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Post by ActuallyFace on Jul 7, 2014 23:11:53 GMT -8
Wess was incredibly relived when the randori was over, and when Jason told him he had passed. Of course he was; Aikido had extended to take up several hours on two different days during his week, and having that time now totally free to Wess for him to do what he wanted with? That was an incredible feeling, a huge weight lifted from his shoulders. And it showed, too; before, during his time with Bern, Wess had seemed to cling to him and their time together. He had hung onto each moment with unnecessary tightness, filling their time with all the kisses and intimacy he could possibly manage without making Bern overly uncomfortable. He tried to squeeze everything good out of their relationship in the time they had together, condense it, and live off of it during the time he would have to spend away from Bern and busying himself with undesirable but necessary things. But now that all of that pressure was gone, and he had so much more time to spend with Bern, their time together seemed much more relaxed. Wess's touches were more leisurely and delicate, and he was more okay with just spending time reading with Bern, or perhaps drawing or working on his music while the other leaned on him or nuzzled in next to him on the bed. He didn't need to squeeze anything out of it; just enjoy it, and enjoy being with Bern while he could.
And while he was glad to be rid of all of that required time spent practicing Aikido, he did still come back to practice every now and then, and even demonstrate, if Jason asked. And it felt good, to be able to practice without all of that pressure there; pressure to learn, and prepare himself for his tests. Now it was just keeping himself sharp and prepared, in case anything happened.
And as their anniversary approached, Wess was growing more excited and affectionate (though this was due, in part, to the fact that things were calming down so much between them and settling back into a comfortable rhythm; something warmer and much nicer than it had been before). He even had more time, now! They were celebrating on a day that would normally be pretty full for him, but since he'd dropped most of his Aikido practice, he was able to shift some things around and free up his schedule entirely, after classes. He had more things he could fit into that space, more time he could spend with Bern... and he wondered, too, if that might be a good time to talk about his future with Bern... or without him, he supposed, depending on what Bern wanted to do. He certainly had some idea of what he wanted to happen, a clear outline of the possibilities and a.... somewhat less clear one of what he would do in response to each situation. Or most of them, anyway. He needed Bern to fill in his gaps, and he needed to talk this out with him, not to mention make his feelings clear and help him confirm one of those possibilities. He needed to know... graduation was coming up all too quickly, and his future was running at him without any indication of slowing down. He needed to figure out where he was going to take it when it got to him. But would their anniversary really be a good time? It certainly fit in with the sentimentality of the whole occasion; they were celebrating a year together, why not also talk about the years ahead? But then, he sort of wanted to focus only on that year... and what if Bern decided he wanted to stay? What if they ended up needing to break up, even? That would certainly sour the whole mood of the day. But... he supposed it would sour the mood of just about everything eventually, if that ended up being the case. Perhaps it would be better sooner, rather than later; and perhaps the segue their anniversary provided would be helpful in discussing that topic. He really wasn't sure...
But on their way back to Wess's room the night before their anniversary, Wess wasn't really thinking about that much. He was thinking about Bern, and how he was acting... he was used to certain behavior from Bern, certain little attitudes, and gestures, and expressions, and attitudes. He knew what Bern looked like when he was with Wess, what he was like when he walked to the tavern with him to settle in for a peaceful night together, and... this wasn't it. Something seemed a bit off. He was used to the silence with him, since there were often long stretches of time neither felt the need to fill with words, but he seemed otherwise upset... anxious, or something like it, he thought. Not something a simple bad day would cause; usually, bad days made him upset in other ways. So what was wrong, then? Was he stressed out over their anniversary? Had he planned anything already? Or maybe there was something he wanted to say that he wasn't sure about, or something had happened to.. he didn't know. Did Bern think they were in danger, somehow? Whatever it was, Wess decided he was going to bring it up. In the meantime, though, he wrapped an arm around Bern and pulled him close to his side, pecking his cheek and briefly nuzzling the side of his head in an attempt to loosen him up a little bit, relax him some and distract him from whatever he was so worried about.
When they reached the tavern, Wess sat down with Bern to get something to quickly eat; it wasn't very late, but he wasn't in the mood for a huge dinner, with pressing matters seemingly at hand and an anniversary to spend money on tomorrow. He got something filling to eat with Bern, finished it at the bar, and then went upstairs to his room with the other. Perhaps Bern would be able to tell, knowing Wess so well, that he had picked up on something, and was eager to talk... or perhaps he would think Wess was eager to get to his room for another reason.
He closed the door behind them when they entered his room, and then turned to face Bern; he didn't sit, though. Just gazed at him for a moment, either admiring him or trying to figure out what was going on beneath the surface... it was difficult to tell. After a moment, though, he spoke.
"Is something the matter?" He asked, keeping his voice quiet, "You seem... anxious. Did something happen? Is something happening?"
