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Post by ActuallyFace on Mar 2, 2014 12:18:15 GMT -8
Wess really didn't have any idea how much control he had over Bern, and he wasn't thinking about it anyways. He had no idea how uncomfortable Bern was with this, and he had no idea that he felt like he was losing so much of his control. Wess was trying to be careful of it, to make sure Bern was comfortable with something before he tried it, and he was trying to respect whatever boundaries he might have, but... perhaps he was going about it all wrong. Maybe he should have been more worried about Bern's feelings about this all in general, but hadn't Bern started it all? He had noticed the other's hesitation, of course, and he knew Bern liked having control over things, but what reason did he have to think that Bern felt uncomfortable, and felt like he lacked control here? He didn't have any; he had no idea. And maybe he would start to realize that something was really off, but if Bern wanted anything done about it, he was probably going to have to raise the subject with Wess himself. It wasn't like he was going to resist making Bern feel comfortable, so long as he knew that Bern was uncomfortable, and what was making him uncomfortable.
Wess frowned a little when the other started asking him what it was that had made Wess feel as he did toward Bern, trying to think, but... confused, too. Well, how was he supposed to know? Sure, he was pretty good with his own feelings, but that didn't mean he knew what each and every one of them was caused by. He knew what things he loved about Bern, but he didn't know why. He knew that he wanted to make him happy, and that it was because he loved Bern, and... maybe he'd felt that in a smaller way for longer than he'd known, but he didn't exactly have a reason for that.
Well... Bern's story definitely wasn't the same. And Wess wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, but... it wasn't that.
Okay, the way he'd been trying to protect Wess was pretty romantic, and definitely shed some light on a lot of things he'd picked up on. And that must have been hard, too... especially when Wess had pushed so hard to keep getting closer to him. It must have been kind of terrifying... and he squeezed Bern's hand when he realized this, just a little. Enough to try to let him know that he understood, to some extent.
But the rest...
Okay, Bern was human. This was real life, and romance wasn't something that happened on sight. Bern had been dealing with something more important to him at the time, so Wess couldn't have been of immediate importance to him beyond the need to get him to think that nothing was wrong. And he understood that, mentally, but emotionally... it was kind of disappointing, it maybe even hurt. Which was irrational, and he had to remind himself of that. It was completely unreasonable to want Bern to have fallen in love with him on sight, especially when he had him now, like this. But he couldn't really help how he felt, just how he expressed it. It was unreasonable to want to be able to do that, too... really, it was mostly confusing, this new information. He was going to have to work past this...
Wess sighed when the other asked him that, and he didn't say anything for a long while, trying to make sure he had his thoughts properly gathered. Did Bern think he only loved him for how he looked? Hadn't Wess just said he'd been originally attracted to his intellect, more than anything else? He didn't fully understand Bern's own thoughts on his appearance, but he could tell he didn't think of it as his biggest strength. And for good reason! It wasn't to say that he wasn't attractive, because to Wess he definitely was, but he was also so much more than that... clearly, Bern understood this, and he didn't want Wess focusing on what he didn't think was important.
"You cannot possibly believe I love you only for how you look." He said, just barely dropping the volume of his voice when he mentioned love. He hadn't really said it since that previous afternoon, hadn't acknowledged it to anyone but himself. But it was true, he knew that. He turned on his side, towards Bern, and the hand that wasn't holding the other's moved to rest on his further cheek. "You are far more than your looks, and I am certain you know this. You want me to know it too, correct?" He let out a small breath, and drew another in. "A painting is more than what most see. It is not only the picture, the thing that meets your eyes. It is beautiful not because it looks that way, but because there are so many other things... there are the small strokes of the brush put in just the right places, and there are the minute details that contribute to the overall beauty of it. And there is... more, too." His fingers moved over Bern's cheek, slow and gentle. His voice softened. "Intelligence, confidence, self-assurance, comfort, kind warmth... you cannot see these things. They are only a concept, however lovely, however important. But in a painting, you may convey them anyways. Perhaps there is no static image of warmth, but in the softening of edges and features, in the use of colors, you may convey it anyways. And it is beautiful, in that way..." He moved closer, kissed the corner of Bern's mouth. "That is what I see when I look at you."
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Post by empyreanVisionary on Mar 2, 2014 13:47:15 GMT -8
Bern was a mystery, and Wess had regarded him as such for such a long time... Now that he had started feeling like he was understanding him, he was probably starting to realize... well, that he didn't, after all. And it was likely, as well, that Bern wasn't understanding himself right now. His own feelings, how they interacted, how they responded to all these things that he was so unfamiliar with, and one would think he was growing more familiar with... Well, it just wasn't that easy. No matter how much Bern might have hoped and prayed that it would be, it wasn't. He was thinking too much, honestly, and that was why he was asking so many questions. Wess had to know... Bern would say a lot of things. But he was always asking questions, and that was part of the reason he was so intelligent. He sought answers; he didn't just accept them. And that was part of the reason why their dialogue always seemed to go like this. Wess saying flattering things, and Bern asking him "why?". Like he didn't believe him... But it wasn't as much that he didn't, it was moreso that he sought his own answer, through the premises he could gather through others. He wanted to find his own "truth", whether it was valid or cogent.
And even now, as he lay beside him, he couldn't shake that need for finding his own reason to believe, apart from whatever trust he had in Wess. This wasn't always easy when he didn't have so much faith in himself as he ought to. And this led to confusion, led to him wanting to test the alternatives to the argument. He didn't believe he was attractive, so even after hearing the other claim that he'd immediately been drawn to his intelligence, to the way he'd put him on the same level. But Bern hadn't felt the other's assertion made sense. He hadn't truly shown his intelligence, perhaps just his ability to fabricate a lie. He hadn't put him on an equal plane as much as he'd used flattering language to distract and manipulate him. He'd had other feelings about it, about him, but his original intention upon meeting the other hadn't been at all what Wess had perceived it to be. So, that combined with his own doubts about himself, perhaps he was insinuating that there were too many reasons this shouldn't be true for it to be true. That it must have been his appearance, much as he doubted it could be the reason. And if not that, what? A facade he'd created to protect himself couldn't have possibly led to this. And that brought him back to the question he'd been asking all along... If love is logical, then why couldn't he understand it? And if it was illogical... then how could he trust it?
Now, despite everything he heard, Wess still had to come back to the idea that it wasn't like there was nothing there. It wasn't like Bern had just given in to this in order to appease Wess or anything. The opposite, really; he had been the one who had initiated things. Or at least admitted in his moment of weakness... and that was when he had realized that all the hiding he'd done was for naught. Hiding all this from Wess hadn't accomplished anything besides protecting him from the mess he was caught up in. And when he was thoroughly caught up in that too, it hadn't felt reasonable to continue to hide his feelings. Feelings that he'd figured the other shared, judging by the way they kept touching one another and all that...
No, Bern couldn't possibly have believed that it was because he thought his appearance was the reason he wanted to be with him; that was why he was asking that now. He didn't believe it was the case, and he'd expected a negative answer, but testing all possibilities was about the only reasonable thing he could do at this point. Unfortunately, the other's response hadn't exactly given him any more insight into the situation. But he was asking questions that, perhaps, the other couldn't answer anyway. He couldn't tell him what it was. But the fact seemed to remain that the other had cared about him... only for a facade that he had created. And maybe he'd latched on after it had faded away, but something about knowing that made Bern a little uneasy, and perhaps that was the cause of his doubt. Either way... he had to think, they were here now. Not there. Sometimes living in the moment was hard. Yes, he wanted Wess to appreciate him for more, so much more that was him. And he figured he did.
