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Post by NobleAlyssum on Feb 13, 2014 16:09:14 GMT -8
This is a transcript of a roleplay that was carried with the forum during the move.
[TW: Drug abuse]
Also hey, to anyone reading this, this is ActuallyFace- I'm playing a transsexual man in this roleplay, but I'm a cisgendered girl. I'd just like to make clear that I don't know as much as I would like to about trans things, and while I've been doing a lot of research, I'm no expert and I never will be. I apologize if I make any mistakes, and I apologize if I offend anyone. Please also keep in mind that I've gained a lot of information since the start of this roleplay, so the beginning is quite a bit worse, and I especially apologize for using terms like "female-bodied", as I now know that most people really don't like that, and it's considered offensive and cissexist in a lot of ways. I didn't know what I was doing when I started using the term, and I'm sorry I used it. I don't claim to know everything about transsexuality, or anything at all. I wanted to include another group and bring some awareness to the trans community. Please, please let me know if I do anything that you find offensive. I will correct it. I am not trying to speak for the trans community at all, but I do not intend to harm it, either.
((This is a closed RP between ActuallyFace and empyreanVisionary.))
Klohtia was set up in three segments: The Sealands, the Windplains, and the Treescape.
The Sealands was, as the name implies, composed of cities powered by water. This lay on the coast of Klohtia, to the West. The Sealands was a mass of hundreds of islands, anywhere from five miles to a hundred yards in perimeter, as well as most of the land on the coast itself. The Sealands was powered by it's ports and bays, which allowed for easy trade among other countries. Most food, spices, and other goods came from the Sealands, as well as the rich fishing community.
The Treescape was also amply named, consisting of all of the land to the East of the Sealands. The Treescape was where most of the hunting went on, as well as most of the building and other dealings in lumber.
The Windplains lay above both, in a collection of hundreds upon thousands of large, floating islands, all connected by bridges. The Windplains were lashed in place by thick ropes, which connected to the ground a mile below, and which kept the Windplaines safe from the wind itself. The Windplains consisted of many farms, as well as most of the large cities. In the middle of the Windplains lay the Capital, the largest island at about twenty miles in perimeter, and the most densely-populated, wealthy place in Klohtia.
Between the Sealands and the Treescape lay Klohtia's largest school, Leckleston University. Leckleston was about the size of a small city, and produced most, if not all, of the land's magically inclined. Leckleston was what allowed for the Runers, who designed and built the Airboats that allowed for easy travel in air and in sea, as well as the many other diverse means of travel in Klohtia. Leckleston also produced the Charmers, who created not only the bottled charms for the hospitals of Klohtia, but also the more black-market drug industry, which sold bottle charms which, when drank, would give the user the sensation of a particular emotion; these were often called "glass thoughts". The third and final group educated at Leckleston were called Notists, who were capable of transporting various items and people through the use of complex music.
Leckleston's also educated it's students in the more mundane subjects of mathematics and the like, but those are worthy of little note.
It was at Leckleston's that Wess Spingel now took his classes, having decided the previous year to drop his extra courses of study to focus on the elaborate combination of music and logistics that Noting was. It was difficult for him, though; while Wess was intelligent and certainly excelled in his classes, getting himself through the University was a struggle in terms of money. His mother wasn't rich, so Wess had taken out scholarships, and now worked as a regular musician at a pub near campus several nights a week.
This was, in fact, where Wess was now; sitting upon the stage and meandering through a combination of songs composed by others, and songs he had composed himself. All were lyric-less, and played with a bittersweet edge on the pub's stained piano. He was also largely ignored; most people there were either Notists, disappointed in his failure to produce any kind of object through his songs, or otherwise ignorant students of Leckleston's. He didn't mind, though; he hardly expected anyone to be intelligent enough to appreciate him. Which was why his exist from the small stage in the corner after an hour of playing was quiet and uneventful, and almost no one noticed the transition from his music to a small band's.
Wess took his bag full of sheet music off to the side of the small, humble pub, and slipped his way through the crowd of people and up to the bar. He usually didn't drink much, and tonight was no exception. When he finished his short request he found a stool to perch on and did so, not bothering to glance to either of his sides until he had his drink in hand, at which point he utterly failed to notice a blonde man in glasses.
~~~~~
Said blonde man in glasses was carrying a bag himself, despite for once not being on business. Here, in a place like this, he was probably more comfortable just acting as himself, as a student of the University, no more. Though it wasn't to say that he didn't have his suspicions. There were always people that could not be trusted, and for someone like Bern, he felt like they were all around him. Though observation was the key to preventing problems before they arose, and it wasn't particularly prudent to make any effort to disguise himself in a place where he could easily be recognized. There were far too many students here for that. And come to think of it, he did think he recognized a few faces. Granted, Bern wasn't the best at observation, at least not when it didn't create any notable impression. When it did, however, his memory was practically photographic. Suspicion gave birth to a mental catalogue that he'd never lose track of, and finding a page was like finding something that had been tabbed and organized. Any desire he had to fill that catalogue, and he would go to great lengths to fill it. Not all of it was his own idea, though.
He wasn't here on business, but he didn't consider that he was here to drink, either. He wasn't much a fan of it, though he could probably allow himself a drink in a place like this, where he had more freedom to relax. In all honesty, he ought to. School was hard; work was hard. He didn't relax nearly as much as he should, and it was going to take a toll on his health if he let it go on too far. Fine then, he figured. He had a little extra money; he could buy a drink.
What was unfortunate, however, was that the bar musician who had been ignored was also thoroughly ignored by this patron. He'd sat down in an empty spot, and when the musician sat next to him, he noticed him about as distinctly as the other had him, which amounted to 'not at all'. At this time, Bern had already acquired his own drink, but he was more interested in running his finger around the rim of the glass at this moment. He'd started thinking; perhaps it was toxic at this point, but his focus had indeed drifted elsewhere, and the drink was left untouched for now.
However, untouched in Bern's hand didn't mean it wasn't going anywhere, unfortunately. Bern's mind wandering did in fact have the potential to be a dangerous thing. His powers based so strongly in his mind, and not exactly the same as those of other Runers, they had the potential to leak a bit. He was getting better at controlling them, but letting his mind wander did make that all the more difficult. Sour thoughts were certainly those to avoid when he had a glass in hand. However, touching upon memories of a previous preoccupation, the floodgates burst, a spark of uncontrolled energy scalded his fingertips, and fractured the glass, spilling some of the drink over himself and the companion to his left. The mistake was immediately noticed, and Bern stood with a curse, hand still poised as though it held the glass, though this was no longer true. Well, this was going to be difficult to explain.
Meanwhile, Wess, who had probably not thought much of it before, might still have sensed the unbalanced energy in the individual next to him. Unbalanced energy was rare; it was hard to tell just what it indicated, as it could mean anything from illness to corruption to simple mental distress. Though he would probably notice it now, if never before. Especially now that the other had spilled half his drink on the bar counter next to him; well, the glass was broken, that was reason for it... But it was still a good part of a drink in his lap. And it didn't seem that the blonde had yet noticed he wasn't the only one who had it all over him.
~~~~~
Wess had felt something raise the hairs across the back of his neck, a small, unassuming prickling sensation that he didn't amount to much more that alcohol or coldness, and wouldn't until he had some time to actually think. Which he didn't, at first, because suddenly there was a cracking noise, and then there was some kind of liquor leaking into his lap and soaking into his clothes.
Having been rather lost in thought himself, Wess took a moment to react to this. There was a brief period in which he transitioned from thought to reality, and then a deep, angry annoyance slipped over his features before disappearing into stony coldness. Moving slowly, as if to keep from disturbing himself, Wess stood and let the drink in his lap trickle to the floor. His chin tilted up a bit, as it often did, so that he could peer down his nose at the man to his right, who also appeared to be thoroughly soaked in his drink. And it had to be his, because that was the one that looked as if it had exploded on the counter.
"At some point, you must understand that intoxication is no longer quite reasonable." Wess commented, his tone condescending, as if this entire situation had been brought about by the man's carelessness concerning how much he'd been drinking that evening, which was in turn a childish, stupid thing to be careless about. Although it could have been taken with concern, had his tone been different. But it wasn't. Wess was trying very hard not to be angry, but that anger was still showing itself in the form of haughty degradation.
~~~~~
For a few more seconds, Bern was more than a little preoccupied with what the hell had just happened. Glasses didn't just shatter under ordinary circumstances, and this was something he would probably have to explain to someone. Thankfully it wasn't so loud as to attract the attention of the entire bar; that was a fortunate thing. The glass had splintered and cracked and fallen apart, but it hadn't exactly exploded; that would make this easier to handle. Sometimes his abilities were just not well under control, unfortunate as it was. Though he blamed himself entirely for this mishap. It was by no means the fault of anyone around him, and even though he would doubtless prefer to blame his problems on another, this one was his problem through and through.
And at hearing the other next to him speak, he finally turned to notice the other nearby, who had also stood up — He realized with chagrin that the drink had also spilled on the other next to him. That was frustrating... That meant apologies. That mean explanations. Though it wasn't too hard for him to find one, for he was no average person when it came to knowledge. However, before explaining himself, or anything else that had happened here, he was going to have to do what was more important.
"With all due respect, I hadn't yet begun..." A slight smile, mirthful, yet uncomfortable at the situation and the other's clear annoyance, crossed his lips. "I do apologize for you being involved with this mess, but I don't think there's a thing I can do at the moment to help, with you or myself... " Surely, the bartender would soon begin to clean up the mess, but as for the two of them, Bern was rather marinated, and thankfully Wess had only allowed a small amount to pour onto his lap before standing. Bern then remembered there was at least something he could offer the other. He set the bag on his shoulder down onto the barstool, digging into it to produce a handkerchief. He used it for polishing, but it was clean at the moment. He offered it to the other, ignoring the mess that his clothing had become. This was definitely not a normal act for him, but given the circumstances, he had to act a little out of character to avoid being noticed too much.
"This is a curious incident, yet I think I may have deduced why the integrity of these glasses is so compromised. Being that most drinks are served cold, the glasses are likely chilled, most likely in a freezer, before use. However, when one orders a drink intended to be served at room temperature, they will instead take the glass out and run it under hot water. This causes rapid expansion of the surfaces and small fractures in the glass. The more they do it, the more fractures, until nothing more than a slight pressure causes the cracks to expand on their own, and presto, your glass falls right apart." He gave a sigh, contemplating his hands, noticing just then that he'd suffered a small cut from one of the pieces of glass on his middle finger. He absentmindedly rubbed at the blood with his thumb. "A simple problem that could easily be solved by setting aside glasses for those purposes, but the great majority of human beings are plebeians who can't figure such a simple thing out on their own, aren't they?"
~~~~~
Wess's expression was largely unreadable while the other spoke, though there were hints of confusion and delight when he launched into his long-winded explanation. This man seemed intelligent; not everyone was aware of such minor details of bar maintenance and glass, but he also seemed to be speaking far more than any normal person. Wess considered allotting this to the evident fact that he was intelligent, but it didn't quite seem likely.
He smiled briefly, though, when Bern went on to place the both of them on a level higher than the rest of the population. Not that Wess didn't already consider himself there, but none ever really agreed with him, and the change in this pattern was rather nice. The possibility that Bern was trying to blindside him with flattery flew right over Wess's head, and tugged with it his suspicions concerning the man's explanation. Wess lowered his chin a bit in order to be more at eye-level with the slightly shorter man.
"I have to agree." Wess replied, and refused the handkerchief. He was liking Bern, now, and he wasn't certain anyways how much good the small cloth would do despite his smaller mess. The fact that he'd managed to get the drink on his clothes was still upsetting, though; he had few garments he considered fit for playing in, and now these would have to be washed, and that was money he could use. And what if he couldn't wash the clothes? He would have to live without, or send back to his mother for more, neither of which he was entirely keen on doing. When the bartender offered him a towel, Wess took it without a second glance and pat down the stool he'd been using, before sliding onto it again and starting on his pants.
"I assume you are taking a chemistry class or two, then?" He asked idly while he did so. Wess wasn't usually one for conversation, but this man had piqued his interest, and he didn't yet think he wanted to seem rude.
~~~~~
While Bern knew he'd been rambling on, more or less, he figured it could all be chalked up to the situation. He was, quite honestly, embarrassed about this. Not because it had been a freak accident, but because it came down to a lack of his own personal control. And not only that, it could very well have made him suspicious, especially if there was someone there within the bar that was not of good honor. Still, it seemed that his explanation of the situation had satisfied the other, and that was a relief. It had been hard enough to come up with a plausible explanation on the spot, but Bern didn't have reason to doubt his ability to explain something, particularly something that he understood well enough to compare it to natural phenomena. This specific situation had required him to get a little creative, but he'd done so easily. Sometimes Bern was quite the talented actor. The only thing that might have shone through his facade could have been the unbalanced power he conveyed, but that was gone by now. He'd managed to suppress it. He was usually able to keep it within normal levels, though the unbalanced factor typically would remain.
As the other refused the handkerchief he'd offered, he shrugged and put it back into his bag. Well, he'd tried to do what he could, in his power. Perhaps that was all that needed to be done, not that it would have been his normal reaction, but he didn't want to make enemies right now. The bartender handed him his own towel, and he undertook a similar task as the other, deciding he would, too, return to his seat. Now the other seemed more agreeable, and more talkative, and there was no such information as bad information.
When the other tilted his chin down to meet his eyes, Bern met the action, his own eyes, steely and ocean-colored, rose underneath half-open lids; he had a bit of a condescending look to him, despite his height being below average for a young man. Piercing, yet almost brooding, he seemed very much there and simultaneously very much lost in his own mind. In some ways, much like Wess's own, and so much unlike his. Clearly he didn't think that mattered from his previous discourse; he had no hesitation to point directly at the fallacies and incompetencies of others. While his words might very well have been flattery, putting Wess on a higher level by pushing down others in the area, Bern was very subtle, and whether it was intended as such or not, those words had worked their magic.
The fact that the other was already conversing so easily about school was promising to Bern, and he replied. "I'd consider chemistry trivial compared to the disciplines I'm studying now, without undermining its importance; it is merely not completely necessary to my current studies. Though, yes, I do know a lot about it. I suppose you could say I know a little about a lot of things, not to call myself an expert in any one thing." He raised an eyebrow. "Your inquiry leads me to believe that you, too, are in the midst of your studies. Would you care to discuss with me why you are attending Leckleston's, yourself?"
~~~~~
Wess allowed a small smile to lift the corners of his mouth a bit, but nothing more. He was beginning to like this man, who spoke at his own level and who clearly was no so stupid as the others in the bar. He certainly wasn't warm, though, which was a bit off-putting, but that hardly mattered at the moment. He could amount that to a lack of knowing enough of who this person was; he had to hope that the other was doing the same for himself, since Wess was no kinder.
"I am focusing, at the moment, on Noting." He replied, "As may have been evident by my playing on stage until a moment ago, I am rather interested in music in all of it's complexities. And you?" He said the first part with something of a challenging tone, as if testing to see how observant Bern had been, and what he thought of music. There were a few things rather important to him when meeting a new person, and this was one of them. Wess was a bit of a romantic in that way.
Wess hadn't yet figured out the connection between the prickling at the back of his neck and the shattering of the glass. Actually, he had yet to realize there was a connection at all; the kind of magic the world ran on was external, a force to be harnessed through the three methods taught at Leckleston's. He had never heard of an internal power, and especially not one being unbalanced. It would be an interesting idea, sure, but he hadn't yet fathomed it. It still seemed like it had been unimportant, a passing breeze.
~~~~~
He was right to assume that Bern was a warm person. That would be a stretch. Perhaps he could be warmed up, but his natural tendency was to err toward coldness. And it wasn't that he didn't care about the world around him — well, sometimes, he certainly didn't. But he had never been particularly personable. His strength was of the mind, though he couldn't say he always knew himself all that well. He spent so much more time working toward logical pursuits than personal understanding, as was probably completely different between him and the young man he was currently engaged with. He wasn't sure, actually, how the other thought of him just yet. Though he could tell that so far, the conversation was going positively. While he wasn't one for networking, he didn't mind learning more about the other. No, not at all.
"Noting... well, I suppose you fit the bill..." Bern murmured, glancing over his shoulder as the bartender cleaned the glass off the counter. The two of them really had gotten over that mishap quickly. That was the way Bern wanted it. His eyebrows rose as the other mentioned that he'd been playing a moment ago — he wouldn't give too much indication, but he hadn't noticed it. He had too damn much on his mind, if the shattering of the glass was indication enough. There was, however, something very pleasant about this conversation. It brought him out of the dark areas of his mind and got him focusing on other things. Okay, so he wasn't normally personable or one to enjoy another's company, but if he had to pick someone, this one wasn't so bad. He didn't need to know him well to be able to tell that he was pretty intelligent, and he could speak with him on relatively equal terms.
"Music?" he insinuated, figuring that was what the other had meant for him to discuss. Ah, yes, the topic must have been very important to a Notist. "Like any of the arts, technologies, disciplines, it has a distinct importance. Particularly with the application of energy, the results are intrinsic to expediency..." Okay, he hadn't really said anything about actual music yet. And that was going to be important to the other. Yes, if he wanted to stay in his good graces, he'd have to choose his words carefully. "Of all the arts without a structural function, I think it is easily the most important. Anyone can appreciate it, and unlike many other art forms, it doesn't require some kind of discipline and knowledge to do so. Bluntly, it's sublime." And these were his actual feelings on it. Given the ability it had to transport, it was significant. And easy to appreciate by anyone, including someone who wasn't much appreciative of the arts as he was. He did, however, hold architecture in special regard, for obvious reasons.
~~~~~
The smile remained, at that. Wess had really been trying to ask what the man was doing at Leckleston's himself, but he could see how he might have mistaken that for wanting to discuss music, and he liked how readily he had decided to speak about music. He wasn't so bad... in fact, Wess could see himself growing closer to him, if he was given the chance. Hopefully, he would be; he was mostly alone at Leckleston's, and this wasn't unusual for him, but he liked the company of others, and that was hard for him to gain.
For a notist, Wess was something of an oddball. Most notists were skilled players, yes, and held an appreciation for music, but they were also exactly like the vast majority of the population; noting was a parlor trick to them, a way to entertain themselves. It was even something to be wary of, when it's ability to transport objects could be so easily used for stealing. It wasn't a thing of beauty, as it was to Wess. Some viewed it as an intricate language to be explored and learned, but few, aside from a few of the professors who taught it and some other fanatics, saw it as beautiful.
But then, Wess saw a lot of things as beautiful. He loved the arts as a whole, and he took as much a part in them as he could. He read romantic novels and wrote romantic songs, and sometimes he painted romantic paintings. He liked to immerse himself in what he saw as beautiful, so it wasn't much of a stretch for him to admire noting as he did, and it wasn't a stretch for him to want those he was around to do the same.
"Yes, I would have to agree." Wess told the other with that same smile playing subtly across his lips. The bartender slid Bern a new glass of whatever he'd been drinking. "Music is easy to appreciate, but I often find that few admire noting in the same way. Music is a frivolous thing, as are most beautiful things, but making something frivolous useful instead is quite wonderful, and inclines the world to see it more fully." That had to be the longest thing he'd said so far, so he paused to take a sip of his own drink before continuing, "The application of music to real world physics is quite lovely, too; rather than it simply being a thing that draws certain people emotionally, it becomes, through noting, a thing that draws physical objects and beings physically. It is much like a metaphor." He paused again, allowing his words to be taken in, "I was wondering originally, however, what you might be doing at Leckleston's."
~~~~~
Unfortunately, while Bern was often not bad at speaking with certain kinds of people, Notists were not a kind of person who he was all too familiar with. He couldn't say that he was certain of how to communicate with them. They liked music, right? He figured if he was going to be dealing with a Notist then he'd have to bring up music. And maybe he was just a little bit too urgent, but for him, it was all in the inexperience of the matter. Still, the other hadn't seemed to be all that bothered about it. And his hastiness hadn't been an obstacle, so he was fine with speaking about himself a little. At least for the purpose of conversation. That was all this was, just a conversation... Just discourse, nothing more. At least to him; he had no idea about the other's intentions.
And just as the other was speaking, Bern now had another glass of what he'd ordered. Here he hadn't expected that the 'tender would hand him a new one; he'd figured he was done for the night where drinking was concerned before he'd even started, right? But communicating with Wess was calming him down, and he knew that he'd not end up making the same mistake twice. (and, concerning the fact of what had happened, which might have been the truth anyway to some extent, the 'tender wouldn't make his mistake again, either... right?) He raised the drink to his lips, more interested in it this time around.
"I admit, it truly is easy..." Bern felt a bit awkward now, knowing that he'd kind of fucked up, now realizing that the other hadn't meant the question he'd insinuated. Mmwell. "Yes, yes, of course. I'm training to be a Runer, specifically, I develop the vessels themselves. The physics behind their workings, the way they manage energy, and I occasionally work with the designers for development..." So he'd determined very specifically what he wanted to do. Heck, he talked about it like he already was! And what he was saying wasn't a lie. He was definitely studying the more structural part of Runing within the university, so... judging by what he said, he was probably very mathematically and logically skilled. Not at all the kind of person who Wess was probably used to being around. In fact, those sorts of Runers usually kept to themselves, too; only really knowing one another.
~~~~~
Wess wasn't used to being around anyone at all, really, but a more logic-and-fact-oriented person was not one he would usually choose to be around regardless. But he didn't mind it, really; clearly, Bern was intelligent, and Wess himself had taken an interest in runing only the previous year. It was an interesting topic, and really, it wasn't very different from noting itself in the eyes of many. Both were strange languages, and both channeled energy, though everything else was quite different. Noting simply allowed for more of the traditional beauty, and thus more notists than runists were appreciative of the things Wess appreciated.
Runing seemed to fit Bern, in a way, so Wess did not find it so surprising. He was a bit disappointed to find the other mentioning his working with others outside himself for design, though; that meant he was probably less involved in art that Wess was hoping. So he really was more of a logical person, then... still, he could find that interesting. Few thought in such a way and did it well, as Bern seemed so far to.
"Runing is intriguing." He commented, taking another sip of his drink. This would probably be his only one that night, so he was drawing it out a bit; he wasn't much of a drinker, but he found it calmed him some and allowed him to keep his composure. Not that Wess was much of an anxious person, but he was annoyed rather easily, and he preferred not to show the resulting anger. "I myself took a few courses on the subject just last year, but I found it less suitable for myself than noting. The two are rather similar, but I prefer the capabilities of beauty held more closely in noting."
~~~~~
Due to his circumstances, this was the only drink Bern would be enjoying that night as well. Had the 'tender not fetched him another one, he wouldn't have ended up having one at all; that had been enough of a shock to him, having temporarily flashed — what he called it when he had a momentary loss of control over his power. Thankfully, this usually happened in private, so he was particularly unlucky this time. However, he couldn't call himself unlucky, not really... not when he'd gotten to know this Notist... who wasn't all that bad, he figured. He didn't seem like he was a threat, that much Bern could deduce... no, he didn't seem like a spy, just an average person. And that was a more comfortable dealing for him. Since when had he been able to talk to someone on good terms? He wasn't here to make friends, after all... at least not thanks to the secrets he had to hide. Making friends was too risky, really... At the least, making too many outside of the circle he knew was safe.
Well, Bern definitely didn't look the type who would be any good at art, even if he was made to do it. It couldn't surprise Wess too much that he wasn't an artist, or at least didn't work in the more artistic realm of Runing. No, surely he was developing ship technologies, or even Runing theories. Someone had to do those things, otherwise the technologies that literally held their worlds together wouldn't exist in the first place. And they needed brilliant people to continue to uphold and improve upon them.
"Doubtless," Bern replied, sipping at his drink. "Though it is very precise, as you have surely noticed... unlike with art, there is no subjectivity. Mistakes can be catastrophic. The worst a Notist can do is send someone to the wrong place. The worst a Runer can do is inadvertently kill hundreds of people... It's not for the faint-hearted, that's for sure." He shrugged. "Personally, I'm thankful for the level of precaution taken to ensure safety. I'd have some problems with the system if it wasn't so tight."
~~~~~
Wess shook his head at that. The idea that noting had no problems concerning safety was a widespread one, and it made sense that it would float about, but it wasn't true. Wess hadn't learned it himself until he'd taken a few of his classes in noting, but it was really fairly easy to get things wrong and end up sending parts of people places, entirely unattached from the rest of them, should a notist miss a note or part of a melody. It didn't happen often, though; notists went through a lot before they were considered capable of finding a job in the industry, and... well, the string of song for "person" was pounded into the head of every notist in the first class, and it was hard to mess it up.
Regardless of that, though, he understood that Runers had far more at stake when doing their jobs. Misdirecting energy or forgetting a single line on a single run could prove catastrophic, and it was difficult to do much there anyways without a huge array of peoples' approval. It was a hard industry to get into, and an even harder one to stay in, too.
Beginning to lose himself in thought, Wess's long fingers tapped a little melody on the bar for a moment. Then he caught himself, and returned an attentive, somewhat contemplative gaze to the man before him.
"Problems in noting may arise beyond misdirection, should one play a note wrong in the song for a person. We call it splicing; moving one part of a person somewhere different from the rest. It simply does not happen so often, and it is not so notable as the larger-scale issues that arise when runers fault in their jobs." He shrugged, "But yes, runing is difficult, and precarious. It does not help that things change so often in energy flow." Then he paused for a long moment, unsure what to say next. The conversation had sort of lost it's momentum... then he spoke up again, a bit less loudly. "What is your name? I am afraid we must have gone through this entire conversation without this knowledge. You may call me Wess."
~~~~~
Where Noting was concerned, Bern really only knew what he heard. He knew what he said was an assumption, and, in fact, he was much more comfortable speaking with the other now, easily comfortable enough to say something for the sake of discussion. The truth of the matter was that it was still small talk, in the end. He considered it sure was a good thing that Noting wasn't used for large groups in some way or another; Runing on the other hand did tend to apply to larger groups, as it was seldom that anyone ever took a ship somewhere alone. You would have to be awfully important for that. Not to say that it wouldn't be done, though, however it was exceptionally rare.
Not to mention, Bern was sure that there was just as much work involved in getting it just right as any of the other disciplines, and he could imagine that a Notist who slipped up could really be in trouble. Lawsuits or death sentences came to mind.
"Hm. Well, I know what I have been told of Noting," Bern admitted, "and I dare say I've never heard of something like that happening, though it sounds grotesque. Certainly to be something that I wouldn't ever want to know about or be involved with. Yes, any dealings with energy must be done carefully, I am sure of this." Then the other brought up the subject of name. Well, Bern wasn't one to jump to introducing himself; this had never been like him. He could tell the other was getting bored, but if he was asking for his name, he must have been okay with it. "Wess, you may call me Bern." He paused, then clarified. "Short for Bernard." He knew his nickname was not one that was used often.
~~~~~
Wess nodded in response, looking pleased and almost smug. He'd managed to make a friend, sort of... or, at least, get along with someone else for a somewhat extended period of time... if five minutes could be counted as a long time.
He went on talking after that, engaging Bern in topics and darting between long, confident explanations and shorter statements. He seemed to be warming up quite a bit, though; as time went on, he was speaking more and more, though this was more an indication of how intelligent he felt Bern was than how confident he was in himself, as some might assume.
It was a while before he broke off to go back to his dorm, but he did, with a smile now firmly planted on his lips. He had decided to enjoy the other, and he felt comfortable in doing that.
It was longer, though, before he saw Bern again, and it wasn't by any kind of purposeful scouting.
Wess had been making his way out of the Note building and towards the same bar he'd met Bern in a couple of nights before, where he hoped to find himself something to eat. When Bern had turned unknowingly from another walkway into his own, just a few steps before him, Wess let a small smile tug his lips up and took a few long strides to catch up to him, before falling into step beside him.
"I have not seen your around for some time, Bern." He greeted idly, "How has your study in runing been?" Alright, he wasn't the greatest conversationalist. But he did want to talk to the other, finding his earlier comfort returning with the presence of Bern. Perhaps they would be able to find some kind of long-term friendship in this.
~~~~~
As they continued on speaking, Bern never gave the other any doubts that he was any less intelligent than the other had originally perceived him, from his explanation of why exactly the glass had broken. Funny how it hadn't even necessarily been the truth, but doubtless, he'd proven his worth as a knowledgeable person who Wess could be comfortable talking to. Maybe even in the future. Perhaps now that Wess knew him; knew his appearance and his name, he'd see him more often. They were both attending the same school, and while it wasn't small, it wasn't huge either, and they would definitely cross paths again.
Though their conversation had tapered off at first, they managed to get back into it by talking about other things. Deeper things, more interesting things than the small talk they had started with. And that was enough to keep Bern interested, even though he hadn't been initially interested even in the conversation that had begun.
The end of their discourse had been met with Wess leaving, though Bern had decided to stay. He had finished his drink, and it hadn't taken him particularly long, though he had been sitting there the whole time with the empty glass still in hand. He'd gotten so distracted, he'd lost track of time. He contemplated the glass for a moment, thinking wistfully. This wasn't at all how he'd planned for his night to go, but he didn't regret it. Talking to someone as a friend wasn't something he got to do often. And perhaps it was an enriching experience, despite how petty social interaction often could be. He could see himself speaking to Wess again. Perhaps he'd even be more comfortable with inviting him a little more into his life. Though not too much; he had too many secrets to let Wess know him intimately, like a very close friend... Still, he could imagine himself spending a lot more time with Wess. Wistful smile lingering, he placed the glass back down on the barcounter, still thoughtful as he headed back to his dorm.
Another day, he was heading back from his private obligations, back toward the dorms, when he was suddenly surprised by someone making an effort to catch up to him. At first he was vaguely offended by the rudeness of trying to outpace him, but then realized it was just Wess trying to catch up to him. It had been a while since they'd met. "Greetings. I've been preoccupied, I suppose, or perhaps our paths just haven't crossed." He tilted his head back, looking slightly up and to the side toward the other, though he didn't raise his head as high as he had been the first night they'd met. Though Wess might have noticed that over time, it had drifted lower that night, too. That sort of thing had a tendency to look arrogant; perhaps it was a visual sign of his need to look superior dwindling. Wess was pretty tall, so he might have originally felt like he'd have to work harder to look "bigger", so to say.
"Mm... My studies have been well, how about yours?" He was feeling pretty tired, as he'd been working hard, though it wasn't uncommon for a student to be tired, so it probably didn't seem all that odd to Wess. Though, while Wess wasn't the best conversationalist right now, neither was Bern, thanks to his weariness.
~~~~~
Wess, being fairly awful at reading others, hadn't actually noticed the lack of condescension in Bern. Or, rather, he had, in that he hadn't noticed Bern was being condescending in the first place. Which was probably ignorant in it's own right.
Wess himself was seeming less haughty, though; his chin was lowered as well, and he peered only slightly down at the other as if they were equals. Or... potential equals. He usually had some trouble accepting others as equals, and Bern was no different, though for the most part he really did find himself enjoying his company. He did not quite meet his standard appreciation-wise, but he was still obviously intelligent, and there was definitely that element of comfort. Not comfort in the sense that he was somehow consoling Wess, but in that he was easy for him to be around, and to speak with. Probably a strange thing to feel about one most would find absolutely infuriating, but there it was.
"The same as they usually are." Wess answered with a careless wave of his hand, then stuffed them both into his pockets. It was a bit cold outside, with the season creeping quickly into Winter, and this area was prone to plenty chilling temperatures... And now, he had nothing left to say. Not anything he could think of, anyways. What did normal people talk about? What had they spoken of that night, even, when this whole conversation thing seemed so much easier?
Wess didn't allow himself to worry too much about it, though; instead, his attention simply began to drift off again after a couple of seconds of social fear. In his pockets, his fingers started twitching as a few snatches of melody swam with languid ease into his thoughts.
~~~~~
If he was awful at reading others, then it might be tough for him to really figure Bern out. That is, figure him out from what Bern was willing to reveal. He was rather protective of himself, so the fact that he was willing to start looking at the other in a more positive light was saying a lot. Getting Bern to not be a stuck up asshole was really a lot harder than Wess would probably ever know, seeing as he'd broken past a layer or two of his protective outer shell very easily. Though Bern was well aware that he was being soft, he also didn't feel like Wess was a threat, and that was part of the reason he was able to feel that way. Actually, he could tell that the other had a tough time with letting others close to him as well, despite how easily he had warmed up to Bern. There was just something about the other's mannerisms, from Bern's perspective, that hinted at Wess being rather withdrawn himself. And that gave him a certain confidence, too.
Meanwhile, Bern felt a certain sort of comfort that, to him, was unfamiliar as well, but that he, again, didn't feel threatened by. It might seem weird to be threatened by such a thing as comfort, but Bern knew better than to fall into too much of a pattern of submission, because it was a common tactic of betrayal. He didn't expect at all that the other would betray him, though; he couldn't help but feel like Wess had the same, or at least similar insecurities, but doubtfully the disturbing kinds of secrets Bern was trying so hard to protect.
"That's fair; I suppose you are doing well in your classes, then." That was one thing he liked about Wess. He'd really come off as intelligent in so many ways. In ways that he, himself, wasn't really familiar with. But intelligence pervaded all forms of interest, and while he wasn't necessarily the logical type like Bern was, he understood him; intelligence was like a language of its own.
"I was heading back to my dorm; yourself?" Bern knew he must have looked tired. But something in his mind led him to feel like he could stay awake for Wess. Unfortunately, his sudden response, a little late for the question, had probably startled Wess out of his productive thoughts.
~~~~~
Wess pulled himself back out of his thoughts at that, shaking the bits of song with ease. His fingers ceased twitching, and he nodded in response to Bern's first statement, then turned his gaze out and away towards the trees of the park-like bit of campus they were walking across. He was smiling, now, as he had been a large part of the night they'd first spoken. It was a small, subtle smile, but it was there all the same. The fact that Bern had assumed he was doing well in his classes only from the one conversation was flattering, and flattery got nearly anyone everywhere with Wess.
"The bar," Wess told the other in reply to his question, "They happen to have food there, which they allow me to eat as part of my pay." Usually he would be embarrassed by this, to some extent, but he'd learned how to make it sound less like he was desperate long ago. Which he was; Leckleston's wasn't cheap, and he wasn't rich. Free meals had been part of his deal with the owner of the bar when he'd begun playing there.
"Perhaps you'd like to come with me, unless you have other matters to attend to?" He asked suddenly, sort of on a whim. He definitely wouldn't mind the company.
~~~~~
"Oh... Is that so?" Bern asked, a little slowly as the other mentioned that he ate at the bar. At least conversation wasn't requiring him to be extra attentive; he wasn't sure he could particularly be right now. "That sounds to be a good deal, assuming their food is decent..." He mused about how expensive the food was in the area. He had never been one to cook, but he started trying to learn, at the last, because it was too expensive to buy food himself. Wess wasn't the only one who had problems with money... Bern had other obligations, but he didn't get the same kind of benefit from them, perhaps... He had a certain protection, he had some kind of support. But it wasn't necessarily the kind that Wess had. He still had to use the meager wages he received in any way he could, and sometimes that meant finding a way to cook. He did, however, find himself rather annoyed with the way it took so much of his time.
But going to the bar did sound awfully nice. He would be happy to join Wess, even though he was so tired. And honestly, he'd forgotten already how hungry he was. "...If you're heading there, I suppose I could join you." Though Wess could probably tell just how tired he was; he could end up realizing that, and yet, Bern had still accepted. He surely -did- want to spend time with him, right? And he didn't have anything to tend to, just to rest...
~~~~~
Wess had noticed how tired the other seemed, but he wasn’t certain how to react to that. He knew it meant the other needed his rest, but he also knew that he enjoyed Bern’s company, and he was eager to have time to spend conversing with him again. It wasn’t like he himself was all that tiring, either… Or rather, Bern didn’t seem to think he was, which Wess appreciated. And Bern definitely didn’t seem one to accept an offer he didn’t want, so he sort of figured he was in the clear where that was concerned. And perhaps some time to relax and converse would actually help his exhaustion, too.
So he smiled a bit more at that, and nodded again. “Lovely.” He commented, and soon lead Bern onto another path, away from the dorms and towards the bar instead. It was in the city Leckleston’s inhabited, off campus and a bit of a walk away, but it wasn't too far. They would reach the place in perhaps fifteen minutes.
Wess looked a bit excited, though, glad to have someone else to talk to. He so seldom did; not many on campus actually cared to speak with him. Actually, none did, aside from a couple of his professors. He spent most of his time alone, so a bit of company he could comfortably be around was welcome.
~~~~~
Bern definitely wasn't well off, but being with Wess did matter to him. That was a strong reason why he had gone ahead and accepted the offer. Besides, perhaps he could scrape up a little something so he could buy something to eat. It was early in the evening; he really shouldn't have been this tired at this point in the day, but he was, if only because of the kinds of training he had gone through for a good part of it. He was always wiped out by the end, but it was very important. Wess probably figured he'd just not gotten enough sleep the night before; perhaps he'd been up studying, or doing things that students did... it could be either or, but Bern had also made it sound like he was being put through a difficult program. Unfortunately, Wess couldn't know just how difficult.
Bern didn't mind as the other led him to the bar, though he was really quite silent all throughout, thanks to how tired he was. When the other engaged him, he'd respond, but otherwise, he would stay quiet. It was a long walk, so perhaps he would get enough fresh air to wake himself up a little. Having company was pleasant, he mused, as the other simply walked alongside him. He didn't even need for him to speak; there was an element of comfort just in having another present, someone that he knew cared about him and would speak to him if he wanted it. He felt like their friendship just might have been one of the best kind, which was good considering he didn't count anyone else at the university as his friend, either. Maybe in the future, they could plan time to spend together. Hopefully Bern could encourage it to be on different days, as well...
Before long, they would arrive at the bar, after that short walk. Bern was getting chilled at that point; he found himself mustering a shiver as they stepped into the warmer indoor area of the tavern.
~~~~~
Wess didn't actually engage the other often, finding it easier to let his mind wander while they walked, for the most part. There was a silence between them that he didn't feel needed filling, and he was glad the other felt the same way... though he supposed it probably had something to do with how tired he was. He sort of wondered why that was, but then, Bern was a student as much as Wess was, and he knew how easy it was for studies to exhaust one. Maybe he'd ask later, though.
Wess was kept rather warm by his heavy coat and scarf, but he gave Bern a small, concerned frown when he noticed the man shivering. Maybe this hadn't been the best of ideas; he could get Bern sick, and he didn't want to do that. They were already at the tavern, though, so he supposed they might as well sit and eat something, and found a table near where the band was currently playing to sit across from Bern.
"Do not worry about prices, they will put your order on my tab." He informed the other, keeping his tone calm and inconsequential in an effort to spare him the embarrassment. He knew the financial strain Leckleston's placed on it's students, and he sort of assumed it affected Bern in a way similar to how it affected him. He'd only have to play an extra half an hour or so to cover it, anyways.
~~~~~
Bern hadn't figured that it was a big deal that he was cold by now. It had been a long day, and the days were growing colder, not to mention the walk to the bar was a bit substantial. All these things put together, he wasn't surprised that he was getting a little cold. Well, it was only going to get colder from here on out, so he probably ought to get used to it. Either way, the warmth of the tavern changed that quickly, and it would be a chilly walk home, but he wasn't sure he cared; it was worth it to have a little time apart from his studies. And despite his introversion, very much worth it to spend a little time with someone else he felt that he trusted. And maybe cared about. Maybe that was pushing it a bit, at least for him.
True, he wasn't wearing a coat. He didn't wear one until it got pretty cold, usually... He disliked the restrictive feeling of jackets; he felt the same way about t-shirts. He pretty much only wore button-down shirts for that reason. The same went for blue jeans; they felt too tight and restrictive on him. He much preferred dress pants. Most people would probably think the opposite, but that was what was comfortable to him, and it did seem to give him a more dignified and intelligent look, he figured.
He raised his head rather quickly as the other offered to put his meal on his tab. What the hell? That wasn't something people just did. Even friends, really. At least, he'd never known of it being something that happened. And he certainly hadn't expected the other to offer. He would have almost been offended if he knew that the other would have to work longer to cover it... "No, that's not necessary. I have the money," Bern replied, feeling a bit uncomfortable by the other's very generous offer. He could cover it himself; it would just mean being very careful with his money. It was a small price to pay, to him, because it was awfully nice to spend an evening with someone for once.
~~~~~
Wess regretted the offer, then. He had just been trying to be courteous, but he could tell it was sort of backfiring. He hadn't meant to offend Bern, but... well, it was a fair assumption to make, he thought. And it wasn't like it would affect him all that negatively... Maybe he was just too out of practice with this 'being nice' thing. Or rather, he'd never been in practice. He had no idea what he was doing here.
Shifting uncomfortable, Wess only nodded in response to that, his gaze on the menu and his expression unchanging. The waitress came around a moment later to take their orders.
The rest of the night eased off on the discomfort when Wess found a question to ask to spark a conversation, and it helped that the food was fairly decent. It was Treescape food, which meant hearty meat and vegetables, and it was seasoned well and, overall, passable.
They ended up staying for quite some time, and Wess grew visibly more relaxed. His attention didn't really waver from the other unless the band was playing something he particularly liked, at which point he would drift, some, and his fingers would start tapping against the tabletop in a soundless melody, as they did when he began to lose himself in thought. He showed some concern, though, when he noticed little signs that Bern was growing tired, and he wondered if the other would refuse an offer to take a room at the tavern... It was colder outside, now that the sun had gone down, and it was sort of a long walk anyways, and though it was the weekend the following day and there were a lot more people here than there usually were, Wess was certain he could find a place for Bern to stay. Even if he couldn't, he could probably get the owner to bring in some blankets for him to set up the extra cot in his room...
He didn't want to embarrass Bern again, though, or offend him. Would that do either of those things? He couldn't really be sure, he didn't exactly know very well how Bern would react to that sort of thing at this point.
~~~~~
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Post by NobleAlyssum on Feb 13, 2014 16:12:55 GMT -8
~~~~~
It wasn't that Wess had done anything wrong. He'd clearly just caught Bern off guard. But if he were to insist and offer him a meal anyway... well, Bern would find a way to repay him somehow. Even if it meant making something for him... himself. Though for now, it seemed that Wess had backed down from his offer, so Bern would pay for his own meal, as he had intended. Though the "being nice" thing in question was definitely something that Bern had never been in practice with, either... probably due to his overall attitude and distrust towards others. Apparently, except Wess. And maybe a few others that Wess had never met.