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Post by empyreanVisionary on Jul 8, 2014 0:17:31 GMT -8
After all this was over with for Wess, Bern had found himself a bit relieved. Okay, so he understood why Wess was always so affectionate and longing for intimacy while they had their moments together; it made perfect sense to him. He didn't want to reject him when he really didn't have much time and he was trying to make the most of it, so he hadn't. Rather, he'd tried to match his passion as much as he could manage, and he probably surprised Wess sometimes with how passionate he could be, but he always seemed to end up a lot more exhausted than Wess, too. He realized that to some extent, Wess thrived on this kind of affection and attention, and given that this was something he could give him, he was happy to do this. Still, it was a huge, huge relief to him when the other wasn't so busy, and he could enjoy their time together in a way that suited him a little more; quieter, allowing them to relax and enjoy each other's warmth and presence... that was probably the best way he liked to enjoy their relationship. Sure, the intimacy and passion was great, but there was something he couldn't capture in any other moment without Wess from just... being there with him, the simple act of being close. He'd experienced that pleasant comfort a lot when they'd gone to visit his mom, and it had become a necessity ever since. Now that they had time, they had this kind of leisure, and Bern was craving it. But that wasn't all.
Right now, he knew there was more he had to do, more to talk about. He had to tell Wess about what was on his mind; the decisions he'd made... Okay, so he hadn't decided much, he figured. He didn't really have much of a plan. But enough thinking about it, and he knew something, at least. He had come to a conclusion that made him happy... and one that he was sure would make Wess happy, too. He didn't know all the details. Perhaps he was committing to something he didn't really know would work out, because he hadn't made decisions on the details. He'd made his decisions in regards to the big picture, perhaps hoping that things would work out in his favor... but the fact was, he didn't know if he had the ability to just... know whether or not he was doing the right thing. At the very least, in some ways, he couldn't know what he needed to know entirely without talking to Wess. And that was why he'd made this specific decision to... well, do this. He'd find out one way or another what would work. Whether or not it would work. How it would work. For all he knew, Wess had already made the decisions for him.
At least all this thinking had brought up some memories that were definitely important, and he'd been able to resolve some things that he hadn't expected. He'd been spending a lot of time thinking things through, even if he didn't feel like he was all the time, and it was settled for him. He'd done what he had to do. Now, all that was left was to talk to Wess about it, and he found himself thinking about the words. How he was going to say it to him, what he needed to explain, what he didn't. That was more the reason for his nervousness than anything. Nervousness that Wess had clearly caught onto, despite him knowing fully well that he was not acting quite like himself. It kind of frustrated him, too, to know that he was being like this... and he knew for sure that Wess knew when the other pulled him closer, and kissed him, nuzzling him, trying to get him to relax... It worked, a little... for a little while, but he did settle back into his thoughtfulness, anyway. Interestingly enough, Bern still had not been aware that the very next day was their anniversary. All this had come about at a rather convenient time, perhaps, but perhaps it was the right one, too.
Sitting down with him to eat, he was about as distant, picking at his food as he sometimes did, but usually he just ate more like a bird and not necessarily slowly or... well, not like this, where his head seemed in another place. But when he finally ate his fill, the both of them went up to his room, and... that meant he had to deal with this, right? He felt his heart jump into his throat, already, and tried to swallow it back down. He had no need to be nervous about this; it wasn't like it was a big deal, right?
Anyway, when the other turned to face him, at first Bern didn't notice how he gazed, but when he did, he found himself practically unable to return it. And that was when the other finally asked him what was up. He took in a deep breath, letting it out with a sigh shortly after. "... No, nothing's the matter..." He only looked slightly up toward the other. "...I just have a lot on my mind, that's all." It wasn't a lie, and the explanation made plenty of sense. So much, in fact, that if Wess analyzed, he'd probably just determine that Bern definitely did have a lot on his mind... it explained everything. But anyway, Bern made yet another decision in that moment. He decided that now wasn't the right time. It wasn't really that he didn't feel ready, just that he felt like it would be better if the two of them had some time to relax more. He didn't want to look like he was desperate to tell him, and he also didn't want Wess to be distracted with his condition and be unable to relax, either. So what he figured he would do was give him more time. Perhaps it wasn't the right thing to do, but he did it anyway.
The two of them would finally sit down on the bed, being that Bern wasn't going to talk about what was on his mind; that much had been made obvious, and Wess knew when prying was appropriate. Right now, it didn't seem that way at all. Bern eagerly settled into Wess's arms, opening up his book, but he found his mind was elsewhere. Much too far away to focus on what he was reading, and his free hand kept creeping away from the pages he needed to turn. Several minutes later, he finally closed the book, perhaps surprising Wess, perhaps not. It was just as likely that Wess would have realized he was going to stop at any time, but it wasn't going to take long.
He even pulled himself out of the other's grip to turn and face him. "...Okay, I'll talk to you." He looked up at him now, the nervousness definitely still there. But he moved in closer, straddling his lap so he could sit more comfortably, directly in front of him, where he could hold him. "...A few weeks back, I spoke with Elias. Well, he spoke with me... and he asked me what I thought about my future. And the question... took me off guard. I couldn't give him an answer, Wess. I didn't know." So it did seem that Bern had the same kinds of things on his mind, but apparently pressing much harder on him than they had on Wess, for him to be affected this much. "I couldn't answer him... but it did make me wonder... how I felt about that and what I wanted my future to be. I guess... it never really occurred to me much, even if it is perfectly logical... that I can change my future. That I have control over my future." He bowed his head, shaking it a bit. "I guess it's because I never really did. I think the first decision I... really ever made for myself, to change my future... was the decision to be with you. And it might not have even gone that way, because when I look back on it, I didn't really make that decision either. You did..." Wait... it was true, wasn't it? He'd admitted his feelings. and Wess had accepted.