"You're right... to say that the painting is more than it appears," Bern replied, just after the other leaned in and kissed the corner of his mouth, realizing he was about to reveal the few things he knew about aesthetics. "But you must remember that while the formal qualities of the painting are there, there are others which are not. There are things implied in that painting that are not present in that painting. They are emotions that the artist intends to convey. But they are not truly there. They are not part of the painting, and they might not communicate to one person the same way they communicate to another. So who is to say that painting appears the same to everyone who views it?" He had a really damn good point. And for someone who didn't understand art and aesthetics, so to say, he seemed to understand more than he let on. "Those things that you say one cannot see, only feel... Those emotions are not part of the painting. And... you're saying to me right now, that those things are what you see? That only begs the question... what do I see? What does Elias see? What does everyone else see?"
It was strange, really. They'd had discussions like this in the past. Lots of them, mostly within that first week or two weeks that they'd known one another. In the time they took actually being friends, they had discussions that almost bordered on arguments. And now, after all this, it was almost like Bern was trying to regress all the way back to then... Or was he just trying to bring back a part of the relationship that had been lost in the drama and chaos. Either way it was, he wasn't bringing all this shit up because it was like him to do that. Something was wrong, perhaps nothing that Wess had done at all. No, it was likely that Wess was not at all the reason for this. It was something in Bern, like an arrow that had been lodged in his heart. bleeding slowly over all this time. Maybe his whole life. But if it had anything to do with his self-image, it made sense. People with those kinds of problems typically went one way or the other... They'd reveal the depths of their sadness in depression. Or they would cover it up with narcissism. When Wess had "undone" him, was he also undoing the protection he'd raised against his personal weakness?
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Post by ActuallyFace on Mar 2, 2014 16:30:34 GMT -8
Wess was beginning to realize that this was all about a lot more than he'd thought it was... he had thought, at first, that this was just Bern being curious. That wasn't unusual; he was always asking questions, always learning more. It was one of those things Wess really loved about him. And then it had seemed that he thought Wess's love for him was misplaced, that he liked his appearance, rather than what really mattered. But now... The problem seemed to go deeper than that, and he was having trouble figuring it out. Figuring Bern out... again, not unusual. Bern wasn't exactly easy to read, especially when Wess already had trouble figuring other people out.
So he took another moment, trying to figure out what exactly was going on, for fear of stepping wrongly and messing all of this up.
What Bern was saying... well, he was basically saying that everyone had a different perception of him, of what was him... did that mean he doubted that what Wess saw in him was true? That everyone saw him as something different, so it couldn't be true...? Or that Wess still wasn't seeing what he wanted him to see? Or maybe he was trying to say that the things Wess saw in him were projected, and not really there, or... something else. Whatever it was, it seemed likely that Bern just wasn't confident in what Wess saw in him. Okay, he could understand that... at least, why Bern might think that way. He'd grown up in an orphanage, hadn't he? He hadn't been wanted enough to be adopted, so maybe he didn't quite feel like he was really... worth much.
It was still confusing, though... Bern seemed like he was so self-confident! He hadn't hesitated to do what he thought was right when Wess had asked for help, he'd never seemed to doubt himself, not until all of this had started to happen... the romance. And Wess had chalked it up to him just not knowing what to do for once, but now... maybe it was because Bern had been trying to protect himself before. Maybe he was doubting himself now, not just his knowledge.
And that... that one definitely hurt. Was he doing this to Bern, pulling him apart? He hadn't considered the possibility of them being together being somehow negative, so the notion that maybe it was, and that it was his fault, was just... awful. He wanted to make Bern happy, he wanted to make him safe, and the idea that maybe Bern was better off before he'd started even wanting that stirred up a lot of really, really awful feelings in Wess... dread, and regret, and also something that just told him he really, really wished it wasn't true.
But not enough to ignore the possibility that it could be. He definitely did want to make Bern happy, and he wanted to protect him, and he wanted Bern to be just... the best off that he could possibly be. Wess knew he himself was going to be happiest when he was with Bern, and the best off he could be, too, but if Bern couldn't be that too, then maybe he'd actually have to consider giving it all up. And that hurt more than anything else.
Not that he wasn't going to fight anyways. Okay, so maybe Bern was starting to lose his defense because of this, but couldn't that be a good thing, in the long run? If he allowed people in instead of forcing them out automatically... okay, there weren't a lot of people to let in. Maybe Wess just meant himself, in that. But couldn't he be good for Bern?! It was a pretty selfish thought, sure... it seemed that way, anyways. And he worried, at first, that it was. Did he just want to force Bern through this because he wanted Bern all to himself? Because he wanted the best for himself, not Bern? Maybe the other had been fine before this, completely fine. Why would he need Wess? But... if he was just burying his feelings, and burying his low thoughts of himself, maybe if Wess could help him through that... maybe it would be good. He hoped it would, because he really, really wanted that.
Maybe even that wish was selfish, though. Maybe he wanted it not for Bern's sake, but so he could just... be some positive impact on Bern. So he could be something good. So he could justify being with him.
He didn't know, he just wasn't sure!
Trying to calm himself a little, Wess drew in a breath, and he pulled his hand away from Bern's face to lay again on his back. He didn't let go of the other's hand, though. Then he exhaled, slowly, doing his best to still his buzzing thoughts. He looked troubled.
"It is not a perfect metaphor." He said, again giving Bern's fingers a gentle squeeze. "We are not paintings, not really. We bear similarities, but we are different... shaped by ourselves, and perhaps by our environment. We hold control over ourselves, too, and we may rope ourselves off from the world and hide our beauty in a way paintings cannot. The beauty of a painting is laid bare for all to see, whatever the specific form of this beauty, but we... we may tuck it out of sight from the world, even ourselves." his voice was trembling, just a little. The soft, comforting sweetness had gone from it with these new thoughts. "And perhaps we may be misread, but how much of this is truly possible? We are only human, and in moments of great weakness and vulnerability, we will always lay some of ourselves bare. And faking good qualities... it only goes so far. In that sense, we are still comparable to paintings, perhaps."
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Post by empyreanVisionary on Mar 2, 2014 18:25:09 GMT -8
At the point that Wess realized that all the things Bern was asking here were more than mere questions, that was when the conversation probably truly started to turn negative. Though Bern had been feeling negative (and wholly uncertain) about this in the first place, only now it was beginning to sink into a negative place for both of them. And now, he had to tread carefully, or at least felt like he had to. He had to be absolutely sure that what he said didn't make the whole situation worse. ...Or did he? Was there a way to really cause this to be blown out of proportion now? Was it there already? Bern hadn't exactly been talking about pretty things. There was a cloud of doubt over the whole situation now, doubt that Bern had kind of alluded to, but never really spoken about. And it wasn't as much that he doubted Wess, really, more so that he doubted whether or not he really was what Wess wanted or needed. The doubt in this situation was entirely personal. It had nothing to do with Wess, as far as Bern was concerned.
Though he hadn't really entertained the idea that it was Wess who had caused him to look at the situation in this way, in a way that made him start to question himself... start to question whether he was good enough, leading him to stare at the ceiling, contemplating his worth as he lay beside the one he loved. He loved him now, there was no question about that. Talking about the past had done no good for either of them, had it? Bringing up old memories that didn't really need to resurface... Especially now, given how much things had changed since then. It wasn't even a comparable time. Though Bern hadn't been willing to lie when the other asked for his own perspective. And he hadn't really realized, either, that his questions, posed in an attempt to find that validity he so desperately sought, had struck the other deeply as well. That they might have even hurt him.