The food he ended up receiving was really pretty good. He wasn't used to Treescape food, but then again, he ate whatever he could get his hands on, and this was so much better than what he could usually afford. Seasonings, for that matter, were one thing he'd never had much of. After eating, he seemed to gain a lot more strength, and the two of them spent hours talking that evening. Bern did start noticing the other occasionally growing distracted by the band, and took a certain pleasure, despite the fact that he'd lost focus on him, in watching how his features shifted, how his fingers started tapping the counter... It was odd. Usually he preferred it much more when attention was on him... When he wanted it, anyway. Perhaps he just... didn't want it now. He just wanted to observe him, analyze him. He couldn't recall feeling this way about someone. He always would prefer to engage them, or... well, analyze them for a completely different reason other than simply appreciating them. He was beginning to feel exhausted, though. The heavy meal had worn him down all over again, and he couldn't really even find much focus to converse. Rather, he'd become comfortable with just watching the other, though even his thoughts about the other's actions and mannerisms had dwindled, until it was barely even observation. He found himself yawning, struggling to keep his eyes open, holding his head up on his hand. When Wess started to notice Bern nodding off every so often, he'd surely realize that he'd stayed too long. The cold air might be enough to wake him up to get back to his dorm, but clearly, that wasn't the best thing to put him through. He'd looked a bit tired when he'd accepted his offer, hadn't he? It must have compounded. It seemed that he'd really wanted to spend time with Wess, for him to accept even under those conditions.
~~~~~
When it came to the point where Bern was practically falling asleep at the table, Wess had to make up his mind. He sort of felt guilty for dragging Bern all the way out here, but he was sort of pleased that he'd taken up the offer anyways. Had he really wanted to talk with Wess that badly? He didn't seem the irresponsible type, so he wanted to assume that that was it. And he could make it up, too...
"You know," Wess began, sitting up a bit in his seat, "I am sure there is an extra room somewhere here. If you are tired, I can ask for one for you. And if not, there is a cot in my room you are welcome to take." His eyes darted over Bern's sleepy features for a moment with evident concern, then, before deciding to rest on his eyes. Damn, he was even making Wess tired... or maybe he already was tired, and just now realizing it. He couldn't be sure, but something about the combination of the heavy, fulling warmth in his stomach from his dinner and Bern's obvious drifting exhaustion was making him sleepy, and he yawned. He really, really hoped he wasn't being offensive or anything, but... well, he himself would hate to have to walk back to Leckleston's at this point, and he wasn't nearly as bad off as Bern was.
~~~~~
No, Bern certainly wasn't irresponsible. Interesting how even when they'd first met, he might have seemed the irresponsible type. But right now, he was just exhausted thanks to his prior exhaustion and now the addition of much time spent with Wess, and a good hot meal that was probably a lot more hearty than he was used to. All that added up to a significant amount of exhaustion, even more so than Bern had probably anticipated. And besides, it wasn't exactly an easy walk to and from the school. Wess had a very good point in his offer, one that was awfully persuasive.
"Hmm..." Bern murmured with a sigh, sounding somewhat faint. "That would be prudent." He wasn't looking forward to the trek back, either. He had more reason to stay, even if it was awkward. He knew Wess well enough to stay with him if he had to, right? ...Well, some students at Leckleston's even had roommates. Bern wasn't one of them; he had a tiny little room of his own, which was much nicer than having to stay with a roommate, but surely he could trust Wess. The issue here wasn't trust. And it wasn't that going back was the least bit sensible, either. So the choice was obvious. Stay here for the night, if Wess could manage it.
So, it seemed that staying here would be the best course of action. Now Wess would just have to figure out where he could stay.
~~~~~
Wess smiled at that, looking a bit relieved. Not only had Bern agreed to stay, but he didn't seem offended, either. And Wess wouldn't have to walk him back to his dorm, which he was something he'd have to insist upon at the very least. That was a bonus.
"Alright," Wess started, nodding and now standing, "I will be a moment, then." He pulled his eyes away from the urge to cast another glance in Bern's direction, then, before moving off to find someone that worked at the tavern. He wasn't really certain why he had that urge in the first place, but he... well, he wasn't going to think about it any longer, because it was obviously entirely irrelevant to the events at hand.
It didn't take long for Wess to find someone, who didn't take long to find the owner, who took even less time to inform Wess that there were no open rooms. Which meant Bern would be spending the night in his room, so the owner went off to find someone to find him some spare pillows and blankets, and Wess returned to the table to retrieve Bern himself.
"There are no vacant rooms," he informed the other, not bothering to take a seat, "but blankets are being sought as we speak so that you may use the cot in my room. I suggest we go up now, then?" He wasn't really sure hwy he wanted to pose that as a question, but he supposed he was a bit hopeful that they'd spend some more time talking. Not that they'd been talking all that much... Well, whatever. Bern's needs were pretty much taken care of, now, so he supposed it was up to Bern himself whether they went up to his room or not.
~~~~~
Granted, while Bern had accepted his offer, he might have been too tired to actually reject it, at least to have the sense to argue the point. This way, too, the both of them would not have to over-exert themselves when they both had clearly started getting tired. Bern moreso than Wess, but Wess would have ended up tired himself if he'd ended up having to walk Bern back to his dorm.
Bern watched quietly as Wess got up to try and discuss things with the owner. He wasn't entirely sure how he felt about this, but honestly, his exhaustion was taking precedence here. And it wouldn't be so bad. He'd just have to be careful. Despite how much he trusted Wess, he still had his suspicions. If he didn't trust him, he never would have taken the chance of getting this tired in his presence. Then again, it could be that his trust was misplaced, but he didn't know that yet. And it sure would be miserable if it was.
When the other finally returned to him, however, he'd nodded off. His head was still held up by his hand, elbow firmly locked in place against the table. But when the other came back and spoke to him, he was startled awake by the sound of his voice, despite the noisy bar. So it seemed he'd be staying in Wess's room... okay, okay. He could handle that right now. He went ahead and stood up; perhaps moving around a bit would wake him up a little bit more. And who knew, he might be able to spend more time with him before he really did pass out after all.
~~~~~
Wess waited a moment for Bern to respond, but when he didn't, he decided to take his silence as a 'yes'. He looked way too tired that was probably good for him, and... had he just been sleeping, too? God, he was glad he hadn't insisted on going all the way back to his dorm. Obviously, he was in no shape to be going anywhere. Wess's upper-level room might even be a bit of a stretch.
"Come on, then." He urged the other, and started moving away to lead him to the stairwell, unsure what else to do. He didn't want to push boundaries by actually touching Bern to lead him off, but he wasn't being very responsive, either. This would have to do. He could only hope that Bern was following him, though, as he made his way to a doorway on the other end of the room, and started climbing the stairs. He moved slower than he usually would, though, in an attempt to make sure Bern could keep up in his obviously exhausted state.
Wess's room was on the other end of the building on the third floor, far away from most of the tavern, but far more quiet because of it. The room itself was small, and it felt a bit claustrophobic with so many unframed paintings on the walls. It was tidy, though, as were the paintings themselves; not only were they kept nice and straight, but the actual style of the paintings was, while beautiful, meticulously painted and clean-looking.
In one corner was his bed, made up and looking nice, and on the other wall was a cot already set up with blankets and a couple of pillows. The only sounds in the room came muffled through the glass of the window, and those were only the passing drunk or otherwise group of people.
Wess set the bag he'd been carrying down beside his bed and sat down on it, removing his boots, socks, coat and scarf. He glanced up at Bern while he did this a few times, though, watching him.
~~~~~
It was pretty clear that he'd nodded off since he didn't have Wess to distract him and keep him awake, but it was no matter... at least he wasn't trying to walk all the way back! Getting up and moving around would help him wake up a bit more, most likely, rather than the opposite, though all the time that was going by wasn't helping all that much. He definitely seemed more alert going up the stairs, which was good news. It meant he probably wouldn't trip over himself in the process of getting up there, and that was a step up from where he'd been before, passing out at the bar counter.
When Wess opened the door to his room, Bern opened his eyes a little wider to take it in. He had a decent room, bigger than the one Bern had on campus, and his own bathroom. Not bad, if Bern had to say so. At least it was a nice quiet spot; Wess probably liked that a lot. Not unnoticed were the many paintings on the wall. So this was what his room looked like... Bern's own room was the plainest ever. Hardly any color, nothing on the walls. He kept everything so damned clean and organized. Maybe someday he'd have Wess over at his place... Not that the other would like it all that much, he doubted. Besides, they'd probably spend at least some of their time in the community kitchen if that did happen, because he'd feel obligated to feed him. He hated going hungry, himself.
"Nice place," he murmured, stepping inside, but not doing anything else. He just watched the other as he started undressing... kind of idly, not really thinking much of it, but this was definitely something he hadn't seen before. He was probably too tired to think much of it.
~~~~~
Wess stopped with his scarf, leaving his pants and button-up shirt on, and stood again. He looked a bit unsure, now, but there was still a touch of concern to his expression. Why hadn't Bern moved to lay down, or... something? He was just watching Wess, and Wess wasn't sure if that was because he was too tired to do anything else, or if it was because he didn't know what to do, or... something else.
"If you need to use the bathroom," he tried uncomfortably, and gestured towards the half-open door, "it is over there. Feel free to do what you need to do." He was sort of hoping Bern would go in, so he could change into more comfortable clothes before sleeping without Bern in the room. Actually, now that he was thinking about it, he wondered why he hadn't thought about that earlier... he'd have to wear something loose, he guessed, and hope Bern wouldn't notice his womanly form.
~~~~~
It might make Wess a bit more comfortable, then, to know that Bern really wasn't just staring because he was a pervert or something. He was unsure of what to do, and he was also tired, and those two things together really did result in inaction.
Though when the other finally gave him some indication of what to do, he took the suggestion gratefully, going into the bathroom and closing the door. His brain was still working, so he contemplated a few things while there, not really needing to use the bathroom, but he had definitely gotten the hint from Wess that he wanted to change, or at least have some privacy. So he'd taken the suggestion. However, while he was here, he might as well do something.
Running some cold water, he splashed it on his face, hoping it would help him with staying awake. After all, he felt like an idiot, practically falling asleep in public like that. But he had known it wasn't a good idea to go all the way back home, especially after that. There was no way. And, he considered, he'd have to take care not to embarrass himself so much in the future. Even now, he was considering how he'd probably sneak out in the morning so he didn't have to burden Wess anymore with his presence. But it was awfully kind of him to suggest letting him stay here. He would have to thank him, too. Maybe he'd be able to leave him a note somehow... Well, he knew he'd see him again plenty, as well... It was hard to say what he should do. However, he did take his time in the bathroom, giving Wess plenty of time to do whatever it was he needed to.
~~~~~
Wess gratefully took the opportunity to put something more pajama-like on, and when Bern got out of the bathroom again, he was lying back against his pillows with a book in his hands. He'd wait until Bern laid down in his cot before setting the book down, removing his glasses, turning the light off, and settling in for sleep. He'd sort of hoped for some more conversation before they found sleep, but he was exhausted, and he knew Bern was as well. Sleep was definitely the best thing for the both of them.
And it came quickly, after the lights were off. Wess didn't wake until light was streaming through the window next to his bed the next morning, and he was pleased to see that Bern was still asleep. Good. He needed to rest up some, and it would give Wess a chance to change in privacy.
He slipped out of bed and grabbed some clothes out of his dresser, trying to be as quiet as possible so as to allow Bern as much rest as he could, and then slipped into the bathroom to clean himself up some and change.
~~~~~
Bern didn't take long to fall asleep once exiting the bathroom. It was really a matter of collapsing onto the bed, pulling the covers over him, flattening his back against the wall, and falling to sleep. He wasn't even going to need the light off, that much was obvious by how exhausted he was. Apparently splashing the water in his face hadn't done anything to help, but it didn't matter now, either. Had he tried to stay awake longer, things might have been different. Well, there was always tomorrow for conversation... that was, assuming that Bern didn't leave.
The good news for Wess was that Bern didn't leave, because he was still fast asleep, making up for the exhaustion that he'd suffered the night before, which could have been the result of lost sleep building up... or other things, who knew. But while Wess was in the bathroom, he woke up. At first a bit startled because he didn't recognize where he was.... Right, it took him a few seconds to remember that he'd been so exhausted last night that Wess had brought him back to his room. It made him relax a bit more when he realized where he was. But he immediately felt guilty and embarrassed. Perhaps he ought to leave before he caused the other any more trouble. Carefully, he turned the sheets down, stepping onto the floor, looking around him. Wess wasn't in his bed; was he away? No, probably in the bathroom, as the door was shut... He might be able to get out then. He moved toward the door, wincing at the creak of a floorboard...
~~~~~
Unfortunately for Bern, Wess stepped out of the bathroom just then, perhaps rushed a bit by the sudden creak from inside his room. His hair was wet, his face a bit rosy from cleaning, and his glasses were off, but other than that he looked much the same as he had the night before. Perhaps a bit confused, too.
"Good morning." He greeted, a note of bafflement in his voice, "Do you have somewhere you must be?" Wess didn't really intend for that to have any kind of accusing tone in it, but it did. He was a bit hurt, wondering why Bern was so eager to leave so quickly, without even a thank-you. It wouldn't have been hard for him to wait around a bit; Wess was only in the bathroom for a couple minutes to clean his face, hands, and hair. He hadn't been long. And if Bern had been so worried about some kind of appointment the next day, why couldn't he have let Wess know the night before?
~~~~~
Bern stopped abruptly, not particularly surprised that he'd been caught, but it still caught him at an awkward moment, and that made this whole moment all the more uncomfortable. He stopped, turning back to face the other with a sigh. It was awkward, sleeping in his glasses and all. He hadn't even bothered taking them off, so it felt a bit strange having them on upon waking. Though it did allow him to focus well on the other's face.
"Well... if you must know, I don't. However, it felt..." He'd have to choose his words carefully. Giving a sigh, he picked something. "...inappropriate to remain here any longer than I had to. I've already inconvenienced you enough." No, it wouldn't have been hard for him to wait around a bit to thank him. But that wasn't really how his mind worked. He had just felt uncomfortable and the reaction he had to this emotion was to try and flee. It wasn't at all that he didn't want to show his respect to the other for being so kind as to let him stay in the first place.
Bern leaned against the wall next to the door that he hadn't quite made it to. "...Surely you understand. This is your private property and I wished to ameliorate my rudeness by occupying it by leaving as soon as possible." He hoped that made enough sense to the other, anyway. He wasn't sure he was completely making sense to himself, at least not entirely... What he didn't know, however, was that Wess probably thought of nothing of this. In fact that he might have been happy to have him stay. It wasn't like Bern had snored all night or anything. He was, in fact, a very quiet sleeper, though he slept kind of like he was in a tomb, not really moving through the night.
~~~~~
Wess frowned at that, moving over to grab his glasses and put them on. He looked too feminine to his liking with them off, and he wanted to be able to focus his eyes better regardless.
Had Bern really thought he needed to run from Wess? He hadn't been unkind, and he certainly hoped he hadn't made it seem like Bern was unwelcome. He might usually try to do so for anyone else, but Bern was... well, different somehow. It didn't matter.
"You need not feel as if you must flee." He told the other, moving to lean, like Bern, against the wall that jutted out where the bathroom was. "You are welcome to stay for a while longer. And... if you have nothing planned, as you say, we might get some breakfast somewhere. It need not be here; there is a less expensive Sealand restaurant not far from here."
~~~~~
Bern was feeling more and more awkward about this from the reaction he was getting from Wess. Subsequently, he flattened himself more against the wall, though he didn't really notice his body language at this point. While he normally would be very careful, there was just something about Wess that threw him off. He wasn't sure what it was, and he realized subconsciously that he shouldn't be feeling so anxious and awkward at all.
"...That wasn't really my intention..." His voice had quietened, as he had clearly grown less confident. "I don't mind staying if... as long as you don't mind. I have no obligations this weekend." He closed his eyes for a moment, ruffling a hand through his hair. Well, fuck. It had gotten all messed up overnight. He pulled the hair tie out as though by habit, figuring he was probably better off just shutting up right now. But the other was still more or less asking him questions that he would have to answer. His hair fell down over his shoulders; the other would probably think it looked weird when it wasn't tied back. It made him look quite a bit less masculine and professional, especially the way it fell down past his shoulders, just a little wavy. He combed his fingers through it before pulling it back again and tying it behind his head.
"I don't really eat breakfast, but I suppose, if it suits you..." He paused, then. "...I could make breakfast. If I knew what you liked to eat."
~~~~~
Wess took notice of his sudden loss of confidence, and he was even more baffled by that. Bern seemed to be a confident person, even as confident as Wess was. So why did he suddenly seem nervous, even meek? Was Wess doing something he hadn't noticed? Had he done something wrong? Suddenly unsure, Wess's shoulders slumped a bit, and he pressed himself back against the wall as well.
The other's hair actually looked nice, Wess thought... yes, it made him seem feminine, but it was... well, pretty. An odd word to apply to Bern, but there it was. He liked it, and he found he was actually somewhat disappointed when Bern retied it.
Bern's agreement to stay for a while encouraged Wess some, and a smile tugged at his lips. Maybe he would even regain his confidence, too... he would rather Bern be confident and comfortable than as nervous as he seemed now. This was uncomfortable for Wess as well, and it made him want to tiptoe around fucking everything, like every other conversation topic was filled with a poisonous gas he had no way to detect, and he didn't know which ones were filled with it. Everything felt like a terrifying chance to him, right now, when before he'd been comfortable simply being around Bern.
"That sounds nice." He agreed, offering Bern what he hoped was an encouraging smile. "I will eat a fair assortment of things. It is your pick."
~~~~~
Mostly, what had caused Bern to lose his confidence was that he was well aware that he was not acting appropriately. But he wasn't sure -how- to act in this situation. He knew that what he was doing was wrong, though. And yet he couldn't really come up with what else he could be doing instead. That was a difficult place to be in, when one was certain they were handling something all wrong, but they were uncertain just what was wrong and how to change it to make it right. His initial desire really had been to escape. And it was partially for the sake of escape, but mostly for the sake of leaving Wess alone. Leaving him to his devices and letting him go on with his life without him there to get in the way. Why he felt this was necessary, he didn't know.
Heaving a sigh, he slumped even harder against the wall. His voice was inordinately quiet. "I'm a terrible guest. I apologize. ...But it isn't as though I have a lot of opportunity to become a better one." Yes, it was embarrassing, but he was throwing it out there. He simply didn't know how to -be- a guest. Nobody invited him places. Wess, who might have felt lonely, would probably realize that Bern was just as lonely. Maybe even more so.
As he retied his hair, he was staring at the ground for the most part. Though Wess probably liked seeing that new side of him briefly; a side of him with his hair down, it didn't really look like -him-, in the same way that it surely wouldn't look like him if he took off his glasses. He would look like a completely different person, and if he didn't open his mouth, Wess would probably believe that he was a completely different person, too. Maybe it was best that he got to know the Bern he already knew a little about, first.
Though his confidence had dwindled at the moment, he did seem to be giving the floor a rather cold stare right now, as if he blamed it for his problems. And maybe now, the whole situation would make more sense to Wess as well, and he wouldn't feel like he had to be so careful, either.
At the other's smile, however, he'd see Bern's eyes lift, if ever so slightly, toward his, and it was hard to tell, but the corner of his mouth rose ever the slightest bit, affirming that he had probably done exactly the right thing.
~~~~~
Wess actually felt a pang of pity at that, and wondered if Bern was as without company as he was. Well, he certainly didn't have reason to assume otherwise. Every time he'd seen Bern so far, he had been alone, and he didn't seem to have any obligations to fill outside his classes. Well, that wouldn't make him much different from Wess himself, then... except Wess also have his music, as well as his art. He had a few more obligations than Bern, at least that he was aware of.
Wess wasn't really certain how to interpret Bern's little smile... He got a feeling from it that told him he was doing something right, but then, he seemed to get that feeling a lot around Bern. Or rather, he did sometimes, and the times that he didn't he worried that he wasn't doing something right, and he felt certain that he should be. That could probably have been seen as some kind of manipulation, but Wess didn't really see it that way; it felt like it came from himself, rather than Bern. Like he was the one that wanted to do things right, and Bern simply assured him that he already was, every so often.
"You are a fine guest." Wess told him, trying now to give him the same reassurance he'd given Wess, "Though I suppose now you will have the opportunity to practice, regardless."
~~~~~
Well, what the other had said certainly seemed to allude to him being a pretty lonely guy. He hadn't seemed to have prior obligations for the weekend, at least according to what he said, but surely he worked hard in his studies, and that took up his time... He must go to the bar occasionally, for whatever reason... Granted, now Wess probably could only hope to see him there more. Perhaps he'd come to listen to him play sometime. Where Wess had music and art and school and no real friends... he could deduce that Bern had school, no real friends... and probably something like mathematics, science, or logic. They really had a lot in common in certain ways.
Bern had barely been aware of the very slight smile he'd given; he knew he must have reacted slightly, though he wasn't sure just how; he hadn't been thinking much about it. But that little smile, despite it getting past Bern himself, should have told Wess a good deal. That even though Bern was distressed and upset about what he'd just been saying, and annoyed with his hair... he didn't feel that way about Wess. Rather the opposite; in fact, he'd shown him that his presence went beyond the things that troubled him. Rest assured, Bern had no real reason to manipulate him, though it wasn't a task beyond him if need be... Wess was just doing the right things.
"...Is that so? Then I didn't disturb you by being near, I suppose..." Bern brushed his ponytail over his shoulder, stepping away from the wall. "In that case, I may have to allow you the same experience... sometime. Not that I have much to offer." He was smiling now, and it wasn't near impossible to see this time... He didn't have a huge, bright smile like some people, but he could definitely be certain that Bern was smiling now.
~~~~~
Wess was pleased with that, glad that it seemed Bern was willing to meet again sometime. And he didn't mind that Bern wouldn't have so much to offer; he didn't exactly have much himself, and what he did have he mostly had to make up later by working extra. Which he didn't entirely mind... While Wess was thoroughly convinced that almost no one he played for actually appreciated his music at all, and thus didn't deserve it, he also enjoyed the practice itself.
Music was a kind of escape to Wess. Not from his mind, as most felt it was, but rather the opposite; music allowed Wess to think without the anonymous crowds of the world pressing in around him so much. While Wess was lonely, he also despised the vast majority of the human race, and he hated even more the complete mystery each individual was. Most of them were stupid and aggressive, reverting all too often to their violent instincts and disregarding entirely all that was beautiful, but all of them were also completely unknown to him, and they didn't seem to have any desire to change that. Wess's music was a sort of wall between himself and them, and it allowed him to safely drift with his thoughts, and lose himself in his own mind.
"Not at all." Wess assured the other, "It does not matter what you have or do not have to offer. I do not need to be offered anything..." He stopped then, letting the sentence trail off a bit when he realized that he was about to say something he didn't actually want to say. 'except for your company' was not something he felt would be appropriate to say to a man he'd met a few days ago and just invited to a completely platonic night in his room.
~~~~~
Bern definitely felt like meeting again with Wess. He didn't know how things were going to go in the near future, so he couldn't plan anything, but he figured he would leave the concept open. If Wess was willing to have him as a guest again, he would be happy to be that guest. And if Wess wanted to be his guest, then he would do the same. But that was where not having much to offer came to light. He could cook for him, but there was little else to do. Not in his room, at least. If for some reason Wess needed a place for the night just as he had, he would gladly allow him to spend a night in his room. Granted, he didn't have a cot, but he would have no issue with sleeping on the floor; he liked a hard mattress, anyway.
While Wess had a way to "escape" from all the ridiculousness that was sometimes the real world, this wasn't quite the same for Bern, unfortunately. The real world caught up with him, and in so many ways. Just one of them being the secrets he was expected to keep. But he didn't have a certain safety net. Logic would certainly not protect him from the frustrations of the real world; rather, it would probably exacerbate them. Perhaps, due to this, Bern really needed more than he ever let on to. He needed something to rescue him, though what could that something possibly be? Perhaps it could be Wess. Teaching him of the ways to shield himself, perhaps. Or, even better, serving as that shield all by himself. But putting this kind of faith in one person was risky, especially for someone like Bern. And yet, he knew how much faith he was putting in Wess, just how much he cared, and he knew he shouldn't. It shouldn't be this way; he should be alarmed at his reactions. But right now, he was enjoying the presence of the other. For now, he wouldn't entertain those uncertain thoughts. There was no shame in enjoying the other's company while he could.
"...It... simply is important to me that i match what you offer," Bern replied. Sure, he knew that Wess probably wouldn't care. But to him, though he might not have thought this way about any other person, Wess had already given him a lot, and he owed him. So, that debt would be repaid, someday... right? Unfortunately, he didn't know yet that he was about to rack up a lot of debt with Wess. It would be some time still, but no one could particularly anticipate what was going to come. Thankfully, though, having Bern warm up to Wess was surely enough to relieve the notist. And with another step closer, Wess probably started feeling that the other's proximity to him could have something to do with his comfort level, at least in this moment.
~~~~~
Wess felt himself relax again when the other seemed to regain some confidence. Or... was he? He was stepping closer, which could be considered confrontational, rather than pressing himself nervously against the wall. Instead of moving away from Wess, he was moving closer, and that was definitely comforting. Though... yes, perhaps for more than just the one reason. While it almost certainly indicated that Wess was doing something right, it also meant that Bern himself much be relaxing, which was gratifying, and that... well, the obvious: he was physically closer. Wess tried to shut these thoughts out, though (especially the last), as they inched towards something slightly more than platonic. He had a good amount of success, too.
"Do not worry yourself over it." Wess replied, subconsciously drawing himself away from the wall as well, and more towards Bern. When he realized what he was doing, though, he stepped to the side instead, and picked up the jacket and scarf he almost always wore. Of course, he insisted to himself that this was only because he didn't want to intimidate Bern or anything, but he knew at the same time that he was afraid there was another reason to drawing closer to him. Bern was almost practically a stranger, and while he had likable qualities, Wess should be more careful. This guy could... well, he doubted he was anything dangerous, or involved in anything dangerous, but there was probably some kind of danger that could potentially be there.
It was still doubtful.
"I do not have a kitchen here; usually I eat downstairs. If you would like to cook, we may have to try your own home. Perhaps we can pick up some ingredients on the way?" Wess was clearly trying to change the subject, hoping to let Bern know that he didn't care how much debt the other felt he was in, but it wasn't as if the subject was a new one; they'd sort of dropped it before, and Wess did want to be able to spend at least some of his day in Bern's company. What Bern probably didn't know was that while he was still learning to cook, Wess had been raised with that knowledge, courtesy of his mother. He was a fairly harsh judge when it came to food, though he would probably be able to keep his mouth shut if Bern proved to be less than phenomenal.
~~~~~
Yes, what he was doing could definitely be considered confrontational, given the right situation. However, this was definitely not a situation where the other was insinuating confrontation. At least not attempting to, if it was even the case, and it wouldn't make sense if it was. He was comfortable being closer, and, in fact, each step probably gave more of an indication of that. He wasn't the sort who had a habit of being touchy feely, that much was obvious, but Wess would probably be surprised to find out how much he really did, though it might not seem like something he would do. When he got used to being touched, it would probably occur to him just how much he wanted it. Anyway, while he was physically closer, it wasn't to say that their relationship was anything beyond platonic yet. The two of them hadn't touched at all yet, and even friends would do that, right?...
When Wess stepped forward, it made Bern a little nervous and hopeful and confused all at the same time, but when he stepped to the side, the confusion ended up winning him over. Apparently he wanted to put his jacket back on, but Bern didn't think it was cold in the room at all. Anyway, now that he was "trapped" here... okay, trapped wasn't really how it felt; not now! He felt a lot more comfortable around Wess than he did around anyone else... and that was special, seeing as he didn't really feel comfortable around others. But Wess just had something inviting about him....
"Hmm... I... didn't figure you did..." Bern felt his face flush, though he was fortunate to know that he tended to blush more at the tips of his ears, and his ears were hidden. That was one thing he was always thankful for; it was easy for him to be embarrassed and be less detectable. "That's fine with me; I may have some of the ingredients we need already, though you'll have to let me know what you want me to make." This was weird... cooking for someone else. It was definitely something he'd never done, and he hardly had learned to do it for himself in the first place... "...Oh. I should warn you. I am certainly no expert. I cook for the purposes of staying alive, if you know what I mean. But I don't think I'm terrible, either... still, you have your warning; you can back out now."
~~~~~
Wess couldn't help but smile at that and, yes, it was a bit smug. Maybe he'd be able to cook instead, then... Or help Bern cook something. He knew a few recipes for Sealand breakfast fish, but most of the dishes he could do were comforting Treescape dinner food. And he would like cooking with Bern, he thought... maybe he'd even be able to teach him a thing or two so that he might cook for pleasure, rather than survival. Wess hadn't done that since he'd been at Leckleston's, but he knew he used to love it.
"If you would like," he began, shooing the smugness away in favor of a pleased kindness, "I myself do quite a bit of cooking. Or rather, I have in the past; I learned under a wonderful chef, but I have not used those skills since arriving at Leckleston's. Perhaps I might assist you?" After situating his scarf just so, Wess pulled his glasses off and began cleaning them. He wasn't really aware of it, but that was something he tended to do when he became excited and interested about something. He probably would have found it annoying and tried to stop it if he'd picked up on that, but as of yet, it wasn't something he'd ever noticed.
~~~~~
Well, who could blame Bern for needing to cook for himself? Wess himself had to have plenty of trouble with money while attending the university here, and he wouldn't be the only one. Bern had never had to cook before, given his situation; the place that many students were also situated in — one where they would have to rely on the school itself for food, but the food was so damn expensive! Bern just didn't have the money. So learning how to cook himself was something he'd begun to do. Sure, it probably wasn't to Wess's taste or anything, he had a suspicion that the other had pretty refined taste, but at least he'd warned him, right? And the other could definitely try his food, see if it was decent?
And sure enough, the other went on to talk about how he very definitely knew how to cook. Bern would be flushed again, were it not for his ears being so well hidden that it would go unnoticed. He was such a perfectionist sometimes that honestly, having his skill (or lack thereof) in anything called up like this was uncomfortable. "... I appreciate your offer, but as long as I'm cooking for myself, and myself only... I almost don't see the necessity. Unless you are insinuating that..." He trailed off for just a second, realizing that the other really did seem to want to eat with him. And for a moment, while Bern had originally been embarrassed to talk about the subject at all, he wondered if he really hadn't made a mistake. "...you want me to cook for you?"
He watched the other cleaning his glasses fervently, wondering what he was thinking. He couldn't always place it with Wess. But getting to know him better helped.
~~~~~
Wess frowned a bit at that. Hadn't they already established that he wanted to take up Bern's offer to share breakfast? Or did he mean that he thought Wess wanted him to cook for him regularly? But that didn't make sense... Unless he'd managed to miss something vital. Which might also explain Bern's sudden lack of confidence. He didn't think he had, but Wess could be wrong.
"I thought we had agreed that we were cooking breakfast this morning?" His words reflected only part of the confusion he was dealing with; he was still trying to figure out if there was something he'd missed, and had placed his glasses back on his nose again to try and think over their actions since the beginning of last night's dinner. Well, there'd been his offer to cover Bern's meal, which had sparked some embarrassment, but he didn't know if that meant much... And he hadn't been drinking, so he trusted his memory fairly well, which meant that there didn't seem to be anything else...
Realizing he'd lost himself for a moment, Wess blinked a few times to return himself to the present. "If we are cooking together, and you are less than happy with your cooking abilities, I am only offering to assist you."
~~~~~
Basically, Bern had gotten cold feet really quickly when he realized that the other probably had a damn good sense of taste when it came to food, and that was what the reason was for his hesitation. He'd been made suddenly aware that his skills were simply not going to be up to par... and his embarrassment wasn't helping matters either. And yes, he had gotten the impression that, perhaps, Wess would want him to cook for him regularly... otherwise, what would be the point in teaching him how to cook, spending his time to do that? Bern had a different sense of... well, "what made sense" than most people, so perhaps that was also confusing Wess.
"...Yes, I... I figured so, but if it is just this once... is instruction necessary?" Fucking hell. Bern was really falling apart on this one, and he wasn't used to not knowing exactly what to say. Not at all. What was it about Wess that was causing this, anyway? He was doing this to himself, though, wasn't he? Analyzing the situation was starting to help him realize that. He was going to have to make a decision on this, right now. His head couldn't make it. So he did something that he didn't normally do... he relied on his heart.
"...If it is what you want to do... then go ahead and teach me, just this once... "
With that, the two of them purchased ingredients and walked to the community kitchen together, and spent a good part of the morning cooking breakfast. Bern wasn't very experienced with spices, so he was pleasantly surprised at how much they were able to change the flavor of the food... and improve it so much, at that! The whole experience ended up being a useful one, and they ended up spending a good part of the day together afterwards. When it was finally time for Wess to go back to his home, Bern felt somehow satisfied... not that he had to leave, but that so much had happened, and it truly was a good use of his day.
Later that week, when Wess was playing in the bar, he'd probably feel like everything was the same as always. However, when he was met with applause at the end of one of his songs, he might be surprised to find that the applause was coming from a table in the back that he hadn't really observed that night. Bern was there, sitting with one of his school textbooks, probably studying while he enjoyed the music.
~~~~~
Wess was glad Bern had allowed him to come over and cook with him, and while Bern didn't exactly need a lot of instruction, he liked the opportunity to be in closer proximity with him, sort of. It was comfortable, and it gave him something to do that wasn't sitting around and waiting for Bern to finish cooking, and it ended with a result that both of them could enjoy. He left feeling content, too, though there was some anxiousness there as well. He was happy with how things were going with Bern, that they could be comfortable and friends together, and offer each other some needed company. But there was anxiousness in knowing that something about it felt like it wasn't entirely platonic... or rather, he felt anxious in thinking that he didn't entirely want it to be platonic, he didn't think, and he wasn't sure how to handle that.
Wess had been expecting... well, nothing, after Bern had left. Just a quiet week or two before he ran into Bern again, while he dealt with his usual school work. But instead of that, he'd been swept up in something entirely new; only a day after his breakfast with Bern, his father came knocking on his door.
Wess's father had left him and his mother when he was young, and taken with him most of their money, leaving the two only the possessions they had in that house and the house itself. It was part of the reason they'd grown up poor; his mom worked low-skill and low-income jobs, and she was the only one capable of working. She'd also never explained why Wess's father had left them, only that he had, so Wess constantly assumed the worst. He shut his father out of his thoughts, and tried to move on with his life, as his mother seemed to do.
So when the man showed up late at night at Wess's door, he was really, truly angry; he tried closing the door on him, and telling him to leave, and a plethora of other things and even eventually resorted to violence, in his distress. But his father talked him down and wriggled his way in, and then he sat with Wess, talking to him about everything except the thing Wess actually cared about: why he had left his mother and him in the first place.
It took a while, but Wess warmed up to him some as the man chipped away at years of harsh judgement and, yes, hatred. He even found himself liking him, and wanting his father to like him, which was why, when he suggested they go out for some time, Wess agreed.
And then he found himself in a shifty underground bar with a lot of cigarette smoke and Glass Thinkers wandering around. And after some careful urging from his father, Wess picked up a bottle of Glass Thoughts all his own and sipped it down.
The relaxing carelessness of Glass thoughts was addicting, and it seemed to be a medicine to it's own side effects; the awful low after such a lovely high was erased easily with another bottle. Wess's dad joined him in a several day long break from the world, until the bar owner came pounding on his door and demanded that he start playing again, before he kicked him out. Woken some from his haze, Wess struggled through an attempt to stop with the Glass Thoughts, and managed to play a couple of gigs and attend a few classes. He was still hazy, and the stress that normally strung him tight was almost gone, but he fought his way back out enough to keep his home.
So when Bern came to watch him play that night later in the week, he might notice that Wess was making an awful lot of small mistakes in his music and that there was a dreamy grin stretched across his features, and he looked... well, he was an absolute mess in comparison to how he'd been last time they had met. He clearly hadn't bathed in a couple of days, and his shirt (he wasn't wearing his jacket or scarf, which was strange) had a few strange little stains on it.
He noticed Bern, though, and after his little show he wandered over to his table and plopped himself right in front of the other.
"Well," he greeted unceremoniously, "didn't think I'd see you here. What're you studying at a bar for? You should enjoy it a little."
~~~~~
After that time had gone by, Bern had some time to think. Well, a lot of it, because he made sure to make it. In the midst of all that was a lot of thinking about Wess. How he felt about Wess, specifically. He knew that he trusted him. More than he trusted... well... almost anyone. There was probably one person he trusted more, but he trusted him in a different way. Not at all like... the way he felt about Wess.
And that got him thinking more, too. How exactly -did- he feel about Wess? It was so different. He'd never felt this way before, the more he thought about it. He really hadn't, and it both frightened and intrigued him. He was just his friend, right? He hadn't ever had a lot of real friends. It was unusually nice, though. He found himsel thinking about Wess a lot. And he wanted to see him more often. But not too much, otherwise he might not appreciate him... perhaps? He wasn't sure. But he did have him on his mind, a lot. To the point that he was starting to get in trouble with his work. He wasn't focused enough on what he was doing to do well, occasionally, and it was making everything he did difficult. He was starting to wonder what he would have to do. He knew it would have to be something, or he was going to have to push Wess away. And he didn't want to do that. While he was causing problems in some ways, he was really stabilizing him in other ways.
He decided he would visit him at the bar. After all, he knew when he played. It had been just before on the day that he'd come and met him there in the first place. He'd been playing right before then, and he figured that Wess would have a pretty regular schedule, so he showed up the following week ...about an hour before he'd arrived that first time.
However, he was taken aback at what he was witnessing. Here he'd thought Wess would be a phenomenal musical artist. But he was hearing what sounded an awful lot like mistakes. Was he just having a bad day or something? He wasn't wearing his jacket, or his scarf... he'd never seen him without them, except when he'd stayed with him that one night. But that was in the privacy of his own home... He'd figured he'd study for some of his classes, but now he was more distracted by Wess. Something must have been up, but he wasn't sure what it was.
At the other noticing him and coming closer, the feelings Bern had about something being wrong, very wrong, were growing stronger. Bern's powers of observation weren't always his strongest suit, but so much seemed wrong that he couldn't ignore it. The way he moved. He was used to the elegant posture the other always held; he appreciated it, in fact. That was certainly gone. And then there was the matter of the way he sat down, not at all careful. Almost like he'd slipped in the process. His words. They weren't right. His eyes narrowed as he began analyzing him like he did for part of his work. What was this, some kind of impostor, posing as him? And doing a shitty job at that? No, it was definitely Wess; he had taken his time scanning him to check for signs of someone wearing a disguise. He did have reasons to be concerned that someone might use Wess's appearance to get information out of him.
He closed his book, facing the other with a cold gaze, colder than he'd sent his direction since the first day they'd met. "I'll pass." He stood up, picking up the book, and tucking it under his arm. He needed to confront Wess about this, but he would rather do it in a more private place. He knew he hadn't finished answering the other's question, but he didn't feel like it was worth answering right now. No, he was going to get some answers of his own. "Come on." He then started toward the door, assuming the other would follow him.
~~~~~
Wess frowned at that, confused by Bern's cold behavior. Bern had been a friend to him, a source of warmth and comfort, so why wasn't he now? What was so different? All Wess had done was lighten up, shake off his stress, and find a way to be a little less careful. He knew what he'd been like last time: icy, and degrading, and tightly-wound. So this was a pleasant change, wasn't it?
But he followed Bern out of the tavern, stumbling a few times and wondering idly if he'd be able to get back to his room soon for some sleep before he hit a low again. Not that he was really worried about it; he just wondered if that was going to be possible. Hopefully this guy didn't put a stop to that... He seemed worked up.
A few condescending chuckles followed the two out, but Wess didn't seem to mind. Usually, he would have shot a few cold glares and snappy retorts back at them, but now he seemed to be drifting, as if he was caught up in a breeze of relaxation, and it had lifted him only gently off his feet. He really was wrong. He was happy, but it was the wrong kind of happy. It was the kind of happy that was going to make him sit in a ditch and waste away to nothing, leaving everything he'd worked towards and cared about behind without a second thought in their direction. It was a destructive happy, and it was probably terrifying to anyone who knew him as otherwise. Not that he actually knew, or cared.
~~~~~
Bern knew he was being an asshole, but it was for a good reason. He wasn't going to treat Wess with the same kind of respect if he wasn't going to conduct himself respectfully. And while he really got the idea that something was wrong — horribly wrong — it didn't change his feelings. There was no point in pretending that nothing was going on. If there was a problem, that definitely wasn't going to solve anything. And Bern could pretty damn well say there was a problem. While Wess might have thought he was just "lightening up", just taking it a little easier, letting go of some of that stuff that wound him so tightly... there was a difference between doing that and what he was doing right now.
Bern noted the chuckling as they left, and for a moment, it grated on his already irritated mind, and for a moment, time froze for him as he contemplated what the hell they must have meant by their laughing. He knew somehow that it was directed at them, but for some reason, he couldn't determine what it was, and still, a cold sweat rose over his face at the mixed thoughts he was experiencing. The frustration over Wess, those men... This was disturbing him. Everything since he'd walked into that bar, looking forward to hearing the young man he'd gotten to know play something beautiful. And when he'd walked in, that young man wasn't there. He was replaced by... this.
After he led him a few steps outside, finding himself shivering in the chilly air. It had gotten colder since he'd entered the bar for sure; the nights were growing much colder, and he'd neglected to bring a jacket again. Wess was probably plenty cold himself in nothing but his shirt, or hell, maybe the mess that had changed him kept him warm, too.
Bern turned on his heel after he'd gone outside and walked along the side of the building, getting him away from the door, halfway down the side. He did it quickly enough that the other might not stop in time, and that was his exact goal. So as the other almost inevitably bumped into him, since he was half gone, he'd shove him slightly to get his attention, too, cold gaze staring up into Wess's eyes, unflinching. "You're a mess." His voice was matter of fact, practically monotone. It got even colder when he was angry like this... "Look at yourself. You can't even hold yourself together." He gestured toward him. "You don't look or smell like you've washed in days. Your conduct is not unlike that of like a lush. Explain yourself immediately."
There was genuine fire in his eyes that Wess had never seen, and it was frightening. Not to mention there was no doubt it was directed towards him.
~~~~~
Wess followed him out, and though he was cold, he didn't really seem to care that he was cold. He just shivered and kept on following Bern, still thoroughly confused.
He hadn't really given much of a thought to Bern during this; sure, during those lows, he would sit in the dark and try to curl up into nothing because he knew it was going to make Bern hate him, and it was going to drive him away. How could it not? Bern was his friend, he felt, for a certain reason. There had to be one in there somewhere, something in what Wess usually was, so becoming something to different was obviously going to mess it all up. But then his thoughts would drift, and he would get deeper into that darkness, and then he'd see his father and he'd see the Glass Thoughts sitting on his nightstand, and his desk, and pretty much everywhere else, and he's grab one up again and drink it. At least it got him out of that place, right? At least he didn't have to feel like that.
He did bump into Bern, and it startled him, and then Bern's harsh words and tone and general demeanor startled him more. Why was he acting like this? He felt better this way, he felt like he didn't have to worry about things, and he was surely more interesting and fun to be around like this...
"I don't..." He started, then paused, rubbing at his face and disturbing the position of his glasses on his nose. "It's, uh, Tranquility I think. It's okay." Tranquility was the specific type of Glass Thoughts he had been taking; the one that relaxed and calmed down. There was a whole array of other kinds of the stuff, all of which made a person feel a different kind of emotion, usually positive. They all had similar side effects, but they tended to range on how serious they were. Tranquility wasn't as serious as some Glass Thoughts, but it was somewhere near the medium-high end of things. It was certainly one of the most addictive.