"Anyway, I... I admit, the future is... hard for me to imagine. And maybe that is why... being unsure that I have the power to change it. But..." He looked wistful all of a sudden. "...I did make a promise to you, then... and there is one thing that I do know. I know that... I have changed. I don't feel the same way I used to." Hang on, that sounded kind of ominous, didn't it? But what exactly was he talking about? Surely he wasn't going to break up with him, after all! "...That's right, I feel like a different person. One who... understands oneself, respects oneself... and loves oneself." He smiled one last time before looking up to Wess, resting his hands on his shoulders... but they didn't remain there long. "...The truth is, I love you. I love you so, so much, Wess, I love you... I love you more than life itself, I... I couldn't have imagined this future... I... I love you..."
Saying the words after holding them back all this time was somehow overwhelming. He could literally feel them spilling out, making him sound like Wess, really... that fountain of affections he sometimes spewed when he was overly excited. And each time he said it, he felt tears welling up in his eyes, stronger than the last. By the time he'd finished speaking, his last words were practically whispers as he tried to hold back his tears. It had almost sounded like the first time he said it... and the only other time he said it. By now, his arms were tightly wound underneath Wess's shoulders, far from where they'd been before, holding him close, wrapped around his upper body. Tightly, but not too tightly. Why had he been nervous about this? It had been one of the most liberating things he'd done in... ages. The closest moment he could think of was being able to let go of those nightmares, and that had been quite a while ago... He'd finally made it this far. It had been a long journey to this point, hadn't it? He wasn't sure exactly how long, but he'd been longing to tell Wess how much he loved him for what felt like ages, and yet... he knew that he had to uphold his promise. Now, he was sure that he loved himself.
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Post by ActuallyFace on Jul 8, 2014 13:10:51 GMT -8
Wess had no idea what was on Bern's mind, but he knew something was, and it definitely seemed important for him to be acting this way. The way he ate, so slowly and as if he was off somewhere far away, only reinforced that idea. So when he tried to ask Bern what was going on, there was obvious concern in his expression... the last time Bern had been acting weirdly, he'd been having horrible nightmares that had taken weeks to get rid of, and weeks longer to shake off the aftereffects of. So of course he was concerned, now! But he knew as well that he couldn't force Bern to tell him what was going on, really, and he didn't want to make a mess of things. And he supposed that what the other was saying about just having a lot on his mind made some sense, though he was still concerned. He wanted him to be okay, and he wanted to make sure Bern was safe, and nothing was going on that was hurting him or could eventually hurt him.
He looked Bern over a moment longer after the other told him nothing was wrong, and then nodded a bit and moved to sit on his bed with Bern. He was happy to have the other in his arms, though it made it a bit awkward to try to read as well. But he managed, leaning his chin on the other's shoulder and tipping his head a bit to touch Bern's while he read. It took him a little while, but he eventually managed to burrow into the pages and get lost there, even while Bern seemed restless. He forgot what was going on, for the most part, even being concerned to some extent still. So it was a bit of a surprise, when Bern pulled away so quickly to turn and face Wess. He had to jerk himself out of his book (the Princess Bride again, since it had been a while; Miracle Max was just beginning to argue with Valeri about true love), and set it down on the table beside his bed to give Bern his full attention. Well... he hadn't been expecting him to want to talk to him so soon. Not at all. It had seemed to him that Bern would either let this moment of strangeness pass, or he would take a few days at least before he let Wess pry it out of him. But, no... perhaps he had just wanted the right moment to talk? Or maybe Wess's concern has persuaded him. He really couldn't be sure. But whatever it was, Wess was going to learn what was going on, now, and he wanted to pay Bern all the attention he deserved.
He fixed his eyes on the other's face as he spoke, listening to his words but also trying to watch his features for any small changes. He rested his hands on Bern's hips while he spoke, hopefully a bit of comforting warmth... and perhaps Bern would see more changes in Wess's own expression then, when he told him he'd been thinking about his future. Well... it was good news, he guessed, that Bern had been thinking about it himself. But if it was linked to his nervousness, Wess didn't think it could possibly a lot of positive thoughts that he was having...
Well, it was true that Bern had never had much control over his future, was it? He'd been forced into an orphanage, and then Elias had plucked him out and taken control from there. And... yes, Wess had changed some of Bern's future, but he didn't think he'd been the one to make the decision all himself. He had loved Bern like that far before Bern had ever indicated that he loved Wess back; it was why he had followed him, why he had tried to protect him like that. It felt more to him like Bern had been the one to make that change; he'd opened the door, after all. All Wess had done was taken the opportunity to run through it. But... after that, yes, he'd taken control in quite a few situations. He was usually dominant, and he'd directed Bern into things like meeting his mother, he'd helped him change his eating patterns and get a little healthier. So yes, it made perfect sense that Bern would be so clueless here, in knowing what to do and how to navigate his won future and even realize he had the ability to do what he wanted with it.