Bern figured he'd realized it now. That he couldn't just accept all this love and affection the way he had, and sometimes return it with whatever amount of return he could muster. It meant too much for him to just take it selfishly and hardly be able to give anything in return. There was too much guilt in seizing all this positive affection that Wess was giving him, and here he was not appreciating it the way he should; instead questioning it. He knew why he was questioning it; it was something that was normal for him. He was always seeking out the answer to "why" and determining the worth of what seemed to matter. But it wasn't right to do that, not right now, not about this. Because now, he was belittling the importance of what Wess thought. And that was hurting him. And that would make it harder for him to continue loving him. And even thinking about that being a possibility made Bern's chest seize up painfully. Literally painfully, because over the last couple of days, he had grown so dependent on this. Well, over time in general. Just now, Wess was beginning to really show that love, but it had always been there. Well, it had been there a long time. He'd been loving him, even if he couldn't just show it to him, and even the thought of being without that made Bern feel like his heart was being crushed. That was why he couldn't even entertain the thought of living if he had to kill Wess, wasn't it? He really couldn't fathom life without him now. He'd slowly approached him, coming into his life, and when Bern left a crack in the foundation of his defenses, he slipped right in, and... everything had changed. Honestly, he wasn't sure just how different it was for Wess. He got the impression that he'd somehow broken down a wall the other had raised himself, but he... hadn't really tried to. It was more like Wess had done it for himself, and he'd just been some kind of driving force in it, despite having never used any energy to do it. Well, not much. ...No, what was he kidding. There was definitely something to be said for the fact that he'd taken a risk and tried to help the other when he was suffering from that addiction. He'd been inspired to help, but... still, what he'd done had probably been the driving force in changing their relationship, even though it was a lot of him... well, being a total ass to Wess. But he knew that tough love would help, because he'd been through it...
It was such a short time ago and already, he couldn't live without Wess. He was a grounding force in his life, a source of caring amidst the chaos. It was like what Elias had been for him, years ago, but so much more. Selfishness was on both their minds. Who was the selfish one, really? Was it Bern, desiring to know everything, at the expense of anything? Was it Wess, maybe wanting the other to break down, in hopes that it would make him a better lover? Who was really right? Was Bern selfish for needing him? Was Wess selfish for wanting to be the one who made Bern need him?
By now, Bern was really questioning himself, and he just wanted it all to stop. He just wanted to love Wess without anything else being in the way. Any of his previous thoughts and feelings about love, and about how he'd been raised, and how that influenced it all. He didn't want to wonder whether he was good enough, or whether he could return his love. He didn't want to wonder why Wess would fall in love with someone like him... what it really was that made him desire to love him in the first place. Regardless of what it all was, it had happened. It had still happened, and it was. If Bern needed Wess, and Wess needed Bern...
A feeling of alarm rose in him as he listened to the other's voice. He heard the words, he comprehended them. But Wess hadn't hidden the distress in his voice, and it was plain as day to him. Whatever he'd done, he'd made the other unhappy, and that wasn't what he wanted. That was the last thing he wanted. He hadn't wanted it to come to this! But alas, his own happiness was connected to Wess's happiness. Was that all there was to it? If he could just be happy, then Wess could be happy? Surely it couldn't be that simple. But it would mean digging into more memories he would rather leave unturned for him to even have the opportunity to be happy, genuinely. And what, then? If it really was a vicious cycle then perhaps neither of them could ever get to where they were both happy. If they only got more sad first... How would it even work? Bern had to forcefully remind himself that there had to be things outside of their relationship that could affect this.
"...No... it's not perfect..." Bern whispered, closing his eyes. No, he wasn't perfect, he heard echoing. He wasn't, he wasn't a painting. But sometimes, he was. Sometimes he couldn't hide himself from the world. Yesterday, he hadn't been able to hide himself from the world, no matter how hard he tried. He had been left a sobbing mess at the idea of removing the most positive influence in his life, and having ever thought about it. Having ever considered his priorities so illogically. "I've tried so hard to make sure you misread me, haven't I. I never meant for you to be misled like this. It wasn't to hurt you." Okay, so he'd said the same thing three ways, and he still couldn't even convey what he meant. "I mean... I... mean to say... that I have lied to you a lot. And I'm sorry about that. But I also..." He took a deep breath, tightening his hand around Wess's. "I can't stop weighing your feelings against my own. I want to stop. I want to be able to accept them for what they are. It's important for me to know what is... valid, and cogent. But I need to be able to let go of... the need to do this." He sounded almost desperate... Then he suddenly sat up, rolling, to position himself over Wess, pushing their clasped hands up to rest next to Wess's head, his other hand supporting his weight on his other side. "...I can't do this anymore... I can't trivialize your feelings. I can't doubt what you feel, because every second I spend doubting you is a like a second spent shoving a knife between your ribs aimed at your heart." He couldn't really see his face too well, as a lot of his hair was hanging in it, except for what had fallen over his back. But it was probably for the best; Bern probably looked to be in a lot of pain. Or maybe it was a pain Wess felt he needed to see. "... I... can't do it any more. I'm not going to. I don't... want to..." Wess would suddenly feel a couple drops of... something... fall onto his exposed neck. Bern was crying?! No, maybe he needed to. But all this seemed to reveal that there was hope for him to straighten things out. It really hadn't been so simple, and this would have come out sooner or later. But the sooner they were able to resolve this, the sooner their relationship could be more secure than ever. Bern's elbows shook as he held himself over Wess, almost dominantly, or at least it might have seemed that way if he wasn't trembling and crying. Clearly he'd been hurt somehow, and it made him do things he didn't want to, without even realizing he was doing them. Probably without even allowing him to change them, because he couldn't consciously catch it in time. And he was so upset about it. Wess would have to begin to work those problems out... It was just going to be part of their relationship... Unraveling all their problems so they could have happiness after all.
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Post by ActuallyFace on Mar 2, 2014 20:27:04 GMT -8
Maybe it was bad, or wrong, but the way Bern seemed to distraught over all of this was kind of... comforting, in a way. It meant that Wess really wasn't the only one that wanted this, that he wasn't entirely selfish to want to stay in Bern's life. It meant that they were together in this, that Wess wasn't just forcing his way in uninvited.
But he was still hurt, and that wasn't okay. Wess couldn't be happy with that.
Was he really concerned that Wess's feelings weren't... real? Was he really doubting them? He'd thought Bern had been doubting the placement of them, but... he'd tried to make sure Bern knew he cared, that Wess loved him, but maybe that just wasn't doing as much good as he thought it was. Or was he doubting how logical they were? And was there really anything he could do about it, or should do about it...?
He really didn't want to think about this anymore. He wanted to just... go back to an hour ago, when they could just sit curled up in each other's warmth and think about nothing but that little pocket of time. But no, they needed to address this. They definitely needed to address this. If Bern was feeling this way, and he wanted to fix it, Wess needed to help him fix it. And he wasn't going to do that by ignoring the problem entirely, was he? But god... he wished it wasn't a problem in the first place. Clearly, Bern was feeling awful, and he didn't want that. And his words... god, they hurt Wess, too. They sounded to desperate, so much more full of emotion than Wess had ever heard, and when he described that knife he felt like he was putting in Wess's chest Wess felt it, too, he swore he did, and then he was crying, and... god, he wanted him not to cry. He wanted this to stop. He wanted it to all be okay...