~~~~~
Bern had really gotten himself worked up. He was aware of his aggressiveness, and while he didn't want to show it toward Wess, he felt like it was fully warranted. Even now as he considered his state, and took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself. He wouldn't accomplish anything useful if he let himself stay so angry. He'd made his point, now it was time to calm down, right?
He could imagine how this had started. Something must have been bothering him enough that he would turn to the Glass temporarily. And then he ended up picking something that hooked him, and he kept drinking it. He'd hit the lows, and he couldn't handle it anymore, so he took more. He understood. Addiction seized hold quickly and it was a nuisance to break. He'd... been there himself. Not with Glass Thoughts, as he figured the case was with Wess, given his demeanor and the changes he was noticing, but that didn't mean he didn't understand or relate. And yes, he'd gotten terribly angry about it, but he also understood that the person who was suffering from the addiction... really needed help to break them free. If he wasn't serious, if he acted like there was nothing wrong, or didn't make his displeasure firm enough, it wouldn't be worth it.
When the other looked down at him, rubbing his face, getting his glasses knocked out of alignment, Bern was at a point where the anger had faded out of his features. But what remained was distress and disappointment. Perhaps it was an expression that revealed more than he cared to, but this was what was left over, and he wasn't going to spend his energy on refusing to be genuine. Tranquility, huh. That explained a lot. "...I don't care what it is," he curtly replied. "The fact remains that it's not okay. Stop lying to yourself." Suddenly he got the feeling that he was going to do something unexpected that he wasn't able to take back. And he didn't rush to stop himself, either. He reached down and grabbed one of Wess's hands in both of his, raising it up between them, ignoring that it caused the book underneath his arm to fall to the ground. "The next I see you, I will see Wess. I refuse to see 'nobody'." And that said, he dropped his hand, bent over to pick up his book, returned it to its place underneath his arm, and he strode off quickly.
...So, thereby he entertained the thought of slapping himself, why the hell had he decided to grab his hand?! Ugh, he could have put his hand on his shoulder or something. He hated those moments when he made an impulsive decision sometimes. Oh well, it was over and done. It was a shame he had nothing but sour feelings to look back on concerning this moment. The anger was gone, replaced with that soured disappointment, dismay, even regret. Strange, he wasn't sure what he regretted.
~~~~~
Wess wasn't really sure how to process all of that, which definitely had a lot to do with his current mental state. But that was about as far as his feelings got right then, before he made his way back inside, and then up to his room where his father was.
Wess didn't actually think much more about that until the Tranquility wore off and he hit a low again, and then he actually wanted to cry, he hated thinking about that whole interaction with Bern so much. He'd... god, he'd fucked this all up, hadn't he? He'd driven Bern away, now. It wasn't just an almost-certainty from what might be the near future; it was an event, something that had happened that he couldn't change. Well... he could, but it would be hard. Sure, he had that little push from Bern, and fuck did he want to right that whole thing, but he wasn't sure quite how, and he wasn't sure if he really should. Could he, even? He felt like he needed Glass Thoughts, now, and he also felt awful...
And what would make him feel better?
He reached for another bottle of Tranquility.
A couple of days later, Wess and his dad found themselves seriously deprived of Glass Thoughts, and Wess sunk into more of a low than any he'd felt before. Bern was on his mind more than it had been during those last few days, as was the empty, regretful feeling that usually accompanied thoughts of him, now. And while his dad went out to hunt for more Glass Thoughts, Wess curled up on the dirty mess that was his bed and vowed silently, over and over, that he wouldn't touch another bottle. Not ever.
And then the low got worse, and his father returned with more Tranquility, and he grabbed yet another bottle.
Things went on like this for another few days, which turned into two whole weeks, and then he really did start trying to stop. He managed for a while, a few times, but he just... couldn't. His resolve wasn't strong enough, and memories of Bern were fading, and the lull of that stuff was too great.
Three weeks after that encounter with Bern, Wess hit such a harsh low during an attempt to stop that he just left his room, and started for Bern's dorm room instead. He knew it was a bad idea, and that he was just going to be turned away again, but he didn't really care. He wasn't getting anywhere, and he felt like he was just digging himself a deeper hole, and his dad was still there and quietly urging him not to stop... He needed help, and he wasn't sure where else he even had a grain of a chance of getting that. Bern probably hated him right now, and hell, he really barely knew Wess, but he was still a small glimmer of hope. Either way, he felt he needed to let him know that he wasn't capable of doing this, and that he was going to be gone.
So Wess showed up at Bern's door, dirty and ragged and looking just... awful. He had a stench to match, too. And he knocked, hoping he was remembering the place right, and the moment Bern opened the door he began to speak.
"I'm sorry." He started, and drew a small, shaky breath before continuing, "I know you don't want to see me, not like this, but I thought I should tell you that I can't really... do this. I can't. Not on my own, because I still have my father in there with all of those things, and it's really too much, so I can't. I tried, I'm trying now. I don't know how many times now, but it's the same every time and every time I can't." He was stumbling over his words, rather than placing them with his old grace, trying to get them out as fast as he could, as if a steady stream of words would keep the door open if he projected them with enough force. "I can go away, or you can help me, but you don't need to and you probably shouldn't and I'm sorry anyways."
~~~~~
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Post by NobleAlyssum on Feb 13, 2014 16:16:22 GMT -8
Wess hadn't been the only one who'd been in a kind of miserable state. Sure, it wasn't as chronic or intense as the suffering Wess was going through, but that didn't undermine it, either. The feelings that Bern was enduring were painful, feelings that gave him that literal sensation occasionally, leading his eyes to occasionally blur as he studied his texts... but for all his sadness, he wasn't suffering the way Wess was. And perhaps he continued to think of him, to wonder about him, whether he was okay, because he knew how powerful the stuff could be.
He even tried doing some research after a while. What if there was a way to beat Tranquility out there that he could find out about? But his searches turned up nothing. God, he hoped it wasn't something unsurmountable, though he had left Wess to his own devices. He'd done that because he didn't think there was anything he could personally do. Otherwise he would have tried to do it. But even when he tried to research the matter, he'd turned up nothing. Could it be that he wasn't digging deep enough? Did it even matter? He hadn't heard a thing from Wess though, so he figured he had to be fighting it, still. Or maybe he'd given up on coming back to Bern, regardless of whether he kicked the habit or not.
But Bern had made that promise and he wasn't backing down from it. It wouldn't say much of his word if he didn't. And while he hadn't forgotten about Wess at all, it still startled him when one day, there was a knock on his door. Nobody ever came to his apartment... He frowned, but opened the door anyway.
And there he was, looking worse than he'd ever think he'd see him. His eyebrows rose; Wess wasn't someone he'd expected to come straight here, especially not in this kind of state. But he didn't slam the door in his face, as his first reaction might have been. He hesitated, just long enough to listen.
He couldn't do this. He really couldn't do this.
And as the other begged and pleaded, and showed that he genuinely wanted to overcome this, and brought new information to light... Bern felt swayed, at least enough to try and figure this out. Having not found any information whatsoever, he couldn't help but feel like... here it was. A chance to solve the problem on their own. He'd come here for help; if he rejected him now, he'd be rejecting him as a person. He'd done everything in his power to change his path, to trash this addiction, and when he couldn't solve the problem, he'd come to Bern. Yes, he'd chosen him. In a way, he'd placed the problem in Bern's hands.
And while Bern had plenty of problems of his own, he wasn't going to turn him away.
"...We'll discuss this," Bern replied curtly, pressing his glasses up onto his nose. "But first, you're going to take a long shower, and you're going to give me your clothes so they can be washed." He stepped outside his door, taking his key, and locking it behind him. "I'll show you to the showers."
~~~~~
Wess visibly relaxed with that, obviously relieved, and nodded weakly. He honestly hadn't expected Bern to even hear him out, let alone... this. Give him a chance, at least. Just a chance.
Wess followed him down to the showers, and did as he was told, handing Bern his clothes when he was safely behind the shower curtain. Which meant his binder as well... probably a small detail when put next to this much, much larger problem, but if Bern noticed that it was there and recognized it, well... there it was. Wess didn't really care anymore about that, anyways. Or perhaps he trusted Bern enough to share with him that he wasn't physically male.
The shower was actually rather nice for the first few minutes. He was washing away all of the grime from he past few weeks, and it sort of felt like he was getting rid of more than the literal grime. And he was still relieved... Bern was giving him a chance, which meant he must be somewhat willing to forgive him, which meant he was probably more okay with Wess than he really knew. He liked him, and they could maybe be friends again... maybe.
And then the first few minutes passed, and Wess found himself sinking back into the regular feelings of his lows. The hopelessness, the certainty that this was futile, the general feeling that he was worthless and life meant nothing, really. And he found himself starting to want more Glass Thoughts... He turned off the water quickly, then, and found himself a towel to wrap around his chest, and left the shower again.
~~~~~
Yes, Bern was going to sit down with him and talk through this. As soon as Wess got himself cleaned up well, they could try and figure something out. Bern was just... going to insist on it. Nobody needed to be existing in that kind of filth, much less someone who he was going to be spending any amount of time around. But for it to get this bad... Bern was no psychologist, but he was going to have to go way back to try and figure out what had gotten him to pick up that bottle in the first place. A bottle that he clearly thought was no big deal. When he'd first met him under the influence, he'd had a terrible feeling, and maybe that was why he'd gotten so angry, because he knew the process of addiction. He knew this was going to happen. That he was going to hit rock bottom, just like this. And he'd hoped his words could change that. And yet knew that they couldn't.
He wrinkled his nose at receiving the other's clothes. They were filthy... disgusting. He didn't even want to touch them. But alas, they needed to be washed. He took them down to be washed, tossing the whole pile of them in. He puzzled over the binder for a moment, unsure of what the heck it was. He had to think for a while, but eventually, it occurred to him what it could be. He stared at the machine, after he'd set it to run, leaning somewhat on it, hand on his head. Had it really been so, this whole time, and he hadn't even noticed? He wasn't sure of his feelings about this. Well.. why would it matter? It was still Wess... still the same Wess he'd met who he cared about. It didn't matter if he was physically... female. Right? Though it didn't change the fact that it was going to require him to think a lot about this. How he felt about it, how it affected the relationship they'd already started forming, platonic or not.
Anyway, he needed to have his suspicions confirmed in some way, but that didn't matter. Right now, he left the machines running for a while. He knew that they would take much longer to finish than it would take for Wess to shower, but he figured they would work something out. There was no way Wess was going to fit in Bern's clothes, so he couldn't lend him any... He'd just have to wait for his to finish cleaning and drying.
Though Bern definitely hadn't expected to find the other practically running out of the communal shower when he came back to the room, and almost ended up running into him. "Where are you going?" he asked, none too kindly, but he couldn't believe he was already leaving the shower. There was no way he was clean. "Go back in the shower; there's no way you're clean. It hasn't even been ten minutes."
~~~~~
Wess definitely wasn't clean, though he had removed a good part of the dirt and stink he'd built up for the past few weeks. He looked agitated again, now, his eyes wide and his fingers not quite still. The resurfaced desire to stop this attempt to stop so quickly had scared him... He'd thought that Bern would help him, not necessarily by doing something but just by being there, and making him feel that empty, bitter feeling of loss less. Like somehow his presence was the equivalent to waving a magic wand and wishing it all away. But it wasn't, and now part of him wanted to leave again to find more Glass Thoughts, and that scared the hell out of him. This was going to be harder than he'd thought... For some reason, he had amounted all of his failures to still being around his father, and all of those little bottles, but that wasn't entirely the case now. This was a physical desire, a need. It wasn't just the easy thing to do.
"I... I'm sorry." He mumbled when he saw the other, slightly relieved that Bern was there again but still definitely terrified. "I wanted to... I wanted more of the stuff, Glass Thoughts, it scared me. I can go back now." That was true, he could. He didn't really know why he'd left the shower in the first place, just that he felt like he needed to, like getting away from where he'd felt those feelings would somehow distance him from the feelings themselves. It had made sense when he did it, but he could go back into the shower now, if he needed to. If Bern wanted him to.
Bern's words those few weeks ago hadn't necessarily changed Wess's continued use of the Tranquility, but obviously they had done something. Wess had thought the whole ordeal didn't matter, at the time. He had seen it as only a change in his mood, a way to relax a little bit, nothing that really mattered, even when he was on a low. But now he clearly thought different. Here he was, standing in Bern's dorm wide-eyed and shaking because he was scared of wanting Glass Thoughts. He obviously knew it was a problem, for one reason or another, and he wanted to change it. That had to be something. If nothing else, it showed that he cared about Bern; why else would he have started trying to stop so quickly? Nothing else had changed.
~~~~~
Bern obviously had realized that there was no way he could have made the kind of progress he needed to make, and perhaps Wess realized that too, but the anxiety that had gotten him out of the shower in the first place. And while he might have understood why the other was trying to leave so abruptly if he was given some kind of explanation, but as it stood, he didn't know. And he couldn't just stay there the entire time, either. He had to go get Wess's clothing washed; he couldn't just stand there in the same room, and even if he did, wouldn't it be just a little uncomfortable for Wess? Especially given his physical gender? It wasn't like there wasn't privacy in the shower stalls, but still...
Bern really could see that something had definitely changed since the time he'd last seen Wess. This would have been inevitable, he considered. Even though the other attributed his change in attitude towards Bern speaking to him, or at least to some degree, he recognized the reality of the situation now. And Bern had recognized it long before he had. No wonder he'd gotten so angry about this.
Though now that he saw Wess in front of him looking so shaken up; his eyes searching desperately, his fingers moving of their own accord but for nothing, he paused in his demands, and stood more upright, facing him directly. "... Will you be okay?" He knew the other was having a hard time, and while he didn't want to push him, he knew he had to. He had to do just enough to help him through this, and just enough to keep a sense of progress.
He only thought briefly about the way the towel was wrapped around him, adding confirmation to his theory. "Wess. I will occasionally have to leave this room. I understand that you are uncomfortable, but I can't stay here at all times. I have to get your clothes washed and dried so you can wear them again. And you are not wearing them without washing yourself very thoroughly. You will go back until you are completely clean." This he was going to be firm on. If the other didn't do a good enough job, he'd keep telling him to go back. "If you need to talk through something just to accomplish this, I'll do what I can. I hope you understand that's not much."
~~~~~
Wess honestly didn't know if he was going to be okay, which he indicated with downcast eyes and a shrug of his shoulders. He had been sure before that he wasn't, but then there was Bern, which had made him think he was going to be okay. But now he was feeling the physical desire for Glass Thoughts, and the realization that this wasn't going to be as easy as finding a friend who would... well, he didn't know what he had expected from Bern. He wasn't sure what to think anymore. He'd thought it would be so small and inconsequential, and now it was proving to be exactly the opposite, and he really, honestly didn't know if things were going to be okay. And what if he was ruining his whole relationship with Bern in doing this? Coming to him for help? He didn't really have anyone else, except his mother, who needed to stay where she was and keep with her job so she could continue living in that house. But maybe he shouldn't have come to Bern at all, just... let him be, and let himself waste away to absolutely nothing in the meantime, which he was thinking he deserved, now. He was a shitty friend, wasn't he?
Wess hadn't yet realized that he'd let slip the fact that he was physically female. His mind was preoccupied with a whole mess of more pressing matters, and he wasn't insecure about his gender. He had no problem with it, really, unless it drove someone away; which it hadn't, yet. He hadn't had the chance to actually drive anyone away yet. It helped that Bern wasn't drawing attention to that fact, either.
"Yes, I... okay." He agreed, and rubbed at his face, clearly stressed. "Okay. Thank you." He knew Bern wasn't going to be able to do much, but he'd been expecting... he wasn't really sure what, but the idea that this was going to take a lot more than he had originally thought was really, really scaring him. "You don't... you don't need to stay, you don't need to do anything. Obviously. I just... I was scared." Well, he was still scared. He was terrified. But he was less shocked, now, and he could handle it probably. Wess stood there for a moment then, unsure what else to do, and then turned to go back into the shower he'd been using.
~~~~~
In hindsight, Bern didn't think he'd be particularly happy if Wess hadn't come to him. Seeing the state he was in now, he wished he had been able to do something earlier. Still, he wasn't sure what it would have been, or if it would have been any different had he intervened earlier. This thing clearly had a very physical hold on Wess, and if the mental torture wasn't going to work, it was going to practically lead his feet to the next drink. Bern knew this. Perhaps it was the right time to tell Wess about it. Maybe when he was done showering, and really getting himself clean... He'd stay as long as he could to reassure him, until he had to go down the hall to put the clothes in the dryer. And maybe then, he considered, he'd tell his story. If nothing else, it might distract him for a while.
Now seeing that the other was starting to calm down a bit, and finally turned to return to the shower, Bern felt relieved, though he did address the other's final point. "I'll stay as long and as much as I am able." If that didn't reassure him, he didn't know what would. In some ways he wished he had more experience with Glass Thoughts himself; perhaps he'd know more about how to handle them. Though the effects he'd already seen were disturbing. To take someone as composed and intelligent and... delightful as Wess and reduce him to this! And it was supposedly "only Tranquility". Why did he have to pick one that was so addictive in the first place? Was he testing his will or something? No matter, he'd make sure Wess talked to him about everything. Since he'd come to him, it was a different situation than before, when he'd demanded that he explain himself, he wasn't expecting the other to be particularly descriptive or thorough. But now that he was here, in dire need of his help, Bern was going to learn everything, whether Wess liked it or not.
It did trouble him, however, that he wasn't going to be able to keep an eye on Bern indefinitely for however long it would take to kick this, or at least to keep Wess from relapsing and reversing any progress they might have made. He couldn't take Wess with him where he was going. And only for that reason, he doubted that he was the right person to come to. All the more reason for Bern to be especially aggressive about taking on this addiction.
When Wess had spent a while there in the shower, Bern decided he'd hurry down to the laundry room; the clothes should have been cleaned by now. He'd put them in the dryer and come right back.
~~~~~
Wess was comforted by those words, and found it easier, this time, to stay in the shower and clean himself up. He moved slowly, his will dwindling every so often, but he was still moving. And it did feel good, the clean water and soap on his skin... it was refreshing, and warm, and it was something that wasn't Glass Thoughts and his filthy room.
Come to think of it, his dad was still in there... He wondered if the man was out getting more now, or wondering where he was. Was he even thinking about where Wess was? It was likely that he was on a high again, and completely checked out on the cot he used for a bed... Wess hadn't even removed the blankets after Bern had left, he hadn't had the chance...
Wess actually stayed in the shower until the dryer was finished and he could put on clean clothes again, and he honestly felt better than he had before. While he was still craving Glass Thoughts, and scared because of it, it no longer felt so normal to just pick up a bottle and end his unhappiness. He felt refreshed, to some extent, and like he could stay away from the stuff more easily this time. The last time, he hoped... He wanted to be done with this, to stop disappointing Bern with how he was acting and start being better, but he also knew that it wasn't going to be easy, and he dreaded that. He was going to end up in a darker place than where he was now, probably... and maybe it was that that scared him the most. He didn't really trust himself to not just turn back to Tranquility again. It was the easy thing to do, and he'd done it before.
~~~~~
Bern did come straight back after he'd put the clothes in the dryer, but he was glad to see that Wess was still in the shower. Maybe then, he could really get all that dirt and grime washed off him for good. Surely that had to feel good to get a shower and clean himself up well. Maybe not as good as Tranquility, but if he could learn all over again to experience the positive in the world without the help of the Glass Thoughts, then, matters of addiction aside, he could really get started on recovery.
Bern could tell this was hard for Wess already. He'd come to him in a time of hardship. He had no idea how long he'd been sober, but that was going to be one of the first things he'd ask him. When his clothes were dry, he ran to get them, and folded them up carefully, placing the binder on top. Yes, he knew what it was. Yes, he knew he'd need to put it on first. But he hadn't said anything so far. Though it was strange and unfamiliar to him, he really couldn't make a big deal out of it right now even if he wanted to. He really didn't want to upset Wess in this kind of state, and besides, this gave him more time to really think about how he ought to react to it, or discuss it... or whatever the case might have been.
Wess had no reason to trust himself, yet. They were going to work with this. As soon as Wess decided he was ready to leave the shower, he'd give him his clothes and let him dry and dress himself. Then it would be time to make some progress with this. Though he had to admit, the progress he'd made simply by washing up instead of drinking was probably more than Wess would have been able to manage on his own, so it was something.
~~~~~
Wess took the clothes from inside the shower, and his eyes widened when he saw the binder laying on top of the pile. Oh... He hadn't thought about Bern seeing that, but obviously he had, now. And he'd been wearing the towel in a way that wasn't exactly normal for a male, too, which meant he knew. But... he wasn't saying anything, so that had to be good, right? He didn't think it mattered, at least not enough to discuss it immediately, or drive him so quickly away. That was something.
And then the thoughts of that were crowded out as Wess dried and clothed himself, replaced instead by the now ever-present need for Glass Thoughts and the fear that was still bringing. Come to think of it, this was Leckleston's... it was possible that there was someone in this very dorm that made, or at least could make Tranquility.
Shaking his head in attempt to shut that thought out, Wess stepped out of the shower to find Bern again, fully clothed now. The buttons on his shirt weren't done in a few places, and it looked like he'd done them all missing the first one, and his fly was, embarrassingly, open, but he'd dressed himself. He was clean, too.
"Hello," He greeted awkwardly, unsure of what else to say. His fingers were still jerking around when they really didn't need to be, though this time he was sort of rubbing one against the other, grabbing part of his thumb or hand and squeezing and rubbing it with obvious agitation. Instead of the careless, stumbling smoothness of the night Bern had first seen him like this, and instead of his usual composed grace, he was instead jerky and frightened, uncertain of anything at all. But he was just slightly better than he'd been when he had come to Bern's door. There was a bit of hope there, which calmed him just a barely-noticeable little.
~~~~~
It was pretty clear that he'd inadvertently revealed his secret, but worrying about whether or not it bothered Bern wasn't going to do him a lot of good, was it? He would probably have to ask him outright if he really wanted to know, and that was just going to cause even more embarrassment if he did, right? But perhaps it wasn't terrible that he'd had such a concern brought to mind, because it would at least temporarily distract him from the constant thoughts about getting out of here and getting some Tranquility.
His thoughts were probably going places they shouldn't have. Either way, he had accomplished something... He'd managed to get himself clean and dressed, and the clothes were still a bit warm from the dryer, probably feeling nice on him. When he exited the shower, he'd find Bern waiting for him, leaning against the wall, his mind clearly on something else, judging by how he was looking away and didn't seem all there. But he came back to reality when the other stepped out, and a quick once over told him that he was going to need to help Wess out. He shook his head, pulling away from where he leaned against the wall to stand upright. The first thing he did was gesture downward, to try and encourage the other to realize he hadn't zipped his fly. Then he stepped closer to him, figuring he'd fix his buttons on his own...
He didn't respond to the other's greeting, didn't even really ask him. He just went ahead and reached out, doing the other's buttons with much more sure hands than Wess clearly had right now, a certain grace that he had previously surpassed, but not in this terrible state. Ironic how Tranquility did so much to help in the moment, but once that moment had passed, the subject was anything but more tranquil as a result. It was unsettling to Bern to see him like this. He wanted to do something, but he was pretty sure there was nothing he could do to get the other to calm down in that regard. However, he finished redoing his buttons, which were out of place anyway; he was missing one at the bottom, so he required him to open up his entire shirt to redo them. The way he saw it, he had this kind of authority right now. Even though he was very possibly invading the other's privacy to some extent... Well, he knew about the binder, so he knew he wouldn't be exposing anything by doing this. And he really was doing Wess a favor here. The only way he wouldn't accomplish this was if Wess was extremely adamant about forcing him away. But that probably wouldn't happen.
"Let's head back now. I think you have a lot of explaining to do." He turned around to return to his room, where the two of them would probably be spending the next few hours trying to figure all of this out.
~~~~~
Wess didn't much mind the other helping him with his shirt buttons. He was distracted, and anxious, and the help was appreciated. It also meant that Bern actually cared somewhat about him, which was comforting... He did actually feel bad about forcing this whole dilemma on the other, but he honestly didn't know what else to do, and he'd tried to give Bern the chance to turn him away as well. He was beginning to realize the size of the problem beyond just the short-term, and it was terrifying. Having Bern there gave him a small sense of comfort and hope, something he desperately needed right now.
He managed to fumble at his zipper enough that he got it up before Bern finished, and then he stood watching the other, unsure of what else to do. It was only then that he really seemed to notice how close the other was, and he pondered that for a moment... he really did feel a sense of comfort from Bern, and it was... nice. He wanted to stay there, he thought, because that was where there was warmth and less terror. But then his thoughts shifted away again, quickly, and after that Bern was leading him back to his room.
He followed him, this time with a lot less stumbling and tripping, and a lot more anxiousness. He felt a tension in his muscles that made him want to move more quickly to Bern's room, or really anywhere else, but there was a creeping heavy feeling on his mind as well, as if he'd want to sleep soon, but not quite yet.
~~~~~
It seemed that, with each passing moment, Wess was growing more cognizant of the impact of what he'd done. From that first drink, he'd kind of... condemned himself to this. What had made him do it? That was still something he was unsure about, but having heard the other talking about his father... he had a bad feeling it was a very relevant topic. He figured he would address it soon, and they would figure out how better to deal with this. Right now, Bern knew that he couldn't reject the other; it might very well be dooming him to a life like those other Glass Thinkers. And he was way too smart and promising for that sort of future. So, as awkward as it felt, he knew the other's future was kind of counting on him. And how well he handled this situation. A heavy weight on his shoulders, no doubt. Like he needed this, beyond school and his work... but the importance was just too high to him to dismiss it.
He arrived at his room and led the other in, closing the door behind them. There was his bed, lofted about halfway so he could store things underneath, and a desk in the room with a chair that was currently separated from it, sitting against the wall. Other than a closet, there wasn't much else in the small dorm room that Bern had. Not even an attached bathroom like Wess had. Bern sat down on his bed, and Wess would probably know that he was welcome to take the chair. Or sit on the bed with him, if it was more comfortable with him. Upon being situated, Bern would look toward him, addressing him plainly.
"...Now, let's discuss this. Please tell me, from the beginning... why you decided to try Tranquility in the first place."
~~~~~
Wess chose to sit on the bed with Bern, preferring the comfort than the seat and the proximity to Bern would doubtless provide. Usually he might have taken the chair, wanting to give Bern his space, but at the moment he was agitated and stressed and desperate for the bit of warmth he felt from the other.
He took a long time to respond to Bern's question, because he hadn't really thought about what had started all of this, and it took him a while to sift through his memories to find that night and the moment Bern wanted. And even then, he wasn't quite sure how to word it at first...
"It was... well, my father came here, and then we went out, and he offered me some and I took it." He frowned. That didn't really answer Bern's question, he guessed... Perhaps he should try a different starting point. "My father left my mother and myself when I was four, when I was Wendy. I didn't know why, I still don't, and he came back last night and at first I was mad. I've been mad for a long time at him. He... he convinced me he was okay, and I guess that's how he got me to go out to a bar with him, as a... as a son." He stopped there for a moment, taking some time to try to arrange his thoughts again. It was proving difficult. "He didn't really make me try anything, but I guess I did anyways, and then we... I don't really remember, that's what happened though. That's some of it." Wess drew in a breath, almost as shaky as his hands were. "I kind of got lost for a while. I don't know. I might have gotten lost when he convinced me, because I've been mad at him for... for a long time."
He wasn't really sure how to put that one into words properly, the getting lost, but that was the closest he could think it felt like. He'd always been angry with his father, and he had always thought that that wasn't something that would ever change. But then it had. His dad had reminded him that his only reason for hating him was that the man had left his mother and son, and that he had no idea what had actually transpired. He'd lost that bit of himself when his dad convinced him he wasn't all that bad, and he felt like that had lent itself to him actually picking up the bottle of Tranquility. He felt lost now, too, like the stability of his life had just gone out the window. He'd messed everything up so badly, so fucking badly...
~~~~~
Bern was listening quietly. Perhaps too quietly, as the other might feel that he was being ignored, but honestly, Bern was listening and thinking about the whole situation. First off, he'd made the point that his father was definitely the cause of this. He'd directly made him try it, and that was the original mistake. And now look at him. He sighed, almost imperceptibly, at the other admitting to that. He also noticed the other refer to himself as Wendy, formally admitting what Bern had already figured out... and didn't seem to care about all that much. But hearing about all this was helping him piece the entire story together. He listened to everything he said, and didn't say anything for a long while. He was making connections in his mind. Even though he wasn't particularly good with emotions, it didn't mean he couldn't thoroughly understand this story, and how it all worked out.
"I'm sure it's clear to you now. The source of the problem was your father, and he is a miserable human being for projecting his problems onto you." That was the way he saw it. This man was an addict himself, and he'd come back, not to convince Wess that he was an okay guy, but to wrap him up in the same mess. If anything, his father hated him. And probably was just looking for a place to crash, not thinking about the fact that Wess wouldn't be able to pay his bills if he was constantly indulging himself in Glass Thoughts, and then neither of them would have a place to live. How many times had he done this to people who weren't his family? Girlfriends, perhaps? It was sickening to think about.
"...Your father." Bern murmured, after another long pause. "Where is he now?"
~~~~~
Wess hadn't really thought about his father being the root of the problem. More than anything he blamed himself, over and over, every time he took up another bottle of Tranquility. He knew his dad wasn't really helping, with continuously supplying him with the stuff, but he hadn't really made that connection... Now, though, it seemed that Bern was probably right to some degree.
He took another long moment to respond, considering this, and when he felt another pang of desire for the stuff he almost wanted to vomit. He'd let all of this happen, and now he had to deal with the consequences, and his fucking dad was still in that fucking room, probably not even considering where he'd gone, and... ugh. Everything was so messed up, and none of it seemed fair.
"He's in my room, I think." Wess finally responded, rubbing again at his face and knocking has glasses askew. Even if it was his dad's fault, he decided, it was still his fault. He'd still let this happen, let him in, and god he really just wanted to stop dealing with all of this shit right now. He wanted to make all of this stop, and go back to normal, and have it not have ever happened. Just... go to sleep, and wake up with all of it gone. But he knew that it wasn't going to happen, and he also knew that the closest he would get to that was another bottle of Tranquility. He could just make it go away...
~~~~~
The way Bern saw it, his father was the start of the problem. He was also the second most influential factor in the problem. And therefore, his father was going to have to go. Getting that influence out of Wess's life was going to help immensely. He couldn't just let him go back to his own home if his father was just going to be there to offer him another bottle of Tranquility and ruin any progress they might have made. He couldn't expect Wess to resist the temptation in that sort of state, and he wasn't going to. He was going to do everything in his power to remove that influence. And he hoped it went smoothly, because if it didn't... well, so to say, Bern was not above violence, especially not after knowing what he knew.
Subsequently, he stood up, recognizing the other's statement with a nod, and moved to his desk. He pulled his drawer open, removing something somewhat large from it, tucking it into his belt... He had a gun. He was keeping a gun in his room! He could be expelled for that! What the hell was going on!? Surely he wasn't going to kill his father... right? He didn't seem bothered at all by what he'd just done, but he did move to grab his own coat. It was too cold to walk that far, for him at least, without a coat, and he didn't exactly want that weapon visible, either... He didn't have anything he could offer Wess to wear as a jacket, so he pulled an extra blanket from the foot of the bed and tossed it to Wess. "That should keep you a little warm..." And still no mention of the weapon he'd just taken with him!
Either way it was, Wess would probably be more than a bit startled by seeing the weapon at all. Though Bern did finally turn and face him as he picked up his keys from the desk, answering any questions that might have been posed. "...It's for self-defense. Don't worry." Yes, this was true. He was going to be dealing with a thinker, and God knows what he might do if he was inspired to attack Bern. But clearly he needed to take care of this problem, no matter what.
~~~~~
Wess was more than a bit taken aback by the weapon. Despite his current state and the general slipping of his values, violence still appalled him, and a gun universally meant violence. And why would Bern endanger himself by keeping a weapon? Was he crazy, or just paranoid? Wess would have liked to think that he knew Bern well enough to know at this point, but he didn't. He'd spent a three parts of a day with him aside from this interaction, and that wasn't enough to know anyone... which was definitely a scary thought, given the amount of trust he was placing in him. He'd practically handed Bern his life.
But he had already given Bern his life, and he didn't have much of an option now but to follow his lead. And it was somewhat comforting to hear that the other kept the gun for safety reasons, and knew that it was strange to have one at all, because that ruled out quite a few far more unpleasant suspicions. So he wrapped the blanket around himself without question (despite how strange that would look, he didn't particularly care), and stood to follow Bern out.
He could only assume they were going to confront his father, which unsettled Wess quite a bit. He'd grown used to the way things were (which was probably part of the problem), and it would be a lot of change to just kick his dad out of his room... He did know that his father was a problem, though. He understood, to some degree, that it would be better to have him gone than let him stay there. It was definitely a good thing Bern was helping him out, then, because there was no way he was capable of kicking the man out himself.
~~~~~
Bern headed out without another moment's notice. He knew exactly what needed to be taken care of at this moment, and that was his father. Once he was out of the way, he could start working on the next step of the problem, which was the real threat. However, removing this strong influence was going to be the first important thing to take care of, doubtless. Then, he had plans for the next steps. But this was what he had to deal with first. This annoyance that was Wess's horrid father. Now, clearly he'd wanted Wess to come with him, but he didn't want him to get involved with this, really. That could cause some real problems. He needed to get this man out, and if, for some reason, Wess got sentimental, it might not work as well. Still, it felt like he needed to be present to see this happen, to realize how important it was.
And the truth really was that he had put his life in Bern's hands. He had to follow him now, do what he said, if he wanted to change this. Otherwise he was just going to have to be content going back to his old ways and drowning himself in Tranquility until he was no more. But clearly that wasn't what Bern wanted. And it wasn't really what Wess wanted either, was it? The whole point was that they were going to change this, one way or another.
"...When was the last time you drank any?" Bern idly asked as they went on their way back to the tavern. He had to keep the other engaged; try to keep his thoughts under control for now.
~~~~~
Wess felt a growing sense of anxiety as they moved closer to the tavern, now worrying about how all of this was going to happen. Was anyone going to get hurt? Shot? His father was taller than Wess was, which meant he was much taller than Bern. If he caught Bern off-guard, he could seriously injure him, and if he didn't, Wess's dad was going to a fate much worse than that. He hoped he would be high and complacent, that he wouldn't care enough to stick around any longer under the influence of Tranquility, for the sake of them both and, yes, his own personal feelings towards violence. But he continued to fret.
Bern's question was a helpful distraction, even if Wess didn't realize that that was what he was doing. It got him off those worries, and thinking instead about when that could have been... He wasn't really sure what time of day it was, only that it had to be somewhere in the afternoon, and he wasn't sure how long his last high had lasted... It had started during the night, he remembered, but that was all. Last night? He could remember being on a low during the early morning of this day, when the sky was still dark, but he couldn't be sure of anything else.
"It was... I was on a low this morning, early." He answered after a long while, frowning. "And until now. I don't know what the last time I drank was... It happened at night. I don't know how long it lasted." Where Wess's sentences had been brief when he had first met Bern, and long and elegant when he'd grown comfortable with him, now they were choppy and oddly said. The words fell on the wrong beats, with odd pauses between them that didn't make sense, and he stopped and started them in odd places. It hadn't been as bad earlier, but now he was growing worse, as was his desire for more Tranquility... which his room was full of. Hopefully he would be distracted enough by his father that he wouldn't try to take any more.
~~~~~
Things really could go wrong, right? If Bern had such a weapon on him that could kill his father immediately, anything really could happen. But if he really was only carrying it in self defense, then it was unlikely... right? But he needed to get his father out of there, and get all the Tranquility out of there. Bern could assume that it was his father's drug of choice, too, and that would resound more when he had a chance to see just how much of the shit was in Wess's room. Anyway, he was the facilitator. The provider. The reason Wess had access to the shit in the first place. That would end now.
He listened to the other's response with narrowed eyes, as he was considering how he might need to handle this whole situation himself. Sure, he'd gone off without a second's notice, but he had the walk there, and he had some thinking to do about how to approach the situation on the way. He shifted his hand back to confirm that his butterfly was still in his pocket... yes, he felt it there. So he had more than one weapon on him if he need be. His face fell, relaxing into a frown as he noted the other's harsh, unbalanced manner of speaking. That stuff had wrecked him, and only in the matter of a few weeks.
At last, he was standing in front of Wess's door. He still hadn't decided whether he ought to make Wess leave or not. He was thinking he'd be better off having him there for now. It would reinforce that this was something the other needed done, too. That his son (daughter? He wasn't sure what his father even knew about Wess... or if he knew him as Wendy) was demanding that he leave, too. He pushed the door open, completely on edge, from his fingertips down to his toes, every muscle felt coiled like a spring, ready to react.
~~~~~
Wess's father was laying, as Wess had predicted before, on the cot Bern had used when he'd slept over. He looked worse that Wess did; his clothes were disgusting and stained, though they looked as if they'd once been fairly decent. He was tall, as Wess was, but thin and gaunt from allowing himself to waste away on Tranquility, and his eyes were slightly more pale than Wess's own. He wasn't actually asleep, but rather staring at the ceiling with an easy grin, clearly lost in some strange world of thought.
The room was a mess, too. There were little glass bottles littering the floor and every available surface, most of them empty, but a few full of a blue-tinted liquid. Wess's bed, which had been neat and prim before, was now a complete mess. A couple of his blankets were even wadded up on the floor, and it was clear he'd just been laying on top of it. Some of his paintings had fallen off the walls, and a few of those had been stained and ruined by what was either Tranquility, or some sort of food. Hopefully. The light Wess had in his room wasn't on, either, and the single window's light gave the room a dim, grimy feeling.
Wess hung beck behind Bern, his hands rubbing and shaking still. He was anxious, and terrified of the current situation. He knew there was Tranquility in there and he knew he wanted it, he felt like he needed it... and his dad was about to be thrown out, what would that confrontation bring? Right now he was just laying there, and hadn't even reacted to the two being there... clearly, he was high. Would he just leave, without a fight? Could he?
~~~~~
This whole situation was disgusting. That was all Bern could possibly think about it. The sooner it was taken care of, the better. This was absolutely horrid. At least it seemed like the man was under the influence right now. Bern was able to relax a bit, knowing that his reactions were still going to be faster than the man's, no matter what ended up happening here. He stepped inside, wrinkling his brow and nose at the smell of the other man. As if Wess hadn't been bad enough...
"Hello," he calmly stated to the man laying in the bed, totally zoned out. "...I understand that we've only just met, but I am here to escort you out of this room and out of this boy's life." He knew he'd chosen some harsh words, but it was the truth, and the truth hurt. "You are to leave immediately. Take your Glass Thoughts with you." He was actually trying this the gentle way first. This could definitely go a lot worse than it already amounted to. Seeing this miserable place just made Bern want to change the situation more and more. He knew it wasn't going to be easy. But the addiction surely couldn't last forever! And with Wess living at a bar, it would make things even more difficult. If he got desperate enough, he could steal the Glass Thoughts to satiate himself. Bern just hoped that thought wouldn't ever cross his mind. This was something that had to be reversed permanently. That much he was certain of.
"Don't waste time. Get up and get out." Bern barked, his patience dwindling as the thinker still lay there longer than Bern wanted him to.
~~~~~
Wess pressed himself against the wall across the hall, trying hard not to just go in and pick up a bottle. It would be so easy, and it would feel so nice... But Bern was in there trying to make all of this stop for him, and he didn't want to go back to Tranquility, and he didn't want to mess up what Bern was doing.
Wess's dad took a long moment to do it, but finally he sat up to get a better look at the boy in front of him. His words took some time to work their way through the haze of his mind, and then he bobbed his head slowly and ambiguously.
"Yeah I see." He mumbled, and started rubbing slowly at a corner of his dirty shirt. "I see, I see." The man was used to being cast out of places, and the situation didn't seem very real right now, anyways. He didn't see it as a concrete thing that was happening, but rather something far away and distant, something that didn't matter all that much. Something he could probably just do later, too. "I'm gonna stay here for a little bit, that cool? Gotta sleep, gotta..." he trailed off, leaving that hanging, and picked up a still-full bottle off the cot. After taking a moment to examine it, he pocketed the thing and slowly returned his gaze to Bern. "I'm gonna stay here for a little bit." He repeated. There was no challenge to his tone, but rather a drifting calm, as if he thoroughly believed that it didn't matter how long he stayed.
~~~~~
Bern was not going to have this. He didn't have patience for the other to lay there and moan. So he was going to be a lot more indignant this next time. He wasn't thinking that threatening him with a weapon would move things along any faster. So he had an idea, but he wouldn't be able to let Wess see. Interestingly, the other didn't seem to doubt Bern's authority, as most people who saw him probably would. They'd probably think there was no point in listening to a kid, which Bern certainly seemed to be, not at all an adult, not yet. Well. At least he was taking some of the Glass Thoughts with him. He'd rather send him out with all of the bottles, but that was better than nothing.
"Yes, you do see, and you're going to get up right now. It's not cool. You will get up immediately, and if you do not, there will be consequences. I will give you fifteen seconds. If you are not up within fifteen seconds, then you will regret it." And with that, he started to count. He wasn't kidding, either. If the other didn't get up in that amount of time, he was going to walk over, close the door, and do something he probably shouldn't do. Not in front of Wess, for sure, for multiple reasons. But hopefully this would do what he needed it to do.
"1... 2... 3..." He wasn't joking here. But he was giving the other plenty of time to react, realizing that it would take some time anyway.
~~~~~
It did take Wess's father some time to react. He sort of stared blankly at Bern, at first, not seeming to understand what was going on. Why was he counting at him? And then his mind processed the rest of what was going on, and he bobbed his head for a few seconds before pushing himself up to stand. He looked sort of like he was a part of the room, a part of all of this mess, rather than a real human being, and it took him until Bern had counted all the way to ten to start moving.
He didn't go anywhere, though. Instead, he reached down and grabbed a couple of bottles of Tranquility, one of which wasn't actually full, and choked the full one down before looking back up at Bern. Was he still standing there? Oh, right, he wanted something from him... He looked down at the bottles he'd picked up, and cast a slow glance around the room.
"'S mostly gone." he mumbled, and picked up another bottle of Tranquility. Well... if this kid wanted something, it was probably one of these, right? He held the bottle out to Bern, still searching the room for more. "'S mostly what I got." he told him with a shrug, his eyes still drifting about the room, though now it seemed less from searching, and more from having little else to focus on.
Hearing mostly silence in the room, now, Wess dared to take a step forward to get a better view of what was happening. His father wasn't fighting back, which he had expected... that was good. Bern didn't seem to have his gun out yet, either. But now his dad was... offering Bern some? What the hell?! Something turned in his stomach, and he wasn't sure if that was fear for his father, fear for Tranquility, or fear for Bern himself.