And as Bern continued on, Wess found himself confused... and then terrified. He wasn't sure what promise Bern was talking about now; had they ever discussed the future? He didn't think so. There couldn't really be anything in it for him to have promised... and then the idea that he had changed, that his feelings weren't the same... that could have meant a lot of things, but Wess didn't think it was just anything. If his feelings had changed, and he was nervous about it, and sitting here with Wess to talk to him seriously about it, could it... could it mean he was going to leave him, now? It just seemed the most plausible possibility right now; and for a moment he found himself growing cold, feeling almost empty at that idea. Would Bern really leave him? Had he just... fallen out of love? Just forgotten his feelings, left them behind, now? Was that possible? But then he continued, and what he was saying about loving himself... sounded much more positive. It relaxed Wess a little, but he still felt like there was something stuck in his chest and his throat, and his grip on Bern was growing lighter and more tense, like he was pulling away and trying to hang on harder at the same time. He looked at his with his eyes huge, looking scared and desperate... until something registered in the back of his head, and started pulling itself forward. He had made a promise to Wess, and he remembered it; he'd promised he wouldn't say those words, until...
Then he was saying them, and it took a moment for Wess to fully realize what was going on... he'd felt cold and growing empty before, but when he finally understood what Bern was saying, he felt much warmer, like his heart was full; full than it had ever been before, to hear those words from Bern at last. And he could tell it was affecting Bern too, overwhelming him, and it... honestly felt wonderful, to see Bern spilling his emotions like that; sloshing them clumsily around and enjoying the liberation they were bringing. And Wess pulled him close, grinning wider than he had on his birthday, even, when he'd seen all the things Bern had done for him. He pulled Bern up against him ad into him, curling his arms around the other and, after a moment, he kissed at the top of his head and nuzzled into his hair like he so often did. It was his Bern, and he loved him back, now, enough to be sure of Wess's love for him too, and that feeling was one of incredible warmth and elation.
"I love you, too..." He mumbled, unsure of what else to say; Bern already knew that, he supposed, but he still wanted to say it. "And... I am not sure of the future, either. I know I want to be with you, but I do not know what... what that means, now." He kissed his head again, his hand moving up to touch and stroke his hair. And then he pulled back, just enough to meet Bern's eyes, and gently try to wipe the wetness from them. "I have had plans, since starting here, to move to the capital and find a job, make enough money to provide for my mother, when her age necessitates that. But... I know, too, that you may want to remain here, or go elsewhere. And I will not force you to follow me. I suppose... I want to know what you want to do. If you have any sort of plan. I would follow you anywhere, Bern; into the dark and beyond. But I am not sure if I can stay here forever, if it means abandoning my mother, and leaving her care up to someone else."
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Post by empyreanVisionary on Jul 8, 2014 16:51:27 GMT -8
Getting here had been hard. Bern knew that; he’d been there, he’d felt it. He’d been through a lot to make the decisions he’d made and… this was only the half of it, wasn’t it? He knew there was much, much more to this than what he’d already addressed… spent a lot of time thinking about and a lot of time figuring out. He’d learned a lot about himself in the time that it took for him to actualize all this, and that was more meaningful to him. He’d come a long way and he was… better, now. Even though he wasn’t perfect, and he hoped that was enough for Wess. As Wess embraced him like that, he relaxed a bit more. No, the other didn’t exactly have some kind of violent reaction to this, but he didn’t expect it… and didn’t really think he wanted it, either. He’d just wanted to say this. Wanted to let him know, because he’d wanted him to know for so long. And he didn’t know if he was really quite there, where his own terms had been concerned, but at the very least, he was well on the way there. What he had given himself as a task hadn’t seemed particularly unachievable then but he was pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to achieve it much beyond where he was now, not without help. And that was because of how his self-esteem was linked to Wess. He took a deep breath, figuring he should explain more. He’d calmed down by now, especially helped by Wess meeting his eyes, and wasn’t about to cry anymore. “Part of the reason I am… well, talking about making decisions… and having control over the future… is that I’m becoming increasingly aware that my feelings of control are related to my self-esteem. Part of the reason it was so hard for me to feel like I didn’t hate myself was because I really didn’t have a lot of control.. over anything in my life at all. And the more this went on, the more I realized that not having control… made me feel like less of a human being, I guess. I’m not exactly sure what it was. But it had an impact. So I felt like I had to do something to gain control and that was how I decided I would change this. But when I tried, that was when I started realizing that I don’t really… know how. I had to rely on other things… like what I could do in our relationship.” So, was that why he had been taking more initiative? Surely he had felt more comfortable around Wess, but he’d also been using it to boost his self-esteem, hadn’t he? If in any moment he might have seemed unyielding, it was probably because he needed to at that moment. It did make the progression of his displays of affection towards Wess make more sense… and the way that he had stopped hesitating so much to show his affection at the Reliquary. He was taking that initiative there, all to improve his self-esteem. This also meant that it was very likely he’d calm down more again, once he was free to make more of his own decisions in the future, but it wouldn’t be a bad thing. It would mean that he had a source of self-esteem that didn’t center around their relationship! “…So, I… did make a big decision, about what I want to do in the future. But I can’t act on it by myself. I… don’t think it will ever interfere with anything you want to do, Wess… If you want to find a job in the capital and work to help your mother, you should.” He hesitated, almost