Feeling tears of his own already welling up in his eyes to match Bern's, Wess pulled his hand away from the other's to wrap his arms around him, pull him down into Wess's chest and hold him close. He wanted to comfort him, he wanted that pain Bern was feeling to stop so, so badly... But he didn't know how to make it stop, he really didn't. He was pretty much causing it, so what could he do? He'd sort of done everything he could, right? And he would continue to do it, of course he would, and he would do his best to comfort Bern, but he couldn't just... wave a wand and make everything inside of Bern stop hurting like this. He couldn't fix it all for him, as much as he wanted to. This was going to have to be something Bern himself did, and probably over a lot of time.
"No..." he mumbled, pulling the other closer. His tears left the corners of his eyes and started rolling trails down the sides of his face, leaving an uncomfortable cool wetness in his ears and hair. "No, don't... do not cry." One of the arms around Bern moved up to stroke through his hair, trying to calm him. His voice was still shaking. "This is not a problem you will be able to fix immediately, I think, and it is not one that you should worry about hurting me with, either. I... I will be fine. I am fine. I understand. I just... do not want to be the one to hurt you. I do not want you to hurt." He shifted his grip to be a little more comfortable, and tightened it again, his fingers curling in Bern's hair as if he was clinging to him, as if he was the only thing keeping him afloat right now, rather than the other way around. There was something comforting to his embrace, but he still... he needed Bern, he didn't want to have to let him go. He needed him.
Maybe his own problems were small, just... minuscule in comparison to Bern's, but they were there. He'd been lonely before, and Bern had fixed that. Bern had come to stand with him against the world. Bern had filled him up with warmth and joy and... and so many things he'd seldom felt, and he had become a kind of safety for Wess, too. He had helped him through his hardest time, he hadn't even hesitated... and without Bern in his life, Wess was going to be a whole lot worse off than he was before. He... god, he didn't even want to think about it, he really fucking didn't.
"Just tell me what you want, what you need. Tell me, or show me, I will... I will be here. I love you, I do." He leaned his head up and kissed Bern's hair, then started stroking it again. His voice lowered to a whisper. "I love you so much..."
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Post by empyreanVisionary on Mar 2, 2014 21:01:43 GMT -8
It would make sense, in some way, that Wess would be a bit... comforted in knowing that the other was upset about this. Well, since he was bringing the issue to light... it was a good thing that it upset him, rather than being something he didn't care about. He did care, and he was concerned, and that was why this was important, why this was happening right now. He cared enough to want to change it. He cared enough to be completely honest about it, and be like that painting, to let his emotions and feelings be completely exposed to the world... Well, his world. And he wasn't sure if he should have regretted what he did. If he should have just kept all this inside. If he had the chance to go back, would he be better off keeping this conversation from ever happening? He didn't know. And at this point, it wasn't going to matter anyway.
Whatever doubt it was, it was something they would have to start working on right away. Speaking of that knife, Bern felt like it was in his chest right now, or at least... for a few terrible moments, but then Wess wrapped his arms around him, and pulled him down, lowering him against his body, and Bern shifted into some kind of comfortable position over him, his arms really having given out at this point. He'd never really wanted to release this secret; it had just... kind of happened. It was something that he'd kept within him for so long, figuring he could work it out himself. But two days of this, two days of experiencing what felt like an absolutely unconditional love from the other, and he knew he had to redeem himself somehow. He knew he had to tell him the truth about how he felt and what was happening in his mind. He couldn't keep it to himself, or the guilt would eat him alive. And perhaps it hadn't even been something that was normal to be worried about. Especially for someone like Bern, who probably found it normal to do what he was claiming was so horrible. Devaluing someone else's feelings was a harsh way to put it, but he didn't want to do it; he didn't want to compare their feelings and have a reason to see someone else's as less important, or not as relevant. Especially when those feelings were Wess's. Clearly, if his feelings didn't mean anything, then this relationship didn't mean anything. And Bern wasn't willing to accept that. He didn't feel like their relationship was nothing, not at all... It was so important, it might have been the most important thing in his life right now.
Now with his body pressed up against Wess's, he lay his head on its side, where the other would probably feel tears faintly soaking into the neckline of his shirt. He didn't want to cry; it had just happened that way. The frustration had caught up to him, and now it was hard for him to stem the flow of tears. The other was unhappy, too, and it was his fault, wasn't it? For being unable to handle this in a way that kept it from getting this way. His voice... it hadn't returned to normal, and that made him feel worse. Immediately, he thought there was no way he ought to listen to the other about his insistence that he didn't have to worry about hurting him. Of course he had to worry; hurting him wasn't any good, and... that very reaction was what he wanted to avoid. He wanted to be able to TRUST what the other was saying. If he immediately distrusted his words, then he was already failing. He shook his head vaguely against the other, as though to express his disapproval, but all he managed to do was wipe his tears around. He settled his head back against Wess's chest, not sure if he could speak right now. The other's comforting words, his touch filled Bern's senses, and he wanted to relax, he really did, but he just couldn't get to that point yet. He sighed as he felt the other tangle his fingers in his hair, trying to stem the slight sobs that occasionally shook his body. Unlike the fear-filled sadness of the day before that had made him do little more besides sob, this much more pure sadness wouldn't allow his tears to stop flowing yet.
But he did wrap his arms behind Wess's shoulders as best he could. Embracing him wasn't really something that he could do when he was in this kind of position, but this was the best he could show a desire to do it. He couldn't let him go, or he wouldn't have anything. Like Wess had found warmth and joy in Bern, Bern had found some kind of security and comfort in Wess. No one else in his life had ever wanted to hold him and touch him and make him feel loved before. He couldn't let go of him, not even for a minute, or he might not be able to have that back. So he wasn't going to let go. He just hoped that Wess wouldn't let go when he needed him. He knew how easy it might be for the other to let go if things got too hard. He might have wanted to let go in the midst of his addiction. Bern had known he couldn't. He had to stay with him until the end, or his efforts would be for naught. This might end up being the same. Wess would have to stick with Bern until they worked this out. But the rewards at the end would be greater than they ever had.
"... I... d-d-don't know what I want..." Bern sobbed slightly, still holding as close to him as he could. "...It doesn't matter. I'm not letting you go. Not ever. Not even if you let me go. I... I don't want to hurt you. But I can't stop hurting you. Not yet. I have to... make it so I don't..." He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down as he felt the other stroking his hair, murmuring words of love to him. He loved Wess more than life itself, but he couldn't bring himself to say it right now, not when he was making him suffer too. He couldn't say it when he was still treating his feelings like they were sub-par and unimportant. He would set this right, and then he would love him the way he ought to.
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Post by ActuallyFace on Mar 2, 2014 21:52:06 GMT -8
Recognizing Bern's need to have him close, Wess shifted his grip again and pulled him closer, even pressing his head into Wess's chest a little. He wanted him close, too... he wanted him so close. He wanted to never let him go, to just... hold him, and make sure he was okay. But he couldn't do that, could he? Bern's feelings felt far away right now, like Wess really couldn't do much to reach them... and he wanted to, he really did. And he was going to try, but it was still hard, so hard...
God, he just wanted to fix it all. He wanted to reach into Bern's chest and pluck out whatever was making him hurt and flick it away, far away, where he wouldn't have to feel it or think about it ever again. But this was the closest he was going to get to that, because he just couldn't do that. He had to sit through this and everything else and try to just... love him enough to fix it, maybe.