~~~~~
Bern was sort of glad that Wess was safely out in the hall. He'd really dealt with this shit, for three weeks? Laying in bed here with this useless piece of dreck? That was what had happened, wasn't it? His stomach turned at the thought. What a waste of time and life. He'd rather do something useful with himself, even if he was too busy to be completely comfortable. Then again, he didn't feel like his life was worthwhile unless he was working on something, using his mind for something!
Now that the other finally got up, Bern stopped counting. But he did, however, insistently gesture towards the door. "There, the difficult part is complete. Now, take your poison, and leave."
And now the other was mumbling about there still being some there. Bern scanned the room himself, finding a couple of bottles that the other hadn't noticed. The guy probably had so much stashed around here, too. He had a feeling he'd have to explore every damn nook and cranny of this place to find where he'd put them all. Either way, he picked up a few that were near him that still had something in them.
When the man hold out a bottle to him, however, Bern just gave him a terribly cold look in return. "Keep it. In fact, take every bottle of it in this room with you. I don't care for it." He thrust the couple of bottles in his hands into the other's, at least what he could reasonably hold, and stuffed two more that he certainly couldn't in the coat he'd left laying on the floor beside the bed, which was clearly his.
"...Forget what I said. Just take what you have, and leave," he insisted, holding out the coat for him to take. The sooner he left, the better. Bern would clean this mess up.
~~~~~
The man gave Bern a confused look, though he still seemed distant. He couldn't understand why he didn't want any of the bottles. That was what he had come for, right? But now it seemed like he wanted him to leave... so he could take what was left? Why was he giving him some back?
Mumbling incoherently to himself, he took the coat and wrapped his arms around it, then cast Bern another frown before stumbling out of the room. He stopped when he saw Wess, though.
"You left." He commented, and then rustled his coat around for a second to free a hand, which he used to hold a bottle of Tranquility out to Wess. "I gotta go, y'can have that." Wess stared down at the bottle for a long moment, then, saying nothing. His hands rubbed harder at each other, and he looked up and away from the bottles, trying to find Bern. He knew he shouldn't take it, but he also really wanted to... but what if it made Bern stop helping him? He knew there was still plenty of the stuff in the room, he wouldn't stop... he wouldn't ever stop. But god, did he want it.
Hands shaking hard, now, Wess started reaching for the bottle. Then he stopped, and waved his hands before his father's in a refusing gesture, shutting his eyes against it. "No, just... go." He muttered, hoping he'd leave before he took any of them. It probably seemed the strong thing to do, but to him it felt weak. He couldn't really pin down why, exactly, but he felt like he was just running away from it again. Besides, he knew he wasn't exactly in the hardest part of a withdrawal yet. That would come later... he'd approached it before. It wouldn't really start for a few hours yet, if he was remembering properly.
~~~~~
Bern just wanted the man to leave with all the shit he'd brought into this place, that was all. No one said that had to make sense to a thinker, he supposed. Why would he have ever expected the other to make any semblance of sense when he was this high? He'd just drank another whole bottle, too! Ridiculous.
Anyway, Bern was watching this whole exchange, even if Wess didn't think he was. He had a feeling this might happen when the other saw his son outside. And as the man offered him one of the bottles, Bern felt himself holding his breath. What happened here would be important, though he would intervene if he had to. He just watched for now, thankful as the other refused the bottle. It was a big first step for him, to actually say no when it was right in front of him, and being offered to him. By his own father, at that. As the man stumbled on down the hall, Bern stepped out and looked after him.
"He's enabling you," Bern simply murmured. "He started this, and he had to be removed." He was only fortunate that it didn't have to involve any violence. "However, he is not your worst enemy, though he is your second worst. You are your own worst enemy... and you've already proven that you know." He turned back to the room. The next step was cleaning up in here, and finding out if there was any more shit hidden in this room. He had a feeling there was plenty, so he saw a lot of work ahead of him. Good thing he didn't have anything serious to handle today...
He got started, pulling the sheets off the beds. Those were going to need to be washed, too, no doubt. The whole room still stunk terribly, and he was content with leaving the door open. He was already down on his hands and knees, getting started searching ever corner of the room for hidden bottles.
~~~~~
Wess was aware that he needed to get rid of his father, in order to progress in this. He knew he needed him to be gone, as well as all the bottles of Tranquility still left in his room, and probably a whole mess of other things in the next few days. Maybe more... how long would this last? How much time would he spend struggling with this?
Getting his father out of his life was no doubt a good step to take, but it also felt like he was losing something important. Sure, he'd spent most of his life hating the man, but he was also Wess's father. He was family, though he was also manipulative and disgusting, and even if he'd been absent most of Wess's life, he'd still sort of been there. A fixture of his personality, in a way. And while he did logically know that his dad was a part of the problem, it still felt distant, and abstract.
It wasn't going to be nearly as hard letting the man go as it was his addiction, though. Wess could tell that now, even looking into the room Bern was now cleaning up. He wanted to go in and help, and he was certainly tempted to, but he knew the temptation to pick up a bottle of Tranquility once he got in there was going to be a whole lot worse. The smart decision would to be to remain where he was until Bern had finished picking up the bottles he could find.
"I'll help," Wess offered from the hall, speaking up of his own accord for the first time since he'd come to Bern's door maybe an hour or so ago, "I should... probably wait though, I don't want to... I would want more again, a lot, and I shouldn't."
~~~~~
Bern moved back from where he'd been crouching underneath Wess's bed, going through everything he could find to make sure there weren't any more bottles of Tranquility stashed there. Though he'd moved back to look at him, and speak to him. The other clearly needed Bern to interact with him in some way, if even to distract him from the problem.
"You don't have him here to hand you a bottle, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't work hard to keep yourself from finding one." His voice was serious, but he didn't sound the way he had been talking to his father at all. "I know that you want to help. But for now, it is probably best that you stay away from even the sight of it. Seeing as you live in a tavern where it is sold, I think... it might be best that you stay elsewhere for a while. But for now, I'm going to get all these bottles out of here. And then, you can come help clean." Yes, he thought that would be the best option... making sure that he found all the bottles and disposed of them, or gave them to the tavern owner, at least what he found that Wess's father hadn't taken. "...Though... I have to say, I'm impressed that you refused. I really am. That took a lot of willpower." A slight smile crossed his face, and he disappeared underneath the bed again, wondering what he'd end up finding.
Whether he found any bottles or not, and he probably would, he made sure to dig deep and go through everything. Thankfully the room was small, and he'd be able to get through all the contents in an hour, maybe less. Though Wess might be a bit uncomfortable about Bern going through each and every thing he owned, or at least that he had here, he would probably know that, for one thing, Bern wasn't looking through it for anything besides bottles. And for another, he wasn't trying to intrude on his privacy. This had to happen...
~~~~~
Wess remained in the hall while Bern went through his room, eventually sinking down to sit on the floor, leaned up against the wall. He wasn't really certain how he felt about Bern going through his things, but he didn't have much to hide, and he knew he was doing it for a good reason. The smile and compliment he'd given Wess warmed him some, too, and he was really, truly grateful Bern was there. The idea of him staying with Bern, too, was a comforting one... It would help to be in a new environment, one that hadn't really been soiled, in his mind, with so much drinking of Tranquility.
As time went on, he started feeling a lot more anxious, and there were a few moments where he was strongly tempted to go into the room to search out a few bottles of his own. He even stood, and spent some time pacing, ever so often asking Bern if he could come in yet. If it was safe. If he couldn't have a bottle of Tranquility, he wanted to be doing something, distracting himself, busying himself. He was antsy, and he wanted to escape those thoughts of desire as well.
The only things in Wess's room, really, were his drawings, art supplies, and some other regular possessions. Thing one would expect him to have. He did also have a few journals he kept in his dresser, some from when he was young and struggling with his gender and puberty-related nonsense, and more that were recent, and contained mostly idle sketches and snatches of songs. Even poems, in a few cases... Bern probably wouldn't find it necessary to go through these, as hiding bottles in them would be difficult. But if he did, he might chance upon a few of his romantic dwellings...
~~~~~
Getting everything cleaned up and straight would surely help. Not having the influence of the changes that Tranquility had made in his life already, that was to say. They would have to clean this place up completely, and that would take a while. But until then, Bern figured he could let Wess stay with him. For a while, at least. It wasn't like he hadn't already done him a favor once; this would just give him an opportunity to repay it. All of this, really. Wess hadn't known that this would happen to him, and if he hadn't made friends with Bern... well, his whole life could have ended up being wasted away...
Bern considered the thought of rearranging everything in there, too. Well, it would be Wess's decision in the end, but if he rearranged the furniture, the paintings on the wall... repositioning a lot of things, surely that would also help the other get the sense that this was not the same place he'd fallen under the influence of Tranquility in. Though that was definitely something they would have to take care of, later. Right now, they would still have time to go through everything, and probably straighten the place up, but little else.
Bern spent a good amount of time searching through every nook and cranny of Wess's room, but there were no bottles hidden in any creative places. He didn't bother rifling through his journals, however. He wasn't looking for information; he was looking for bottles. And all said and done, there were plenty of empty ones littered about. A few of them still had some of the drink left in them, a small amount, but not enough to get any use out of.
Some time later, he'd gone through everything, and while he'd found a multitude of useless bottles, there weren't any hidden ones. "...There. Let's take these out, then we can set to cleaning this place up." They were almost done getting his room back to normal... This would be so much better for both of them when they were all done. At least then, Wess could start getting back to reality. "Would you rather work on cleaning up after we get rid of these bottles, or head back to my place?" He realized that it might be difficult for Wess to spend a long period of time here after what had happened in this very room.
~~~~~
Suddenly faced with fact that those bottles were going to have to be removed, Wess wasn't sure what to do. He didn't trust himself alone with all of those bottles, and he didn't trust himself with any in his arms, and there were probably more than Bern could carry himself. Even if there wasn't much in many of them, there were a few that were still full. They were too small to simply pile on one another, he'd probably have to take somewhere around ten at a time, at most. They could use the bag he had for the things he needed for classes, though...
Wess wasn't really sure what he wanted to do, but he knew that he was eager to do something. Cleaning the place up would surely occupy him, but the place itself was disturbing... Still, it would probably be good to get something done before he really started to feel the effects of withdrawal.
"Let's... use that bag, there," he tried to gesture in the direction of where it was, leaning against his little desk by the far wall, but he was still out in the hall, and this proved ineffective. "I'll help you clean, I think, I want to just... I want to do something, and that's something, is that okay?" The words seemed forced and urgent, as if he was eager to just talk. To occupy himself in any way at all. His eyes were darting about, though, making it clear he was having trouble really focusing on one thing in his environment at a time.
~~~~~
Bern pushed all the empty (or mostly empty) bottles together, then picked out the ones that still had a little something in the bottom. Those were his to deal with; he wasn't giving any of those to Wess, obviously! Though the other suggesting to use the bag was a good plan. He didn't have anything with him, clearly, that would support that many bottles. So it was either do it that way, or take them all out a few at a time. He liked the bag idea a whole lot better.
He grabbed the bag that he figured Wess was gesturing toward... At least, it was the only bag in the area the other had gestured to. He noticed that he was still afraid to come into the room, but... figured that was fine. As long as he wasn't feeling comfortable around the few half-drank bottles of Tranquility there. Bern started to gather up the bottles and started piling them into the bag. Before long, he had put all of the empty bottles in, and hoisted it up onto his shoulder.
The last few bottles, only three, he was able to gather up in his hands. He would dispose of those personally, for sure. When the other seemed to be pretty adamant about helping out, he figured that was okay. "Fine with me. We'll dispose of these, and get started on that when we get back." He looked forward to getting this place cleaned up. It was a dump right now. Well, less so now that there weren't bottles littered everywhere. First things first, he'd have Wess take the sheets to be washed. But for now, it was time to take care of these bottles. He figured he'd take them out back to the dumpster behind the tavern.
~~~~~
Wess was glad that the other was taking the bottles with him, rather than making him carry any. He really, really didn't want to fuck all of this up so quickly... if Bern saw him take anything, Wess had little doubt he'd leave, convinced Wess wasn't really prepared to try.
While Bern did that, Wess paced in the hallway, deciding to simply wait for him there. He stopped messing with his own hands and started rubbing and tugging at the blanket Bern had given him to ward off the cold instead, anxious for the other to return. He tried to occupy his mind with harmless thoughts, attempting to interest himself in his paintings or his music, even The Princess Bride, but it seemed none of the things that would normally have entertained him for hours were even capable of driving away thoughts of his desire for more of the stuff, for losing himself, and for getting Bern back the hell up there.
After a while he wandered into his own room again, partially driven by the desire to sit on something that wasn't the floor, partially by the desire to do something else, and partially because, yes, he was craving Glass Thoughts to a huge degree and he could feel a familiar nausea creeping up on him. He knew this meant the symptoms of withdrawal were about to hit him, and some part of him wanted to end that before it even began, even if it meant more Tranquility. Which it did.
He sat on his bed, still stripped of it's sheets, and glanced around the room anxiously for a moment before he got up again and started wandering around the small space. He knew there weren't any bottles left, and he knew he shouldn't have any anyways, but he wanted to look anyways, and he wanted to move as well.
~~~~~
Perhaps it was best that the other didn't even bother following Bern, even though it put him in a vulnerable position. While the other was gone, however, for a matter of minutes... the other would really have to start to find a way to handle the desire, when he didn't have anyone else around. Clearly the other's presence did something for him, if all these dangerous feelings hit whenever he was away. Though, like before, in the shower, it was only going to be a matter of minutes before Bern returned to him.
While the other suffered from his withdrawal to an even greater degree than before, Bern had gone out to the back, and dumped all the empty bottles in the dumpster. Well, now that was an empty bag. As for the few he'd carried out that still contained some of the Tranquility, he saw fit to pour it out himself, all over the ground. He didn't care; it was satisfying enough to see all the liquid pouring out, and know that it was his own doing. And with luck, there would be no more. He really didn't want to start over with all this... That was part of the reason he wanted Wess to stay with him for a few days. He'd still need to go to his classes... both of them would. So hopefully that would be enough to distract Wess from his relapses. And Bern would be able to keep a closer eye on him in the meantime. He didn't know how long it was going to take for him to stop craving it. If it would ever be the case. He hoped that wouldn't end up being true. It would not do to have the other continue to be a slave to this... vile substance.
Wess had just seen Bern go through every bit of his room. There was clearly no Tranquility there. But he still associated this place with the drug, and that simply wasn't going to work out. Bern walked back into the room, finding the other there, wandering around kind of aimlessly. "As long as you're up, how about taking those sheets... wherever it is that you wash them?"
~~~~~
Wess was relieved to have the other back again, a distraction and a change from his thoughts. And not only that; Bern was a good part of his motivation to stop all this. Really, he was all of it. Wess's life was his own to throw away, and even then it was a bit abstract to him how much damage had really been done, and how much more was to come as a result. But Bern was something he knew he really cared about, and he was another person. He was physically there, and concrete, and he wasn't just some pretty ideas. And on top of that, he was helping Wess, and that was something Wess was reluctant to go back on.
He nodded at Bern, then, gathering up the sheets which, he realized now, really were pretty gross. He probably wasn't as repulsed as the other was, but he could understand why Bern had made him shower, if he'd been as bad as these sheets.
Wess took them downstairs and into the room at the back of the kitchen, where a couple of washers and dryers were for the staff to wash the sheets and towels after guests left. Wess took longer than he would have liked, his hands still shaky and almost dropping the soap he needed, and his mind still having trouble focusing on much, but he managed. Soon, the sheets were in the machine and whirring their way to cleanliness, and Wess made his way up to the room again.
~~~~~
Doing the laundry would almost certainly give Wess something to keep his mind on. That was part of the reason Bern had wanted him to do that. It was simple enough, and that way, he wouldn't have to ask him or try to figure out where the laundry facilities were. Meanwhile, he had managed to scrounge up some cleaning supplies and was starting by washing the other's walls. They'd made such a mess of them, it was ridiculous. How had he even lived here? It was probably still going to stink for some time. Maybe leaving the window and door open for now, as they were (he'd gone ahead and opened up the window), the stench might escape... Either way, they were going to have to clean the room from top to bottom, and it was going to take a long time.
Bern took Wess's paintings down as he went, at least the ones that hadn't already fallen off the wall. Some of them had even gotten dirty, and he wasn't going to trust himself with cleaning them... that was best left to Wess; he'd probably know how to clean them. But for now, he just took all the paintings down. He was going to have to tear the room apart in the first place; he might as well move everything to give the room a new look. He wasn't sure how it would affect Wess, but he really thought that, if he was in a situation where he associated his own room with something addictive, he'd benefit from rearranging everything. It was symbolic of his new self, free of that addiction. And it wouldn't immediately remind him of the things he used to do, of course...
When Wess returned, he finished stacking the paintings he'd taken down from the wall. "What would you like to clean up? If anything?" he asked, not wasting any time; going back to washing the wall.
~~~~~
Wess really was glad to have something to do, as it seemed to keep a good deal of thoughts of Tranquility away. Rearranging the room would help, too; it would be a new environment, one he would more easily be able to avoid Glass Thoughts in. The memories and the thoughts that had occurred here would be mostly gone, and he could relax again.
"I don't really... mind." he told Bern when he'd returned form starting the sheets, "I can help with the bathroom."
While the two worked, Wess seemed a bit more calm, though he was still incredibly anxious and shaky. As time went on, though, he actually seemed to worsen; withdrawal was beginning to really set in, and he found himself struggling to continue, suddenly devoid of energy, though there was still a pressing urgency on his mind. He didn't want to move so much as make this dark feeling end, and he didn't entirely feel like he wanted to do that, but rather sink down and do nothing for a while. It seemed worthless, as he was suddenly sure he it was all entirely useless. He would just break again, right? All of this would be for nothing, and he would just wither away with Tranquility in his hands... Even if he did manage this, he would slip back again. He would fail, so why not shorten the process?
He managed to distract himself with his cleaning for periods of time, but eventually he had to stop even that, and rush into the bathroom to retch into the toilet. He was growing miserable, and while cleaning had been helping him get his mind off of things for a little while, it was probably no longer a good idea to continue.
~~~~~
Bern was working fastidiously, being a rather clean person himself. He'd never known exactly why, but he just couldn't stand filth or even disorganization. While the place was getting rearranged, it was fine. He knew it was going to end up fine. But this place had gotten genuinely disgusting. Needless to say, it was a good thing that he wasn't overly sensitive to smells, otherwise he would be having a hard time just staying in here. Now that Wess had been away from all of it for a while, perhaps he had been aware of how bad it smelled, too.
And Bern didn't really care what Wess worked on. Honestly, he didn't care if he worked on anything at all; he would have done the whole thing himself if Wess hadn't been up to the task. He knew he was suffering, he knew he had to be miserable. So he wasn't going to get himself all worked up if the other couldn't do anything... that wouldn't do. He just kept doing what he was doing and let Wess do whatever he could handle. Before long, they'd be able to put the sheets back on the beds, too... getting them washed and dried would be one big step for getting this room back in shape.
Just when Bern had thought things were really growing good, he realized that the other had run into the bathroom. Not just gone into the bathroom to clean or something, but run in there... He looked that direction curiously, and that was when he heard the other retching. Oh... He hadn't recalled this being a symptom of withdrawal... Ugh, terrible, though. Maybe it wasn't a symptom; maybe he was just overworked, or overwhelmed? Some people had sensitive stomachs especially when they were stressed and this was a situation when that could be an issue. Bern walked slowly toward the bathroom, not walking in, though. "...Are you okay?" he asked quietly, moving up next to the door of the bathroom. "Do you want me to come in?" He didn't want to make Wess uncomfortable... But if he needed the comfort, as a lot of people appreciated when they were vomiting... well, he'd offer it.
~~~~~
Wess was really, honestly miserable, and that was really all he could think while he knelt on the tile of his bathroom floor and over his (thankfully freshly cleaned) toilet. He could smell the almost bitter smell of porcelain and the acidic taste of vomit was still in his mouth, and he leaned back after maybe a minute to rest his weight on his folded legs. He felt disgusting, and exhausted, and like he really just wanted to curl up somewhere dark and safe and forget about the world again.
Something seemed to stir in Wess at Bern's offer for comfort, which he decided to call a longing for comfort. That was what it felt like...
"That would be..." he started, his voice weaker than it had been before, "yeah." It was a pretty lame response, but he wasn't really sure what to say. He just felt awful, he didn't know how to get through that to communicate those things to the outside world. He sort of felt like he wanted to just break down and beg for his mother like he might have done when he was little, but he was at least better than that. He just felt that miserable, and that much like his misery just wasn't going to go away.
~~~~~
Bern could tell how miserable Wess was, and he was genuinely beginning to feel for him. He could see that this was taking a terrible toll on him, mentally, and now certainly physically as well. Vomiting was miserable, no matter what. So when the other seemed to agree that he could come in, at least it sounded that way... he moved into the bathroom, kneeling down beside him. While he didn't usually touch him, he did lay his hand on Wess's back this time. While it might originally come as a surprise to him, it wasn't as though the gesture was uncommon in this sort of situation. It was normal for someone to comfort another who was vomiting by rubbing their back lightly. And that was basically what Bern was doing right now, as he'd notice his fingertips pressing down and moving slowly.
"...This is hard on you," he murmured softly, shaking his head. "Perhaps we should bring your sheets back, and head back to my room... what do you think?" He didn't want to do anything that Wess didn't want to do right now, especially when he was feeling ill and all that. Tonight he would stay with him; Bern would make up his bed for Wess and take his blankets down to the floor. It wouldn't feel good to sleep on the floor for a while, but he could manage. And then, there were some other things he had to keep in mind. Since today was a Saturday, they would have one more day, Sunday, before school started back up on Monday. He hoped that he could get Wess in a good enough state that he could go to class on Monday, and start getting back into things.
"If you'd like to go, come on... If you want to stay a bit more, just tell me, and I'll stay..."
~~~~~
Wess relaxed some when he felt the other's hand on his back and saw him sit down next to him, and he closed his eyes. His stomach still felt like it was twisting and rolling, clearly upset, and another wave of nausea hit him; he didn't throw up again, though. It seemed he was done for a while... He still looked more pale than usual, though, and some of his hair was beginning to stick to the sweaty skin of his brow. He knew that going back to Bern's down would probably be the best idea at this point, but he did still feel unsteady. So he waited a while longer, just a couple more minutes, before nodding slowly and responding.
"Going would... probably be good." He mumbled. The sheets sounded like a bit too much at that moment, but he was fairly certain he could manage it. It was just a walk back down and up the stairs. Bern wasn't asking him to climb the chains up to the Windplains.
A moment after that Wess rose, shakily, to his feet, and flushed the toilet. He still tasted vomit, though, so he moved over to the sink and filled a little cup with water, then used that to get the taste mostly out of his mouth. When he had finished with that, he moved on into the room itself, and picked Bern's blanket off his desk chair to wrap it around his shoulders again.
~~~~~
Bern gently rubbed his back a bit more firmly, almost as though he'd noticed that the other was suffering from another bout of nausea. This was hitting him hard, but making it through was the most important part. And surely before long, they'd be over the worst of it, and the rest would be smooth sailing. This was only day 1, anyway... it had been hard enough. Bern was so glad there was still another day before school started again. That meant he could focus on this problem... At least as much as was possible. He just wanted this to be over... for Wess, and for himself.
When the other decided he'd rather go, Bern stood up, helping Wess up as well. He'd walk with him the whole way, making sure everything was okay. When Wess was prepared to go, Bern grabbed Wess's coat out of the closet, and they walked out, leaving the room and locking the door behind them. Going down to the laundry, Bern took out the sheets, still wet from being washed. He'd just bring them back with him, and they could dry them at the school, and return them later. He'd carry the damp sheets when they walked back. Wess certainly didn't need to do this when he was in such a state. But at least Bern had brought his coat this time so he wouldn't have to go around with a blanket on anymore.
When Bern and Wess returned to his place, Bern made up his bed for the other, and a little later, brought him some light food. Something he could eat that would be very easy on his stomach, because there was no point in him starving. (Meanwhile, Bern had hardly eaten a thing all day, but he wasn't even hungry with all this going on.) When the other was ready for bed, he made up his own place on the floor. Sunday went fairly well, with very little besides the same. Wess was still shaky, still vomited every once in a while, but Bern was persistent about taking good care of him. He kept bringing him food despite the other bringing it up a good part of the time, and he continually comforted him when he needed it. Even though it meant that Wess was frequently running to the bathroom, which was unfortunately down the hall a little ways... He stayed there for him. He insisted on Wess washing up on Sunday, too.
When Wess would wake on Monday morning, however, Bern was gone, and he'd left a note along with food for him. He said he was going to classes. He warned Wess not to close the door the entire way if he had to leave to go to the bathroom or take a shower; he wouldn't be able to get back in if that happened. Well, all this made sense. Bern had to go to his classes despite what was going on. However, leaving the other unattended might cause more problems than it would originally seem... It would just remain to be seen whether he could be trusted or not. The good news was that... well, Bern couldn't be gone that long, could he? The bad news was that he was inevitably going to be gone for quite a while... quite a while in which Wess might really need him. Still, he had done all he could...
~~~~~
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Post by NobleAlyssum on Feb 13, 2014 16:18:20 GMT -8
While Wess was certainly miserable, he found himself comforted, some, by Bern's presence. It was hardly enough to make the nausea, the shaking, the anxiety, and that heavy, depressive feeling go away, but he was glad for it, still. He managed to get through Sunday with him there, though he grew irritable, over time. He'd had a hard time sleeping the night before, his head whirring with so many thoughts that it kept him wide awake for a long time after he'd gotten into bed, despite his physical exhaustion, and otherwise complete lack of energy. The next day he found himself in moments of bitterness towards the world, even towards Bern, a few times, though when they passed he didn't exactly feel good about it. He was still worried that Bern was going to leave him if he messed up, and then where would he be?
The next night Wess managed to get even less sleep, but he did managed to sleep through Bern's departure, and most of the morning to find him gone. At first he was terrified that something else was going on, that Bern had decided to leave him there and find some other room, and for a moment it managed to make sense, to him. After reading the note, though, he understood what was going on.
Monday was more difficult than the other two days had been... His symptoms seemed to be peaking, or, at least, he hoped they were, rather than just climbing still higher towards an actual peak. He found it difficult to stray too far from the bathroom, and Bern's food was left untouched, and for the first part of the day he just huddled himself up in a couple of Bern's blankets and sat against the wall nearest to the room's door. That depressive feeling seemed to sap his physical energy and his will to continue fighting this, while the same anxiety he'd been feeling since Saturday afternoon made him worry, and want to get out of there and just get rid of all this shit. Which, of course, he knew he could do; it just meant finding and taking some Tranquility again.
Wess's resolve actually lasted a fairly good amount of time. But there was no Bern there to remind him of his worries, and he had no real idea when he'd be back, and what time he needed to "just hold out" to. And not only that, but his symptoms were worse, and his desire for Tranquility had grown far too large. He eventually broke, and with an almost angry anxiousness, he grabbed his coat and left the room.
He wasn't really sure where to go to satisfy this need, so he went back to his room first. Of course, there was nothing there, so he instead tried to find the bar where he'd originally gone... and he was successful. He bought only two bottles, then, and rushed back to his room again.
~~~~~
Bern had schoolwork to do, but he managed to get it done while he was keeping the other company. He tried not to do too much to bother him, most of the time, besides bringing him food and drink and keeping him company. A lot of the time they spent together was in relative silence. Bern wasn't really the talking type, that much had probably become obvious. Though they often spent a lot of time talking about deep concepts in the past, with Wess in this kind of state, it wasn't going to happen. Meanwhile, he didn't mind being near him; having the other around wasn't interfering too much with his daily activities. And he put Wess to bed back in his own bed again the following night.
In the morning, he left the note and food for Wess, and went off to classes. He knew he was going to end up worrying the whole while again... The first thing he did, however, was let the man he worked for know about Wess. How he would probably need to take care of him, and that his training would have to be postponed until further notice. Though he didn't seem particularly pleased that Bern was taking on this challenge, he also didn't think this was really the sort of thing Bern would normally do, but he didn't argue with him. Dealing with a Glass Thoughts addiction was hard, that was common knowledge. A lot of people were never able to kick it. Though Bern had promised it would not be long; perhaps he knew that what he was doing was going to work.
When he got back, however, the blood drained from his face as he found Wess wasn't there, and there was no evidence that he'd only gone to the bathroom. His coat was gone. In other words, this was a bad sign. He dropped his things and locked the door again. He would hurry to Wess's home and pray that was where he had gone. He just hoped it wasn't too late.
When he arrived at Wess's room, he immediately tried to open the door. Assuming it was unlocked, he pushed the door open and sought him out, and when he found him there with those bottles, anger literally seized him. He wasn't even sure if he'd caught him in time. He wasted no time in getting the bottles out of his hands at any cost. When he'd freed them from Wess's grasp, now the other was really going to be in trouble. Like seeing him the first time, he was back to that angry state. But he wasn't going to come out of it so easily. Holding the bottles of Tranquility in a white-knuckled grip, Bern's teeth were literally bared with anger. Honestly, it didn't compare to the way he'd looked the last time he'd seen Bern angry with him. Back when he thought that this was no big deal. Before it had been a cold anger. Now it was a truly heated anger, wherein Bern looked about to actually hurt him. In fact, speaking of that... he was well aware of it. His emotional control was definitely not doing well right now. He was paying as much attention as he possibly could to maintaining his anger... this was just another situation in which he could shatter those bottles with a simple surge of energy, but he didn't want that to happen. He was directing everything he possibly could toward other parts of his body, though the bottles were fracturing despite his efforts. Not enough to spill their contents, not yet. Though the air around him was definitely charged; Wess would be able to feel it. His hair was probably standing on end... Bern knew his was. And this... this was part of the reason he worked so hard to control his emotions. Because if he didn't... well, this kind of stuff could happen.
"What... are you doing... with this!?" he hissed through clenched teeth.
~~~~~
When Wess had returned to his room, he hadn't really done anything with the bottles. Just... sat there, pausing a moment to think, unlike what he'd done before with just the craving, and then rushing to satisfy that craving without a second thought. He was actually thinking this time, and he was starting to lose that steam and the will to drink the bottles.
There would be consequences, he knew, and they would be harsh ones. He would definitely lose Bern's support, and with that would go every chance he had at beating this addiction. He would end up in a fucking ditch somewhere with nowhere to go and nothing to do anymore, and he would lose everything he was to this void that was the life of a Thinker. Which, one would think, should have been enough to turn Wess right around and steer him back to Bern's dorm again. But he was also at the peak of his withdrawal; he was nauseous and depressed and anxious and just generally fucking miserable, and the only way he could make it stop was by caving in. The incredibly real situation he was in now seemed a whole lot more urgent than the potential future.
He was thinking, though, and that was certainly a step up.
When Bern burst through the door Wess actually jumped, startled and suddenly terrified. Oh, god, Bern was going to kill him... he certainly looked like it. He was absolutely livid, and Wess swore he could actually feel the anger rolling off of him. He posed no protest to the other taking the bottles... Actually, he was more worried about Bern trying to hit him or something. He flinched when the other spoke.
But then he found himself growing a bit indignant. Alright, he'd fucked up. He understood that. He knew it was his fault. And what did Bern expect from him? He was going through a lot. Of course he wanted to put an end to this bullshit, but it wasn't that easy, was it? He couldn't just give it all up in a couple of days, he had to know that.
"I... I wanted some." Wess replied, trying to get the nervous guilt out of his tone. "Obviously. I can't just... it's a lot. There's a lot, and it's hard, and I wanted to stop it. I get it, I get I messed up and... and I'm sorry, but it's still hard. My hands won't stop shaking, and I keep throwing up, and I... I feel wrong, like it's just fucking worthless, and I don't know why but... but I feel edgy and anxious and it's just a fucking lot." He put his head in his hands and rubbed at his eyes again, then returned his gaze to Bern. He looked like he was about to scream, or cry, or maybe both. He knew he didn't really deserve it, but he felt like he needed a little sympathy or... something. Comfort. He wanted back the mom that would hug and understand no matter what he did, and it looked, by his expression, almost like he was about to start voicing that.
~~~~~
At least now he was thinking. But unfortunately, Bern couldn't tell what he was thinking. Or that he was thinking at all. All he could tell was that he had left, he'd betrayed him by doing so, and he was back here in his own room with the exact thing he should have been staying away from in his hands. Wess had to understand why Bern was angry! It was definitely progress to have it in his hands and be really considering his decision. But it turned out that he was also caught at a bad time. A time when it was right there in his hands, like he'd just gotten it and scurried off somewhere he thought was safe to partake of it. Bern couldn't tell he'd been doubting it, that he'd been waiting.
Wess really couldn't think clearly right now, and that was part of the problem. No reasoning would probably be able to change his mind completely, because the withdrawal symptoms were simply not something that one could just ignore. And Bern knew and understood this too. But he couldn't feel what the other was feeling, and it had, unfortunately been a long time since he'd had withdrawal symptoms of his own to deal with, too. Though the things that were really angering him were not these things. They were the fact that he'd left while he was away, he'd betrayed him, it almost seemed like he'd been waiting for this moment. Even though rationally, he could figure out that he just couldn't take it anymore. That was just the problem here. Both of them had their reasons for their actions... and couldn't fully understand the other.
"...You can want it, you can want it desperately! But you can't HAVE it. How is that not clear?!" Bern replied, his voice raising at the final sentence. "And being a hopeless slave to this substance isn't wrong?" He had to breathe carefully, so he didn't get any worse off than he was already. His temper had flared in a dangerous way, and he was still trying to manage it, even while speaking to the other, trying to choose the right words. It was a lot harder than it looked. "Well. If this is so 'right'..." He raised one of the bottles in his hands, tucking the other into his pocket. "What if I drank it, instead of you? What if I was the one who drank this? Would that be 'right'?" Okay. He was getting out of control here, and he hadn't necessarily realized it, because his mind was so dead set on using scare tactics to prevent this from ever happening again. He could definitely go too far.
~~~~~
Wess's eyes widened when he suggested drinking a bottle of his own, then narrowed a bit to disbelief and worry. He wasn't really thinking all that much, but he knew that he didn't like that idea, and that he definitely didn't want Bern under the influence of Tranquility.
Moving quickly, Wess stood and snatched the bottle back from Wess with desperation. He paused a moment, then, hesitating, before he threw it to the ground and stomped purposefully on it, shattering the glass the rest of the way.
He was breathing heavily, now, and briefly he felt a wave of nausea rush over him. He almost ran into the bathroom, but he managed to stick through it, and stared at Bern with eyes that were suddenly hard.
He didn't understand why Bern was... well, why he didn't understand. He'd just spelled it out, right? He had told Bern he didn't want this shit, that he just wanted all of this to stop. He was just desperate to make the hurting, miserable part stop before the other part. It was a conflict, and it was difficult. He'd had a moment of weakness, of course. Of course he was going to feel weak, and cave, and... he just wanted Bern to understand that, instead of continuing to be angry with him and threatening to do stupid, destructive things to himself just to make a point. Of course, he didn't know Bern has a reason for being angry as well. He was thinking somewhat rationally on his end, but Bern's own situation was a mystery to him, and he didn't even realize it.
"Don't you fucking..." He paused, obviously having trouble thinking, or coming up with the right words to express what was going through his head, "Don't you dare. I didn't really... I... I know it's not okay! It was just a... a moment, I was thinking, I didn't really... I wasn't..." With a frustrated sigh Wess stopped, and rubbed at his eyes again, hard. He took another moment to pause and collect his thoughts, then continued. "I didn't want any of that, I wanted to make this all stop, the puking and the... the not sleeping, and all of it, and that's what makes it stop, right? That's what makes it go away. I know it's bad, I know. I came to you because I knew. It's just... hard. Don't drink it, don't... don't pretend." Now he sounded less angry, and more pleading. Like he was begging Bern to understand, in his words, and to stop. To just understand what was happening to him, what had happened, and why.
~~~~~
For the entirety of the conversation, Bern was on edge. But what he hadn't expected was for the other to take the bottle in his hand. And had he ever anticipated that Wess would have had the ability to snatch it from him so quickly in his weakened state, he would never have let his guard down enough to let it happen. But he took the bottle, leaving him dumbfounded, and then threw it to the ground and stomped on it. The glass splintered, shattered, and blue liquid spilled everywhere. In Wess's own room. But for Bern, at least, it was kind of like his anger had shattered into disbelief seeing this happen...
Okay. He didn't want this shit either. He'd been threatening the other with something that definitely wouldn't happen. He was never going to get himself addicted to Glass Thoughts. He knew better; he'd seen how horrible it was. And the only reason he'd said this was to get the other to think. To really think about whether or not it was worth doing it to himself. If he didn't want to see it happen to someone else... why would he want it to happen to himself? That was what he'd had in mind. But maybe it had backfired on him. Or maybe not. He wasn't really sure. Maybe in the back of his mind he knew that Wess would cave eventually... and maybe he'd just hoped that he'd be there to stop him when it happened. But he hadn't, and it had happened, and ...for some reason, that made him so angry. Perhaps that he wasn't there to do something about it...
Now, seeing the other's aggression in response, he was listening. He'd calmed down, well, he thought he had. He'd lost all the flickering sense of power that had been coursing his body, that much he was sure of. He was, more or less back to normal, even if he didn't show it entirely... though his face really had fallen, and rested in this expression of disbelief, slowly fading to acceptance. He really did understand. And Bern probably had done more than he was supposed to. Wess wasn't... stupid. He'd come to terms with reality; he just couldn't control or handle the consequences of quitting. And maybe Bern should have realized that he wouldn't be able to take it on his own. Bern slowly lifted his eyes to the other's, to make sure he engaged him when he spoke next.
"And to make it over this mountain is to make it all stop, forever." He wanted to make sure the other knew that. Even though it felt so easy to slide back down, to return to the bottom where it was safe... he had to keep climbing, despite the avalanches and the blizzards and the foot and handholds that broke on the way. "I just want you to know... that I know you can make it. And I'd do anything... to make sure you got there."
All this was making him feel weird. So weird, like he'd never felt before. It was an uncomfortable sort of comfort that he didn't recognize. Like something was unsettled deep within him, despite an overwhelming feeling of relief, and positive feeling. He reached into the pocket he'd dropped the other bottle of Tranquility into, and removed it, momentarily turning it in his hands before handing it to Wess himself.
"Show me again how much you hate this poison. Show the whole world."
~~~~~
Wess grew visibly calmer at the other's words, his shoulders slumping some and his expression going from desperation to something more like surprised relief. He wasn't angry anymore... he still sort of wanted to cry, but this time with the overwhelming feeling of relief. Bern wasn't angry anymore, and he understood, finally. He understood why Wess had been upset, why he'd... he'd done all of this. And god, it felt so good to know that, and to hear that he was... well, that he still believed Wess could do it.
Still riding on a wave of relief, Wess took the bottle easily from Bern's hand, then looked at it for a moment. It had become a symbol now, he supposed... a promise, or rather a vow, that he would and could do this. That he could leave it all behind him again. And he wanted to... heavy doubt still pressed against his mind, and the desire to just throw back the contents of the bottle and give up still made his whole body ache, but he needed to do this, now, more than he needed to drink it. He was almost to the top of the mountain, he felt. He was climbing the steep rise to the easy part, and he was almost there... And feeling like he was letting go of something several tons heavier than the bottle's own weight, he dropped the thing to the floor and smashed that one, too.
Then he looked back at Bern, relief still evident on his features, but now there was pride, there, too. He could do this, now, he felt. He would be alright... He still felt physically terrible, but for now, he felt... good. Emotionally, anyways. He felt like things were going to be alright, and with that, of course, came a gratitude towards Bern himself. He wasn't sure how to express it, or if he should, but it warmed him and brought a small smile to his lips.
~~~~~
For a while he'd probably been truly scared that Bern was angry with him, about things he simply didn't understand. Though he understood, didn't he? He understood completely; he'd just gotten lost for a while. Perhaps even lost in the emotion that had initially resulted, or lost in the feelings of despair that had come along with seeing him that way, with that stuff in the first place. Bern understood him... now hopefully Wess understood Bern as well. Or maybe it didn't even matter in the end, because Bern had just done what he felt he had to do in the moment... to attempt to reverse the damage that had already been done.
And now that he'd destroyed both bottles... now that he was stronger than them, Bern couldn't help but feel more than relieved himself. And that same mixture of things he'd started feeling. He didn't know what it was yet; he couldn't place the feeling or the emotions that were attached to it. Though it really did seem to press at him from the inside, as though longing to escape. As Wess was looking back at him, Bern's lips had curled ever so slightly into a smile of pride of his own. Both of them knew he had the power to do this now... right? This was the hardest point so far. At least so far, and they'd made it here together. For a while, they probably just stood there, looking at each other, affirming their feelings about this.
And then, Bern was finally the one to break the silence. "...We should probably clean this up, then head back..." That was almost certainly important. He was renting this place after all... leaving broken glass and Tranquility spilled all over the floor for too long would be a problem. Anyway, with Wess's help, Bern cleaned up, and the two of them walked back to the dorms together. The awkward feeling that Bern was having wasn't really going away, but it had calmed down quite a bit... and meanwhile, Wess was probably feeling plenty of emotions of his own. Pride, relief... maybe even more.
~~~~~
Wess's wave of positivity came to an end shortly after they arrived back at Bern's room, when he rushed to the bathroom to throw up again. It was a harsh (and disgusting) reminder that, while he now believed he could do this, the symptoms of his withdrawal weren't going to just magically disappear. He was still going to have to cope with all of this, for... well, he didn't know how long it was going to take, but it would be a while yet.
He still felt warmed, though... He wasn't sure why, or where it had come from, but the warmth that had started when he realized that Bern was still on his side, and wasn't angry with and misunderstanding him, had remained with him, though faded some. There was also a sort of longing in it, too... a longing for more? When he tried to think about it, his mind compared the feeling to his addiction, and he shied away from it, hard. No... that couldn't be it, it was different. It was lovely, and soft, and he wasn't quite certain what to make of it.
After a couple of minutes in the bathroom, mulling over this train of thought, Wess pulled himself out and returned to Bern's room again. His smile from before had faded as well, and he now looked... well, he bore a somewhat stony expression as he had before all of this, but there was still a miserable tilt to his features. He wasn't quite himself yet... that would take some time.
~~~~~
When the other dashed off to the bathroom, Bern didn't stop him or make any effort to recognize it either, really, because it was pretty obvious why he'd run like that. He knew the other wasn't going to do anything stupid now... He just kind of... knew. Unfortunately, this wasn't over yet. But he had a feeling it would be, very soon. Despite the symptoms lingering, they were not going to last too much longer... right? Wess was going to make it. Hopefully, he'd just come up over the worst of his temptation, and all that would be left was the final stretch... that was all Bern could hope for, at least.