saying that he might be able to help support the two of them, but… no, that was assuming too much; he didn’t have enough certainty to even suggest this, at least from his perspective. “And, me… well, I… I don’t know what Elias will want of me, of how long he will want me to stay here. But… in the circumstance that he doesn’t let me leave… please go without me.” He had considered this, though it was hard for him to say now. “…I suppose we will find out when the time comes. The fact that he asked me about it means he’s aware of this time coming soon. I’ll have to find out what he means by that.” He took a deep breath. “You must do what you feel you need to do. I will catch up with you when I can. I… I don’t really have a plan, except…” All of a sudden, nervousness seized him again, harder than before. It rendered him incapable of continuing. Was it even the right time to talk about this? He sighed, honestly still unsure. But after some time closing his eyes and trying to get things in perspective, he seemed to have the strength to continue. “It’s not a plan, but it’s something, I guess. I mean, I really love you, Wess, and I know that what you need to do is much more important than what I need to do. You… you have things I don’t have. You have your mother, and you have goals for the future. Of course you do. I… I guess what I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to follow me anywhere.” He closed his eyes again, leaning his head against Wess’s shoulder. He hadn’t really pulled back from him entirely since he’d embraced him in the first place. But now he did. He pulled back so he could look fully at Wess, and he did, certainly… focusing on the details in his face. He found himself raising his hand to brush it over his chin. "It feels wonderful to say it. ‘I love you’. For it to not feel forbidden anymore…” He was smiling, but there was still such a nervous look in his eyes. Perhaps there was more on his mind that he just couldn’t tell him, or… hadn’t gotten to tell him yet? Or perhaps talking to Wess and learning about what he wanted had put more on his mind. Either way it was, Bern was observing him, though nervously. Very nervously. “And I love you, Wess. I love you so much. I… don’t want to be without you…” …Was it just Wess, or was Bern’s nervousness getting worse? It was a kind of nervousness he wasn’t sure he’d seen before. It was somewhere between being embarrassed and being nervous, how weird. He was even doing this thing where he would grab his opposite arm and hold it close to his body. Had Wess ever seen him do that? Not to mention he seemed to be overly adamant about burying his hand in his pocket. Huh, some people did hide their hands in their pockets for a variety of reasons. Perhaps he just hadn’t noticed Bern doing it before? Well, when he’d been nervous before, he’d been in situations where he wanted his hands free to defend himself, right? And if whatever was making him nervous was internal, which it almost certainly was, then wanting to hide physical aspects of themselves could be a manifestation of wanting to hide thoughts or feelings that made them uncomfortable in some way… right? But it turned out that there was more, perhaps, as Bern finally did pull his hand out of his pocket. Or perhaps he’d figured it had spent long enough there. “I don’t think I could stand being without you…And that’s why, I…” Wait, he was holding his hand out to him now. “I… want you to marry me…”There was a ring in his hand… a ring like Wess had probably never seen. It looked more like a men’s ring than a woman’s ring, but it did contain a diamond, about a quarter carat, inset into the center. The ring was solid all the way around since the diamond was inset, and the rest of it was silver, with blue opal wrapped around the sides. The opal pieces didn’t touch the diamond, rather let it rest inside the silver, inset setting. It wasn’t an inexpensive ring by any stretch of the imagination… but it also didn’t appear to be overly expensive for an engagement ring… rather inexpensive compared to what many others would spend. But considering Bern’s resources, it must have taken him months to save for it, and that meant saving a large amount of what he had, anyway. And now, Bern was clearly seized with some kind of fear that he was trying desperately to hide, though he wasn’t acting completely awkward in front of him, mostly just taking on a tense appearance, looking back into the other’s eyes as though he feared what he might see but also that he expected his response. He couldn’t take this back now. What if it was the wrong time after all? Had he been too hasty? Was Wess even prepared for this? Was he even prepared for this, when there was a possibility of rejection at all? Was this even romantic enough? Bern wasn’t sure he could come up with anything particularly romantic; he wasn’t that type, and he was afraid of what Wess expected. Not to mention... was this even a possibility? He didn't know if it was or not. Hell, he could have ended up offending Wess with the idea of marriage, which generally implied the union of a man and woman. He... thought that two men could partake in marriage, but perhaps he was wrong about that, or at least about how Wess would interpret it. He was really hoping he hadn’t fucked things up. Ring looks kinda like this i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg182/Alsaice/opal-engagement-ring-oby-114985_zps3e75cdbe.jpgbut the band goes all the way around (and is the same color), like this i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg182/Alsaice/41BX5aebM5L_SX300__zps3cafcd38.jpg
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Post by ActuallyFace on Jul 8, 2014 20:16:14 GMT -8
Hearing those words from Bern had been wonderful, to Wess... He knew Bern was probably feeling something much stronger, but it was... amazing, to finally hear Bern say he loved him back, after so long. He knew, most of the time, that Bern needed to wait to be sure he could say them truthfully, but it had also been difficult. It was hard, to tell Bern he loved him and not hear it back, at times. When he really upset, when he had finished trudging through a particularly taxing day, and when he needed Bern and his warmth the most, it was hard not to be bitter or self-pitying about it. And now he was free from those feelings... and not only that, but Bern had made a huge step in the right direction. He was better now. He was healing, from wounds his life had carved deep into his flesh. After so long, he was getting better, and he was improving, and... Wess could know, too, that he wasn't the negative impact on Bern's life he feared sometimes he might be. He was something good to the other, and his love was something good, and that was wonderful news.