But it still hurt. It was comforting to hear what Bern was saying, to hear that he wanted Wess around as much as Wess wanted to be around, and that he wanted to fix all of this, but it hurt to know that he was hurting Bern. Because he was. Bern thought he was hurting Wess, and that was hurting him, in turn, and what could Wess even say to convince him otherwise? It did hurt. It hurt to know Bern doubted his love, and it hurt to know that that hurt him, and... god, he'd fucked it up. He'd just fucked it all up, just by being with Bern. He'd taken everything Bern had and destroyed it, inserted himself in the place of those careful defenses, forced Bern to think about the things he'd barricaded himself from and doubt himself and doubt the love Wess had for him and be everything he wasn't, be everything he didn't want to be, be everything he was afraid of.
Maybe it would be good in the long run, good to get Bern through this all and heal, though. Maybe Wess was doing something right, but it was still... it was scary, and he didn't want it to not be okay. He... he would have to get through this now, though right? He didn't have a choice. He would have to get Bern through everything to the end, to where he could heal and be okay again. That was the job he had, now. Protecting Bern.
Wess drew in a breath, trying to steady himself. He shut his eyes for a long moment, just... holding Bern close to him, repeating to himself that he just needed to get him through this, now. That there was no going back, that he had to protect him, get him to the end of this. Because if he tried to pull away now, Bern would fall apart. Bern would... would definitely not be okay. He didn't know in what way that would exactly be, but he knew that was what was going to happen. And Wess would, too. God, now that he'd had Bern in his life... he didn't know what he would be without him.
"I will not let you go, either." he whispered, again running a hand over Bern's head, through his hair. "I will never let you go, not unless you want me to, or you need me to. I will always be here. Always. I love you.... I love you, and I will be here, and I do not care how much you hurt me, because I love you and I want to be here anyways." That was what he'd meant when he had told Bern not to worry about hurting him... that he didn't care if he did, because Wess was going to be there anyways. Not that he couldn't, not that he wouldn't, but that Wess didn't care. That he would be fine, in the end. That he would stay with Bern anyways, that his feelings wouldn't change, no matter what. "I love you, I love you, I do... I love you so much. Everything about you. Everything that is Bern. I will never, ever stop, I do not care how much you hurt me..." He kept whispering it, over and over, his chest shaking every now and then with a sob he was trying hard to suppress. And god, they were pathetic, sitting here and crying like this... but who cared? They needed it, they needed this. They needed to get this out and get it over with. They needed to get past it.
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Post by empyreanVisionary on Mar 2, 2014 23:56:13 GMT -8
It was kind of funny how, just moments ago, Wess had been terrified of Bern being upset by feeling his chest on accident. But now he was basically pressing his face into that area shamelessly... Granted, it wasn't like they were doing anything inappropriate, but Wess would probably realize just how little he cared about that now. And Bern definitely didn't care; he was too caught up in his sadness to care. He knew he was distancing himself from the other more by revealing all this... but it had to happen. He was determined to make sure Wess knew everything, knew the extent of the truth, and all of it. He would be forthright with whatever it was he felt, because he needed to fix these problems.
If only he could do the same and reach into his own chest and rip out those feelings that kept him from loving Wess the way he should. He would do it, risky or not. But already, he was starting to feel a bit like he was healing. Just telling him all about the problems he was having, how he felt and how he wanted to feel and how he should feel... it was already beginning to help. All this crying, too... Even though it hurt, even though both of them had cried a good amount of tears and left damp spots on each other's bodies, they were still accomplishing something by doing this. And maybe sharing in the hurt was good for them, too. Even though they had probably caused some of that hurt in each other, they could release it together. Bern held Wess close, too, embracing him tightly and pressing his face against him, breathing in his scent as he held him close. The other was holding him, too, and he reveled in that feeling. The pain felt farther away, when he really started focusing on this and nothing else. They were really what the other needed. Each one of them was what the other needed in their life, and they couldn't just break things up right now. It would be stupid, and it would cause both of them to suffer more than they would probably be able to reasonably handle right then.
As the other whispered soft words to him and brushed through his hair, confessing so much love to him, over and over... Bern felt a certain pain, but it wasn't so ...stabbing? He wasn't sure how to describe it. He didn't feel like he needed to feel hurt himself, because he wasn't providing the other with a love that matched it. No, right now, he told himself, it was okay if he couldn't return that love the same way. Wess had said he would handle it. He would handle it, even if it hurt him, too. Bern had to start to recognize that this was okay, that he didn't have to feel like something was horribly wrong because their feelings didn't match up perfectly right now. It wouldn't be the end of their relationship, especially now that he'd told Wess all about his feelings. How it made him uncomfortable that he had ill feelings about the way he viewed the feelings of others. He just bowed his head into Wess's chest right now, rubbing his nose lightly against it.
"...And I will tell you how much I love you when I know for sure... when I know I'm not doubting yours," Bern replied softly, though it was obvious he was doing this for a good reason. He was doing this to make sure that Wess would know, and he wanted to let the other know that he cared, too. He didn't want it to seem like he was just withholding his confessions of love. But he didn't want them to be meaningless, either. He wanted it to be exactly what he said, and he wanted to be sure of that. If he said it and didn't mean it, it just wouldn't be right. Therefore... he would withhold anything, until he was sure. And it might take a long time, but the two of them were going to get through this together. But even now as they were both embracing one another and crying, Bern didn't feel like this was right at all. He didn't want to cry anymore, and he knew that Wess couldn't want to cry anymore. He raised his head a little, looking gently down at the other, though tearstains were still present on his cheeks.
"...We... should probably try to calm down so we can sleep," he practically whispered. There was still one more day before they had to go back to school, so they didn't have to go to sleep super early, but it was getting late. And they would probably be better off resting. It was a shame; they had been about to spend their first night sleeping together in the same bed, and then all this had happened. It had kind of ruined their first time doing this, hadn't it? Bern felt wholly responsible for it, at least... He slowly pulled away from him, a bit shaky, sitting up just enough to look at the other, his green eyes catching a hint of light from the small window in Wess's room, which glinted over the tearstains on his face, but it also revealed that he seemed to have finished crying. He didn't look so upset anymore... He was still frowning a little, but his lips twitched, like he was trying to smile. He just wanted to have a pleasant night sleeping beside the other. He didn't want it to be full of pain and tears and misery. If they could manage to both get into a pleasant mood before they fell asleep, they might be able to reverse the damage that had already been done. And sleeping would do them both good. They might wake up in the morning feeling just... so beyond all the things that had troubled them the night before.
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Post by ActuallyFace on Mar 3, 2014 1:01:52 GMT -8
Wess took a long time to calm down. He felt like he was in some kind of... ocean, some kind of stormy sea that had plucked him off the shore and dragged him out into the middle of a storm. He felt like he was being thrown about by twenty-foot waves and battered from above by fist-sized hail, like he was in danger of drowning and some kind of head trauma at the same time, like nothing was forgiving, nothing was safe anymore except Bern, some... some kind of floating log, a slippery buoy just barely keeping him afloat, though afloat wasn't much better than drowning at this point... And it felt awful, everything felt bitter and sad and miserable, and he wanted to scream and cry his useless pleases at unforgiving fate and circumstance until they yielded even though he knew they never would. Everything sucked, and all he could do now was cling to Bern like a goddamned barnacle and try to outlive the storm.