He would have wondered if he was hungry, but he somehow doubted that would be the case, at least for a little while after he'd vomited. Bern entered his room to notice that the plate he'd left for him was still there. Oh well; he'd left him food that was not perishable. Fruit, vegetables, and toast; they would keep, and in fact, they were probably still plenty good now, since the vegetables and fruit hadn't been cut up. If Wess felt like eating, he could.
Bern found himself a bit glad to have a little privacy, though. He contemplated the odd feeling. Considering Wess, it seemed to have a momentary surge, and his eyes flickered toward the door. He had a suspicion about it, but... surely that wasn't the case. It wasn't like him. Not at all. He just didn't feel things like that. Surely it was just a temporary thing; his mind being so shaken up and all.
When the other got back, he'd find Bern sitting on his bed, contemplating... But when he realized that Wess had return, he looked up, and patted the bed beside him. "... Come here. I think I should probably talk to you about something..."
~~~~~
Wess eyed the other for a moment upon returning, suddenly a bit nervous. Why would he need to talk to Wess? If it had been about all of that stuff back in his room, surely he would have spoken of it on the walk back... it wasn't like he was out of touch or anything. They'd been alone together, then, and they had been alone together for the short time before Wess had gone to the bathroom. What could have suddenly cropped up in that short span of time that suddenly needed to be discussed?
Then again, Bern could just have felt like this was somehow the right moment. Not that that had any sort of sense tied to it, which was rather unlike Bern. Well... he didn't have much of an option but to do as the other told him, he figured.
So he sat next to Bern on his bed, as instructed, and folded his hands in his lap. They were still shaky, and he found himself annoyed by this, trying to tense and ball them up to make them stop. Wess turned his gaze to Bern, looking both skeptical and, as he had been, miserable. There was a not of curiosity there, too, though, and once, briefly, it seemed the edges of his features twitched in response to something he was feeling. Something light and fluttery, like a little bird was trapped in his bones. Definitely different from the hollow shakiness that still largely had a hold on him.
~~~~~
Basically, this was something he was meaning to talk to him about, but he didn't feel like it was really the right kind of discussion, not right after what had just happened and all that. But at the same time, now that he'd given Wess a little time to think about what had transpired, he figured this was the right time to talk about it. Or maybe it was just a distraction. A distraction from the odd feelings he had been having. Something he could talk to the other about... because he didn't want to think about them. Especially not if they were the kinds of feelings he was having suspicions about.
When the other sat down, he could tell that he was still shaking, definitely still in the throes of this. He didn't seem well, still, but at least he was better. He wouldn't mind if the other had to run off to throw up again, he almost wished he had the time to himself, but he knew time to himself would mean time that he spent thinking about those feelings. So he went on to talk to him about the subject he wanted to use as distraction. Well, he'd intended to tell him anyway, so it wasn't distraction at all. Was it?
"...You know... I've had to deal with my own addiction, as well..." Bern murmured, though he kept his voice low. Okay, a personal story. No wonder he'd waited until they were back here... "It wasn't Glass Thoughts... but it isn't to say that it was easy for me. And I didn't have such reasons to quit as it was destroying my life, making me into a non-functional person... Still, that doesn't downplay the importance. I suppose... in some ways, I wasn't as lucky as you. I didn't have anyone to help me quit..." He paused for a moment. "...You're fortunate. Because honestly, it was very hard for me. Even though I had my reasons and they were very important... I must have tried dozens of times to quit before I finally had the willpower..." He looked up toward Wess. "...I knew, when this happened... that I had to be there for you. And when you didn't seem to recognize that you had fallen... when we first met, after you started... I admit I knew even then that I was going to need to be the one to help you through. But I knew I couldn't do it, if you didn't want it. And that's why I reacted the way I did, when you dismissed it like it was nothing. I'm sure you know now... how it was so much more influential than you thought." Bern was talking a lot more than he was used to... well, given that he hadn't talked to Wess like this in a long time. Not since before his addiction.
"...But even though it may not seem that way... I understand, to some extent, what you're going through. I know how hard it is... because I've been there. And I know I've been harsh with you, especially today. But you have to understand... I had to do anything in my power to motivate you. Because when it comes down to it... it's still up to you. You're the only one with the power to change, to stop... no matter how much support you have; no matter how many people are helping you." He took a deep breath. It felt weird to convey all this to him... He looked down to the other's hands in his lap. They were too far away...
~~~~~
Wess had lowered his head some, while the other spoke, unsure what to make of all of this. Well, it made sense that he was telling Wess this now, rather than before. Obviously it was something deeply personal, and he wanted to share it privately. Which did give this a tone of intimacy Wess hadn't noticed before... Bern was sharing something of himself it seemed he hadn't shared with many before, and he was doing it for a very personal reason.
Wess was inclined to comfort Bern while he spoke, but he wasn't certain how, or if Bern would really appreciate that at all. He contemplated laying a hand of his shoulder, but it seemed... off, so he refrained.
Had Bern really gone through all of this himself? It did sort of explain his seemingly extensive knowledge on the subject, but he felt the same rush of... he wasn't sure what it was, but it felt something like concern, and even fury, as he'd felt when Bern had threatened to drink the Tranquility. Even if it wasn't Glass Thoughts he had been escaping, it was still doubtless a difficult thing to go through. And he felt closer to Bern, too, knowing they had shared such a thing.
Wess was silent for a long moment after the other finished speaking, not really certain what to say. He'd just opened himself up to him, for him, just to help him through this... just to help Wess realize that Bern was there for him, and that even then Wess did need to be the one pulling the weight. It was comforting, and... and really incredibly kind, he thought.
"... Thank you." Wess finally mumbled, and he didn't say anything more. That was, he felt, the only thing he really could say. Even if it fell hopelessly short of expressing all of the things he felt, it was all he could think to say, and all he could imagine was appropriate. After another moment of hesitation, he reached over and grabbed Bern's hand, on an impulse he wasn't willing to think through. He regretted it slightly a beat later, unsure Bern would appreciate the attempt at comfort, but he didn't pull his hand away.
~~~~~
As weird as it might have seemed, Bern had been planning to talk to Wess about his struggle with addiction for some time. But he hadn't really come up with the right time... and even when it might have seemed to present itself, the thought of doing so had still been uncomfortable. One could understand why he was uncertain about revealing such a personal thing to him. Even though he was in the midst of a very personal experience with Wess, if only because he was serving as the only support he had in fighting a terrible, unfathomable addiction. One that could drag him into a lifetime of remiss nonchalance, sapping away all his strength, and the potential in his intelligence. That was part of the way Bern saw it. If he was under the influence of that stuff, that was all that mattered to him. The things he knew, the potential he had... that wouldn't matter anymore, if he had continued to drink Glass Thoughts. And for that to happen... Bern would be sure he'd lost someone dear to him.
Yes, he'd admitted it to himself quite a while ago. Wess was very dear to him, though he didn't fully understand why or how. Especially since he had never felt that anyone was particularly dear to him before. He had trouble making friends, lots of it. Mostly he just grew comfortable with others to some extent, but never really pursued having them as friends. Wess was definitely a unique one. But he was fortunate to have Wess, and Wess was most certainly fortunate to have him. If either of them believed that things happened for a reason, they would have to believe that they had come together for a reason.
Bern never would have guessed that Wess would feel angry about his story. He never would have thought there was something to feel angry about, even from his own perspective. He could have been angry at himself for having such a hard time... he could have been angry for starting in the first place. But he wasn't. He'd made a mistake, and he'd forgiven himself. It had been hard for him to quit, but all of his persistence had seen him through. He had no reason to be upset, even with himself, because it was all in the past. And he'd known that he needed to tell this story. He'd also known the timing was important, but... despite the feelings he was having, feelings he might have wanted to avoid by doing this, he was doing something almost equally revealing in the first place, and it was, undoubtedly, the right time. At least, now that it was over, he felt that it was. He didn't think he would want to change it.
The other's soft response wasn't exactly descriptive, but it gave him all the information he needed to know. Bern found the corners of his lips rising as he heard the other's thanks, but then he was taken by surprise as suddenly, Wess reached over and took his hand... And for a moment, he was sure that he must have read his mind or something, because he had just been thinking about how awkward it was to grab Wess's hand when it was in his lap. But the other had moved to him, and as Wess's shaky hand cradled his own, he found his own hand closing around his, reassuring him, and himself.
"...When I was 13... that's when I started. I quit when I was 20... and I'm 21 now..." The statement was kind of an idle one, but he'd more or less said with this what he hadn't said with his story before. He hadn't said what it was he was addicted to, or for how long. But that information was given freely now. Smoking wasn't quite as addictive as many Glass Thoughts, at least not starting out. It might not hook you right away. But it was renowned as a habit that was hard to kick. And he'd done it on his own, apparently... So he'd known what kind of motivation it took. That was why he was so harsh, just as he'd explained. He'd lived it himself. He'd never intended to hurt Wess, or make him angry. Honestly, he'd never intended to -get- angry. But here he was, and he'd done all that. And it had all been for a reason in the end. Even if he had upset Wess, he'd inspired the other to fight back, to support his decisions, even when they weren't good ones. He hadn't been afraid to say just why he did it, despite knowing that Bern could very well judge him harshly anyway.
Wess would feel the hand around his suddenly tighten a slight bit. "...And now it's your turn." The hand in his seemed to be filled with a softly humming energy. Maybe now, now that he'd been around the other a few times, he was beginning to recognize that there was something about the way Bern felt. Especially now, when he was touching him. He'd felt it when they'd had confrontational situations. Like earlier today; he'd felt it when the other had seized the bottles from him, when he was furious. He'd felt it that day in the bar when they first met, even though he probably hadn't realized it. And he felt it now, but it was almost different. And still, an energy that seemed like it was his all the same. Heck, it could have still ended up confused with his own mixture of feelings if he wasn't thinking too carefully about it.
~~~~~
Wess was realizing that there was something distinctly different about Bern from anyone else he'd ever met; he'd realized it when they first met, and again the second time, and every time since then. But it wasn't just the energy about him... Bern didn't act the way Wess expected him to, even when Wess thought he knew him well enough to judge him. He had something different going on in his head than what he was actually saying or acting like was there, Wess felt, and... it didn't quite feel like lying, but rather like Bern was trying to say something in a language Wess didn't know. Maybe that was why Wess continuously felt the desire to do what the other wanted of him, to do what was the right thing to Bern; because he wanted to understand that language, and those seemed to be the only times he did. Or perhaps it was because it wasn't just Bern that felt different, but the way Wess felt about Bern, and something in those feelings made him want Bern to be as okay as he was (or in this case, used to be) or more, as well off as possible, as he could help him be... Almost like Wess wanted to protect him from worse.
That wasn't to say he didn't notice Bern's energy, though, or... what felt like some kind of energy. He'd felt that prickle on the first night, and the angry surge just earlier, and he'd passed it off as cold air and anger, but now he was feeling something very similar, and what could he pass it off as, now? He told himself it was only his own feelings, but somewhere in the back of his mind he could tell that it was related, for whatever reason, to the other two instances. It was just too strange to understand why, or how, or to even fully accept what.
When Wess realized that Bern was actually alright with his hand there, and in fact seemed to enjoy it himself, Wess relaxed, and allowed his own grip to tighten with some confidence around Bern's fingers. He didn't want to think about that, really, but he found himself pondering it anyways... It was a friendly gesture, he told himself, one only of comfort; and it was, in intention. But that didn't mean he felt nothing more by it. The warmth seemed to have a greater presence than it had before, the pressing, fluttery comfort and urge to find more of it's kind, which, instinct told him, lay in Bern. He'd seldom felt friendship before, as he hadn't ever truly been the most delightful person himself, but he could tell there was something more to this than friendship. And while he didn't want to think about, and he was sort of frightened by the connotations that could hold, it was there all the same.
The idea that Bern has struggled with something remotely like this for seven years definitely brought a kind of anger back to Wess. Not anger at Bern, really, or himself, but anger at circumstances. He didn't like that idea, he didn't like the possibility, the truth that Bern had gone through something like that, and on top of it, had done it alone. Wess really was lucky to have Bern... god, was he lucky. Without Bern he doubted he could have gotten this far, and in fact he knew he couldn't have. Before Bern he hadn't even thought it was a problem... his fingers loosened with that thought, only to tighten again, slowly, and somehow this felt more like he was holding on to Bern than it had before. And he nodded nodded at Bern's pointing out that it Was Wess's turn, now, to get rid of this parasite. It felt more real, somehow, than it had before... Bern had done this himself, he'd managed to get rid of whatever addiction he had plagued himself with. Now Wess had to do the same.
"What was it?" Wess asked, his tone quiet and gentle, as if he was afraid he'd break something by saying those words too loudly.
~~~~~
At this point, Bern realized that there was so much more to Wess as well, and the amount of trust he placed in him was really staggering. He wouldn't have normally wanted anyone to be around him when his mental state was going out of control. It was just one reason why he lived a secluded life, sequestered himself in his room and to his studies. There was a great risk in showing anyone the potential he had, and despite this, he spent so much time showing Wess, shamelessly. Well, it wasn't shameless. But he wasn't making a strong effort to control it. And, in all honesty, the warm vibration he was giving off wasn't really something he was wholly aware of. It would probably have a very different feel than the uncomfortable prickling or charged air that had been the result before... Similar, like it had a similar source, but different. Was it even logical to say that, perhaps, these things were related? Perhaps not, but it almost seemed like, sometimes, Bern did give off some kind of energy that he never noticed in other people. That is, if Wess even spent enough time around others to notice there was a difference in the feeling he got around Bern, both internally and externally.
Bern knew he could be a mystery. A puzzle that someone would have to work exceptionally hard to unlock. But it seemed that from day 1, Wess really had stepped up to the challenge. Bern didn't get close to people, and while he had his reasons, he also didn't have many experiences with friendship on any level. Wess really had changed that for him... changed his life in a way he didn't expect. And while he was trusting him so much, with this... with the power he'd discharged on occasion without meaning to (and was even now, though he still didn't mean it)... Bern shouldn't have trusted him, probably. He had a secret to keep, and the more intuitive someone was, the more likely he was to figure out what it was. If this was just his own secret... He might just tell him. But it wasn't his own secret... it was the nation's secret. And he couldn't. He could only hope that Wess wasn't suspicious about him. And when he recovered, he'd have to be even more careful to avoid suspicion. While the other was sick, he could still mistake things for symptoms, or would be too distracted by his thoughts and needs to really focus.
He had to really contemplate how he felt about the other touching his hand like that. There was something terribly comforting in that simple gesture, and he embraced it for some reason. It was unlike him. Though it did have a rather friendly feeling that connected him with Wess. He'd had the strong desire to do this himself, so he couldn't help but wonder if Wess had picked up on that somehow. Bern's hand was pretty warm in his, and now that he touched it, he was really feeling that interesting sensation he gave off. Bern, like Wess, was trying to push the possibilities out of his mind of this being even more than a friendship, but it was getting harder and harder for him. And maybe Wess was feeling the same. But this kind of relationship brought a whole new set of problems that Bern would have to deal with, with the secrets he had to keep.
Yes, seven years of his life had been struggling with this. Well, not always struggling. For a good part of that time, he'd wanted to do it. And loved to do it, in fact. Just like Wess had, at first. But smoking was different, for sure... it was a more slow kind of drug. You enjoyed it while you partook of it, but the withdrawal was slower, less intense, and you never thought you were doing anything wrong. The effect it might have on your life was usually minimal, until it was a long-term thing, wherein he had decided it was not right for him.
"...Oh. I thought I had said it before," Bern murmured, seeming vaguely embarrassed at his mistake. Here he'd thought he'd said what it was, but instead, he'd just gone on rambling. "...I used to smoke. It got too expensive for me, and I didn't like the physical impact it had on me."
~~~~~
Perhaps it would have been expected of Wess to think that smoking was smaller, almost entirely inconsequential when compared with his own addiction. But he didn't. He knew what smoking was like, if not from life experience then from his many, many books. It seemed small, it really did, but that was part of the problem; the effects of it seemed too little, too impossible until they actually had you. And then you ended up in a hospital somewhere on life support with lung cancer and a few months to live… possibly. It was a mixture of thinking you didn't need to quit, and thinking that you can any time you want, because smoking itself is so common, so small, and there are so many success stories. But it doesn't work that way. In a way, it could almost be viewed as worse than Glass Thoughts... not as serious, perhaps, but harder to break away from. Harder to be convinced that you should, no matter who does the convincing.
Wess was glad, though, that Bern had left that behind, and that he hadn't stuck with it long enough to do much damage. He honestly cared about Bern, that much he was willing to admit to himself. How, though, he was neither sure of, nor did he want to explore that thought. The other's hand in his was generating too much of that already, though he didn't pull away. Actually, he practically melted into the touch, and it felt almost like all the warmth in him was coming from it, or perhaps it was the other way around... He'd felt something similar with his mother, but that was all it was: similar. The warmth itself seemed dramatically different... perhaps it was because Bern was a friend, or perhaps it was for a different reason.
Wess wasn't going to be able to figure much out, in this state. Despite the way his thoughts were mulling over the touch more than he liked, he was still distracted by other things... by the things he'd been distracted with for several days now: the nausea that churned his stomach, the anxiousness in his body and mind, the depressive feeling of hopelessness and meaningless that, while somewhat subdued now, still seemed to press him down from the inside. And more; he still felt shaky and hollow, though this was comforting him some, and there was a heat on his skin that felt like it might be a fever of some kind, and made his hair cling damply to his forehead. He wasn't connecting the dots quite yet, comparing this sensation of energy to the others, though he did feel it, and some part of him thought it knew. He could still pass it off as something else, and he did; lumping it in with the emotions and other things the comforting touch was creating.
And even if Wess did figure out what was going on, how untrustworthy could he be? He hadn't given Bern much of a reason to believe he was anything but trustworthy, and anything but on his side. Alright, Bern might have thought Wess had betrayed him by leaving to seek out more Tranquility, but he had had a reason for that. The physical need to satisfy his needs had overpowered him, and surely Bern had understood that. He had even placed his own trust in Bern, and how likely was it that he was untrustworthy, if he could do that? Not only had he been fairly open about what his physical sex was, but he had placed his whole life in the other's hands. He could have sought out his mother instead, but here he was... As if he knew Bern wouldn't turn him away, in some deep part of him. As if he was certain Bern would be careful with his life, more than even Wess was. Really, he had placed more trust in Bern than he had placed in himself... Which could possibly be interpreted as Wess seeing himself as untrustworthy, but someone who was untrustworthy usually trusted themselves to do right by themselves, didn't they?
But he didn't have much control over what Bern thought, and indeed he didn't even know what Bern thought in the first place. He did suspect that perhaps something strange was going on with the other, when he'd seen his gun, but Wess didn't think much of it. He really did trust Bern.
~~~~~
Bern's fingers wrapped around and between Wess's own, slipping through to grasp his hand more as time went on. The hold had started out much more delicate, but he'd seemed to change it, to envelop his hand more, as though to say that he wanted to reassure him. To let him know that he was there, and that he would comfort him whenever he needed it. Bern had definitely made himself available... and while the decision to do so had been made kind of on a whim, he didn't care so much about that... he had done something good for the other and he'd been there for him when he really needed someone. So this was what it was like... he contemplated... to feel needed. And while he'd been needed for a while now, this was the first time he'd really thought about it. Wess literally needed him right now. That was why leaving him alone led him to do some crazy things. But he'd have to leave him alone again tomorrow. He'd have to trust him again... And eventually Wess would have to start attending his classes again. Hopefully he hadn't gotten himself expelled or something because of his absences. If nothing else... Bern wondered if he'd be able to talk to his teachers, to tell him that he had been medically unable to attend and that he was a witness to this. Since he was part of the school, and his own teachers would be able to back him up on his credibility, perhaps that would work. He considered that it might have to be done. So he would do it, if he needed to.
Now that it was beginning to get late, he looked over the other, without putting too much thought inside him. Rather, he really looked over the other, and considered that he couldn't be feeling too well. He gently rose from his place on the bed, standing in front of Wess. "Are you feeling okay? You look like you're getting a little overheated." He could turn the temperature down in the room if that was a problem. He did, however, brush his hand over the other's sweaty bangs as he mentioned this, as though to point out that he'd noticed he had gotten a little sweaty. "How about hungry? Do you think you'll be able to get anything down before going to bed?" He was definitely getting concerned about the other in that respect; if he couldn't keep anything down that was one thing, but he needed to try and digest something so he didn't end up getting too weak.
Bern figured they'd probably settle in to bed pretty soon. It was still a bit early, but they probably wouldn't have anything else to do that evening besides rest. Perhaps they could spend a little more time together, just sitting close to one another, maybe talking a bit, if Wess was up to it. If not, Bern could always study. He didn't mind having the other there at all; he was always so quiet; it was basically like doing what he did, just not being alone while doing it.
Bern had definitely tried to keep as much about his private life a secret as possible with Wess around, and he didn't figure the other had much reason to be suspicious, though he had done some very suspicious things. Like with the gun... He was just glad he hadn't needed to use it. Though he had been smart to bring it as protection just in case... Or motivation. That hadn't ended up being the case. However, there was so much more to it that he wasn't willing to reveal to Wess, if only because the secrets were really related to the country, and that was why he couldn't just tell the other all about his private life. It would be up to him to continue hiding this... though it wouldn't work for long. And not because he was growing close to Wess, but because, while Wess needed him to get over this... he too was going to need his assistance in the near future.
"There's still food over on the desk if you want it... If you're ready to sleep, we can go ahead and get ready for bed," Bern finished, still feeling concerned for the other. He hoped this was almost done with.
~~~~~
Wess definitely appreciated that the other had made himself available in that way... if this had happened even a week before it had, he knew he wouldn't have met Bern at all, and then he wouldn't ever have been able to pull himself out, and... well, he was grateful. He was incredibly grateful, and he doubted he would ever stop feeling grateful towards Bern, or that he would ever feel like he wasn't somehow indebted to him.
When Bern's fingers moved to intertwine with his, Wess squeezed at his hand again, just a bit. Usually he tended to shy away from physical contact, but Bern was... different. Bern was a source of reassuring comfort and warmth, despite the fact that Wess's stomach seemed to be competing in the gymnastic's portion of the Olympics every time he did things like this, now, and there was still that same sort of flutter in him, like something was in him that desperately wanted out. Bern was trustworthy, and he cared, and not only that but he was smart and... well, really everything Wess liked in anyone, and a little more, too. And maybe this felt new, and strange, but that didn't mean it was uncomfortable. Sure, a bit frightening... it definitely wasn't friendship, Wess could tell that now. No friends ever slipped their fingers together like that, brushed each other's foreheads with the tips of their fingers... He could accept that. He was going to have to accept it, too, because he was here until all of this shit was over, and there was such a small chance that he would stop being around Bern afterwards that scientists were still working to develop microscopes powerful enough to see it. He was here for now, and... he didn't want to think about these things, not really, but he was. He was, and he was beginning to realize what was going on, and he had made up him mind to not let it get in the way. Which meant accepting it for what it was.
"Of course I'm not feeling okay." Wess mumbled in reply, trying to smile a bit, hoping to make that some kind of joke, even though it really wasn't. "Better, though, I think... just... warm. That's all that's new... I... don't really feel like eating." His stomach felt terribly empty, but he had thrown up not too long ago... he might be able to get something down, though, if he really tried. "And sleep... I can try. I'll try." Wess reached up to touch where Bern had touched, though he passed it off as rubbing his face again, like he so often did when he was stressed, tired, or confused. Well... he was sort of a combination of all three, he supposed, but Bern's touch was still there and he still felt it's resulting comfort.
~~~~~
It had all been very good luck on Wess's part that things had happened the way they did... and favorably, too. And Bern felt the same... had things been a little different, he wouldn't be here protecting him now. But then, he considered, he wouldn't have known him and perhaps it wouldn't have been his business at all. He didn't really feel the need to consider it; after all, things were as they were. He would spend his time and efforts worrying about things that mattered.
Bern was not exactly the type to enjoy physical contact, either. That was something the two of them shared. But there was something about Wess that just made him want to touch the other in some way. And holding hands like this felt... good, and right. And maybe he should try to shy away from these feelings, but something about them just felt good. And he kept wanting to touch the other, despite it all. He was also somewhat aware that friends didn't do what he was doing. And yet, he wasn't ready to accept it as something else, really... he just wasn't prepared. It was too soon for him; he had a lot to sort out before that was really something that worked for him. As soon as Wess was able to function on his own, he anticipated putting some space between them. Not because he necessarily wanted to, but because had to. But until the other was comfortable, and no longer suffering from withdrawal, he thought he was just going to have to deal with all the things that came. When there was no more threat, he could go back to being more reserved.
"That's fine. I'll turn down the heat, then." It was easy for an interior space to get warm during the winter with the heater running. Bern got up to look at the thermostat, his fingers slipping away from Wess's. How the hell had it gotten to 78 in there, anyway? He turned the thermostat down to 72, and walked back to Wess, though only stood in front of him this time. He hadn't caught the other touching his face like he had a moment ago, though... He turned down the covers of the bed for Wess to lay down, knowing he probably should try to rest right now. Though if he decided he wanted to talk for a while, Bern wouldn't mind. He then moved to the space he'd cleared on the floor, blankets and pillows pulled in an arrangement something like a bed, where he'd been sleeping for the last couple nights while Wess had been with him. He organized them so they were back into some semblance of a bed. The only unfortunate thing was that the room was small enough, if Wess had to rush to the bathroom with the light out, there was a possibility that he'd end up kicking Bern in some way, waking him up. Though he'd slept with his head away from the door, he'd still end up getting kicked; it'd happened once or twice, though he just shrugged it off and went back to sleep every time. Laying on the floor was hard on his back, but he would manage.
"I'm turning out the light now," he murmured, standing back up and moving to the light switch, turning it off unless the other had an an argument against it.
~~~~~
Wess was a bit disappointed to have the other's hand leave his, but he voiced no complaint. Obviously, they couldn't stay there forever, and... He wasn't really sure how Bern was feeling about this, anyways. He was still speaking in some language Wess couldn't really understand, though he wanted to, and he didn't seem to be feeling the same way his actions were expressing. It was confusing, but it was also Bern, and Wess was going to have to deal with that.
He thanked Bern again when he turned the thermostat down and helped him settle in for bed, then moved into the covers and turned over for sleep. But his mind was still whirring with thought, with ponderings concerning Bern and with all of the other things that came and kept coming with his withdrawal... As before, it was hard for him to get to sleep, but it helped, some, to focus on one topic. So he chose Bern, which seemed to be the biggest, and spent some time alternating between thoughts of him, and attempts to sleep. He didn't manage to get to sleep for several more hours.
The next day Wess was prepared to find Bern gone, and he managed to get through the day without him, this time. Despite the fact that he knew that class schedules could differ day to day, Wess judged about what time Bern had come back the day before and told himself to just get to then, to hold out until then. And he was alright; he got through it, and the next day, and the day after that. his symptoms subsiding a little more each passing day. When Thursday rolled around at last, Wess was... well, he felt alright again. He'd stopped throwing up, and his hands had stopped shaking so badly, and he didn't feel anxious anymore, or depressed... in fact, he felt just the opposite. He'd beat it, he was alright again, and he was proud.
He'd been evolving in an emotional sense, too. After he had managed to push himself to accept that he was going to feel what he had been feeling towards Bern, he had also started to try to touch him a little more often. Just little sources of comfort; taking his hand as he had done before, or laying a hand on the other's back or shoulder... things he felt were safe, that Bern was okay with, and that he knew felt... nice. Wess had also pushed himself to come to realize what it was he was feeling, exactly, and he found that he was alright with that. He trusted Bern, and he found comfort in him, and there was no reason he should fear feeling romantically about him, right? It helped, too, to focus himself outwards on the other, rather than inwards on himself, his symptoms, and his problems. It was still a bit scary, because it was new an strange and he didn't know what to do with those feelings, but he could handle it. He could accept it.
When the day came that Wess realized that he was alright again and he should probably leave Bern alone, he gathered the few things he had with him and waited in that room for Bern to come back from his classes. He was a bit disappointed that there would be so much space between them again, but he could push a little harder to spend more time with him, he supposed...
~~~~~
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Post by NobleAlyssum on Feb 13, 2014 16:20:56 GMT -8
To Bern, it was a great relief to see Wess getting better and better. He continued to provide for him, no matter what he needed. Food, drink, companionship, anything. Not that Wess ever demanded much, but he was sure to do what he could for him. However, the other probably noticed... now that he was in fact getting better, Bern did seem to be acting less and less warm toward him. Well, it wasn't that he was warm, but that he made less effort to comfort him so much. Perhaps he felt that he didn't need to, because the other was feeling so much better. Perhaps... he'd viewed it as a kind of necessary thing to keep the other from being so distressed. Perhaps he'd wished he had that kind of support when he, too, had been suffering trying to kick his own addiction. Though this strange... distancing himself might start feeling uncomfortable to Wess. And it would probably just get worse, given that their temporary moment of normalcy was going to be short-lived.
Bern returned from his classes that Friday. The weekend had come, and he was hoping to see Wess in good shape. He had noticed his improvements, and he was starting to think that they needed to go back to his place. There was still some cleaning to do, and rearranging, before he should be able to get back in. The more they could do, the better. He figured he'd have the time tonight to get things in order, if Wess wanted to do it.
He opened up the door to his apartment, knowing he'd see Wess there, like he had the past several days. It made him smile, just a little. But at the same time, he knew they would need to be separated soon, and they'd probably grow more apart. It wasn't because Bern wanted it; it was because it had to be that way. No matter how much he wanted, he couldn't let Wess get too close. Unfortunately, being involved wasn't going to end up being something that Wess could completely avoid.
"How are you?" he asked quietly, glancing to the thermostat. Wess had been better, so he thought maybe he should turn it up a bit more after he was gone, though having him sweating throughout the night thanks to his recovery had really made him determined to keep it colder than he liked. He hated how he got cold easily. He'd figured Wess did too, since he always wore a coat and scarf, and maybe that was the case when he was feeling normal, but not so much when he was recovering from his addiction.
~~~~~
"Fine, actually." Wess answered the other from his seat on the bed. And he looked fine, too... he wasn't so overly pale, or sweaty, or shaking anymore, and his voice had grown more strong and confident, as well as easy and elegant, as it had been before. He was wearing his jacket and scarf, too... There were still small things left, like the way it continued to be difficult for him to sleep at night, and how his appetite seemed to be just a bit too small, but for the most part he was alright.
He wasn't sure how to phrase the next part. He had been here for, what a week now? It felt longer than that... much longer. This place had become a kind of safe haven for him, a secure sanctuary where he could just focus on getting better, on beating his addiction and returning to normal life. And there was Bern, too... Still a source of warmth and comfort and something more, something Wess probably should have felt embarrassed and awkward about but was, for some reason, simply not. It probably didn't feel as much like losing something for Bern than it did for Wess, he figured, but that didn't make it easier for him to put into words that he wanted to leave, now. Or rather, that he probably should... There was some eagerness in that, though. Going back to his room would mean he had kicked this thing, well and truly, and he was ready to rejoin the world. He'd still have to do some cleaning, but that didn't much matter.
"I would like to..." He paused, frowning a bit. He looked troubled. "I think it is time I return to my own home." He hoped it didn't sound like he was trying to spare Bern's feelings, because he wasn't. He'd noticed that Bern had been pulling away from him, just a little... he couldn't possibly feel the same way about Wess that Wess felt about him. Actually, he sort of wondered if maybe Bern was starting to like him less in every respect, but... he hadn't made himself less available, certainly, and he hadn't given Wess any more reason to believe that.
~~~~~
Bern looked over him, considering how the other appeared. He looked healthy, for once. It had taken him a little while to get there, and while he was still scrawny, still not eating or sleeping quite right, he was better. He was much better, and it gave him a certain peace to see him this way. It had been a hard climb, but he was over the peak... right? He'd made it over that mountain. And he'd done it so much faster than Bern had, himself. Even though the drugs weren't necessarily comparable... It still gave him a hint of simultaneous shame and pride. Shame toward himself, for not being able to handle his own situation as well. And pride, for both of them. He'd helped Wess... and Wess had overcome this.
Perhaps now that he'd been here for so long, he'd continue to see this place as comfortable, as safe. Bern's room wasn't even his own, but he should begin to feel like his own home was a sanctuary again, after he returned to it. Though the time he spent in Bern's room, perhaps, would also feel safe from here on. If nothing else, it was probably better than the average place.
But now it really was time for him to go. Even though he made it sound like he was uncertain about leaving, Bern had known it was coming, and in some ways, he'd be glad to have a private space of his own again. Especially when there was so much he was trying to hide. So much he'd been prevented from accomplishing because of Wess. Well, he didn't regret it. He would, however, be glad to get back to it.
"Of course it is. I'll be glad to see you return," Bern replied, figuring he'd make it obvious that he was glad to see this as a sign of recovery, not a sign of rejection. "I'll come back with you; we can finish cleaning up and rearrange everything. I think you need to clean your paintings yourself. I'm afraid to damage them." He pulled on his jacket, preparing to leave with Wess.
When they got back to his place, they cleaned up the rest of the mess, and worked together to rearrange everything in the room. That was really going to help, giving Wess the feeling that things were different now; things were better now that he was past all this mess. Hopefully he didn't still have urges to get Tranquility now. Anyway, Bern was trusting him to not run off and find it now... Once the whole room was back in place, Bern stood back to take a look at it, asking Wess what he thought about it. And before they knew it, it was time for Bern himself to go back, and leave Wess alone... but empowered and independent again. And the relationship between them was definitely different now than it had been before this whole mess started.
A week or so later, things had been going well between them. They saw each other every so often, and spent a little time together. Bern was still not the most affectionate person in the world, but he accepted what Wess gave him. And seemed plenty preoccupied a good part of the time, like usual. Though things got weird the following Tuesday after that. That Tuesday, in the early evening, sometime after classes, Wess would hear an insistent knock on his door. When he opened it, he would find it was Bern. But he didn't look right somehow. He looked like he'd been running the whole way here. His hair was unkempt, a lot of it fallen out of his ponytail. There was something evasive, fearful, and heavy with intent in his shifting eyes. There was something crumpled in his hand, though Wess would probably not notice it, nor notice as he slipped it into his coat pocket. He was bent over ever slightly, both arms wrapped tightly around his chest, especially his left side.
"Wess, I need an immediate answer to this question," he breathed, taking in a new breath for his next sentence. "I need to know if I can stay here for an unknown amount of time. If I do, I cannot leave this room until further notice. Please tell me now. Yes or no." Yes, and he'd stay. No, and he'd leave, try to find some other place... He didn't expect the other to say yes, even though he'd done a similar thing for Wess. But what the hell was going on? Perhaps Wess would find out if he accepted him in... but it didn't seem that prying for information was a good idea right now.
~~~~~
Wess was content with the way things were going. He could still spend time around Bern, and now, it wasn't because he needed to. It was because they both wanted to, which was definitely far better. And he felt... safe, now. Not like he had before Glass Thoughts, and not like he had during his withdrawal. Because now he had Bern, and he knew that the other would be there for him, and he knew he was free of Glass Thoughts. While the desire for more had taken a few extra days to fade entirely, it was gone, now. He was free of it, and he was almost entirely certain he wouldn't go back, not ever. He was back to his old self, maybe more so... more careful, and while he still showed Bern a constant warmth and delicate kindness, as if he wanted there to be more but he wouldn't force it, he was colder towards others. There was more hatred there, now, for the dirty and the violent and the stupid. Rather than feeling sympathy towards Glass Thinkers and others in that world, he felt contempt, even a splash of fear... While he was better, now, he had also changed in those small respects, and it wasn't likely he would ever be changing back.
He had managed to convince his teachers to let him continue his classes, though most of them saddled him with mountains of back-work to finish. He worked hard, too, to make sure his job at the tavern was still something he could keep. He did pay the man what he could afford, though, in an attempt to make up for the mistakes he had made and the money he'd no doubt cost the place. Silence from him, too, was crucial; he knew what Wess had done, and if the authorities found out, Wess would be in jail for some time. He didn't need that. Wess had regained his health, too, for the most part; his appetite was back, and while he still had some trouble getting to sleep, it wasn't nearly as bad as it had been before.
Wess wasn't used to people coming to his door. Every so often the owner of the tavern might come by to talk to him about his job, his room, and that sort of thing, but that was usually on weekends, and he'd been there only two days before... so at first, Wess thought it was his father that was there, back to take advantage of his home and suck him into the hopeless place Wess had struggled so hard to escape. So when he opened the door, he looked cold at first... which dissolved the moment that image of Bern worked it's way into his surprised brain. Then he looked momentarily joyful, then... confused. What was Bern doing here? And why did he look so much a mess? That wasn't like him, he was usually so clean... and then he noticed the fear in his eyes, the way they darted about as if something was about to come out and... and he didn't know what. And he wasn't just crossing his arms, he was holding himself, he was crouched and... and was he hurt?!
His anger flared back up again, except this time it was heated and protective, and it showed more clearly on Wess's face than any emotion had, aside from when he was under or working out of the influence of Tranquility.
"Come in." Wess told the other, except this wasn't an invitation. He was demanding it. He stepped out of his doorway to put a hand on Bern's shoulder blade, and while he was gentle about it, the motion was firm and insisting. He was trying to guide Bern inside, and now. There was no hesitation in this decision, either; Bern had taken him in when he needed help, and Wess was going to do the same. He was worried, too, and he wanted to take a look at that side. If Bern was hurt, he needed to know, and he needed to fix it, too. Bern clearly needed shelter from the world.
Wess guided the other, his hand still firm on his back, to his bed. The cot that had been there before was gone, now, and Wess wasn't going to have the other sleep in it anyways. He'd go and get it for himself later, when he was certain Bern was okay.
He didn't even ask Bern if he was hurt, at first, just darted into his bathroom when he was certain Bern was seated and alright for the moment to dig up the few medical supplies he had: a small canvas bag, which contained some bandages, medical tape, medical glue, a curved needle, and some sturdy thread. He'd had a bottle of painkilling charm before, as well as one of disinfectant, but he hadn't trusted himself enough after his ordeal with Glass Thoughts to keep either around. He would have to restock that, he supposed... When he had found that bag, Wess hurried out of the bathroom again, finally shut the door to his room, and returned to stand before Bern.
"Are you hurt?" He asked, his voice still demanding, but the edges softened some with worry. He'd jumped to that conclusion a moment before, when he'd seen Bern grasping at himself like that, but he knew that didn't make him unquestionably right. And he needed to have Bern's confirmation and consent before he started prying at the skin beneath the jacket, checking and cleaning his assumed wound. Once he worried about that, he could worry about what else was going on, and why Bern was actually here. Why he was hurt and frightened, and why he needed to stay with Wess so badly.
~~~~~
It was unfortunate that the other's whole world view was changed from his experience, at least in a way that could be considered bad. But he'd gone through some horrible things... and he'd almost become one of those people he considered dirty and filthy and stupid... and that frightening thought had to be haunting him. No wonder he'd changed this way... but at the same time, it was sad that he had to feel so negatively toward those who were going through the same plight he had. A plight he would still have, if he hadn't had help getting out of it in the first place. Though Bern didn't care whether he had more sympathy toward those people at all. He could care less. The two of them were close, and that was what mattered.
Bern had helped convince his teachers to let him back into his classes, as well. He had found out who Wess's teachers were, and sought audience with them to discuss what the other had been through. Granted, he couldn't tell the details. He could, however, provide a detailed account of what it was like, as he had been there for so much of it, and that probably helped Wess a lot. At least he'd been able to continue classes, and he was working hard to make sure that he would be able to graduate. He didn't have to drop his classes that semester, and that would help a lot. Especially considering the cost of the university.
Bern had certainly come to his door for a reason that was very serious. He'd never seen Bern quite like this before. But the fear he'd noticed briefly in his eyes didn't stay long. It was replaced with a sort of pain, instead, which further supported that he was hurt in some way. He didn't waste any time as the other "guided" him in, and walked in quickly, only feeling comfortable when the other had closed the door. He didn't need anyone seeing him here, knowing he was here at all. And what was worse was that he didn't know how much he could tell Wess. It sure had been a good thing he was at home, otherwise Bern would have basically disappeared without notice for god knows how long... He had no idea how long it would be. All he knew was what he'd found on the note. A note that had almost gotten him killed... His timing had been terrible. But he had managed to escape.
Bern sat down on the bed as the other kind of forcefully guided him there. This was going to be awkward. He knew he was wounded, and he knew he would need to sew the wound. He'd have to do it himself. He wasn't going to let Wess take off his shirt... No, that was something he still could not allow him to do. There were too many secrets beneath the cloth... at least opening the front would be a possibility. The place where he'd been injured would make it awkward and difficult, but he had to do it himself. There was no way he was letting Wess do it. He wasn't letting him take off his shirt, he wasn't letting him sew him up. As badass as it might have seemed, he knew he'd be able to manage it himself.
As the other stepped into the bathroom, Bern figured he'd have to take a look at the wound. He'd been wearing his coat already; he had, in fact, returned to his room after classes, but he'd left briefly to go check on something. And all this had happened in that time period. He had nothing but his coat, not his schoolwork, books, or any of those things. It was probably best. Looking under the material, he grimaced. It was worse than he thought. A nice deep cut on his side, several inches underneath his armpit. At least that was the worst of it. The blood was pouring down, though, the moment he pulled the fabric away, so he tucked his arm back down to attempt to stem the flow of blood as much as possible. It was like he'd been waiting for him or something. Like he was the main target. And maybe he was... Maybe that was why he'd been contacted first...
When the other returned from the bathroom, he made sure he kept his wound hidden, his shirt unbuttoned but held down with his arms. "Yes, and I'll take care of it, Wess, given the right tools. You need not concern yourself with it." He wasn't really looking at him right now. Clearly whatever had happened had put a lot on his mind, but would he actually tell Wess anything? Perhaps Wess was beginning to feel that the answer would be 'no'. He already seemed to be trying to keep him out of this... would that mean he wouldn't tell him anything? Even though he was clearly in some kind of danger? Otherwise there was no way he'd come here asking to stay for an unknown amount of time, looking disheveled, out of breath, even injured... Someone or something was after him, was trying to hurt him... had hurt him... right?
~~~~~
Wess was, of course, curious about what was going on with Bern. He wanted to know, even felt he had something of a right, at least for the basics. He had no idea how serious this was, what connotations it held, what kind of danger would follow... even if all Bern had asked for, really, was a hiding place, Wess felt he needed to give more. Bern had done so much for him, and become so important to him, and Wess really, truly cared about him. He definitely felt some kind of protectiveness for Bern, too... which was simply the way Wess worked; he tended to make himself responsible for the well-being of those he cared about, and when he failed in that respect, deep concern and anger followed. And how could he make sure Bern was alright when he didn't know anything about what was going on?
But he could wait. He needed to make sure Bern was physically okay before he delved into that, and he had to be certain that he was mentally and emotionally well enough to share these things with Wess, too. He didn't know what had happened; it could have been something scarring, something Bern preferred to bury deep and never think about. He just... wanted to make sure he did this the right way, the careful way, and he could make sure the other was well and safe to the best of his ability.