And now that it seemed Bern was thinking about his future, too, Wess wanted to discuss it with him. He wanted to sort through all of the things he felt, and the things Bern surely felt, and come to some kind of conclusion. He wanted to make sure everything would be okay with him, or... the closest to okay they could get, at least. So he was listening closely when Bern began to speak again. He realized quickly that he wasn't talking about that, but of course he kept listening anyway, trying to sort through Bern's words... and they made sense, really. He could understand what he meant, about his self-esteem issues being tied so directly to a need for control, since he so greatly lacked them both, and he had noticed too that Bern seemed to do things sometimes for no apparent reason; initiate something, or refuse something, just because he could. It made sense. So what about now, then? Did this mean he would stop all that, and just enjoy things a little more? Let things all fall into place on their own, and follow his impulses a bit more? He hoped so. As much as he was glad Bern was better now, and had overcome such a big problem, the idea that he was using their relationship as a method of gaining and using control was rather uncomfortable.
And then Bern was talking again, and Wess moved his arms to rest more comfortably around the other's waist, keeping his eyes on Bern's. He tensed, though, when Bern started talking about Wess leaving him behind. He didn't want to do that... he didn't want to leave Bern, not ever. He'd found something he needed in Bern, something warm, and wonderful, and beautiful. And now that he knew Bern had found something positive in Wess as well, and Wess's presence had been a good thing for him, he wanted to leave him even less. And he was willing to stay with Bern here, because of that... he was willing to find something to do here, and remain by Bern's side until the time came that they could both leave. He didn't think... it would be too bad, really, staying for a while. Enduring this, as a means to an end. And Elias... fuck Elias. If Wess was able to leave, wouldn't Bern be, too? He was an adult; Elias didn't have any legal control over him as a guardian, unless Bern had made some promises joining this thing that he wasn't capable of breaking now without serious consequences. He had no right to keep him here against his will... right...? And then Bern seemed so nervous... Wess didn't know why he was nervous, but he didn't want him to be. He stroked his hair a little, while the other seemed to be trying to push it all back again, and regain some of his steadiness and control. He frowned at Bern's next words, then; he always did this, didn't he? He put Wess and all of his wants above himself like this. Well... he wanted to stay with Bern. As long as he could, he wanted to stay there with him and support him and enjoy his company, enjoy being with him. His mother wouldn't need him for a few years yet; his future apartment and job int he capital could wait a while. He wanted Bern... He wanted to always be with Bern.
He still looked nervous, though, even when he finished talking. Wess smiled when he repeated that he loved him, just a bit, but he was still concerned. It seemed that... whatever he had been anxious about before, it was back. He hadn't spoken about it yet, and this was it, wasn't it? Whatever he was about to say... he seemed to be acting so strange, though. Wess had never seen him like this, so nervous and embarrassed, almost bashful. Actually, it was sort of cute.... but he still wasn't sure what the hell it was about, and he wanted to know.
He'd never seen Bern show that kind of body language; his arm held across him, his hand in his pocket. What was he doing? Where the hell were all these new signals and emotions coming from? Whatever it was, it certainly seemed to be big...
He didn't really understand what was happening at first, when he saw Bern hold out his hand to him, and heard those words slip past his lips. It took a moment for him to get it all, for the weight of the situation to crash down on him. And when it did, he hardly reacted like Bern probably expected him too... instead, he stared at the ring in Bern's palm, completely still. And after a moment, he let go of Bern himself with one hand, then the other, and touched the ring as if to make sure it was real, and that this wasn't some kind of joke... he picked it gently out of his hand, and then slowly, and with incredible care and awe, slid it onto his finger. It probably looked like he was in some sort of trance, at first... until he raised his face to look back at Bern, showing an almost overwhelming mixture of astonishment, joy, and love. "Yes," was barely a whisper on his lips in the rush to join them with Bern's, his hands, now shaking, moving up to cup the other's face and guide it more surely to his.
He hadn't ever expected Bern to even... think of asking him this sort of thing. Bern simply wasn't the type to have those kinds of thoughts, to consider marriage, of all things. Whenever the thought had crossed Wess's mind, he had always assumed he would do the asking never Bern. So this was a surprise, and an overpoweringly wonderful one. He hardly cared about the ring, really, and had been even more surprised by how beautiful it was. Bern must have extended himself incredibly far to be able to by it for him, and... it fit him well, too. The colors, and the design, they were... perfect, though simple. And he loved how it looked on his finger. It was beautiful.
Of course, there were a few whispers of doubt there. It was marriage, after all, and they were only just about to celebrate their first anniversary. They'd been together a day less than a year, and some part of Wess wanted to tell him that that wasn't nearly enough time to make this kind of decision. But... he knew he loved Bern. He loved him completely, unfalteringly, and unconditionally. He didn't ever want to leave him; the idea of breaking up was painful. He wanted to have a future with him, too. So... why not? He knew in every part aside from the one that spoke of social standards and rituals than this was the right time. Why not?