He really didn't care about Bern pretty much having his face in his breasts. Well... it kind of wasn't, anyways, because of things like gravity. But at that moment, he couldn't have cared less. He just wanted Bern close to him, he just wanted things to be okay again, he just... he just wanted comfort, and safety, and warmth. He didn't give a damn if the person who was actually crying because he wanted to love Wess like Wess loved him maybe sort of felt a couple of irrelevant lumps of fat on his chest.
Bern's words helped calm him some, and he felt some warmth spread itself through his chest. He would take what he could get... and it was nice, hearing that Bern did love him, and that he wanted to hold off from saying it until he could say it right. He was treating it like a sacred thing, and that was... wonderful. Wess almost felt guilty for saying it as much as he was, but... he didn't. He felt that way, he was telling the truth. He wasn't Bern, and that was okay. Bern needed to be confident in how Wess felt, and in order for that to happen, Wess needed to be confident in how he himself felt. So expressing that... couldn't be bad. Right?
And slowly, he calmed down. His breathing steadied some as Bern's did, and the tears stopped falling, and he stopped his desperate mantra. When Bern raised his head to look at Wess and spoke, he nodded, and took his hand away from Bern's head to wipe gently at his tear-stained cheek. His normally steady hands were shaking, just a bit, but otherwise he'd mostly calmed himself. He did want to stop this, he did want to just... sleep. To stop with all of these miserable emotions and drama and just curl up with Bern, just... hold him close and be happy, and drift off with him here, alone... together.
"Yes," he mumbled in agreement, letting go of Bern at last while the other sat up, and then sitting up himself to face him. He saw the light catch on Bern's cheek and he automatically raised his hand again to wipe the wetness away, and then he saw the downward curve of his lips, the twitch... was he trying to smile, now? He must want to really calm down, to go to bed happy... Wess could understand that. He wanted that, too. "We are ridiculous, hmm?" he whispered, trying to smile as well. He only had a little bit more success. "It is long past midnight, why are we not already sleeping?" Wess leaned forward, placed a sloppy, damp kiss on Bern's already damp cheek, and then his lips. "We will have to sleep in a long time in the morning." The words weren't exactly comforting, or cheerful, but at least they weren't painful or miserable either. At least they were something different. Something they wouldn't have to feel terrible about, or cry about.
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Post by empyreanVisionary on Mar 3, 2014 23:15:04 GMT -8
Now that Bern was sitting upright again, it felt a little uncomfortable... like all the blood had gone somewhere else in his body and didn't really want to return to allow him to function. But he was probably getting tired, too. Doubtless, all of that emotion catching up to him had to tire him out, even if he had been a lot more awake at the time they returned from their evening out under the stars. And he had loved every moment of it. He wasn't taking it for granted with all that had happened, not at all. But the question had come to mind, and he realized just what he was doing in asking that question... trying to derive some kind of information to make a stupid comparison and weigh the true value of anything the one he loved had ever said to him. And it was ridiculous. So ridiculous that he'd broken up over it. But at least it had resulted in something good... in him realizing the mistake and insisting that he would correct it. And Wess understood and appreciated that, which was probably why this could work out in the first place. Wess might have to go through a little pain, but Bern would almost certainly go through more if he was really going to try and change this for the better.
Now that he'd gotten all that emotion out and stopped crying, he just didn't feel like pushing the issue anymore, even though hearing the other chanting about how much he loved him and doing so in such a pained way made Bern feel very uncomfortable... he had to take a step back from the situation, and realize that the other was just... afraid. Just like he was. And he couldn't blame him, because he feared losing Wess, too. That fear was what motivated him to be this honest. And perhaps it was that same kind of fear that motivated Wess into neurotic repetition, just like that. He didn't like it, and he didn't want to hear it. So, he raised his hand to the other's, grasping his forearm as Wess touched his face, holding his hand to him for a moment, before the other pulled away.
He watched the other as he sat up, wiping the tears from his face, and wished he could smile. It was really hard, especially given the negative feelings that still dominated the whole situation. He wanted to settle down before he ever dared fall asleep. It wasn't any good falling asleep upset, or crying... especially when he was with Wess. He closed his eyes as Wess leaned in, kissing his cheek, and his lips, embarrassed as a final tear slid down from the gesture. He'd be happy with that. Spending a good long time sleeping with him, making up for this. But for now he still wasn't quite there. He couldn't sleep like this; he was still not in the correct mood.
"Nng. Ridiculous is putting it lightly, isn't it?" At least he was kind of trying to add some light to the situation, dark as it was. He leaned in against him, leaned up against his body now that the two of them were sitting upright, resting a hand on his shoulder and pressing his forehead up against his upper chest, right about between his collarbones. A good amount of his loose hair fell all in his face, as he sat there in that compromising position, trying to get himself to breathe normally. That was the first step, but soon he just wanted all of these emotions out of the way. He wanted to escort them out to make way for good emotions, instead. So, for now, he tried to calm himself by resting there, breathing, occasionally rubbing his nose a little against his skin, thinking about the warm, pleasurable scent he had. He didn't think the other used any cologne to achieve it; he didn't think so, anyway... It was something special, and more and more, he found that it drew him in and addled his thoughts.
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Post by ActuallyFace on Mar 4, 2014 9:12:33 GMT -8
Despite the fact that the situation had calmed some, Wess still felt sort of miserable. They'd sorted it out, right? Bern had said what he wanted to say and Wess understood, he was going to hurt and so was Bern but they were going to be okay, and they were going to fix it all, so they should have been calm and content with that, right? But that stormy sea lingered, all of that desperation and fear and pain. It didn't belong anymore, which was as comforting as it was wrong, and getting it all to go away so they could just... sleep, for a night, was going to be difficult.
But really, everything felt like it was going to be difficult. Everything was going to take more time than either of them really wanted to wait, and it was frustrating. Why couldn't they just be fixed? Why couldn't everything just settle down and be perfect again? It didn't seem fair, to have consented to get through it all and still have to actually go through it all... which was ridiculous, of course, but Wess wasn't exactly thinking reasonably as of now. He'd just barely calmed down enough to sit up and stop whispering his endless, chanting whispers to Bern and maybe to himself, and he wasn't really in a well enough state of mind to logically sort out his problems and convince himself wholly that it was all going to be okay, and that he shouldn't care about the difficulty of achieving "okay".
He was still shaking when Bern leaned into him, and that was probably sort of disconcerting. Wess was usually so steady, so balanced... And now he felt small, and afraid, and incapable. He felt like he wanted to do a whole lot and he couldn't do any of it, which was probably more the fault of his wishes than himself, but it didn't matter... Bern's presence was comforting, though, and in a way, the fact that he was seeking his own comfort in Wess was also comforting. And Wess wrapped his arms back around him, this time less desperate and more gentle, trying to offer him as much of that comfort as he could. And seeking his own comfort still, Wess buried his face in Bern's hair, still trying hard to smile for him.
"It is." He agreed, tilting his face to the side. "My mistake. We are beyond ridiculous. Are we not two intelligent individuals? Surely, with our shared intellect, we would have been able to puzzle out a proper sleeping time... but I suppose not." He nuzzled in a kissed Bern's hair, "And all of this crying... our strict, battle-worn, and bloodthirsty ancestors would be ashamed of us." His voice was still shaking, and so was he... badly. But he was trying to still himself, drawing in and letting out deep breaths, trying so hard... he just wanted to sleep, he wanted to push out all of this negativity and sleep, and curl up with Bern, and... well, that couldn't happen until they both calmed down, and that, too, was going to be difficult. It was a lot. There was just... a lot. So much to deal with, such a big damned burden to handle, and neither of them were really up for the task of handling it right now. But they needed to! They didn't have a choice in this, and that just added to that great pile of "things that weren't fair", which was only more frustrating, which...