"Absolutely not." Wess replied firmly when the other insisted on taking care of the lesion himself, "I am not going to allow you to struggle through this yourself when I can do just as good a job, if not better, given my shockingly wound-free state; however, I do need to fetch some painkilling and disinfectant charm from the owner, and that..." He paused, his eyes searching what little he could see of the gash. Some blood, and... given the way Bern was holding his arm down, it was deep. It seemed he was trying to stop the flow of blood, which meant there was a lot of it, and he might be in some danger of blood loss... or at least soiling Wess's sheets. Either seemed likely, knowing Bern. "That appears to need some cleaning first. If you truly think yourself capable of keeping upright through that process, feel free to use my bathroom while I leave for a moment. I have extra shirts there," he gestured in the direction of his dresser, "so there is no need to be careful with your's." He hated to leave Bern alone, even for the short moment it would take him to get the things he needed, but it was necessary. He would bring the bag of medical supplies, too, to make sure Bern wasn't trying to stick needles through his skin while he was alone, low on blood, and already in pain.
~~~~~
Bern had been holding himself carefully, knowing about how bad the wound had gotten. It had soaked into his shirt and jacket quite a bit already; he'd been glad he was wearing a jacket, for that matter, because it was doing a decent job at stemming the flow of blood. But he'd done this before. He'd sewn himself up, he'd bandaged himself without any issues. He was no expert, but it was something he knew how to do out of necessity. Granted, Wess probably didn't think that was the case, but Bern would prove him wrong. Because he wasn't going to let him sew himself up.
"I've done this under more duress than I am now, Wess; I can handle it myself," he insisted, still holding himself while waiting for the other to get what he apparently needed. And finally give it to him, at that. He was going to fight this, because there was no fucking way he was letting Wess take his shirt off. He could -not- risk the other seeing anything he shouldn't. Though as he offered him the use of his bathroom, Bern did feel better about the whole situation. If he could have a chance to try and clean this the best he could on his own, he would. Getting the bleeding to slow down was the first thing he needed to take care of, so he would get a cloth and apply more pressure to the wound to stem the blood flow. There was only so much he could do with his own coat and arm. Though, getting a towel would help a lot. It would give the blood something to absorb into instead of dripping down his side.
He groaned, however, when the other picked up the bag of medical supplies to take with him. Here he'd wanted to get started, at least... but it seemed Wess wasn't going to let him. Fine, he'd work on getting the blood to stop. He gave the other a slightly dirty look, though, recognizing what he was doing, before getting up and moving to the bathroom to try cleaning himself up a bit and getting the blood flow to slow down.
And that was where Wess would find him when he got back — his coat shed, and the entire side of his shirt a dull red from absorbing the blood. He had a towel tucked under his arm, and it seemed that he'd cleaned up. He was just waiting for Wess to get back now, though he didn't look particularly... well, yet. It wasn't that he looked like he was going to collapse from blood loss, more that he had a lot of things on his mind, and getting all this taken care of was only the first of them.
~~~~~
Wess could honestly care less how many times Bern had done this himself. Well... okay, that wasn't true. He cared a whole lot, and the idea that Bern had been through worse was definitely an upsetting thing to think about. But that didn't make him more willing to let him do it all himself now. Why the hell should he let him take care of this himself, when Wess could do the same, and probably better? He wasn't in pain, he wasn't lacking blood, and he would have better reach as well. There was no fathomable reason to let Bern do this on his own, even if he would now have to wait an extra minute or two.
But it really was only an extra minute. Wess actually ran down to get what he needed, and while he managed to appear calm while the owner got him what he needed, he managed to rush him and get back quickly. He would get the cot later; now wasn't the time.
When Wess returned, he was glad to see that Bern was still upright and okay, and that he'd found a towel to help staunch and catch the flow of blood. He knew Bern was reluctant, but this was something he was going to push for. And perhaps if Bern told him what the problem with it was, he would make sure he was still comfortable... he had scissors, he could remove just part of the shirt to patch Bern up, and send him into the bathroom with bandages and a clean shirt to do the rest. Wess wanted to help, and making Bern so uncomfortable wasn't going to do much in that respect. But he was going to insist on this part, the cleaning and, it seemed, the stitching. The part he was certain it would be better for him to do.
"I need you to sit on my bed again." Wess told the other when he re-entered the room, bag still in his hand, and the charms he'd retrieved in the other. He hadn't bothered to put them in while making his way back to his room. "I do not care how well you think you can do this on your own. It would be ridiculous for you to try, when I am here without wounds, or pain, and with both hands and a better angle available. I am not incompetent, either. So unless you have a good reason, you need to sit down on my bed, remove the towel and shirt, and let me do this." He didn't care how many dirty looks and groans Bern gave him; he had his reasons, and he was making them clear, and he could see no reason on Bern's side for him to insist he do this all himself.
~~~~~
Wess could care less, but the fact that he'd done it should have supported that he could still do it, and probably not do a bad job at all. Meanwhile, had Wess ever sewn up a wound before? Perhaps Bern was unsure of whether he could do it or not. He could trust himself to do it right, if no one else, right? That made sense. Though it still wasn't to say that the other's reassurance was going to work, if he wanted to try...
Anyway, Bern was not going to let him take off the shirt. And he was going to be extremely nervous about him even trying to remove a portion of the shirt. When the other insisted, and even started trying to take off his shirt, Bern held it on around him in the same way he'd been using the staunch the blood before he had a towel. "Don't you even fucking DARE take off my shirt", was the kind of thing he was hissing at the other between clenched teeth. Perhaps he was self-conscious about something... but what? There were so many questions that Wess surely wanted to ask. And so much that Bern didn't want to tell.
When the other kept fighting to sew the wound up himself, he'd probably be surprised at how much of a fight Bern really put up about this. He really wanted to do it on his own, for whatever reason. No matter what Wess did, Bern somehow came up with a way to push his hands away until they were outright fighting about this. And Wess probably wasn't anticipating just how good Bern was at struggling with him like this... he was actually kind of talented at keeping the other from touching him. But eventually, both of them would come to realize that this wasn't doing Bern any good, and he was just getting weak from his blood loss and the lack of adrenaline. So despite even more struggling, and more arguing which practically escalated into screaming, Bern still ended up weakened, too much to really do this himself and keep a steady hand.
"...Fine," he finally breathed. "Do what you want. But you can't take off my shirt. Just cut away that part." He was as well aware as Wess was that this shirt was going to be unsalvageable. But he swore to God, if Wess took off his shirt anyway, he might not see the light of day again... He closed his eyes, a bit tightly, sitting down on the bed and, finally, letting the other get a look at the wound.
~~~~~
Wess didn't like upsetting Bern so much, but he still saw cleaning and sewing the wound as something he needed to do. He hadn't ever actually sewn up a wound before, but he had the supplies, and he had made sure after getting them that he knew how to use them correctly. He wasn't necessarily practiced, but he could do it just fine. Better, he was convinced, than Bern would be able to in this state.
And he was glad, when the other finally gave in. He didn't really want to make him uncomfortable, and he wasn't going to force Bern to take his shirt off all the way, because obviously that was what the problem here was. Or... maybe he had some stupid fear of not being able to do everything himself, or he simply didn't trust Wess to do this well. Whatever it was, Wess didn't wholly understand what the problem was, which was why he kept arguing despite Bern's discomfort, and his hands kept drifting back, insistent but not altogether forceful, to at least check the wound, feel the cloth away... He just wanted to make sure Bern was alright. Which was why he was relieved when the other agreed to compromise, though he did feel some guilt in letting that argument spiral so out of proportion, and in making Bern expend all of that energy in doing so.
Wess didn't say much when the other agreed, just muttered a quick, relieved Thank you," and let him sit, before pulling the back out and kneeling down next to him. There was no smug smirk, no hint of victory in his features, but rather relief, and then concentration and concern. He pulled a pair of scissors out of the bag and took Bern's towel, then started carefully peeling the cloth of his shirt away from the wound and snipping it off. He wasn't sure where the wound itself was, or how big it was, and he would have preferred to get a full view of it, but obviously that wasn't going to happen. So instead he started with a small rectangle in the middle of the spot of blood on the shirt, then started working his way out as he figured out where the wound was. Trying to compensate for his earlier lack of respect regarding Bern's discomfort, he left as little room around the sides as he could, without hindering his ability to actually tend to the wound.
He was silent while he patched Bern up, and his fingers were careful and steady. His skill as a painter and pianist was, evidently, something that carried over. Bern would probably feel quite a bit of pain from the disinfectant, as well as from the stitches, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. Wess was precise, and obviously knew what he was doing, even if he hadn't ever actually done it to a person before. He made mistakes, of course, but they were minute.
When he finished, Wess put his things away and straightened, handing Bern the roll of bandages from the bag. He remained silent until he had fished a shirt out of his drawers, then handed it to the other and gestured towards his bathroom. "I am aware of your reluctance to remove your shirt, but you do need to take it off. I assume you can bandage the lesion yourself, in my bathroom, and you should probably keep this shirt. I will get you a new one, one that will properly fit, tomorrow."
~~~~~
He definitely had upset Bern, whether he liked it or not. He'd gotten the other to fight with him to the point that he was now in a bit of what could be called torpor, a combination of blood loss and exhaustion caused by his adrenaline finally fading. He definitely didn't look all there. Perhaps he'd been doing a lot more to hide his true exhaustion than Wess had originally thought. He'd done the same thing back when he'd met him that one day, and Wess had invited him to the tavern for supper and all... So he had a track record of pushing himself too hard. Granted, that was probably exactly why Wess was reluctant to let him do something that required such attention to detail and awareness. While Wess started to cut away at his shirt, revealing the wound, he was near motionless, and his eyes still hadn't opened... but they also still seemed to be shut too tightly, not at all in peace. It was a good thing that Wess didn't try to push him, try to take off his shirt anyway, because who would have known what he might do? That said, he might not have been able to stop him at that point.
The silence from Bern was probably almost uncomfortable to Wess as he started sewing up his wound, but he would finally get a reaction from him every so often, a slight flinch when the needle pierced his skin, or the vaguest shudder at feeling the disturbing sensation of the string being pulled through. It really was uncomfortable, if Wess had ever had a wound sewn up himself. All of this was, unfortunately, quite painful, though he didn't react too much to it, which probably said something about Wess's skill, despite not having the experience. He had proven that his delicate fingers were well suited for this activity, too.
When the other handed him the bandages, it was almost like Bern was waking up from a dream temporarily. He accepted them, staring at them for a moment, then looked up at the other as he handed him the shirt. At least he was willing to give him privacy while he changed... He didn't mind taking it off in privacy. So he went to the bathroom as directed, carefully noting the job Wess had done once the door was closed. He was impressed, honestly. Though he cringed as he had to pull his arms back to remove the shirt, revealing the secret he'd meant to keep hidden. Another painful stretch as he had to move his body and arms to pull on the shirt Wess had given him. It would certainly do; the two of them didn't have vastly different body types. After he'd put it on and buttoned it up, he took a moment to stare at himself in the mirror. It had been close, that was true. He could have died, had he not been as alert as he was. He knew the other had gone after him first, and he knew it was for a reason. It was still hard to accept, though. On that piece of paper crumpled in his pocket was the warning he'd almost gotten too late. If he hadn't... that attack could have ended up a fatal blow.
~~~~~
Wess only waited a little while for Bern to finish in the bathroom, then grew restless. He should probably stick around to make sure the other was alright, but he also needed to get him something to eat, now, to boost his energy, and he did eventually need to get that cot... Making up his mind, he shouted to Bern that he was going to leave for just a moment, then rushed down to the bar again. He didn't want to waste time trying to lug things around, and somehow end up with Bern falling on his floor and injuring himself again, so he told one of the waiters that he needed some things brought up to his room and left again, returning to his room again within a couple of minutes.
Wess still wasn't clear at all on the situation, and now that he was done fixing up the other's gash, he allowed himself to dwell on it some. It was pretty clear that Bern was being sought out by someone, who was almost certainly dangerous, and had been the one to inflict that wound. Which, he now noted, had been awfully close to his heart... that must have been intended as a killing blow. Which meant Bern was being sought after by someone, or someones, that wanted him dead. He felt like his problem with his shirt had to tie into that somehow as well, since it was pretty unlikely he was only embarrassed, but he couldn't be sure. And what about his gun? Bern still had a gun... He had probably been aware for a long time that he needed to protect himself. Was he involved in something that put him at risk? There were plenty of practices that could get him into some serious trouble... maybe it was a gang of some kind, and he hadn't wanted to take his shirt off because of some gang tattoo. Or maybe he was involved in making or dealing drugs, or even something more secretive... if it involved his problem with his shirt, though, Wess doubted he was going to get anything out of him any time soon.
A while later a waitress would bring up two meals and a cot, along with some extra blankets and pillows. Wess had wanted to keep the presence of someone extra a secret, but he figured doing that while also asking for an extra place to sleep wasn't really going to be possible. So, fine, he would keep up the visitor image for a night or two. But then he would go back to one meal a night, and act like he'd forgotten to bring the cot down again until it was safe for Bern to leave. He could start playing more, acting like he wanted the extra pocket money, and bring in some groceries for extra food. He would need to get Bern some clothes, too... unless it was okay for Wess to visit his dorm?
~~~~~
Bern heard the other yelling out to him, telling him that he was going elsewhere briefly... Bern didn't mind. He took a deep breath, still thinking on how close things really had been. One false move, and he might not be alive anymore. According to the letter, though, he shouldn't have anything to worry about. He had backup, after all. Someone was going to take care of this problem while he escaped. That was what he'd found out... almost a moment too late. He remembered, though, that he'd not been the only one who'd taken damage. He reached into his back pocket, pulling out his butterfly, which was stained thoroughly with blood. The only reason he'd managed to get away was because he'd injured the other, too. Maybe worse than he'd managed to get him, seeing as he'd been the one able to escape. If he hadn't kept going, he might have not made it. Then he'd be the one collapsing. And he'd be the one dead, not the one who had attacked him.
While he wasn't clear on the situation, perhaps he wasn't quite thinking along the same lines. Whatever it was, he hadn't seen or heard anything of it the entire time he'd been in Bern's room. Nothing in his room had looked unusual; he didn't disappear at odd times, and besides the gun, there wasn't really anything suspicious within his own room. Wouldn't a real gangster have all sorts of things to hide in their own safe haven? Especially one who lived in a school and didn't have a roommate? He wouldn't have a problem hiding anything in his room. But he hadn't had anything to hide. And even when he'd left Wess there, he hadn't taken his gun with him when he went to classes or anything. Wess could have honestly gone through everything in his room if he had wanted to. He wouldn't be so negligent as to allow that if there was something terrible he could find out about him... or find in his room... right?
If he really wanted to keep it a secret that he had a guest, perhaps bringing up the cot was something he shouldn't do. And bringing in food from outside would be important too; the two of them could share meals... Perhaps he could change his mind about the cot. If nothing else, it would make it a lot less obvious that someone was staying there. That would mean someone might have to sleep on the floor, but perhaps they could arrange something creative. He'd have to think about it a little more, maybe. He would just have to ask Bern about whether he could go back to his dorm or not... Otherwise, Bern would probably insist on the other not getting any clothing for him; he wouldn't mind wearing Wess's clothes. He didn't want to cause the other to spend money he barely had on him...
After he finished washing his butterfly of the assailant's blood, he heard the other's door open, and folded it up, placing it back in his back pocket. It was probably best that Wess didn't see this, either.
~~~~~
Wess waited a few minutes after the waitress came with the things he'd asked for for Bern to come out again, but when he'd finished setting up the cot and the other still wasn't out, he began to worry. He hadn't slipped in there, had he? Or fallen unconscious? He was tempted to go in and check, but he knew he shouldn't betray Bern's trust now, and he didn't want to. If the other still had his shirt off, he wasn't going to forgive Wess for stealing a look, as bad as he wanted to, now...
"Are you alright in there?" He asked Bern through the door, "I had a waitress bring us something to eat, and a cot for myself." He waited a moment, then continued, "She and possibly the owner will know that I have a visitor tonight, but I will change that tomorrow. I will bring in some groceries sometime tomorrow morning." He hadn't decided yet if he would actually go to classes the next day, figuring he should probably base that off of how stable Bern seemed in the morning. Though, if he was being sought out by someone skilled enough, Wess should probably leave as little evidence possible that someone was even staying with him... it might not be very suspicious for him to leave for a day, however, after so many absences just a couple of weeks ago. He'd just have to see how Bern was in the morning, he guessed. It would probably be okay either way.
When Bern came back out and the two ate, Wess decided that it was probably just a good idea for Bern to sleep, though Wess himself wasn't exactly tired. In fact, he was wide awake with curiosity and worry, and he probably would be for some time... So he offered Bern some new pants to sleep in and then went to change his own clothes in the bathroom, and when he got back out again the both of them would go to bed.
Wess didn't sleep that night, not at all. His mind was buzzing with thought, wondering what could be going on with Bern, and if he would be okay... if either of them would be okay. He knew he was endangering himself by housing Bern, and while it didn't sway his decision to keep him there, it certainly added a lot to the pile of things he had to worry about. It didn't really occur to him that a gangster would have a lot to hide in his own home, mostly because Wess had made up his mind that that was the most likely possibility, and... well, Bern was smart. He would be more careful than that, surely. That was just too obvious.
After hours of tossing and turning, long after the sun had gone down and midnight had passed, Wess gave up and sat up in his bed, staring across the small room at Bern's sleeping, half-visible form. He hadn't once been able to stop thinking about him, and it was driving him a little mad. Not in the romantic way, either; in the way that he still didn't know what was going on with him, that he was still a fucking mystery, and even more so than he'd been before. And he had been thinking about it so long, now, that he'd begun to justify forcing a look, in his mind... if he didn't know what Bern was running from and why, he didn't know the danger. He didn't know what he should watch out for, how serious it was, what precautions to take... Bern could be placing them both in a whole lot of danger by not telling him. And he wasn't going to tell him... he was too... too frightened, and reluctant, and whatever else for that. Too worried. Wess wasn't going to get anything out of him for several days, if at all. And how much could really happen in those days? He could slip up, put him in even greater danger...
It had to be under his shirt, he thought. It was all under his shirt, whatever it really was. That was what he was hiding, that was what would give Wess a clue as to what was going on. If he could just look at it without Bern even knowing, just peek, and get some idea as to what was going on... he wouldn't have to know that Wess had seen. Wess could just ask him again in another few days, a decoy, and in the mean time he could make sure to take all the right steps...
Slowly, careful to remain quiet, Wess stood and crossed the room. Bern was laying on his side, facing him already, which made things fairly easy... he folded back the blankets over him to expose his torso, and leaned across the bed, carefully undoing the buttons. He couldn't see much in the dark room, but the moonlight flooding in through his window helped some. His fingers, so perfectly steady, didn't allow the fabric of the shirt to brush up against the other's skin while he worked, being so, so careful...
~~~~~
Wess would probably be better off not risking skipping class. He'd already skipped so much class thanks to his momentary addiction to Glass Thoughts. Taking any time off classes at all would be a big mistake... so that wasn't something he could do. Besides, Bern would surely find ways to deal with things while the other was away. He was just staying here; it wasn't like it was a vacation or like he was going to be entertained. He was probably in far too much danger to enjoy any moment of this. But the fact that he wasn't leaving this place would probably make it pretty damn difficult to find him.
However, while Wess kept considering some really uncomfortable things about what must have been going on with Bern, things that Bern was making very clear he would not reveal... Maybe Wess just wasn't pressing him in the right ways. Or looking for information elsewhere. While the other was sleeping, if he had the foresight, he could try checking in Bern's coat pockets. While he didn't necessarily know there was anything there, it was someplace that he might find some information... and in fact, there was something there. A note that had led Bern to run. Perhaps it would give him some insight as to what was going on... And if he did in fact get it, he would have the choice of coming to Bern with questions or not. He'd probably not get to learn anything if he did. He might even get in trouble. But that decision would end up being up to him.
When Wess offered him pants to sleep in, Bern took them gratefully enough, and switched his butterfly knife into them when he changed them. Even here, he didn't want to be away from a weapon, but who could blame him after all that had already happened? He was scared, and he had good reason to be, after being cut open by a knife that was intended to kill him. Despite all that had happened, however, as soon as he was settled into bed, laying down and relaxing, he was exhausted already, and fell to sleep easily, completely unlike Wess. To some degree, the other must have been jealous of him, so easily able to rest. Though being injured probably didn't help. He'd lost a lot of blood and he'd run the whole way here while injured, too. So it all made sense that he would be able to sleep so easily. Wess, on the other hand, was suffering from a lack of sleep because there was so much he should have known and yet didn't know. And wouldn't know, as far as Bern was concerned.
He seemed so adamant about discovering what it was that Bern was trying to hide underneath that shirt. However, would it answer any questions he had at all? What if it didn't? What if what he was trying to hide was just a hint to something, or something that Wess wouldn't recognize? He hadn't thought much about that, had he? He just wanted to know what it was, his curiosity overwhelming him. But curiosity wasn't always a good thing. Sometimes it just got a person into trouble... and perhaps this was a case when it would. If Bern was in danger, couldn't that possibly mean that Wess was in danger if he knew about it? Sure, there was danger in Bern not telling him... but Wess wouldn't be able to tell just from that whether or not there wasn't even more danger of knowing. Still... the desire had to be there.
As he attempted to find this out on his own, he'd have to move very carefully. Even though Bern was probably fast asleep thanks to everything, he couldn't make any false moves, or he'd be caught. He would just have to try and open up that shirt, and then he'd find out what the other was hiding, wouldn't he? That was all... then he would know, and he'd have to button that shirt once more, to prevent Bern from knowing that he'd found out. This might not be easy. Still, he was going to do it...
As he undid each little button holding the shirt together, one by one, there was no sign of Bern stirring at all. He was doing a good job... the other was still fast asleep. He got through all the buttons, and would probably pull the two sides of his shirt apart to reveal... that nothing looked odd on his chest. Nothing at all. Huh, did that mean that what he was trying to hide was on his back, then? Would he even be able to see what it was? Perhaps if he was able to slip his shoulder out, then he could look down the back of his shirt in between the fabric and the other's body. That would probably be the only way he'd manage to see his back without really disturbing Bern...
But as he started to do that, the other suddenly sprung to life. A hand shot out and grabbed his throat, just under his jaw, in a position where it put pressure on the sides of his neck, and lifted. It was painful, uncomfortable, and made it hard to breathe. But he wouldn't have any time to think about how that felt before the other had used the leverage he'd gained by lifting his jaw to free the arm underneath his body, which sent a fist right at his solar plexus. That hit would leave Wess stunned and breathless, a weakness spreading through his body, his whole world swimming as he probably collapsed to his knees. Bern had just hit two powerful pressure points in an attempt to stop him, but thankfully, he hadn't hit anything that would cause lasting damage. This was just to stun him long enough for Bern to get his wits and attack for real, if he was someone he should be worried about... But it wasn't. It was Wess, and Bern realized that a fraction of a second after he attacked.
"Fuck... fuck! Wess, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." He slid off the cot after him, kneeling on the ground where the other had collapsed, holding him upright. However, he'd noticed his shirt was open; he'd realized why he'd woken up and had such a dramatic reaction... It was because the other was trying to get under his goddamn shirt! He clenched his teeth, anger surfacing for a second. "I TOLD you not to take off my shirt!" He figured that was warning enough to prevent the other from doing something dumb like that again. That was exactly why he'd reacted the way he did, and while he was still sorry because he hadn't meant to hurt the other, he wasn't necessarily apologetic, because he hadn't done it for no reason. He stayed where he was, supporting the other, however, until he managed to come back to his senses, which also gave him time for his anger to cool off. When he was sure the other wasn't completely out of it, he continued. "I can't trust you if you keep pushing me like this. I don't tell you these things for no reason. You're just going to have to trust me, or I'm not going to be able to trust you..."
~~~~~
Terror shot through Wess when the other woke, cold and shocking, and he tried to move away from Bern. He was aware of how upset Bern would be if he woke to find him doing this... actually, he had assumed it would be more than what did happen. He was afraid already, but he also felt like he needed to know, and this was the only way he would find out. He didn't even think of Bern's jacket, which could potentially have something in it... he'd just assumed. So when Bern reached out and grabbed him like that he stopped immediately, frozen with fear. He had hardly even realized the pain in his throat, before Bern's fist shot out and slammed into his chest, knocking the air and the strength out of him and sending him straight to his knees. The terror ebbed for a moment, replaced instead by the need to breath and get up, find his strength, find... find the ground, which he seemed to have misplaced... he couldn't really tell what was what for a few moments, which was added to his fear when he regained his ability to breath and think and see properly.
And then there was Bern beside him, and he shut his eyes tight, the cold fear flooding back with new force. Except this time it was accompanied by regret, and by embarrassment, and... well, there was still a part of him that felt he was justified, but it had been pushed back violently by Bern's sudden reaction and the fear he'd brought with it.
"I'm sorry..." he mumbled, his voice hoarse, and rubbed at his face. "I am sorry. I know you did. I know." He let out a shuddering breath. "I know I should not have... I betrayed your trust, I know." Wess paused a moment, working to straighten out his thoughts and properly phrase this next bit, then spoke again, "But you are hiding something, and you will not tell me, and I... I will not refuse you a place here, not ever. Do not mistake what I am saying for that. But you are staying here, and you are being pursued by something obviously dangerous. It tried to kill you, it certainly succeeded in hurting you. If I am to take the proper steps in ensuring you are safe here, I need to know from what it is you are hiding." He lifted his gaze to meet Bern's. He still looked frightened, and guilty, but there was also plenty of seriousness in it. He wasn't joking, and it was something he knew was right, and he certainly believed in. "I hope you are not remaining quiet because you think it will protect me, because it could do quite the opposite. And I do not... I do not want to invade your privacy. I do not want to betray your trust, and I know I should not have done that, but I do also know that you are not going to tell me anything on your own. Or rather, you... you didn't seem like you would." Now his words seemed weaker, less sure, and he lowered his gaze again. "I want there to be trust between us. I... care about you, I do not want you to think I do not. But with that comes a will for me to keep you safe. I need to know certain things to do that."
~~~~~
Wess definitely wouldn't have had enough time to react, it had only been a matter of a second at most before he'd grabbed him by the throat, lifted him up enough to free his arm, and punched him. And, for that matter, realized it was Wess and not an attacker. But he had warned him! He'd warned him not to do this! And perhaps he should have expected the other to react this way, particularly because he had thought he was being attacked in the middle of the night. When he finally managed to come back to his senses, he was probably impressed with what Bern had been able to do... half asleep and injured, at that! Without a doubt, he had some serious training in combat, whether he looked like he did or not. And for all Wess knew, that was why he was alive now, instead of dead wherever he'd been stabbed. He'd managed to avoid a fatal blow in the first place, and that was probably not by chance, as Wess had just gotten to experience.
He'd probably realize a moment after calming down that Bern was holding him. He was doing it partially because he knew the other had been hit pretty hard, and would possibly be dazed for some time, which might cause him to fall and bang his head on something. But he kept holding him, even after the other had clearly recovered. It seemed that he really was apologetic. He had been embarrassed by doing this to Wess, as he'd woken up and acted on instinct, not considered who might be there. Though the other had been up to no good, and probably kind of deserved what he got, it still wasn't particularly good.
Bern gave a soft sigh at the other's hasty apology. He shook his head gently, in response. "I know exactly who's pursuing me. He's the one who almost gutted me. I also know I'm safe here, and you're safe here, because he doesn't know about you. He couldn't have followed me; I got away from him. So you don't have to worry. I have backup, and they will take care of him. I'll receive notice from them when he is taken care of. The person who will contact me is an expert tracker, and he'll find me to let me know when it's safe. Until then, I cannot be safe in the open, should this pursuer find me. That's why I need to stay out of sight, out of the public eye. He's probably not even looking for me anymore, since he failed once..." Bern took a deep breath, hoping that his words were getting through to the other. "I understand your concerns, I really do. But you can put them to rest." He reached out and brushed his hand through the hair on his forehead, much like he had a couple times during the days he was recovering from the addiction to Glass Thoughts. It was almost as though Bern had adopted this as a way to calm the other down. "And in the situation that something should happen, and you should get caught up in this, I would fight to the death to keep you safe." He took a deep breath, pained, and then moved a hand over to his side. He'd moved rather suddenly to attack Wess; the side that he'd punched with had been the side he'd had the stitches put in. He didn't think they'd torn, but he wanted to make sure anyway. Patting the stitches with his fingertips, he didn't feel any dampness, which would be indicative of blood. "...Hmm... well, we can say your stitches are good and tight. Not that I ever meant to test them." The corner of his mouth turned up into a slight grin at his comment, the first thing close to a smile that he'd seen since Bern had come to him like this.
About at this point, he realized that he still had one arm wrapped around Wess to support him, and he let go, flushing slightly, again glad to have his hair hide it, from where it mostly showed on his ears. "I know the details, and I am careful. So trust me. And don't press me for anything else. I can't tell you any more. You know too much as it is. You don't want yourself to be in danger, but if you keep pressing, if you learn things you shouldn't... you will."
~~~~~
With the world still swimming slightly around him, Wess hadn't really processed everything that had gone on. Rather, he had been focused on gathering his thoughts in a straight, organized line so that he could speak them properly... Which seemed to have the intended effect on the other. He was relieved to hear Bern's voice go from angry to explanatory, even softer, glad the storm was over. He still felt guilty, of course, to have betrayed Bern's trust, but he'd expected so much more anger and... well, he was glad that he hadn't gotten that. The physical attack had been enough.
Where had that come from, though? He'd been so quick to attack, and definitely damn good at it, too... Bern had known exactly what to do, and he had been on alert, too. Which told Wess that he was probably involved in some dangerous shit, and he had practice in defending himself like this, too. Or at least training. Really, all of this was just enforcing the idea that Bern was involved in some kind of crazy gang.
Wess had noticed the arm around him, there perhaps a little too long, and he honestly appreciated it. While he could have steadied himself just fine at that point, and for the most part he was, it was nice to have the little extra support, and his feelings hadn't much changed about Bern... it was nice. It felt nice, as did the hand combing through his hair. Intimate, and comforting, and nice. So when the arm left him and Bern moved away, Wess grabbed for his hand, partly wanting to let Bern know that the touch was okay, even more than okay, and partly because he wanted it back again. If Bern pulled away from that too, though, Wess would easily drop it.
"As you wish." He mumbled to the other in response, after a long moment. He wasn't sure what else to say, and honestly even this felt like he wasn't quite saying what he meant. Sort of like how Bern's actions always seemed to mean something other than what he was thinking, this seemed to mean something completely different from what he was feeling. Not that it wasn't true in that moment, though. He would do what Bern asked of him, and remain out of it. He was still curious, though, and he would continue to be curious, and that curiosity was definitely going to chew at his resolve. But he fully intended to resist the urge to push Bern and invade his privacy.
~~~~~
In some ways, Bern supposed he felt guilty. Well, guilty because of what he'd done so quickly without thinking. It had been little more than a reflex, an impulse... But he figured by now that the other has forgiven him for attacking so quickly. He hoped, anyway. But he had still been trying to be as apologetic as possible, because he'd done something that was definitely not fair at all to him. Though it did seem that the things that were going on were dangerous, and Wess was probably still feeling like everything pointed to the same option. He had really gotten it in his head that Bern must have been part of a gang. He would probably continue thinking along those lines as long as he had information that seemed to support it. Though the fact that he thought about it that way was probably good for Bern. He'd automatically gone to a less than desirable option. Bern didn't care if he was being seen as something like a criminal from the other's perspective... Given the situation he was in, he would rather have that be the case than him finding out what he was really doing, at least before it became necessary.
Bern had a bad feeling, though. With these recent developments that had required him to hide, well... what that had told him was that he wasn't necessarily safe, at least not for long. But the important part was that he wouldn't necessarily be attacked without warning, at least not after it was certain that this threat was no longer so. He had plenty to contemplate, if his safety was what was on his mind. It would probably only be a matter of time now. Though he wasn't sure how long. It could be that they would pretend not to notice. It would take some time for them to figure out, anyway... Oh, none of this was important right now. Right now he should probably help Wess to bed.
He stood up slowly, though was surprised to feel the other catch his hand as he pulled it away, and he hesitated. What did that mean? He'd only given a dismissive response, but he grabbed for his hand... and still clutched it even now. Now Bern felt uncertain about letting go. He didn't, not for a while. He grabbed the other's hand more firmly and continued to stand, helping him up in the process. Perhaps that was what the other had wanted... He didn't know whether he would have fully recovered by now or not, and he just wanted to be sure. Though when the other stood steadily, he figured he was doing okay. At that point, Bern did drop the connection between their hands, standing and staring at the other for a few moments, before climbing back up into Wess's bed, where he was allowing him to sleep, wordlessly. He'd said all that needed to be said tonight. And he'd totally missed what "as you wish" might have meant.
They would go back to sleep, and for the next few days, everything was pretty normal, if one ignored the fact that Wess and Bern were staying in the same room together, and Wess was trying to make it so that it didn't look like Bern was there. The first couple of days, he had to bring him extra meals, but after that point, Wess had brought some groceries, and Bern was comfortable eating whatever he brought. He'd find that Bern didn't really dislike anything he put in front of him, cooked or not, but that might have just been that he wasn't picky at all; he didn't care as long as it was food. He had been rather accepting of everything, actually... as long as the other wasn't pressing him for information or trying to get under his shirt, which he'd surely stopped doing thanks to the kind of warning Bern had given him. And it wasn't long before Bern received the message that it was safe. One day there had just been a note slipped under the door while Wess was gone. It wasn't unlike the note he'd found when he came back to his own room. Anyway, that day, when Wess got back, Bern was waiting for him. He'd gathered up all his things, and he had both notes in his hand.
"It's safe now. Wess, I can't thank you enough for giving me a safe place to stay." He seemed happy. Not that he was going, but... surely, that he was safe, and that he didn't have to burden the other anymore. He thanked him more, and made sure the other knew that he was very happy with what he'd done. When he left, he handed him two notes, one of which was the one he'd received that day, and the other, which had been in his coat pocket, from when he had first come here. He had thought the other would appreciate knowing everything he'd known in those moments. There was no reason why he couldn't give him these notes; there was nothing confidential written on them. He could take them, if it set his mind at ease at all.
And with that, he departed. He returned to his room, knowing he could return back to his life. However, in the next couple of weeks, he spent plenty of time with Wess, off and on. However, he did notice the other was becoming a problem on occasion. A couple of times he had caught Wess following him, and he had to stop him and try to encourage him not to. He always backed off then. But he wasn't sure why the other was still trying to figure out what he was involved with. He was trying to prevent him from following for his own safety, after all. Though one day after a specifically uncomfortable encounter, he had gotten kind of angry at Wess and the other had really backed off. So he wasn't quite as alert the next time he left, figuring that by now Wess had surely given up. He'd been unhappy with how things had gone their last meeting...
Bern had taken his gun with him this time. He went around the school to a side building that was hidden back behind another one, then went into what appeared to be a storm cellar. If Wess wanted to follow him, he'd have to be careful that he didn't make a lot of noise, and those doors looked like they could. He then followed a winding underground path that was awfully dark, and came up into an equally dark room. It was disturbing. He almost seemed to disappear into the darkness. Was it because he knew he was being followed, or was it the nature of the darkness? Either way, it was uncomfortably mysterious. Wess was probably more than a little distraught by what he was witnessing, even though there was nothing he could pinpoint.
But when he emerged in a large room, or at least one that felt large, it had to be startling. Partially because there was a row of huge, brass machines down one side of the gigantic chamber. How strange... what were these? They were much bigger than a man, machines that looked almost like... the transportation vehicles? But no, they weren't Runing transportation vehicles... They looked more sinister than that, somehow. They looked dangerous... And where was Bern?
~~~~~
Wess was a bit disappointed when the other took his hand away, but it didn't seem to be a refusal. Rather, it was just part of him moving back to the bed, and that was encouraging... still, though, Bern was difficult to understand. He wasn't necessarily afraid to make physical contact with Wess, and he comforted in those gestures rather freely, and when Wess tried to do the same to him, he didn't really pull away. But he acted at other times as if those moments of contact didn't happen, and they were only friends. It was sort of frustrating... he was still speaking in that strange language, still showing Wess one way that there was potential for more, and then acting the other, as if all he wanted was a strictly platonic relationship. Maybe it was part of all of this... It was possible that Bern was trying for the friendship part as part of keeping Wess out of whatever he was involved in, and slipping up just ever so often, right? But it seemed more likely that he just hadn't made up his mind, or that he wasn't thinking about it at all, and pushing the thoughts away instead...
Wess slept better after that, still taking a while to fully calm himself, but managing to get in a few hours before the morning. He did stay home from his classes the next day, just to make sure Bern's condition was stable and to get some groceries and things for him, but he went back to his regular schedule after that. He didn't try to look under his shirt again, though curiosity continued to gnaw at him. It didn't take him long to start fearing for Bern's safety, too. He didn't know what he was involved in, and if he had been in danger like that once, surely it could happen again...
When Bern was ready to leave, Wess was glad to know that things had mellowed out to where they had been before, but that was about the end of his positive feelings on the matter. He wanted desperately to make sure Bern was okay, that he wasn't doing something awful that could get him hurt again. Which he definitely thought he was; he'd made that assumption, and it was a fair one to make, given the knowledge he actually had. The notes only reinforced this... he was grateful that Bern had given them to him, though, and it was somewhat comforting to know that he did seem to want to share some information with Wess. But he was aware that he didn't know for absolute certain what Bern was up to, and that only added to his curiosity. In short, he was worried, and his tendency towards protectiveness was starting to get in the way. As Bern would obviously find out, when he noticed Wess trying to follow him.
Wess didn't try to defend his actions at these times, because when the other caught him he honestly did feel bad for betraying his trust. But he did think that he was justified in wanting to know, or in wanting to make sure Bern was alright. Which was why he kept doing it. He did finally try to justify his actions to Bern once, and that only ended in a bitter argument, which, while he hated the feeling he ended up with because of it, didn't do anything but make him try harder. He had to know, he had to make sure he was okay. Every piece of information he had lead him to believe that he wasn't, and all Bern did was make Wess think he was somehow brainwashed or something, thinking safety meant having the person who had tried to kill you for what you were involved in removed from the equation.
Which was why he ended up following Bern into the building he'd never really noticed, and then into the darkness below it.
He was careful with the doors, excruciatingly so, making certain they closed as quietly as possible. He had a feeling that Bern's reaction was going to be much worse if he found Wess here than the times he'd caught him in the past... But that same feeling told him he was finally on to something, finally about to figure out what was really going on.
When he reached the room with the large machinery, Wess slowed down, his eyes widening behind his glasses as he picked out the mammoth shapes form the dark background. They didn't exactly have "weapon" plastered onto them, but they seemed dangerous, and... dear god, what the hell were they doing underneath a school? Wess's thoughts of gang membership flew right out of the window, replaced instead by the overwhelming feeling that something far more serious, and far more sinister was going on here. His imagined group of shifty gangsters was chased out by a crowd of secretive scientists, agents... something big was going on here, something most likely supported by Leckleston's, which was in turn a product of... well, the government of Klohtia itself.
But Bern had brought his gun... was he a part of this, or was he against it? It was more likely that he was part of it, Wess supposed, given his relative "safety" as a student at Leckleston's. Had he been against it, whoever was here protecting this project would probably have had little trouble wiping him out.
Wess shuddered at that thought, and turned his gaze in front of him again. He realized he'd stopped walking while his thoughts drifted, and now it seemed he had lost Bern... shit. He could find his way back alright without him, he supposed, but now that he was here he wanted to go further, and figure the rest of this out. The danger that seemed to press like invisible walls around him didn't repel him, but rather seemed to draw him forward, as it had done those times before when Bern had caught Wess following him.
But Bern had been heading in a general direction before, and Wess figured he must still be going that way. Taking a chance, he strode on forward.
~~~~~
Bern hadn’t ever really seemed to do anything that could be considered… refusal of Wess’s actions. And that was probably a really good thing, at least from Wess’s point of view, especially if he really meant something by them. And it almost went without saying that he surely did. The fact that Bern didn’t seem to mind making physical contact with him, or receiving physical contact from him, definitely seemed like he accepted everything, in fact, he was returning it. Though the way he seemed to act sometimes like it had never happened… That had to be perplexing. Though given what Wess knew about him… that he was involved with -something- that was clearly dangerous and he probably didn’t want Wess to get involved too… that might say a lot about it. It was probably as simple as… he wanted to return Wess’s affections. He wanted him to know that he cared, too. That he cared about him, and he felt the same way. But he didn’t want to allow himself to get too close to him, at the same time. Perhaps he feared Wess would get involved. That he might die. That Bern himself might die. Perhaps there really was no reasonable explanation behind the strange way his reactions to everything seemed mixed… perhaps he didn’t know anything that the other didn’t know, at least about his own feelings. For all Wess could tell, he accepted the other’s feelings. He even felt inclined to return the physical parts of them. But he just couldn’t allow himself to let them impact him any more than that… as sad as it might have sounded.
What Bern had given him, unfortunately, didn’t provide any new information on the situation that Bern hadn’t already told Wess. The only new information he could really deduce from them was that someone, possibly someone in the gang, someone he was doing all this shit with anyway, had apparently turned on them and that was probably the person who had attacked Bern in the first place. At least he could feel like Bern trusted him that much, to tell him those things, and even give him the notes he’d received, succinct as they were. The person who wrote them had probably been doing so as quickly as possible so as to protect him, at least with the first one…
Bern had definitely grown uncomfortable at the other’s protectiveness. When he started not only pressing him for information, trying to observe what he was trying to hide, and… now, following him!… that was too much. After having to stop him twice, he’d been more than forceful. And he figured that the other would finally realize how important it was that he cease and desist and just live with the curiosity. He’d honestly come too far; he knew too much now, but Bern really wanted to keep things the way they were. Mysterious. Not fully-formed. And he couldn’t open himself up completely to him, either. That was just how it was going to have to be.
Boy, had he been wrong.
He’d let his guard down just long enough to figure that Wess would be deterred, and he wasn’t careful enough when he traveled back to Center for his bi-weekly practice. He came on Mondays and Thursdays to train, and this was just another one of his training sessions he was heading to. Thursday evenings were usually pretty quiet around here, hence the lack of lights. There weren’t many involved in this secret operation, but Bern was usually practicing alone on Thursdays. Well, not always alone, depending on what he would be practicing. Some things required another, and that… other… well, things hadn’t been quite the same since he’s sought out shelter at Wess’s place. Namely because that other was no longer there.
What he was witnessing here, however, had to be more than startling. He might even be embarrassed that he ever thought of Bern as being in a gang… this was so much bigger than that! The darkness in the huge, cathedral-like room was almost stifling, though there was just enough light to make out a few things. Most of it was streaming in from narrow windows at the very top of the room, or narrow slits on the ceiling that served as a skylight. They were probably disguised somehow from the outside, but let in a little light anyway. Still, they allowed enough light in to traverse the room, though apparently also just enough to lose track of Bern.