"Of course." He muttered shakily to Bern, when he finally pulled away from the kiss to let him breathe. "Of course I will marry you, of course... of course." He was smiling, too, though it was a small smile, trying to be careful of a gathering wetness in his eyes. He looked at Bern for a moment, his hands sliding down his face, then over and around his shoulders until he was embracing the other again, pulling him close so Wess could cover his face in slightly damp kisses.
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Post by empyreanVisionary on Jul 8, 2014 21:53:19 GMT -8
There were a lot of things that were strange about what had just happened. It really was unlike Bern to think like this, wasn’t it? To think about marriage… it wasn’t the sort of thing Bern was inclined toward at all. But that also didn’t mean that he wouldn’t think about it, given the proper situation… well, this situation. He loved Wess. He loved him so much, too much to consider leaving him. Basically, the idea of marriage really just came from a logical point of view on the situation when it came down to it. He loved him too much to let him go. So he didn’t want to ever let him go. Which meant that the next logical step was to prove his commitment to Wess, and… this was how most people did it, wasn’t it? The idea of staying with him had been a bit overwhelming at first, but when he’d first started thinking that there was a possibility that this might work out for them, he decided to start saving money. He knew a little about engagement and marriage, and when he started thinking about it, he’d started to find more resources to get an idea about how it all worked. The idea was that the man bought a diamond ring for the woman, then gave it to her with the proposal. If the woman said yes, then they would plan a wedding.
It was definitely true that Bern had made a huge decision. The decision he’d been talking about all this time… It was to stay with Wess, wasn’t it? It was to marry him. He never wanted to leave his side; he wanted to live the rest of his life with him. So, in a way, it had meant that the decisions he needed to make kind of relied on Wess. No, really relied on Wess. He had said he didn’t have plans for the future… because his plans were Wess’s plans. All the same, Wess had to realize that this had to hold a lot of uncertainty for him. It wasn’t necessarily a huge difference in his life… but it was going to be a big change anyway. And it had already been made clear that Bern didn’t handle big changes very well. After living such an uneventful life, being displaced had been hard on him. Just coming here to the university, having to learn to do a lot of things just to be a functioning adult… that had been hard enough. And while this decision did take a certain pressure of determining his own future off him, it did mean a big commitment that he was clearly ready for, if he accepted it like this.
But the fact was that Bern had really not thought much beyond the proposal. The actual marriage that he was proposing to Wess. He hadn’t thought about how that would be affected by their relationship or their situation… all he had really thought of it as was the final sign of commitment. His way of saying that he never wanted to leave him, never wanted to be with anyone else. Honestly, it had occurred to him that he probably would never find anyone else who would want to marry hiim. And he knew that Wess might. But he understood him, in ways that felt almost alien. He understood Wess’s feelings and identity. He had no reason to doubt anything Wess felt about his identity, no social norms forced upon him. He’d developed in an environment that had allowed him to understand more of his feelings through books… and while this had made him grow into a strangely unbalanced young man who didn’t seem to understand a lot of things about existing and being normal, it had allowed him to grow up with his own sense of what was right and wrong, and most of all, what was possible. His viewpoint allowed possibility to exist in his mind, instead of automatically rejecting something he didn’t understand. And that was why he could understand Wess. Even sometimes, in the emotional moments, and with things like sex, he’d been able to handle the delicate emotional nature of it. It was partially because he had such an open mind. He knew what would alter his perception in a way that would upset Wess, and he didn’t let it.
Getting all this to work out had been an interesting venture for Bern. He had spent a lot of time trying to figure out if the social conventions of marriage and him being the one to propose would actually upset Wess. He hadn’t really come to a conclusion, but this was what he felt he needed to do, and if he was the first one to do this, then that would be the way it would be… He wasn’t exactly planning on treating him like a woman while doing it. He was simply the one to propose, he was the one with the ring. So, he figured, if Wess was receptive to the idea of marriage, both as something he was comfortable with as his partner and as another man… it would be fine, he hoped.
The actual marriage, however, might be an unusual prospect, if Wess wanted any kind of traditional element to it. Bern wasn’t going to argue with anything he wanted, though. The fact was that he wanted to make that commitment solid between them, and if it meant doing all the traditional things, then they could do it. However, given that they were both men, it might be easier said than done. Bern had realized this, but he had really only been thinking about the important part of it in detail. The commitment to marriage, that was. It wasn’t unbreakable, but he’d meant it as unbreakable on his part. He had no reason not to pledge himself to Wess at this point. However, this was at a busy time in their lives, and finding someone who would marry them, and getting everything planned out… that was different. That was going to require a big effort… something they would definitely have to take care of later. They’d just have to spend some time engaged. Maybe an awful lot of time engaged. But that didn’t matter to Bern, and it probably wouldn’t matter to Wess, as he had a lot
Shopping for the ring had been another thing… Everything had gotten serious when he started looking. He’d already started saving for it, as he didn’t think a diamond ring was going to be cheap. But when he actually saw the prices on the damn rocks, he just about chickened out. And the fact that there were so many… it was overwhelming. He really almost had given up multiple times, over one or more issues. The price, the overwhelming selection, pushy salespeople, and the inability to find what he thought was the right one. So many of them just… looked girly, even to him. He figured that if he found the ring too girly, then Wess wouldn’t want to wear it either. He’d spent a lot of time doing this, over periods of months, really, before he found the perfect ring. Price had been a big factor, but when he found the one… he didn’t hesitate. He’d saved enough, and he returned and purchased it.