Okay, okay, he wasn't getting anywhere with this. He was driving himself crazy, and he needed to understand that... he needed to just calm down, just stop thinking about it. He let out a sigh and shifted his grip on Bern, scooted a little closer to get a more comfortable grip on him. He needed to just... to just focus on Bern. He could do that... he nuzzled his face into the other's hair again and turned his attention to that, to the feeling of his soft hair on Wess's face, the nose that every so often brushed at the skin of his collarbones, the warmth in him... he tried too hard at first and it didn't do much good, but eventually he managed to calm down a little more, to sink into him instead of throw himself at him. And he relaxed some, the shakiness in him starting to fade. He was going to be okay... he had to believe that both of them were going to be okay.
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Post by empyreanVisionary on Mar 4, 2014 15:05:40 GMT -8
They'd done something to sort this out... they'd taken the first steps, anyway. That much Wess could be certain of, could count on, and could be comfortable knowing. Not that it was probably all that much comfort, given that he had wanted things to go a different way. He'd wanted them to be perfect from the beginning, but perfect wasn't something that this sort of thing really... could be, could it? At least not under normal circumstances. The fact that their relationship -wasn't- perfect, even though they surely wanted it to be just that way, was significant. It would take some work, but... wasn't that the whole point? A relationship was not just fun and games. It wasn't just snuggling and kissing and sleeping together. There was work, and sometimes anguish, pain, and suffering. Just like they were experiencing now. If love was easy, everyone would be in love, right? But as Wess looked around him, he'd probably noticed more and more lately that the kind of love he was experiencing wasn't quite like the love he saw others experiencing. If anything, didn't it seem like others didn't have it nearly as good? Bern hadn't cared to think much about what others were doing at all, but perhaps Wess did. Their love was something special. And the fact that it was something so special was probably all the more reason why they had to do anything they could to protect it, to refine it, and to make it what it was supposed to be. Though, coming back to the original point, that was not easy.
Bern could tell that Wess wasn't thinking so reasonably. While he had definitely had his moment of being irrational, he had at least lapsed out of the irrationality for now, though that wasn't to say that his emotions weren't still on edge. He could feel the tension in the other, and it drove him to a desire to find a way to relieve it. Feeling the other trembling against him was the worst. He cuddled up with him, leaning against him and nuzzling mostly for him, he felt, right now. Why had he ever burdened Wess with this? He hadn't taken it well at all, and now he was going to have to work at stabilizing him while he tried to overcome his own problems at the same time. It wasn't helping him when he had trusted Wess to tell the truth... that he would be okay, that he needed to hurt him and he should, in order to make things better in the end, but Wess wasn't okay. He wasn't okay at all, and that was making it very hard to trust him. Hard to resolve these problems. But for now, he tried to ignore all that, focus on making sure that Wess could calm down. It wasn't right at all for him to be so shaken. He was always so calm and placid and something about this was just horribly wrong. He didn't want to see him in such an unpleasant state. So, all of his energy right now was focused on helping him. He was shaking, by God... It made Bern sick to his stomach thinking about what kind of emotional trauma he must have inflicted upon him. He didn't want any of that. He didn't want either of them to have to feel anything awful about this.
How could he help him, though? His own problems forgotten for now at seeing just how badly the other was doing, he desperately tried to come up with a way to calm the other down. He didn't think any of his affections were going to work. At least not by themselves. What was proven to reduce stress and relax a person, though? Oh, he had an idea. Well, when he was about to voice it, the other began to respond to his previous comments, and he set to listening instead, amusing as his responses seemed. His own distress remained, despite the interesting thoughts, though.
"...Wess, I don't think there is any mistake. If it was as simple as finding a time to sleep, then we would have accomplished it, but there is nothing simple about what's going on here." He sighed, gripping the other's upper body as comfortably as he could from his position, hands wrapping around either side of his ribcage. The second thing he said gave him a chuckle. "You say that like it matters what our ancestors think. Or would have thought." The lips leaning against Wess's collar had parted in a wry grin as he held him. "I say fuck our ancestors. We live, and we are. They had their own lives and their own problems. Who are they to care about us, anyway?" He had calmed down quite a bit himself now, trying to focus on what was going on with Wess.
Pulling gently away from him, he tilted his head back to look up at his face. "If you lay down for me I'll try to help you with this tension. Here we just had a relaxing night and I had to go and fuck it up. I'll fix it." He moved back from the other so he could lay down if he wanted. But if Wess didn't want it, he could refuse, too. It wouldn't make any difference, but he thought that massaging his back good and firmly could help relieve all the tension, all the shaking and shivering. He could try, anyway. He'd never done this before, but given his knowledge of the subject (he read everything, remember?) he thought he could do at the least a decent job.
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Post by ActuallyFace on Mar 4, 2014 19:36:50 GMT -8
Wess really didn't want to feel what he was feeling anymore. Which was pretty obvious, but... it wasn't just that he didn't want the negativity, but rather that it seemed stupid, now, and wrong, and ridiculous, and unreasonable, and... and he really didn't want to. It didn't just feel bad, it wasn't just him feeling awful, but it felt like he was doing something wrong, like he'd broken some kind of fundamental rule or law. He wasn't just upset, he shouldn't be upset, which only made him more upset.
He couldn't even wholly place why he was feeling this way... He just knew he shouldn't, and that he did anyways, and that he didn't want to... it was such an extreme reaction to what had just happened, so much less sad and melancholy and comforting than he probably should have been. It was violent, and bitter, and miserable. Maybe it was because of that idea that he'd have to lose Bern... that he'd caused all of this, that he had somehow fucked up, and that he shouldn't be with Bern because of it. But he had resolved that! Logically, he knew he had! He knew they would be okay, that it wasn't really his fault, that he wasn't going to have to leave Bern. SO why should he keep feeling like this? Or... maybe it was just that it had scared him, deep and hard, and he was trying to recover from it... or maybe he was more afraid that he was being selfish.
But Bern was calming him, really, just by being there. It was comforting, the pressure against his chest and the warmth that told him Bern was there, and the feeling of his nose on his skin, sometimes his lips... it was nice, and it was soothing in a way he didn't fully understand. Bern was strange in many ways, often a complete mystery, but that didn't make him any less wonderful... in fact, if anything, it drew Wess in. It was interesting, and new, and even that part of Bern just seemed so completely Bern.
And of course he knew the matter at hand was more complicated than Wess had said. He'd been trying to lighten things, he just wanted to shake these stupid negative feelings and get on with life, just... stop feeling this way. But he didn't respond to that, and focused instead on Bern's other words.
Did Bern really think he'd caused all of this? Did he still think he was somehow at fault? Wess shook his head no, and wiped at his eyes with a sigh. He was still shaking, but less, now...
"No, it is alright." He said, and then raised his pale eyes to Bern's. They were wet, still, and red, and puffy in a way that didn't really look right on his face. "You did not do anything wrong. You... you said what you needed to say. That was important." He leaned forward and reached to take Bern's hand. "You do not need to fix anything, and... I am sorry. I broke down, I was... afraid, really, for a number of reasons that don't matter anymore. It is okay now, and I am okay. Nothing needs to be fixed, I am just... just calming down." he tried to smile again, and this time he managed to turn his lips up a bit, just a bit, at the corners. He didn't want Bern to feel bad about this... he didn't want either of them to. He wanted to be done with it now.