However, when the other strode forward again, he’d suddenly hear the telltale click and hiss of a gun being activated, prepared to be shot. It was as though Bern had materialized in front of him! But it had simply been that he had lost the other in the darkness on purpose. He’d become aware, after being inside, that someone had trailed him, and now he was aiming the gun right at him…
Bern realized exactly who he was aiming at. The dim light seemed to bring attention to the uncertainty in his features. But Wess probably realized exactly why he was aiming at him, unfaltering… He knew he really did have to kill him now.
“…I warned you so many times, and yet… still, here you are…” Bern’s voice shook with emotion. “I don’t understand why you didn’t listen to me. Didn’t trust me. Ignored every warning. And now you’ve gone too far and I can’t reverse it. This… this is my fucking fault for ever thinking that you would listen to me. You’re only here because I was negligent.” His voice trembled more and more with each word. He was terrified of doing this. But, as Wess could probably imagine, the duty he had was so powerful that his emotions simply couldn’t intrude upon it… He probably wanted to say more, but he looked like he was trying to forcefully hold his own mouth shut, so he didn't say anything he regretted.
And Wess, who had a device that could kill him in a fraction of a second, had to be paralyzed with fear. If Bern pulled that trigger, he would be dead. Simple as that. The thought of running probably hadn’t even crossed his mind. It was too dark, anyway. He couldn’t see where he could run to. And besides, given the skill that Bern had, skill he’d witnessed, he’d probably just end up dead anyway. Bern was really going to kill him this time...
~~~~~
Wess stopped when he heard the click, frozen in place by the deadly connotations that rose immediately to mind. He didn't even need to ponder; that was a sound everyone knew. And then Bern was there... Wess was actually relieved, for just a second... there was Bern, come to get him out, get him away from the gun... but then his eyes drifted down to his hands, the gun in it, and he... he wasn't sure what to feel, at first. A whole wave of emotions flooded him, almost knocked him over, and he couldn't even tell what was what in the insane mixture for a long moment.
Then there was fear, intense and cold and... and why did Bern have a gun, why was it pointed at him? The image simply didn't seem to make sense to Wess, but it definitely scared him. Bern was comfort and safety, Bern was... he was Bern. He didn't have guns that aimed at Wess, he didn't talk like this, like he was going to hurt him, he was... he was kind and warm, and he was angry sometimes but god, not like this. But here he was, doing those things, being exactly what Wess was certain he simply wasn't.
When it sank in, though, really sank in, Wess's fear was joined by a bitter feeling of regret. Not only was he going to fucking die, and do it at the hands of the one person he really, truly trusted, but he was also the one who had brought this all on himself. He had caused all of this... he had messed up, and he hadn't listened to Bern, and now he was going to die for it, and... oh, god, Bern looked so upset, too. Of course he did! He cared for Wess, that was no secret. And now Wess was actually forcing him to kill him.
"It is not you fault, oh god..." Wess managed to breath, his voice light and quiet and quivering with obvious fear, obvious regret. "Don't... don't you dare say it is, Bern, I did this, and..." he wanted to say more but his ability to speak was quickly slipping away, forced out by the overpowering realization that this was happening, it was really happening, he was going to... to die here. How could he die?! Death wasn't here yet, death was... death was way off in the future, after he was old and wrinkled and he'd carried out his dreams. Death wasn't something that showed up uninvited at his doorstep in the form of his best friend, his only friend, and maybe more than that, about to fall apart with a gun in his hands.
No, it wasn't. He had invited it, spoken with it over the phone countless times, pondered the idea and coaxed it over for a full on dinner and dessert. He'd done this to himself, oh god... oh fuck. If he could just... could just go back in time, and maybe tell himself not to or, you know, just rip his own fucking lungs out of his chest. That would also do just fine. And for a moment Wess felt that protective anger returning, except this time it was directed at himself, and he dug his fingernails into his hands and practically shook with it.
~~~~~
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Post by NobleAlyssum on Feb 13, 2014 16:22:01 GMT -8
As Bern held the gun, preparing to shoot... He couldn't answer Wess. He couldn't answer him when he justified his own faults, but Bern knew; he knew that he hadn't tried hard enough; it was really him that had let this happen! He couldn't expect Wess to change, couldn't expect him to just forget about the things that had troubled him about what was going on. Bern couldn't change his own circumstances, and he couldn't change how Wess felt about them. It was his responsibility to keep this from happening... and he'd failed in that. Now, he had a duty that he was going to be forced to carry out. All for the matters of national security. He was going to have to stand right here and pull the trigger, and kill the person he'd come to know as his best friend.
...No. Wess was more than that. Wess was so much more than that.
He looked him in the eye, not sure why he was unable to look away. His own appearance must have been painful to view... What with his twitching and trembling, and the way his eyes were widened, pupils dilated with fear, glasses flashing every so often as they caught a stray beam of light, as he couldn't even keep himself still. His teeth were clenched painfully, his whole body tensed as though he was awaiting that shot...
And his hands, his hands were trembling so badly. He couldn't really bring himself to do anything right now. His mind was swimming with thoughts of fear, anger, frustration... He was obligated to do this. He had to protect the secrets that were within this room, this place. Failure to carry out these orders... well, he didn't know what that would entail. But it was treason, and treason was punished more severely than murder. He paled at the thought of what might happen to him if he didn't do this. And it was his own fault that it was happening. That was the thought he just couldn't get out of his head. No matter how much Wess might protest that it was his fault, Bern just knew, on the inside, that it was all his own negligence. He hadn't tried hard enough, he hadn't done his job as a friend. He was the worst friend ever, wasn't he? And the more he thought about it...
... he wasn't even sure he'd be able to live with this. There was no right answer. Someone was dying, probably today. It would be Wess, or it would be both of them. No. It would be both of them either way. He'd kill himself if he killed Wess.
At this point, the hesitation, the knowledge of how futile this situation was no matter what he did, overwhelmed him. The shaking in his hands briefly accelerated, before his body finally gave up. He dropped the gun, which landed on the floor with a crack, and slid away. Bern collapsed to his knees, hands flying to his head, a painful sob being the sound that managed to escape his throat, before he was caught up in a fit of words mixed with sobs. His eyes felt full of tears, but none of them spilled. What really had seized him was the hysterical sobbing... it felt like it was caught in his throat. "I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it!..." he whispered over and over again, some of the whispers coming out louder, or even as sobs... Both palms were pressed hard against the ground, but he felt as though he'd never be able to push himself back up. He just couldn't do this... he couldn't bring himself to kill Wess. He meant too much to him. Even if they didn't have much time left to live, he wanted them to have as much of it as they could. No, he could care less about himself. He just wanted it for Wess.
Meanwhile, Wess probably didn't see things the same way Bern did right now. He probably saw both himself and Bern as being able to live, since Bern wasn't able to kill him. And maybe he wasn't wholly wrong about that. But right now Bern had collapsed into a mess that could hardly be called a human being. He could do a lot of things right now... What he chose to do right now would probably result a permanent change in their relationship... though that could be for the better, or for the worse. He would just have to use his best judgment on what was right to do...
~~~~~
Wess actually flinched when Bern met his eyes. He wasn't really certain how to process this... he just knew that he was sorry, that he'd done this, and that it was so, so real... and now Bern looked like he was going to just fall apart at the seams, going to shake so hard he simply crumbled away into nothing. Wess had caused this, no matter what the other told him... He had kept coming back, kept acting like a stupid fucking child, and now he'd done this to Bern, made him shake and tremble like this, made him break. And he was angry with himself, he really, really was, but he also wanted to go forward and show Bern the comfort he had always shown Wess, and... he still had that gun pointed at him, and Wess was certain that stepping any closer would only make him die that much more quickly, not that it should matter. He was going to die anyways, right? But something in him told him that a few more moments of this torture was worth it, was going to somehow get him free... something in his stupid DNA, that idiotic belief that survival is more important than anything else, even if it's just a few seconds. That nothing is over until it's really over.
Well, it was right, he guessed.
When Bern crumpled to the floor, the gun skittering across the floor, Wess was stunned. Or rather, he was surprised that he was dead, but Bern had been looking close to breaking for while, and now it seemed he had finally done it. Just... fallen apart. Something ached in Wess when he considered the option of fleeing now, while he was down. He could survive, sure, but... he couldn't just leave Bern like this. Wess was the one who had done this to him, and he had to pick up the pieces. Or try, at least, if there were any pieces left to pick up, or if there was a way he could actually pick them up himself.
It felt like breaking cement off his legs, taking the first couple of steps towards Bern. Like he had, in his terror, attached himself to the floor, and the floor was still clinging to him even as he moved away. But he did, and he moved across the space that had separated him from the other, though perhaps a beat or two slower than he wanted to. He was still scared, still terrified, but he was also worried and aching and... and he wanted to be there for Bern, he did.
When he got close enough Wess joined the other on the floor, and wordlessly wrapped his arms around him, angling himself so that he could pull Bern into an embrace. He didn't really know what else to do, and he certainly had no idea what to say. Yes you can kill me? It's okay? I'm sorry? All of his options were either not enough, complete lies, or simply.... well, stupid. So instead he tried to just pull him closer, give him comfort, and hope that he was going to be okay, that something in this was going to be okay.
And it sort of seemed like it would be, to him, if Bern didn't actually kill him. He didn't doubt that someone would be after the both of them, and soon, but he held the hope that they could outrun it somehow, or beat it some other way. He didn't know. What if no one even knew the two were here? Well, Bern, maybe, but it could be possible that they hadn't seen Wess... they certainly hadn't known he would be coming. Maybe they could be safe anyways, could just run from it all...
~~~~~
Now it definitely seemed that Bern had broken. More than broken, judging by the way he'd reacted to this. If the other hadn't been so distressed, he might have thought it embarrassing. Embarrassing that he simply couldn't handle this. This was the kind of thing he was trained to handle, and he couldn't handle it. He was basically worthless in all aspects. If he had only been able to stand up to this, maybe he'd be worth keeping around. At least for what he was doing.
However, he hadn't been able to. He had choked when it came down to it. He wasn't able to do the duty he was expected to do, which was put an end to intruders. But this wasn't just an intruder, it was someone he cared deeply for. Someone who he knew wasn't going to go around telling everyone anyway. Well, he didn't see any reason why Wess would, at that. He felt that he could have trusted him. But nobody else would feel that way, would they? They would say he was a threat to them. They didn't know Wess like Bern did. But he didn't think he could convince them to think otherwise…
…Could he? He wasn't exactly proven to be a spy or anything. And after what had just happened, he had a feeling they weren't going to take any chances. It just wasn't going to work out for them if they did. Perhaps that was why Bern was certain that killing him was the only choice he had. Though he could have been wrong… Perhaps they wouldn't. Perhaps he was just jumping to conclusions. But at least jumping to conclusions hadn't left Wess dead, had it?
He'd given the other a perfect opportunity to escape. He could run now, he could pack his things up and leave before Bern had a chance to catch up to him, if he changed his mind. Or would he even do that? Would he come after him at all? None of that mattered, because the other made a choice right then, and that choice was not to run at all. Instead, he came to him, and as Bern sobbed, barely able to hold himself up with his hands, his body feeling too weak and shaky to really handle it, he almost stopped when he felt the other suddenly wrapping his arms around him. The tears still hadn't spilled, but when Bern started breathing again a moment later, the sobbing hadn't let up much. "…Why… d-didn't you run?" he gasped, not understanding this at all. How… why would the other make this choice, when death was the alternative? Now Bern knew there was no way he could kill him, no matter what the circumstances were. It had been a good thing, after all, that Wess had pressed him so much. If he hadn't; if he hadn't had this kind of chance to worry about the other, to protect him, to rescue him… then this probably wouldn't had ended the same way at all.
Even as all this happened, there was still no sign that anyone else was here. Perhaps they really were alone here. And if that was the case, maybe they would both be able to remain alive, after all. Or at least for a little longer. Bern started calming down after some time, relaxing a bit as he focused on the feel of the other's arms around him. He didn't know what to say or do anymore. What would be the right thing, if anything? Right now, his emotions felt too strained for him to be able to focus on what that was. But maybe right now it didn't matter if it was right or not. When he'd finally gathered enough of his senses, he tried pushing himself back upright to sit up straighter, catching his breath. And then, he wrapped his arms back around Wess, practically melting into him as he did. He couldn't help but feel like the other's actions, stupid as they were, were the epitome of loyalty. And loyalty was something he could understand. Loyalty was something he knew he wanted to offer in return.
"…Wess…" he whispered, almost too quietly for the other to hear. "I… couldn't do this… because I love you…"
~~~~~
Wess didn't really respond to Bern's question, just... kept holding him, keeping him close. He knew the answer to that question, of course. And he could phrase it as him just... caring, being a friend, but it wasn't. There was a lot more there than that, and he didn't think Bern wanted to have to deal with that right now. He'd fucked up their whole relationship already, he didn't want to add romance on top of it, especially if Bern didn't want that. And he honestly doubted he did, or at least that he was willing to accept that he did. So he kept his mouth shut, instead just... offering Bern what he could offer, just comfort, something to cling to for a little while before...
Well, he didn't know what. He didn't know what would come next. Was he going to end up dying anyways? He didn't want that... and what about Bern? What if this just made him less safe than he'd been before? And maybe he had handled this right, maybe him showing Bern that he still cared about him would be good, but it changed very little. Just what the other thought of him. If he hadn't come here at all, he thought, both of them would be a whole lot better off. If he'd just listened to Bern...
Which he was doing now, since the other had stopped blubbering and started actually saying things, words... and was he hearing what he thought he was hearing? Was this just his own mind playing cruel tricks on him, or was Bern really... it sounded like "I love you", but that didn't make sense, and how could he even think that right now? He was falling apart, he was clinging to the person he was supposed to be killing, there was so much more going on and Wess was all at fault for it, he'd fucked everything up for both of them, but Bern was saying... Wess thought Bern was saying...
Well, he would have to take a chance on that, wouldn't he? He could say nothing, and if Bern had just said what Wess though he had said he would probably be even more hurt, and if he hadn't then it would be okay, or Wess could say it as well and... and hope that Bern had actually said that, and if he hadn't then... well, maybe it would just be okay. Maybe it would be okay anyways. Things couldn't exactly get a whole lot worse, even with that piled on.
"I..." he started, his voice quiet, then stopped, taking a moment to regain his confidence. "I feel the same way." He tried, then frowned. That was lame, and he knew it. "I love you. I didn't run because I love you, I followed you because I love you, I... I let you in because I love you. I came to you because I love you. I love you." He was blabbering himself a bit, and emotion was taking him over, but god did it feel good to get that out. Even if he was mistaken in what Bern had actually said, it felt good. It really did. He held his breath afterwards, though, hoping it was received better than he had feared it would be for so long now.
~~~~~
Bern's shivering hadn't settled down, but at least he was sobbing less by now. It had been hard for him to stop. And it wasn't even that he was full of mucus or tears, it was just the spasms that came along with sobbing. He had hated every moment of it, every moment that he felt he was struggling just to function normally, to breathe, or something, whatever he could manage to do to keep himself from completely losing it or something. He closed his eyes for a few moments as he held the other, trying to force away the last of his insecurity, holding the other tightly, perhaps tighter than Wess had expected. He knew what he'd said; he was still sitting there, trying to comprehend it when the other finally spoke again, and he realized, almost too late, that the other had heard him. He'd heard him! And he hadn't intended that. He suddenly felt like he hated himself. But then he heard what the other was actually saying. Was this... even real? Was he imagining this?
Wess had probably felt Bern's hold loosen a bit, but it was mostly because he no longer felt the need to cling to him tightly, like the other was just going to keep him sane in this moment. He was recovering from it finally, and the other felt so warm in his arms. So many thoughts were swimming in his head right now. He wasn't sure how he felt anymore. Not about his mistake, telling the other something like this in a moment of weakness, not about how he felt about the other now, not about how the other felt about him. It was just an overarching feeling of confusion and bliss and lingering hints of fear and worry... But he wasn't letting go of Wess. Not now.
"...You mean... that?" Bern asked quietly, his voice barely there, as it had been before. It was like he couldn't really speak. Perhaps he was just afraid to, after all that had already happened. "...You really mean... that?" Bern couldn't help but feel like something wasn't right about this, but he'd said all that! And if he hadn't meant some part of it, it would be completely stupid. Ridiculous. A waste of time. Wess wouldn't do that.
So Bern figured that he could do what he did next without hesitation. Though he did still feel the desire to hesitate sneaking up on him, he knew it was worth ignoring. He leaned in to press his lips against the other's, and the tears that had been gathering in his eyes that whole time finally spilled as he closed them. This was his first kiss. In other words, it would probably be shitty, but at least there was something important behind it...
~~~~~
Wess was kind of terrified for a moment, though it was a different sort of terror. Rather than being afraid of his own death, of never saying anything about everything he felt, and being certain he had just fucked everything up, he had accepted that death was something that was probably going to come in one form or another, and he was only afraid that he'd misheard Bern, that he was just going to fuck things up even more.
But he hadn't.
He was still afraid when the other asked him if he meant that... could that mean he really hadn't said when Wess had thought he had said? Did that mean he really had fucking this all up? But he'd felt his grip shift, so that instead of clinging he was just... holding, melting, it felt like. Just enjoying it, rather than desperately needing it, as if it had gone from being some kind of glue to just being something... nice.
He hadn't misheard. Bern actually meant that he...
Wess was thoroughly surprised when the other pressed their lips together, and for a moment he went stiff, his eyes wide and staring at Bern's face, suddenly so close... And there were tears there, spilling over at last, and he was... well, this was exactly what Wess had wanted, wasn't it? Of course it was. And it felt wonderful, honestly. Even if Bern was inexperienced, well, so was Wess. He had a hard enough time even making friends, getting to this place with someone had seemed simply impossible, and it really hadn't ever happened. He hadn't ever had a chance to do anything but dream, through all of his books. He was awful as well, but he did close his eyes, melt into Bern, and he returned the kiss to the best of his rather limited ability. His hand reached up to cup the other's face, wipe at the tears that were coming now, trying simultaneously to comfort Bern and comfort himself, make sure this was actually real, that he wasn't just having some kind of crazy dream. And no, he really wasn't. He could feel Bern's wet face in his hand, the tears that still poured, and it really, really did feel wonderful. It felt like... like they were finally speaking the same language, like Bern had finally consented to speak in a language Wess understood. Or maybe Wess had just started to understand his language.
~~~~~
Bern had definitely calmed down by now, and even though tears were now flowing down his cheeks, that certainly didn't mean that he was upset, or that things were worse. Rather, he could finally let them go because he had relaxed enough to do so. They weren't unhappy tears, and that would probably comfort Wess if he was able to figure that out. He really did feel that way about Wess, but it was so hard for him to handle. With all these secrets he'd been required to keep, doing anything that could be considered intimate with Wess kind of felt wrong. And while he did let it slip some of the time, he felt uncomfortable about it. Hence the strange dialogue between him and Wess; he was so afraid that something would go wrong, so afraid that he would let something slip or that Wess would figure something out he shouldn't... and then, this situation would come to pass.
But it had anyway. And now it was over. He'd faced the fear he'd had, and he hadn't been able to kill Wess when he was forced to. So now that he knew this, it was like he could just let the floodgates down. And perhaps it was a little too much for Wess... or who knew, perhaps it was just right. Perhaps it was what he had been afraid to show as well, and now Bern was showing it to him. It seemed that the two of them were going to have to learn a lot, now... learn all about how to kiss, how to love, and how to be a part of what is said to be a union of the heart... well, given the situation, Wess would probably realize why Bern was so unsure about showing his affections, because if he really gave himself to Wess... there wasn't really any going back. If they changed their minds, given the situation, it could turn out badly. That was just another reason Bern was careful and unsure about expressing how he felt. Once he told him too much, he couldn't go back.
And for that matter, he had a lot of things he could discuss with him now. It wouldn't matter at this point; he'd found this place, he probably had some basic idea of what they were doing. And while he wasn't involved, perhaps it wouldn't matter if he knew more. Though right now, that wasn't the situation either, as Bern had his lips pressed gently to Wess's, though he had increased the pressure a little as time went on. He didn't really... know how to kiss. So he honestly didn't know why he'd just... done it. But still, he wanted to learn. He wanted to learn with Wess, and this was his first kiss, so he had hoped it wouldn't turn out too bad... If Wess had any experience he'd probably be able to tell just how awkward he was. Bern's hands gently brushed up into his hair, over his cheeks as well... He was barely aware of how much he was crying, even as the other smoothed his hand over his face, over his tears... He pulled away from the kiss for a second, only to breathe, before pressing their lips together again, his hand now thoroughly buried in Wess's hair.
The next time he pulled away, he did finally stop, though he hadn't wanted to do it for even a second. "...God, I'm sorry... I'm terrible at this..." he mused, his voice still barely above a whisper. Perhaps he'd imagined that those things just worked out when one was in the right mood? He couldn't know; he'd never kissed anyone until now. He'd never wanted to take that kind of risk.
~~~~~
Wess wasn't exactly wonderful at this stuff either. While he'd read about it plenty of times, while romance had always captivated him, while he'd dreamed of it and loved reading of it and he'd always seemed to bury himself in it, he simply wasn't good at it. He could love, he could feel it while he held Bern there, while he felt the other's soft lips on his, and he could feel that floating, dreamy bliss, but he didn't entirely know what to do. He knew the basics; the hand-holding, the sweet words, the meaningful touches, the small things he was supposed to do and god did he want to do them, but he didn't know how to kiss, and he didn't know, really, how to handle everything here... but Bern seemed to be even more at a loss, his actions a bit awkward and definitely not very sure, and Wess would certainly have to try.
When Bern pulled away a bit Wess found himself smiling,the expression bringing an unusual warmth to his features, and even let out a choked laugh at the other's words. "No, it's... it is fine." he replied in a murmur, raising his other hand to help wipe the tears off of Bern's cheeks. "You cannot honestly believe that I have done this before. I am at as much of a loss as you." his voice was soft and warm, just like his expression, and he somehow felt less like the cold ice that he usually was, and more like he was melting. Not in the sense that he was dripping away into nothing, but... kinder, more comforting, moving more freely and certainly more warm.
Slowly he brought their lips together again, but this time he only touched them as before once, then came back to take one of Bern's between his own, pulled away, and did it again in something much more intimate. It was a bit awkward, still, and his own actions were just a bit hesitant, and just a bit more careful than they perhaps should have been, but it felt like it was more... right. Like it was the proper thing to do, even if there was that note of awkward hesitation.
Then he pulled away again, this time his cheeks really warm, colored with a dark red blush. He took his hands away, too, to pat at Bern's tears with his sleeves, and then he wrapped his arms around him and pulled him back into an embrace. He was shaking, just a bit... his fear had mostly left him, but it remained there in a smaller amount, tugging at his swelling heart. He still knew they shouldn't be there, and he was still afraid of death, except now there was more worry for Bern's as well. He wasn't involved in this operation himself, but he had some idea of how they worked, and wasn't it dangerous for Bern to let him live? Of course, Wess didn't actually have any incentive to let any information leak, and he didn't have anyone to tell besides, but that didn't make him any less a liability in the eyes of these people, and he was willing to bet more money than he had on that. He didn't know exactly what was going to happen, what danger they were in, and what would prevent it, but he was fairly certain that remaining in this room that contained so many secrets would be a very bad idea.
"We should... go, should we not?" he mumbled to the other, pulling back again to look him in the eyes.
~~~~~
Wess definitely had the upper hand with Bern, then, because Bern hadn't bothered reading anything about romance whatsoever. He definitely enjoyed reading, but he preferred reading completely different material. What he would read was nonfiction; he enjoyed studying up on anything and everything he could possibly learn. However, romance novels were never a thing that were on his list. Though he was definitely experiencing that stuff right now, and it was kind of hard to handle. He'd had a hard time keeping it from surfacing before, but now that he didn't have to do that, it was really intense. And now he was wishing he knew something, anything about it. But about all he seemed to know how to do was how to kiss someone without their noses banging together. At least he knew that much, or it would have been a really awkward first kiss for sure.
He felt warm all over, too, when they were separated. Even though the kiss hadn't been anything special, he didn't figure... Still, he had mixed feelings of shame, for not knowing how to do anything... and passion, he figured... Anyway, he was sure it was a yearning for Wess, for wanting to do more and more with him... As the other admitted that this was his first time too, Bern actually laughed in return. "You're kidding." And he meant that; he thought that surely Wess had loved someone before, kissed someone before! He was definitely more likable than Bern felt that he was, and being part of what he was, he had to push others away. Wess didn't have that same problem.
He didn't bother speaking again, though, as the other brought their lips together again, inciting a deep feeling of excitement to briefly blossom in Bern's chest, as the other had done this of his own will this time. He didn't do anything on his end, afraid of ruining the moment. It felt nice, really. He could get used to this... Wess pulling on his bottom lip a little was somehow more pleasant that he'd expected such a thing might be. As the other moved away from him, blushing a lot more furiously, Bern felt his face would have matched Wess's, if he showed the blush in his cheeks more than he did. Now, it seemed the other was thinking along the same lines as Bern had for a while now. He had been terrified that no matter what happened, he'd still end up dead, Wess would still end up dead. It would either be him who killed him, or it would be his superior, most likely. However, as the other made it clear that he thought they needed to leave, Bern stayed where he was, not moving to stand just yet, and shook his head.
"There are plenty of low-light cameras in here. Even if there isn't anyone here right now, someone is going to see what happened. It doesn't make any difference." Well, if that was the case, then it did seem that they didn't have any way to get out of this, after all. It was probably just a matter of time before someone came to put the two of them out of their existence, right? Or could they find a way to change their fate?
Still, Bern finally struggled to his feet, wiping away the last of his tears. He'd finally calmed down enough to stop crying, though it really had taken him a while to get back to normal. Wess had to understand... How fortunate that he'd never been ordered to kill his best friend! Well, more than that. He'd surely have been unable to do it, too. He moved his hands back, taking Wess's in his own. "...Whatever happens, I..."
Suddenly, a voice yelled from the entrance of the room. "Bern!" Well shit; someone was here already. They'd probably been watching remotely, and arrived as quickly as they could. Bern looked up, startled, but he'd known this was going to happen... that someone would come to resolve this...
~~~~~
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Post by empyreanVisionary on Feb 13, 2014 16:29:52 GMT -8
The idea that there wasn't any way out regardless of what they did, that both of them were going to die, seemed simultaneously impossible and all too real. They could still run, right? They could make it out? But he did still know that this operation was big, far too big... it was tied to the government, for god's sake. It encompassed the entirety of Klohtia, it was certainly inescapable. Still, though, there had to be a way out... they could run, they could go to another country, right? If this was tied to the government, they could find safety somewhere else... in Chela, or somewhere in Aurio. Klohtia was big, huge, but they could escape it, right? There had to be somewhere to run.
Wess stood with the other, watching him to make sure he was alright, but Bern seemed to be stable now. That brought him some relief... he twined his fingers through Bern's when his hands were taken, glad to still have some closeness to him, and definitely wanting more. And it was nice, so nice, to know that the other wanted that same closeness. He wasn't acting one way and then another, contradicting himself left and right anymore, he was finally doing what it seemed he really wanted to do. His mind and his heart were on the same level, and that was such a comfort to Wess...
His eyes met Bern's as he spoke, hanging on what he had to say... and then he jumped, startled and suddenly terrified again, when the newcomer shouted for Bern.
Oh, god.
He turned his gaze toward the stranger, his eyes searching for them in the dark room. He didn't say anything, but rather tightened his grip on Bern's hands, just a bit. He didn't know who this person was, and he doubted they were friendly, and he had no idea what they had seen. There was very, very little doubt, though, that it had included him and Bern and what was happening between them. Either way, he was frightened... this person probably had a gun, and they would not be so unwilling as Bern was to end Wess's life. Maybe Bern's, now, too... no, probably Bern's. He hadn't done what he was supposed to do, he'd allowed an intruder to live. Bern was in just as much danger as Wess was, possibly more, as far as Wess could tell.
~~~~~
It was hard to say whether they really could run or not. The other was probably starting to realize just how futile that might be. Being that this organization they’d be running from probably had connections everywhere, probably knew a lot more than Wess or Bern ever did… It probably seemed more and more futile the more he thought about it. And Bern had realized this; that was why he had been so emotional over it. He knew that there wasn’t going to be another choice. But perhaps he hadn’t fully considered the options, either.
When Bern took the other’s hands, he didn’t expect him to move their fingers together as he did… Honestly he just felt like it stabilized him. Like he knew he would have some kind of control when he had the other’s hands in his; control over this situation, and a way to protect him. It was really just for his own mental satisfaction, that was it. But it accomplished what it needed to, and that was giving him a chance to relax and focus on something that wasn’t the impending doom that they probably both had ahead of them…
And all too soon, the person who had arrived shouted his name. He’d been startled, but now, his expression softened as he felt that he wasn’t going to be able to avoid his fate any longer. He move, just so that he made the impression that he was in front of Wess. The other would probably realize that Bern was using some kind of unwritten language to show that he was going to protect him. However, the other didn’t exactly pull out a weapon, he just continued speaking.
“I came as soon as I saw on surveillance you were being confronted. Is everything okay?” He did, however, give a rather suspicious, perhaps even dirty look to Wess. Clearly enough, he knew Wess was not involved with their operation. It was more than obvious. “Do you mind explaining what is going on?” Since he’d seen the other point the gun at this boy just a moment ago, he had reasons to be confused, being that both of them were still there, still alive. And Bern’s gun was on the floor, he noted, a little ways away.
Bern’s words caught in his throat at first… But as though a realization had dawned upon him, an epiphany, he suddenly knew exactly what to say. He knew how he might be able to buy them a little time… perhaps more than a little! He stood with more certainty, feeling like he was going to be able to handle this situation. “Commander Elias.” He saluted and bowed, as though to convey respectfulness. Given the situation… it had to be necessary. “You recall that I told you I’d met a promising student who might have the potential to be an Integrator? I didn’t invite him, though… he is here. I would ask that we have him tested.”
So that was his plan… if Wess could tell what it is. He was going to try to get him involved after all…
~~~~~
Wess kept quiet, watching Bern, who'd moved as if he intended to protect Wess. As much as he disliked the idea of putting Bern in danger in any way, he knew that he himself didn't exactly have a lot he could do in this situation. He didn't belong here, and he should definitely be dead at this point. Bern belonged here, though... He knew how things worked, he was /part/ of how things worked, and if anyone was going to get them anywhere safely, it would be him.
He was shocked, though, when he started speaking of Wess actually /joining/ what was going on here. The emotion steered clear of his expression, but it was definitely there. And... had he just made that up, as a way to get them both more time? He spoke of the idea as if it was one he'd had for a while, though... Had he really considered bringing Wess into this, so much so that he had spoken of it with those also involved here? Or perhaps he was playing the 'don't you remember?' card.
Either way, it was strange, and certainly surprising. He wasn't sure how to feel about the notion, exactly, but.... well, it was definitely better than dying. And if it kept Bern alive, he would do it. He could do it.
Wess had a sudden urge to grab for the other's hands again, as Bern had dropped the contact in moving to face this newcomer, but he didn't want to give this... commander, he supposed, any reason to suspect that this meeting was anything more than bringing Wess in for consideration, or... "testing". Still, though, the urge was there. He had just gotten Bern, finally.... he had only just found that the other cared for Wess like Wess cared for him, and he was still frightened of a very, very near death. Or deaths. He didn't want to waste any time he could spend being near Bern, being... with him, in a way he'd wanted to be with him for a while now. But he didn't have a lot of choice, did he?
~~~~~
Bern had definitely been prepared to protect Wess. That was made obvious by the movement, and it was probably made obvious to the man he was speaking to, as well. So, while it may have been a good move if the other had been intending to hurt them, it actually might have weakened his argument. Though, it could have done the very opposite, given circumstance. If the other had recognized the action as Bern’s loyalty, it could actually say a lot about Bern and therefore, a lot about Wess. Or it could represent defiance. Wess would just have to hope that Bern knew this man and knew what he would respond to. Had he even though this action through? Either way it was, he had made it clear that he didn’t want the other to hurt Wess, no matter what.
Yes, he’d thought about this. He’d thought about including Wess, but… he didn’t want to get him involved with this. The danger was high, the stakes were high. If something went wrong, they could end up dead easily. But now wasn’t the time to be concerned about -that-, as something had already gone wrong, and the stakes were already as high as their lives if he said the wrong thing! He had, indeed spoken to the commander about this. It had come up in conversation, actually. He had probably had to explain to this man that he was housing another in his room for a period of time… He’d probably even had to skip some of his training because of Wess at one point or another. So there was a reason for him to bring up the subject.
Yes, it had gone pleasantly. Elias had asked him some questions, and he’d answered them, almost too eagerly. It wasn’t that the other was pressing him for information, he knew that. It was that he wanted to talk about Wess. Talk about the things about Wess that he loved. And it had come up how intelligent he was, how talented he was. How much potential he had… And while he didn’t really know what the other’s potential was for this, even though Notists didn’t typically have the right kinds of skills that an Integrator would have. And yet, Bern had considered that the other could have skills that were useful to them. Apparently, decent Integrators were hard to find. Anyone could be a Liberator, but specific people had more potential. Bern’s, for example, was extremely high. But putting Wess through testing would buy them time at the least. If he wasn’t useful as an Integrator, perhaps he could help them in other ways. They only had one Notist as part of their team as it was; if Wess was able to do even -that-, he could spare his life!
Elias seemed to consider this. “…Well, it seems he is already here. So there is… in fact, no alternative but to kill him. Surely you are aware of just how many things you’ve done wrong by allowing him in here alive…”
Bern nodded, his face stony.
“And, you are subsequently aware that, by not killing him yourself, you have committed treason…”
Another nod. Bern was starting to get concerned. He’d thought he could appeal to his commander, but it wasn’t looking that way right now. Damn it.
“And, the punishment for treason is death.”
A third nod, though Bern was sure an empty look was really beginning to surface in his eyes.
“Tell me, Bern,” Elias inquired, stepping closer to him, off to the side that Wess was on, as though to observe him. “How much do you trust this boy? With your life? With the integrity of this organization?”
Bern replied without hesitation. “With my eternal soul.”
Elias’s eyebrows raised at this. “…And, as you said before, you do believe he has potential? Even as an Integrator?”
“It is very possible.”
He paused one last time, then stopped walking, and moved before them once more. “Then I expect you to keep an eye on him. Be sure that he is not going to betray us. We’ve already had enough of that lately. We will test him tomorrow at 3:00 sharp.”
Bern was startled at first that the other had agreed to do this. But that meant… they were at least one step closer to remaining alive! Relief flooded him, but he remained stolid, so not to look that weak. He would have commented on the last thing he’d said, but he knew it was best not to right now. Instead, he just nodded, and bowed. “Yes, sir.”
That finished, Elias nodded to him, and left the building again, presumably to go back to surveillance. When he was out of sight, Bern turned to look toward Wess, a mixture of feelings brewing after that confrontation.
~~~~~
Wess's gaze moved away from Bern when Elias spoke again, instead focusing on the commander. His expression resolved itself into it's usual unreadable coldness, seemingly devoid of emotion entirely, aside from, perhaps, just a bit of haughty condescension. His chin tilted upward just the slightest, and he raised a hand to straighten his glasses before moving both back behind his back, where they clasped, his shoulders back in a more confident posture. He'd been shaking with fear barely a moment before, and he still longed to move closer to Bern, but he'd recognized the situation for what it was: Bern was trying to save him, he needed to straighten himself out and present himself as worthy of consideration. Bern could only do so much here. He had to give this man a reason to let him live, even though it seriously seemed right now that it wasn't really working... and, god, was he really going to kill Bern?! He couldn't! But then he moved away from the subject again, and for a moment there was just a smidgen of relief evident on Wess's face.
When the other mentioned just how much he trusted Wess, though, he couldn't help the small, warm smile that turned up the corners of his lips... just a little, and he risked a glance towards Bern as well. But he quickly rearranged his features again, and returned his icy gaze to the Commander.
His face fell briefly into relief when the Commander finally relented, then returned to what it had been before. They were going to be alright! Surely, they were going to be alright. He had no idea what a Integrator was supposed to do, but he'd have time to talk to Bern, now. He could figure it all out, could prepare himself... he was certain he'd be able to do this, if not for himself, then for Bern.
He turned to face Bern again as well, his features melting into their own mix of emotions. Mostly relief, though... and he smiled at the other, his hands unclasping. "With your eternal soul?" He asked lightly, his tone almost teasing.... almost. "Will we leave here now, or must you still say for... whatever it was you came here for?" He was't sure how badly he actually wanted to remain there, even if it was with Bern, but he would do it. The other /had/ to still be a bit unstable, his emotions had just been put through more hell than Wess's had. Ever, really. He doubted he'd ridden that kind of insane roller coaster, even when he had gone through his withdrawal from Tranquility.
~~~~~
Bern was really beginning to relax now, as the other had finally left. It was like he'd suddenly grown weak, thanks to just how tense he'd been. He knew he'd done some really risky things in that conversation. He'd already done things he could get killed for, though, and this was his attempt at resolving them. He honestly hadn't known how well it was going to work, but it was his trump card in this situation. If it hadn't worked, they might both be dead right now. But they were still alive... and well. Bern was relieved... especially for Wess. The chances of Wess being killed in this situation were still far more likely than him being killed, despite what he'd done by letting the other live in the first place. It was, as the other had said, an act of treason, because he was willingly allowing someone who wasn't involved to access their confidential information.
He had also had to say some things he hadn't particularly ever intended to... well, not yet. But he had been doing everything in his power to be persuasive. Elias had scared the shit out of him for a moment there, though. He was thankful for his ability to talk his way out of a situation... though he honestly wasn't sure if he had really had much control over it in the first place. He could only be blessed that things had turned out so well. Did Wess know this? Did he know that Bern really wasn't sure of the certainty of how much power he had to influence his commander? That this was really just an idea he'd had at the last second? And now that they were both still alive, Bern wasn't even feeling like he had done -anything-? Elias could be hard to deal with... At least he knew him well enough to know how he needed to discuss the situation with him in the first place.
When the other finally left, and Wess turned to him, he realized just how exhausted he felt. His nose wrinkled at the other's tone, and he looked away from him. "Elias has to know when I'm serious." Granted, it wasn't like he didn't actually feel that way. But it was definitely a combination of grand words he'd used. "I don't think it's something I can do right now. What I would be doing requires too much focus, and I'd be afraid to make a mistake." He looked back up to Wess again, his irritation having passed for the moment... He was just glad the other was still alive. That he was still alive.
Now that this was all over with... maybe Wess's pressing questions could be answered. Maybe Bern's unusual protection of his back was related to this. He could ask him about what he did and what those machines were. After all, tomorrow he was going to be "tested" somehow... apparently to see if he had some kind of potential. What was it? What would he be doing? Surely he had a lot of questions now. And at this point Bern ought to answer them.
"Yes... we should go, however..." Bern murmured, bowing his head and gently taking Wess's hand in his own again. Wess could feel that his hands were still trembling. Everything that had happened here had really been hard on him. Hopefully he wouldn't have to deal with such a horrible experience again. Though given the kind of position he was in, it was probably just part of his life...
~~~~~
Wess took the other's hand gratefully, and then took a step closer and pulled him into a warm hug. "Thank you, for that." He told him, giving Bern a small squeeze, as if in an attempt to still his trembling. He opened his mouth, as if to add to that, but he wasn't really certain what to say. He felt like he should apologize for following Bern down here, and for causing all of this, but he was also grateful for the way things had turned out... at least, where their relationship was concerned. He still wasn't sure how eager he was to work for this dangerous and secretive government operation... he could certainly do it, and he would, but it wasn't exactly an appealing idea.
Then he pulled away from the other, and slipped his hand back into Bern's, twining their fingers together as he had done before. He just... wanted to be nearer to him, to have the other close by. Bern was still that incredible comfort and warmth to him, and he was also, well... he'd just gone through a lot, and he didn't seem steady, and Wess wanted to steady him. He wanted to be that same comfort, and that same warmth. Something Bern wouldn't be so afraid to hold on to.
While they walked to Bern's room, Wess kept mostly silent, and if Bern allowed him he would keep his hold on the other's hand as well. His mind whirred with questions he knew he couldn't ask in public, so rather than ask him, he drifted off into his own thoughts.
How long had Bern been thinking about getting Wess involved in this? What was Bern himself doing there? What were those machines, and why were they there? And what was on Bern's back? It took him a while to give up on those, and move instead to other things... like, how long Bern had actually felt the way he now did about Wess, and if he had kept quiet for his own sake, or for Wess's, in some way or another. He honestly wasn't really sure what to think, and while he knew the first few questions were ones he'd probably be able to ask without a problem, the others seemed more dangerous, more delicate. He would have to wait until Bern was stable and certain again, until this fucking roller coaster ended and they could focus on other things. Those things. He didn't want to, but he would have to. At least he would get /some/ of his questions answered.
He was still quiet when they arrived, giving Bern the chance to direct the conversation. If he was comfortable with talking about this operation, he would talk about it. And if not, well, Wess would wait until either Bern started talking about it, or he didn't think he could wait any longer. He /would/ need to know some things, before going through this testing business the next day...
~~~~~
Bern relaxed into the hug the other gave him, closing his eyes for a moment. He was still kind of unsettled, but at least this whole mess was all over with. He was still trembling a bit, but he was past the hard part. It was just taking him a while to calm down from all the adrenaline and fear. Now that they were alone here, and Bern could hold the other like this… well, it was comfortable. He’d really taken the concept of forfeiting closeness and romance for granted all this time. Now that he had the opportunity to enjoy it, he was going to do that. Relaxing against the other, he bowed his head over his shoulder for a moment, closing his eyes. He definitely wanted to get to know the other more. Especially if he ended up having the time. Assuming that they wouldn’t just decide to kill Wess or something. Surely they would find some use for him. He knew how smart he was. And he wouldn’t normally have ended up being sought out, so perhaps all the better.
When the other pulled away, Bern felt reluctant, and that was probably evident by the way he resisted the other’s pulling. He did finally let go, though… And when the other took his hand again, he felt more comfortable. Right now he knew he was acting really weird for himself. He didn’t care too much, though. He just needed to be close to someone at the moment. Preferably someone he cared about and wanted to touch and hold and be glad that he was alive after he’d made such a grave misjudgment… That was right, he still blamed himself for this happening. But at this point it didn’t matter much. He’d reversed the situation as much as possible, and now it would just be a matter of what they decided anyway.
Bern stayed silent on the way back, too, but he was hoping they would get back soon, very soon. He just wanted to fall into bed and pull a blanket over his head and just spend some time in silence with Wess. Though that wasn’t to say that he wouldn’t talk to him. Actually, that might help him relax more, just knowing that he could tell him anything he wanted to know. No more secrets between them… It was really a relief to think about it that way.
Finally, they arrived back at Bern’s apartment. He unlocked the door, his hand steadier now. However, he just took the key out of the door, taking a few steps in, pushing himself up onto the (lofted) bed, moving all the way to the back wall and collapsing against it, tilting his head downward. Honestly, he was just exhausted, now that all this had passed. He needed a moment… But that moment didn’t seem to last long, because if Wess didn’t move to join him, he would raise his head again, looking around for him, as though to say without ever speaking that he wanted Wess to be near.
When/if the other joined him, he’d speak softly, with about all the volume he felt he needed. “…I suppose… you have a lot of questions now.”
~~~~~
Wess closed the door behind Bern when he moved over to the bed, and stood there for a moment, content to watch him and look about the room. It still felt safe, to him... safer than his own room, and a kind of second home to him. It was a place that was... Bern. And it was good, he decided, that Bern was relaxing now. Maybe he was tired, but that was only to be expected... he seemed more calm, though, and that was what mattered.
When Bern looked up and for him, Wess moved over to sit beside the other on the bed, and his hand found Bern's again. He wanted to move closer than that, to wrap his arms around the other and pull him close, but he didn't want to do anything he wasn't certain Bern wanted at that particular moment.
"Of course." He answered, and leaned his head back against the wall, his long legs stretched out before him on the bed. "I suppose it would be best to start with the broad... What, exactly, is a secret government organization doing beneath Leckleston's?" He kept his voice at about the same level as Bern's, but there was more of a joking tone to it, as if he was trying to make the question less heavy than it was.
Of course it would be more important to know what an Integrator was, and what they were supposed to do, and possibly any other job positions that his skills might apply to, but that was the thing he was most curious about. Plus, he figured Bern's mind was probably not functioning at it's usual incredibly high capacity, and that seemed to be the easiest thing to explain before leading in to the jobs needed to help that overarching purpose.
~~~~~
For right now, Bern wasn’t entirely sure where he felt safe, apart from being close to Wess. But a lot had happened lately. He’d gone through a similar emotional change when he’d been injured that one time… Though not quite the same. He’ d grown distrustful of the world, instead, not feeling safe anywhere. Despite everything, he’d spent a lot of time curled up, with only the safety of his own body. Though Wess still didn’t know exactly what had happened. Now, he couldn’t say that he was nearly as upset as he’d been then. More shaken, definitely. He was beginning to feel a lot better, but going through that traumatic experience of nearly having to kill someone he cared deeply about… even loved, was awfully powerful. Though the sensation of relief had washed over him like a tidal wave long ago, something still lingered. Maybe that was the reason he felt such a powerful need to be near Wess, though he also figured that could be chalked up to really, really loving and caring about him. It was as though Wess was the only one he felt comfortable about inviting into a place he previously would not have trusted anyone to occupy.
And he did invite him. He was glad that the other was willing to come, and he gently brushed the hand that Wess didn’t hold over theri clasped hands, leaning away from the cold wall and onto Wess’s much warmer form. He wasn’t that heavy, but he also wasn’t totally slumping against him. Honestly, even after all this time, time he’d spent getting used to holding hands and being affectionate, he was still awkward, and seemed kind of uncomfortable in all of his movements. In fact, most of the things Wess had felt from him both physically and emotionally in the last half hour had been the most intense and… seemingly unrestrained he’d ever experienced. Like they came from Bern’s actual heart, and didn’t have to be moderated by his head.
When the other started asking questions, Bern shifted his position, trying to prepare some decent answers for him. “Well, I have to admit I don’t know everything about the answer to that question that I would like to know, but I’ll tell you what I know. Our organization is a secret branch of the military. While we only have domestic military that the average people know about, we are not by any means to function as domestic military.” But then what? Surely there weren’t enemy nations they had to defend themselves against… Or were there?
Bern explained the situation in greater detail, then. “We have reason to believe that there is a threat out there, a certain foreign power which seemingly has a great capability to destroy these lands and the people that inhabit them. We are part of an effort to develop certain technologies which will, most hopefully, be able to handle an attack on our lands and allow us to defend ourselves. So you can think of us as an addition to the already domestic police force. But they don’t want people knowing that we are doing anything, because, for one, it is believed that there are many enemy spies already in our nation…” He trailed off, looking momentarily upset. This brought back memories of not long ago. “And I think you can see how people might panic if they knew we were researching and preparing for war. That’s not something we want to be public information in the first place… Anyway, so I think you can see that they are looking for talent here at this university. There aren’t a whole lot of people who have been recruited, but a while ago, we ran a test as part of the curriculum for initial recruitment. My class just happened to be one of the ones tested. They saw potential in me and recruited me, though… from what I understand, they weren’t able to recruit most of the people that had the abilities necessary. Many of them failed at the second test… which is basically one that shows them whether or not they are fit to participate in something like this in the first place. Too many people… have lives going in other directions. I completely understand why Elias would rather let them pursue their dreams... So, as you can imagine, my life changed a lot in that moment…” Anyway, he was learning more about Bern now, wasn’t he? He didn’t know much about Bern’s personal life. Perhaps it wasn’t that he had asked. But he didn’t know anything about his family at all. Or why he had chosen to go to Leckleston’s in the first place.
And before long, he’d start learning even more about Bern. He’d start learning that language that he probably felt was completely inaccessible about him before. He’d learn that the other wanted to kiss him a lot. But he’d also learn that Bern didn’t really do that… No, he was self-conscious, he knew he was no good at it. So, instead he gave him this look that said “I want to kiss you… I really do, but I can’t.” And if the other went long enough without following up on it (as Wess might test to see what would happen), he’d eventually peck him lightly on the lips, or the cheek, but nothing else. And sometimes he wouldn’t move to hold him, but instead kind of nudge him, like he was uncertain whether the other wanted him to do that, as well. Bern’s emotions were really weird, sometimes… that much Wess probably understood, though perhaps the other appreciated that about him, just like the rest of him.
~~~~~
Wess hadn’t exactly gone through the same things Bern had, and he wasn’t nearly as shaken, but there was a little more than care for the other driving him to want to be so close. He’d been terrified, and his life had felt, for the first, as if it had been slipping away entirely. While there had been some fear there when he’d been dealing with Tranquility, this was entirely different… He’d felt as if that was it, there were no other options. He couldn’t run to Bern and beg for support, for help, and he couldn’t just… quite it. That had been it, the only option, the only possible outcome. And it was gone, now, and he felt far more safe again, but that ‘close call’ feeling still stuck with him, to some extent. And then there was Bern himself… He was clearly not as stable as Wess was, and he honestly couldn’t blame him. If Wess had been in the same position, been forced to point a gun at Bern and told to shoot, he… well, he wouldn’t be in a good state, either. And he could see that Bern wanted to be close, to find some comfort, some stability, and Wess wanted to provide that and just… make the rest of it go away. To ward away those feelings, for him.
So when Bern shifted to lean into him, his free hand brushing their held ones, Wess took that as a definite will to have him closer, and he took his hand entirely away to wrap it around Bern’s shoulders and pull the other into him. It did feel nice, having the other so willing to just… let go of the tight restraints he’d had on himself for so long, and openly want for close intimacy. And while Wess had never been so hesitant to be intimate, he’d always had a certain carefulness about his affections, as if he wanted to make sure Bern was alright with them before he expressed them. So now that he was certain Bern wanted those things, he was happy to pull him near and let that carefulness slip away…. The hand that wasn’t around Bern’s shoulders moved over and took Bern’s nearest hand, while the other spoke, and he gave his hand a light squeeze.
Wess watched the other’s face as he spoke, respecfully silent and interested, and when that tone of distress entered Bern’s expression, he tightened his grip on the other just a bit in an attempt to comfort him. Well… that had to be in reference to the person who’d hunted him down and hurt him those few weeks ago, right? So this meant that these spies must be dangerous, incredibly so… While Wess might be escaping an immediate death by joining this organization, he would be placing himself in the way of other dangers… it wasn’t over, after all.
Would he have to stop ‘pursuing his dreams’, as Bern was saying? Well… he didn’t exactly have many, just getting through his courses, finding a job somewhere in the Capitol… preferably one that paid well, so he could send extra money back to his mother.
His mother… he wasn’t going to be able to tell her anything about this, for once. And would this put her at risk, too? He couldn’t allow that… he would have to find some way to keep and eye on her, in case…
In case someone attacked. Oh, god, was he going to have to learn to fight? Well, it might put him at ease some, if he was going to start subjecting himself to so much danger, but he didn’t particularly want to have to fight, and he didn’t particularly want to learn how, either. But… well, it was necessary, wasn’t it? And it was certainly better than dying.
It was all better than dying. He would have to keep that in mind, keep reminding himself that the alternative was actually being killed. And he would get to be with Bern, too… really with him. It would be alright.
He nodded as Bern finished, now staring at the wall in front of them. “I certainly can imagine…” He mumbled, then, clearer, “That is…. quite a lot. Thank you for telling me.” He was silent for a moment, still turning all of this over in his head, all of the ways this was going to affect him… And Bern… how had this affected Bern? He really knew only so much about him, and that much wasn’t actually much. Really, it was very little… “What… if you don’t mind sharing with me, what was… what were you doing before this?” His tone was more quiet, as if afraid to upset Bern in his question.
~~~~~
Bern was feeling a lot more calm now that he was far, far away from the situation that had literally caused a mental breakdown for him. And here he’d thought he was so much stronger than that. But even looking back on the circumstances made him start trembling a bit again. He was being shown just how much he didn’t have control over his emotions, and it was scary. He never wanted to feel like that again. Though he thought… that the situation was very particular, and the specificity of it was the reason why he just couldn’t handle it. So maybe he was better off than he thought? He didn’t know. Maybe it didn’t matter; right now all he cared about was having Wess close. And having him there right now, he was feeling relaxed. The other had gotten his hint and was holding him now. If he hadn’t been able to let go of his worries and frustrations about this kind of closeness, he didn’t know where he’d be right now. There was just something about this that calmed him more than anything, more than any therapy he’d ever had, which unfortunately wasn’t much. Still, the warmth and comfort of having Wess close did things for him that were nothing short of magical.
While the other listened quietly, Bern just kept talking. The words seemed to spill out so easily now. Perhaps because he’d been holding them back for so long. Now that Wess was involved… well, it was important for him to know a lot. And Bern felt it was necessary to tell him as much as possible. Yes, this was going to cause him to have to learn how to fight, assuming he was going to have any influence and wasn’t just a spare Notist for them. He didn’t think they would place him that low. It wasn’t to say that he wouldn’t have a choice or anything, but Bern really thought he was going to have more potential for them, and he knew that this organization liked to get the most out of their people. He hadn’t thought much about how this would affect Wess and his family, and it was partially because of the way it affected him. Wess might have to leave behind his dreams… if only temporarily. Integrators weren’t as tied to the whole thing as Liberators like himself were, and at the time he’d been recruited, Liberators were in higher demand. Simply put, Liberators bound themselves to them. Integrators weren’t necessarily required to be so devoted, despite how few people had a talent for it. It just had to do with what was required.
And no, he hadn’t thought much of it because his own personal world wasn’t much affected by being a part of this. And that seemed to be the question that Wess was asking him now. Asking him more about his personal life. He felt worried at first. He didn’t talk about it for a reason… partially because there wasn’t much to say. But fair enough. He would go on and tell him. After all, if there was anyone he trusted, it would have to be him… right? He could do this. He’d told Elias a few things, so he could tell Wess a few things.
“…I… wasn’t doing anything before this. I guess.” He thought the other had put the question weirdly, considering he knew that he had to be asking him what his past was like. “I never knew my parents. I was told that my father was in the military, though. Nobody seemed to know much about my mother, all I knew is that I was an orphan and I grew up in an orphanage. But no one ever wanted to adopt me. I still don’t know why. The ladies at the orphanage even found a professional to try and help, because they thought that I was doing something to scare away people. But… The way I see it, it’s like when one comes to an orphanage looking for children, it’s like coming to buy a puppy. You see the whole litter and the ones you are attracted to are the ones that are barking and licking your face. You don’t care about the one in the corner. But I’m not like those ones… so it just didn’t happen.”
He took a deep breath. “And I kind of lied to you earlier. I shouldn’t have been so protective of my past… but I suppose I did. The only reason I’m at Leckleston’s and didn’t get kicked out to fend for myself is Elias. He’d had trouble finding people with potential and the right circumstances. So he came looking in other places. I’m going to school because of him. Under the guise that he’s giving me an education that will give me an opportunity in the future. I do that, but I’ve educated myself…” He gave a slightly wistful smile. “It’s more like a cover-up, I guess. And I don’t think I’d learn so much about Runing from books, either…”
So that was what his past was like… Maybe Wess had more questions about that, or more about other things that were involved. What he could be doing. What Bern did. What was on Bern’s back. There were just so many questions!
~~~~~
Wess couldn't help but pull the other closer when he spoke, his grip tightening (though not painfully) and the hand that was holding Bern's shifting to intertwine their fingers, his thumb moving gently over the back of the other's hand in a soothing, stroking way. He even tilted his head to the side, and kissed his hair before leaning his head on Bern's. He knew that kind of thing had probably had a huge impact on Bern, left some kind of emotional trauma behind, whether or not the other had come to accept it as something that was there yet... And he wanted to make sure Bern was okay, and felt... wanted. Because surely, that hadn't exactly made him feel like anyone wanted to be around him.
"That is... I hope you do not feel unwanted." He said quietly, "I certainly want you." His tone was warm, and he was obviously trying to comfort, even if Bern didn't really need that comfort. "I do love you." He paused, then, unsure where to go from there. Well... he could share what his life had been like. That seemed to fit the moment.
"I grew up in a situation incredibly different from that. I have spoken of my father leaving, and of my mother, briefly... she is a lovely woman, and she has been supportive of me from the start, if a bit unsure of how to handle my actual gender being different from that of my physical one. She struggles in that aspect, but she tries. She has not loved me less for it, and she will not. And my father... I told you how he left, when I was young. How my mother never told me why... Given recent events, I am fairly certain he was there for a time in a similar way to the one that had him in my own home for those few weeks, though I... I am not certain if she was pulled under the influence with him. " He paused here, uncertain if he should continue, for a moment, then began again. "I have always hated him, and been angry towards him, though I do not much like that particular emotion, and I have never outwardly expressed it if I could help it. And... my mother has always been poor, mostly incapable of supporting us in the Treescape. I came here on scholarships, for the most part, with the end goal of simply making enough money to support her where she is, and myself in the Capitol. I did not plan on becoming a notist until the beginning of this year, as I have told you, though the science of it and careers including it are greatly reflective of my artistic interests." He finished there of a note that suggested he was going to continue, but he didn't. He wasn't even sure if Bern wanted to hear that much, but... he sort of wanted to bring his thoughts away from those of his own past, the ones that would make him feel worse. Wess's wasn't nearly as bad, he thought, and wouldn't affect him in the same way, surely...
"I suppose that information is largely irrelevant, though..." He said this a bit softer, coming down from the more matter-of-fact tone he'd used before. "What of the job you mentioned? What does an Integrator do? I assume it would be useful to prepare myself for tomorrow." He was certainly interested in more of what Bern might have gone through, might be going through, how this had all affected his life and what was on his back, but he didn't want to pursue the subject for now. Clearly, all of that was darker than he'd thought...
~~~~~
It was probably interesting hearing all about Bern, how he had gotten where he was today. He didn’t really have much to say, but that was because his life probably… really had been plenty uneventful. He’d spent all his time at the orphanage, never getting adopted, and before long, surely, he knew that he wasn’t going to. It was a bad sign for a child if they weren’t adopted in a matter of a few years, after all. He might have given up after a while… just accepted that he was never going to leave. And he’d done what he wanted to do. Though that had ended up being a good thing for him. The Bern Wess knew was insanely intelligent. He might not have been loved or cared about, but that wasn’t to say that he wasn’t deserving of it. Rather the opposite, really. If anyone needed someone to care about them, it was him. Though now Wess could probably tell why he reacted so strangely to contact, relationships and romance… He really didn’t know anything about any of those things. Even if anyone at the orphanage was willing to provide him with contact, they had lots of other kids to deal with. Not just him. He hadn’t gotten the attention he needed. Though he’d taken it rather well, all considered. He had joined this underground military effort… perhaps… thinking that there was nothing else. That now he had something to live for. And die for, for that matter. He was the perfect kind of person for them.
As Wess held him closer, even kissing his hair like that, he felt a wave of sensation he recognized, but definitely loved. It was hard to say just why, but what he could be sure of was that it felt really nice. Like he knew the other meant it. He knew that he really wasn’t lying when he said things like he wanted and loved him. Bern had been able to handle so much of his life without those things, or at least being told those things and having someone mean it. Though if Wess was lying to him for some reason, if he changed his mind… he might not be able to take it. Now that he was being told all these things, he didn’t know if he could go without them. He wanted to leave all that emotional stress behind and trust in Wess… and he was already doing that. More than he could have wanted to. Being driven by his heart was an uncomfortable and unfamiliar feeling to him, but he was getting better about relaxing, at least.
He closed his eyes, still leaning heavily against the other comforting him as he listened to Wess tell his story. It sounded more normal to him. A lot more normal than his, at that. And he brought up the personal concept that Wess had yet to mention outright to him, which made Bern feel like the other trusted him, too. He’d known about it for a long time, but he hadn’t bothered to say anything. It wasn’t like it mattered, why would it matter? He nodded, a dark look moving over his expression as Wess insinuated that his mother may have been under the same influence as he had, at some point in time… He didn’t want him to have to dig up those kinds of painful memories or insinuations. He could tell that Wess didn’t like conflict… didn’t like hatred, and that was one of the few uncertainties he had about him, in regards to the situation he’d gotten himself caught up in. That would have to be something they would work on. It wasn’t to say that the other had to hate, but that he had to grow comfortable with combat for his own protection. Bern would gladly be his sparring partner. He knew enough, he could probably teach him most everything he’d need to know all by himself…
“It’s okay…” Bern murmured. He was actually kind of relieved that the other had decided not to talk more about himself. He could tell it wasn’t always pleasant for the other. “I’m not sure there’s anything you can do to prepare yourself for the test. An Integrator is kind of hard to explain. I don’t fully understand it myself, and that’s probably why we have so much trouble finding them. Apparently years ago when I came into the picture, we had an excess of Integrators, but now they’ve grown rare. And we just lost another one. Naturally, it’s the first position they’ll want to test you for. Anyway… Integrators are a person with an ability to draw up the energy from the earth. You can see that this has similarities to what a Runer does, but the Integrators are able to do more. They can do it without runes… if that even makes sense. Basically, pulling the earth’s energy out of anything. The atmosphere, the natural objects… the Integrator does this. Though while they can’t hold it themselves, they can manipulate it.”
He knew this was probably going to be a lot for the other to understand right away. How that was even possible without a rune, for example. But that was part of the reason they were so rare. They were people with a stronger than usual control over energy. And that counterbalanced the Liberators… the class of which Bern was, who had an overabundance of disruptive energy, and therefore, a far greater ability to manipulate it than the average person, themselves.
“…So the Integrator has to work with the Liberator,” Bern tried to explain. “I’m a Liberator. The Integrator channels the energy to the Liberator, who has the ability to hold it, or disperse it. We can draw in small amounts of it on our own, but not enough to do anything very useful. That’s why we have the machines you saw. You could say they are something like lightning rods. Once we collect enough energy with our own efforts and the assistance of the Integrator, we can channel it through those machines. They amplify the power significantly, and this power can be used to deal great damage on practically anything.”
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Post by ActuallyFace on Feb 13, 2014 18:15:51 GMT -8
Wess kept tight hold of the other, reluctant to let him go... he was still marveling in this new development, this sudden ability to hold him as close as he wanted and kiss him and hold his hand and... and he didn't have to be careful anymore, not really. At least, not as much. Bern wasn't refusing any of it, and in fact seemed to want more of it. It was simply lovely, just... wonderful. So, so wonderful. And usually Wess might be a bit more hesitant to express his emotions, and to show so much affection so often, but with Bern it was different. Bern was already so careful, so hesitant and restrained himself, that Wess couldn't be the same. He simply couldn't. He had to make up for it all himself.
When Bern mentioned being involved in this for years, Wess wasn't quite sure what to think... had he really been doing this for all that time? It seemed... insane. How was he still alive?! And how long would Wess be doing this? What if it dispersed, would he still be involved in some other way, or would they let him go? That probably depended on how much he ended up figuring out, or knowing in general... There had to be some kind of pay, too, right? But Bern wasn't exactly rolling in money, so... Wess would have to keep doing something else, some other kind of job, if he wanted to work up money to send to his mother. But it was still better than dying, he reminded himself.
And working with energy without runes... surely, that wasn't possible! Or... well, alright, he did that with Noting, in a way. But it wasn't so direct as Bern was describing, it was more... it was another language, one intricate but universal, that manipulated matter with energy being a sort of tool in the process, more... a means of guiding things, an assistance. It was more complex, and a subdivision of the more broad energy runing dealt with. Dealing with energy directly... he didn't doubt his ability to do it, with the proper guidance, but... it would be difficult, it would be strange and certainly new. An element of interest was certainly there, though...
But how had so many Integrators been lost? And in only a matter of a few years... was it the work, or the people doing it? Or perhaps the people overseeing it... It seemed as if it could certainly be dangerous, incredibly so... Wess would have to be careful, and he would probably risk his life in more than one way, but... That was okay. It was still better than dying for certain, so much better...
And it was nice, learning all of these new things about Bern. He'd really known so little before, just his present interests, and what Wess himself had thought of and felt about him. And he was interested in the other, he wanted to know more, to learn more... He trusted Bern, and he truly cared for him. Wess had hardly had the chance to feel this way about anyone else. Well... he'd felt love, for his mother, but he had never really made friends. Sure, he'd gone to school and he had met others and a few he had even liked, even grown fond of, but never so much as he had for Bern, and it had never developed into something romantic, into... this. Into something that allowed him to put an arm around another and pull them close, clasp another's hand in his, kiss them and... and openly feel things for them. And he was fairly certain Bern had never really felt the same way... he seemed, by nature, alone. And he wasn't really sorrowful in his being alone, but rather he accepted it, and seemed to embrace it. He didn't seem to really want anyone else around, not until they were there, and that was definitely a safe way to be. Wess was often that way himself, though there was always that want for more, for something, and he was probably just pushing those feelings onto his image of Bern (it wouldn't be unusual, he was not entirely wonderful at telling what others felt), but he couldn't help but think Bern was a very similar way.
"Why do they not use runes to do the same? Surely, they could extract and direct power in much the same way people with these... abilities, could." He said, frowning a bit. "And how is this possible, without runes? Does this have something to do with your back?" Oh... he'd said that a bit too fast, letting the question out before he should have. Shit. Shit! He shouldn't have done that. "You do not have to tell me, I mean... I do not need to know. I will not pry." The color in his face drained, and he was blabbering on now when he probably shouldn't have. He shouldn't have mentioned Bern's back... if that was something different, something he really didn't want to talk about, something more secret and entirely unrelated, he... oh, he shouldn't have done that. He really shouldn't have mentioned it.
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Post by empyreanVisionary on Feb 13, 2014 21:16:03 GMT -8
Bern didn’t want to let Wess go, either. Despite the way he had been so hesitant in the beginning, even backing off from him after he’d seemed to make it clear that certain things were okay, now that he was able to open up to him, not worrying about consequences… But he knew he could trust Wess. He liked everything he did, no matter what it was. Wess was able to provide him with touching, holding, and comfort he hadn’t been able to have at any other point in his life, and it was stunning to him too, the sudden change in… well, everything. He’d trusted Wess all this time. But now that all this had happened, he felt like he actually could trust him with everything. In fact, he’d started wondering if he’d be able to sleep alone tonight. Sure, he’d done it for every night of his life so far. But things were different now, and now… he just didn’t know if he’d be able to let go of him. Anyway, as it was, Bern loved that Wess was willing to give him attention, so he was definitely accepting whatever the other was willing to offer. He seemed pretty pleased by everything the other had done, and even appeared to invite it, after all.
Yes, Bern had clearly been involved in this for years. He wouldn’t have learned how to use a gun, or how to fight and defend himself the way he did at an orphanage. Surely that was obvious to Wess when he’d had his throat grabbed and the wind knocked out of him that day he tried to look under Bern’s shirt… that much couldn’t exactly be doubted, could it? Though Wess would probably realize that Bern probably hadn’t actually had to fight and kill anyone before. That might have happened to the person who had attacked him, though, judging by the notes that Bern gave him. Though it did probably seem odd that so many Integrators were being lost… That was a good question. And perhaps the answer to it would help him answer some of his questions. And he had to have plenty more that came out of all this information that Bern was describing to him! He’d probably be answering questions all night!
Wess might be surprised at how much Bern felt for him, even if he wasn’t sure the other shared the same feelings. He was just a different personality, after all. It didn’t mean that he necessarily didn’t feel the same, perhaps just that he expressed himself differently. He’d already had plenty of evidence to prove that Bern didn’t really make much sense when it came to romance, so he could assume that was just the way he was, right? He had a hard time getting it, and showing it. But he was starting to learn how to understand him now, and that was very important.
As the other kept asking him questions, Bern tried to keep up with him. Though, as he went to answer, the other had gone on about his back, and now he was looking panicked. At first Bern wasn’t sure how he should react to that, but he then realized just how worried the other had become about letting that slip. No, he had to let him know it was okay. Bern looked back at him, a bit alarmed thanks to his surprise at the other’s reaction to his own words! He gently rested one hand on Wess’s face to get his attention, but only for a brief moment, and only for that purpose. He was too embarrassed to do otherwise. “No, no, calm down. It’s okay. “ Then, probably to Wess’s surprise, he started unbuttoning his shirt to take it off. Then he slid it off his shoulders. Finally the other would get his questions answered, right? Bern figured he ought to just show him, because it would help him answer the other’s question in the first place.
“We couldn’t do the same kind of damage, even with a rune, without the Integrator, anyway. We can’t draw enough power with the rune alone. And given that, while the runes respond well enough, people using this same power respond faster and better to each other.” He turned then, showing the other his back. And Wess would probably be surprised (or maybe not at this point) at what he saw… there was a tattoo on his back, between his shoulder blades, and it was a tattoo of a rune! It was easy to tell it was a rune, but it wasn’t one that Wess would have recognized. So that was what Bern’s purpose was! He was basically a living rune, one that could be easily moved, that could probably affect whatever was going on! From what he’d said, it sounded like the rune allowed him to actually store the energy in his body and conduct it. While a person might be able to manipulate the energy outside of them, that was what this rune allowed. And it wasn’t something that a rune could do by itself, either! Although, at seeing this, surely Wess would also realize why not many people would want to be Liberators. In doing this, it looked like they were more bound to the whole operation than someone who didn’t have to have a tattoo of some kind…
Bern let the other take a good look if he wanted; he didn’t turn around again. “There are small fragments of the material used to convey runes in the ink. So this rune is not just a representational rune, but a real one. It allows me to conduct the energy, and absorb it to some extent.” So… now a lot of things would probably click for Wess at seeing this. The other hadn’t done anything to make him feel weird lately, like there was too much energy in the air, energy that might make his skin prickle or his hair stand on end. When Bern had shattered that glass in the bar… it had been an accidental outpour of energy. When he’d cracked the bottles of Glass Thoughts… That had been the same thing! Better controlled, of course! The pieces were coming together now.
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Post by ActuallyFace on Feb 14, 2014 1:49:02 GMT -8
Wess stepped back out of his worries when he felt Bern's hand on his face, heard his words... he let out a bit of his breath, relieved that he was okay but also rather surprised. He'd fully expected him to blow up again, to be angry or defensive or disappointed or some terrifying mixture of both, and... he wasn't. He retracted the arm that was still around the other as he moved to slip the shirt down, watching silently, suddenly less surprised and far, far more interested than he'd even been during Bern's description of the Integrator's job.
He couldn't help but touch the tattoo, hesitantly and gently, with only the tips of his fingers when Bern turned to show it to him. Well... okay, it was honestly way less impressive than he'd expected, but he could see why Bern had guarded it so carefully. Wess wasn't exactly an expert in the subject of runes, but he'd taken a few classes, and he did know a few things... he knew how to use them, and what they did, and what they looked like, for example... things that could definitely endanger this organization's secrecy, when combined with the sight of Bern's tattoo, the knowledge that it was even there...
He drew his hand away, then, meeting the other's eyes with his own again as he spoke. There was a slight frown on his lips again, just barely, but there was also something in his eyes that made it very clear that he was assembling most of the picture now. Bern was, in essence, a rune himself... that tattoo was what allowed him to store and release energy, as he had just described... and while runes often changed depending on the type of energy and how or where it flowed in a certain area, this one was simpler, something that must be more universal in it's ability to accomplish those two tasks.
And then those memories of the strange energy about Bern he had felt those few times, the things he'd just passed off as a chilly breeze, a physical reaction to anger, something like affection... they'd all felt the same, they'd all felt like energy. And that must have been what they were. They were Bern's control slipping, just barely... And it was for a very specific reason.
So, if Wess became an Integrator, he'd have to have a tattoo of his own, right? Well, hiding it would be easy enough. It wasn't like he was exactly free with his bare body as it was. But if he could do what Bern had said, could absorb and change energy... what if it ended up something like how Bern already was? Something his control could slip on? If he could alter a form of energy, he could do incredibly dangerous things... he could turn the Earth's energy into heat, he could turn heat into motion, and if he failed to keep a tight reign on those things, he could do some serious damage and endanger not only himself, but the whole operation... well, that was probably why the previous Integrators had gone, then. All it took was a small slip... Bern was usually so in control, it really couldn't be any way but. And Wess was, if nothing else, incredibly in control of himself and the expression of his emotions. Perhaps Bern had recognized that, and that was why he'd spoken of Wess to his superior.
"That... makes sense." He mumbled, more to himself than to Bern. "That makes much more sense... And must take an enormous amount of preparation, training, control... They cannot possibly unleash tattooed people upon the world without a large amount of training. But even then, it must be difficult to keep control of so much power... And so much to be done with it, too. One could essentially become a classic superhero. Should I be accepted as an Integrator, would I be spending my days in that place, sheltered from the world, until I master control? Or will such preparation come before? Surely, they cannot fully prepare anyone for that... And other jobs? Noting jobs?" Most of this was said at a louder volume, one Bern could more easily hear, but his gaze had drifted away again, and he seemed to be talking to himself rather than to Bern.
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Post by empyreanVisionary on Feb 14, 2014 9:02:24 GMT -8
What Bern had been hiding from him wasn't necessarily impressive, but it was something that he definitely had to keep a secret, now that Wess was able to see it. Anyone who worked with runes at all could make the connection, if they thought about it. People didn't just tattoo themselves with runes, because there was something disturbing about it that wasn't really culturally acceptable. But now he knew. He knew what the other had been hiding, and he had to understand. Bern hadn't been trying to make him upset; he really just hadn't wanted him to accidentally figure anything out that he shouldn't. It wasn't impressive, it wasn't particularly special. But it was something very important. As Wess trailed his fingertips over the mark, Bern shivered a little. Even though he'd gotten it so long ago, it was still sensitive. It had been more painful than a normal tattoo, if only because it was full of ground up stone that was normally used for carving runes... even though he'd long since healed from it, it was still kind of sensitive every once in a while. No one could blame him.
Everything had to make a lot more sense now. Perhaps the fact that it was a human using the rune who had a greater than normal ability to disrupt energy made it possible to absorb all different kinds with only one rune. Perhaps it made it more possible for him to change the form of energy. And definitely, to store it and release it. He'd already proven that he could do those kinds of things just from normal daily life with Wess, even though he hadn't really made the connection. Bern was especially disruptive, a particularly powerful Liberator, so that was why he had a little more difficulty controlling his power sometimes. Thankfully, though Wess didn't know it yet, Integrators were not at all the same as Liberators. More people could be easily found to be Liberators, as a great amount of people had a more highly disruptive energy, but fewer people had the potential to be Integrators. Thankfully, Integrators didn't have to bind themselves to the system the way Liberators did. Integrators had a natural talent that they didn't need to manipulate, just to train. As an Integrator, he'd be able to draw up energy for a Liberator for them to use. Their job was easier, less taxing, and also easier to leave. That was part of the reason Integrators often left... They had a more casual connection to the program, and Elias was a kind man. If he trusted those he worked with, and they had reasons to leave, he would let them. An Integrator could leave. A Liberator... could probably not.
And Bern didn't really know if he wanted to talk about why he was missing an Integrator at that exact moment, but he would talk if he was encouraged to do so. right now, though, he just listened. Yes, everything took a lot of training. That was what he did at least twice a week, usually more. But he'd skipped today, and for good reason. He had a lot of questions that Bern was just going to have to try and answer the best he could.
"...Relax for a second. Yes, you're going to be required to learn the basics, but Elias isn't going to hold you there when you're a student. It's suspicious. And you don't have as much you can do with your control of your power... Well, if you were an Integrator, that is. You can manipulate it, but not in a way that you can do any damage with it. Liberators are the dangerous ones. We're able to stockpile the energy and release it. But we only have so much power to gather it, and that's where the Integrators come in. They make us have the ability to do real damage."
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Post by ActuallyFace on Feb 14, 2014 11:39:34 GMT -8
Wess quieted himself when the other spoke, returning his attention to Bern. Okay, so it was much less extreme than he'd assumed... that was good. It sounded like he wouldn't need to tie himself so tightly to this, like his job would be a whole lot less dangerous and serious, and that was definitely a comforting thought. He nodded his understanding, and shifted so he was sitting against the wall again, trying, in his motions, to let Bern know that he could sit back as well now. He had relaxed some, actually quite a lot, since learning all of these things... Most of his questions had been answered, and that was putting him greatly at ease. Despite the obvious fact that he'd have to do a lot of things now that he didn't really want to do, he felt this was going to be a lot easier than he'd originally thought.
"That answers most of that, then." He sighed, "I suppose that's everything important." If Bern leaned had leaned back again, Wess would slip his arm back around him. He sounded somewhat satisfied, now, though there were still questions that gnawed at him... delicate ones, ones that he couldn't justify asking now. After a long moment, though, he spoke up again, "How long have you been considering involving me?"
Well, that was certainly a delicate question as well, but his mind was turning away from these new revelations and wandering back towards his relationship with Bern... He was wondering, again, things more along the lines of how long Bern had actually felt this way, and why he'd suddenly realized it or... if he had before, and simply suppressed it... despite all of this new information, Bern was still largely a mystery, and one Wess wanted to solve now more than he ever had before. And what about what they were now? There wasn't much stopping them from actually being in a romantic relationship, not that Wess could see, but if this involvement in this organization forced them apart in one way or another, or... what about their actual relationship? Wess assumed he'd go back to his room before dark came, and he had to play tonight, didn't he? He would have to do that, but what of Bern? Wess would stay, if the other needed it, but... there were no lines drawn, no boundaries yet, no ways to gauge what was okay and what wasn't except the reaction the other had to the things Wess attempted. And he could wait, he could feel his way carefully around until he was absolutely certain Bern was okay to talk about it, but he still wanted to know.
Wess hadn't really picked up on Bern's specific lack of an Integrator, since all he'd mentioned was that they were low in general at the moment. So he would let the subject lie... His mind was in other places, anyways. There were still so many things to think about, to wonder about, and to figure out... He thought he'd figured out most of what he could about the operation Bern was involved in, but that didn't mean he wasn't still wondering things, still trying or wanting to figure them out.
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Post by empyreanVisionary on Feb 14, 2014 19:43:43 GMT -8
It had to relieve him to know that he wasn’t going to have to do a bunch of crazy shit, and be kept in captivity for a while… He wouldn’t be able to afford the time anyway; he’d missed enough classes as it was, so that wasn’t something he could do, and keep his position at the school. It had to make him glad to know that this wasn’t going to be something ridiculously huge that might change the entirety of his life. But he also had to consider that Bern hadn’t dragged him into this. He’d done it to himself because of his curiosity. And now it was the way he was going to stay alive… He could handle this, right? It was better than death. And Bern had made it sound like there might be a way out someday. It could be that he didn’t have to do this for long, after all. Or maybe… he’d get to feeling like he had to be here. His future was uncertain. But right now, he could tell that his future was with Bern, and maybe that was what he wanted right now.
Bern gave a slight shiver now that his shirt was off… It felt a little drafty. Though the other wrapped his arm back around him, which immediately warmed him. Why did Wess feel so damn warm? Perhaps he was just warm-bodied, or the warmth of being held just had a really strong impact on him. He didn’t care much, just found it terribly comforting… Anyway, Wess could probably tell how comfortable Bern seemed around him now. Those delicate questions were probably going to pose themselves eventually, and he’d probably answer them just as he’d answered all the others. It seemed that he did have one last question, though, and Bern seemed prepared enough to answer it. “…I didn’t really…” He shook his head, trying to think of a way to explain this well. “I suppose I considered it, but immediately forced the idea out of my head every time. But you came up in a conversation… around the time you were suffering from your addiction. And I might have started thinking then; I said a few things to Elias about you, and how I thought you might be a particularly great candidate for an Integrator. Someone who could help us anyway. I feel like you’re smart enough, for sure. It wasn’t that I ever wanted you here. Rather the opposite. I didn’t know if you had the skills. Just that you were the right kind of person.”
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Post by ActuallyFace on Feb 15, 2014 19:33:26 GMT -8
Wess was glad to pull the other close, to provide some warmth for him... he was still wearing his coat and scarf, so he probably wasn't doing much more than simply blocking the draft, but if Bern wanted it... And when he noticed that he did, he pulled him a bit closer, and held him just a bit tighter.
They stayed that way for a few additional hours, sitting in that room together... Wess kept asking the other questions, when they crossed his mind, and Bern would probably continue to answer them. He did keep well away from that delicate area, though, still convinced the other wasn't prepared to answer or hear them.
Eventually, Wess decided that he probably shouldn't wait any longer to go back to the tavern to play, and then get some rest... probably eat somewhere in that time frame, too. So he left Bern, though promised to come back before the test the next day. Perhaps long before... he didn't really have any classes, since it would be a Saturday, and he looked forward to spending more time with Bern.
It felt sort of... strange, leaving Bern. It seemed like so much had changed, and... well, it had. He'd spent hours coming down from the peak of an emotional roller coaster with Bern, and since the relationship between them had changed so dramatically, Wess hadn't broken contact with Bern for more than a few minutes. He felt... sort of empty, in that respect. It was the same kind of emptiness that was usually with him in some small respect, but now it felt larger more obvious, and contrasted by a warm joy that was the knowledge that now things were... different. He could go to Bern at almost any time, he could touch and hold him, even kiss him, probably...
He lost himself in these thoughts while he played his gig, his songs coming out slower and more wistful, even joyous, in a way. There were a couple during which he actually sung, and his somewhat high voice came out with a note of warmth in it that had been absent before. When he got up from his piano, perhaps a few more people than usual clapped, and then he dissolved into the crowd. Later that night, when he finally went to bed, he fell into sleep far easier than he usually did, too.
The next day Wess made his way back to Bern's room several hours before the test was supposed to start, a seemingly permanent smile lifting his lips ever so slightly. He was excited to see him again, of course he was... maybe it had only been a night, but he'd missed already being so near the other so often, just... being able to have him close. It wasn't exactly an unfounded feeling, either...
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Post by empyreanVisionary on Feb 15, 2014 22:31:53 GMT -8
Bern was so comfortable in Wess's arms right now, he was sure if he felt like he was awake or dreaming. So many horrors had happened just earlier that day, and he'd had such a hard time dealing with it... but surely he wasn't the only one who would have had such a powerful reaction. Hell, he knew he was emotionally tough to some extent. Maybe not to practice, but defensively. And his defenses had just been shattered. Now he found himself questioning if such a good result had really occurred, if if he'd died right then, and this was some kind of mysterious image of the afterlife. It almost didn't feel like reality. When he found himself actually questioning it, he knew it had to be something amazing. Bern just wasn't someone who questioned his own perception of reality.
He didn't mind staying with the other, answering every question that came to mind. Though he remained completely unaware of the questions the other had surely considered asking... these delicate questions. Perhaps Wess was just afraid to ask them while he was still so close to that emotional state he'd been in just before. In that case, perhaps the other could talk to him tomorrow, before they went to the testing. Bern would be in much better shape, and perhaps he wouldn't feel so guilty about asking sensitive questions by then. After sleeping on all this, at least. He had gotten so much better now. His trembling had stopped hours ago, and those physical signs of his fear and distress had probably been very uncomfortable for Wess to feel. Though they had been gone so quickly after he held him close and gave him plenty of attention. It wasn't like Bern just thrived on attention or anything; he'd needed that comfort at that moment; it had stabilized him, and honestly, his overwhelming emotion for the other needed some releasing. So all the cuddling they had done, staying close, never really parting... Bern had needed it. He'd needed to show his deep emotions for the other; they were practically beginning to eat him alive! And seeing... even feeling that Wess felt the same way... It was overwhelmingly wonderful to him. So, this was what love was like, huh. Love... something he couldn't just ignore or deny. It felt like there was no other alternative. Even for Bern, who felt like a master of finding all the alternatives, everything possible... couldn't see any way to continue living his life without Wess. And this was both scary and exciting to him. It was such a mixed feeling, he didn't know how to feel about it, he only knew that the comfort he felt was a good sign. There was too much good in how he felt now for him to ignore it. Love really did crazy things to his head.
If only he knew that Wess had the same problem. It wasn't a problem for his music, though. He was probably playing some of his best shows now that he was feeling the way he did. Being in love... the emotion of it would end up showing. His music, his singing would be more passionate. He had something to drive him, to motivate him. And maybe before long, he'd gain more appreciation for it, too.
It had been hard for Bern to let the other go when he had to leave... but he understood that he had to work to support himself. It was just how things were. He'd been so close to Wess for so long, though... it was hard when he had to untangle their fingers and let him go. He'd really never thought about it being hard to sleep alone before. Though thankfully, sleep didn't end up being a problem. If anything, it was a little easier, even though he went to sleep feeling lonely, having tried to distract himself with hours of studying before settling in. He didn't want to think about it too much, to miss him too much. At least it hadn't made it hard to sleep... He had enough things to keep him awake when he didn't want to be, as it was.
When the other arrived back at his room the next day, Bern had been up for a few hours. And he'd been thinking, too. There was so much he wanted to ...do. If Wess got accepted, if he knew for sure that he wouldn't be killed... what was he kidding? He was pretty sure that if Elias was willing to test him, there was no way he was going to kill him! He couldn't... Bern would fight for his life, hell, he'd trade his for him! The uncertainty of that situation was still there, but he felt as though it was... sort of dissolving. Like he didn't even need to think about it, because the threat wasn't really there, just a notion. No less, he gratefully accepted Wess into his room when he arrived, hesitant to show too much affection at first. He was still so shy about it. That much Wess was probably starting to realize even now. He would withhold a lot of the affection he desired to show, if only because of feeling embarrassed for expressing it improperly, or looking as though he was too needy, or something like that... it was hard to say with Bern, but it probably came off as shyness, at least of the intimate kind.
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