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Post by empyreanVisionary on Mar 4, 2014 20:44:10 GMT -8
Wess didn't want to feel this way? Well, Bern really didn't want Wess to feel this way! He'd never seen the other fall apart like this without some kind of addictive substance causing it, and it was honestly scary. He didn't want it, he didn't want to see him this way, and he didn't want to have to feel responsible. But all he could do was hold him and kiss him... which he'd started doing, for that matter, kissing his collarbones lightly, as though he thought it might stop this. He didn't know if there was anything he -could- do, honestly, besides be miserable watching Wess being this miserable. Oh well... Wess had been forced to deal with his misery, right? So maybe this was just his turn. ...That didn't make it any easier to handle.
He knew that he shouldn't have been feeling the way he was feeling, too, but there was a real problem rooted in those feelings, one that he simply wasn't going to ignore and pretend wasn't there. Maybe he should have tried to work this out without telling the other about it. Was it even something he could do? Maybe not when he needed the actual reassurance from the other, needed to see some kind of... understanding in him about the problem. That understanding was what was going to help him go on with this, make himself a better person who could love Wess the way he deserved. Yes, he most certainly did not deserve Wess as he was. Perhaps getting over this would also help him get over his fears of embarrassment in showing him affection, too. Perhaps all this time, everything was rooted in this problem; this inability to see things the way they really were, even when they didn't line up with any way he had to explain them. When he stopped trying to use logic to make sense out of emotion... it would be hard, but he would probably start to understand everything better. But the truth of the matter was that emotions were not something that just made sense. Bern couldn't make sense out of the fact that he had gotten so worked up over something that he considered normal, at least in this situation. He didn't understand why Wess said one thing and clearly felt another, like he thought he could hide it or something. He didn't understand why revealing some of his innermost feelings to the other had caused him to become so unraveled, and that lack of knowing... it made him feel so uncomfortable. It wasn't a problem easily solved.
And yet, he didn't think he was doing a thing to help the other. Just sitting there and holding him and kissing his collar and offering him other things... things that he ended up refusing, and Bern's lips curved downward into a frown again, not sure why the other had refused his offer, which had been one to do something rather intimate. Wess refusing intimacy just didn't seem right. And neither did the way his eyes looked so wet, red and bloodshot from crying. It was awful, and Bern almost couldn't look at him at that point. Yes, what he was saying made perfect sense, and he had been right to talk about his feelings... wasn't that so? It just didn't make it easy to handle. The other's attempt at smiling was so forced, it really didn't do anything for him besides make him feel vaguely more upset. This was just going to be a fucking vicious cycle, and they needed to get to sleep.
So Bern pulled away from Wess, not too quickly, and turned his body so he could lean back against the pillows. Then he gripped Wess around the middle, and pulled him back, leaning back with him as best he could, given that the other was kind of heavy, all this assuming that Wess would let him. "...I will do anything for you. Anything at all. Right now. Just ask. I don't want to see you like this ever again, and if there is a single thing I can do to make you feel better, I want to do it. Please don't lie to me. Tell me if there is something you want." He knew he was being a little demanding, but... he needed to do this, for both of them. He wasn't telling him he would just have sex with him or something like that... well, unless Wess wanted it. He was just at a loss right now. He didn't know how to placate the other, but he wanted to. So he had resolved to just ask him. And he knew that he would do what he asked. Assuming it was possible.
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Post by ActuallyFace on Mar 5, 2014 8:03:25 GMT -8
No... this wasn't right, none of this was right. He'd thought that things were calming down again, that maybe they could focus on something else. The issue at hand seemed to be resolved, and what lingered was just what took time to fade. But clearly, Bern wasn't taking this well. Not what had happened, but how Wess had reacted... and sure, he'd reacted badly, and he definitely wasn't his usual calm, collected self right now. But he was human! He needed to get this out, and he had. He needed to react in a way that was external sometimes, rather that entirely internal. But... maybe he shouldn't have, anyways. Maybe that was selfish of him, too. Because Bern hadn't liked it, and he sounded so desperate to make it go away... Maybe Bern couldn't handle it, couldn't deal with Wess being something he wasn't normally. Or maybe he just needed the stability Wess usually was right now, and Wess should be focusing on Bern right now instead of himself. He was selfish... Wess was being selfish.
And that was a strange thought, for him. Wess had never cared much about people that weren't him or his mother. He'd never thought they really mattered, and so he hadn't ever considered their needs, or their wants. He just... didn't work that way. So, yes, he was selfish. He was incredibly selfish, really. But it hadn't ever mattered before now, not to him. He hadn't ever considered it... But it mattered now. He'd been trying to consider Bern's needs and wants, and for the most part, he'd done it. But now... now he had actually considered staying with Bern when he thought it was hurting him, and he had broken down before him when Bern needed the comfort, needed to know Wess would be okay. He was considering himself over Bern, and he didn't like it. It felt... wrong, and it felt absolutely disgusting. He didn't want to do it. He didn't want to have done it.
Wess was a little surprised when Bern tugged him back, but he went without protest. Actually, it was nice, having the other hold him like that... he leaned back against him, briefly, but pulled away when Bern finished speaking. He turned around to sit on folded knees in front of him, frowning. He sounded more desperate that he had... or rather, he sounded demanding, and Wess knew it was because he was desperate to make this stop. And he didn't want that. He didn't want Bern to want to fix him, because he needed to fix this himself. But... Bern wasn't getting that. God, intelligent as he was, he wasn't getting any of it. And Wess needed him to. He needed him to understand, so he wouldn't feel bad anymore... so he wouldn't think he needed to fix it all for Wess. Wess himself had fucked up, he'd let this carry on for longer than it should have, and he shouldn't have. He needed to stay together for Bern, he needed to let this be his moment. Not Wess's.
"No, no..." he mumbled, and his hands searched for something to hold. They found Bern's forearms, and then slid down to his hands. "No. You are not understanding, and it is my fault." He paused, let out a breath. He needed to explain all of this to Bern, needed to explain that it wasn't his fault... "I am sorry. This is about you, and I let it be about me instead, and I should not have. But... I will..." he shut his eyes and sighed again, "When you said those things, they did hurt. But not because I do not believe you love me, or that you can. They hurt me because I was making you hurt, and... I let you feel those things, I smashed in your defenses and dragged up all of the doubts you had pushed so far down. Whether I meant to or not, I did. I hurt you. For a moment I wondered if I should... should leave you, should let you go back to living as you had." His voice wasn't anything near steady now, and there were tears gathering in his eyes again, and he didn't want any of it. He stopped again, and took a moment to wipe the wetness out of his eyes and try to flatten the painful knot in his chest. "It scared me, and the thought hurt, and I decided against it. I reasoned that I had done it and I needed to keep going, to not just... leave you, not like this, and the fact that I was trying to reason my way out of leaving made me think I was selfish. And that... that drove me to be more selfish, though perhaps not deliberately, and let myself fall apart when you needed me whole. And I understand now, I do... I understand that you want me here, and that maybe you need me. That you want me to be whole and okay for you. I can handle it when you hurt me because you cannot help it, because you need to before this can be fixed. That is not what I am crying over. And really, I should not be crying anymore... I should not have cried in the first place, but I am calming down. I am trying. You do not need to fix what you have broken, because I broke myself. I was selfish."
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