Wess might not have thought about how the ring was a perfect fit when he got it on him, but the fact was that Bern had analyzed his hands enough to figure out his ring size. It was crazy, but a rather Bern thing to do. It was just like him… picking the lock to his door and breaking into his room to surprise him on his birthday. Analyzing his hand until he figured out exactly what his ring size was. He was crazy. And… he was going to be his fiancé now.
When the other had a chance to react to the ring, Bern was definitely seized with fear, more than he let on. And the fact that he didn’t react right away, like he had on his birthday, frightened him even more. Wess had reached out for the ring like he didn’t even believe in it. He wasn’t reacting, not at all, and with each passing moment, Bern feared even more that he had made a huge mistake. But when the other took the ring from his hand, and slid it onto his own finger, he got to thinking… he had to be accepting it, right? And then his reaction did seem to come through, and relief was flooding Bern in no time. That was… a yes, right? He thought he heard ‘yes’, but before he could think much about it, Wess was kissing his lips, and he was trying to kiss back, feeling how the other’s hands were shaking in the surprise of the situation.
The kiss was deep, and Bern was gasping for breath by the time Wess pulled away from him, practically chanting his response. He would marry him. He would. And Bern didn’t know how exactly this was making him feel, all he knew was that it made his heart feel like it was overflowing. He was smiling, too, the amount of emotion almost too much for him to show it genuinely, as he was so happy it almost hurt, but as the other kissed his face over and over, he closed his eyes, wrapping his arms around Wess as the other lavished him in kisses. He’d just accept them right now. He was afraid that he had forgotten how to show his affection for the moment; he was so wrapped up in the feeling of all this washing over him; trying to encourage his brain to make his body respond affectionately was probably a waste of his resources. All he had the strength for right now was drowning in powerful emotion and Wess’s kisses.
Sure, he knew he might have proposed too soon, but… he hadn’t really found any good information on when to propose. Everything always said that it depended on the couple, and when the time was right and stuff like that. But it was hard for Bern to tell, and yet… he’d felt like the time was right. Some people proposed within months and were married soon after. Some people spent years together before proposing. But… they were having sex, weren’t they? And that had taken a lot of trust for both of them to get to where they were comfortable enough with fully opening up and receiving the other’s advances, no matter what they were. Easier for Bern, perhaps, because he didn’t have a lot of defenses against it. If he had been aware of Wess’s hesitation, the feelings he had deep inside that it hadn’t been long enough, he would have never done this so soon. And honestly, he wasn’t sure why he’d chosen now, but something about it had felt right. Meanwhile he still hadn’t figured out their anniversary was tomorrow…
When he did finally catch his breath and calm down enough that his chest didn’t feel like it was about to explode, he held the other close, returning a few kisses of his own, kissing Wess’s neck softly a few times. “…So, tell me all about your plans for after you graduate. I want to know what you want to do. Maybe then I can think about what I want to do, after I know what you’re planning.”
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Post by ActuallyFace on Jul 9, 2014 15:56:20 GMT -8
Wess honestly wasn't sure if two men could marry, in Klohtia, and right now, he wasn't really thinking about that. The details involved in the actual act of marrying each other didn't matter to him right now; all that mattered was what Bern had done. Everything else could wait, everything was was... mostly up to the government and laws and things, and the rest would probably be for Wess to arrange, since it was unlikely Bern gave a damn about how any of this happened. He would no doubt want some kind of nice, romantic event... he'd go to quite a few ends to make it beautiful and perfect for them both. But that was for later; all of that could be worked out another time. Probably one in the very distant future, especially since neither of them were really in a position to spend that kind of money on a ceremony at the moment, and likely wouldn't be for some time... So right now, all that mattered was what Bern had done. The fact that he had proposed to Wess, had taken that initiative, had decided he really loved him, bought him a ring, and wanted to spend his life with Wess. Everything about it was... incredibly sweet, and wonderful, and Wess didn't care about the future at that moment.
Sure, there was a bit of doubt there; rarely was it deemed acceptable for two people to marry after only a year of knowing each other, so he had to wonder, to some extent, if it could possibly be the right time. But every other part of him felt it was; he loved Bern, he loved him more than he'd ever loved anyone. Sure, Bern was his first love, but did it matter? He was happy with him. Hell, they'd rarely even fought, after a year of knowing each other. A few times, but it had been quickly resolved. They'd returned to normal. And they were good for each other, Wess was sure of that now; he'd been afraid of it being otherwise, but his being with Bern had been a definite positive thing, for them both. Bern loved himself now, too, after being with Wess, and Wess had helped him overcome those nightmares, and he was gaining weight as well, improving his mental and physical health. And Wess needed Bern, too; Bern filled a hole in his life that had previously been filled with pain, and had sometimes hurt so deeply, when things were really bad... and he had become a source of warmth and safety to Wess, not to mention given him the tools to protect himself. He'd helped him find balance as well, between loving himself and someone else, and he'd taught him how to care for someone else so deeply, and how to be aware of them, their wants and needs, even if he hadn't intended to. Bern had even saved his life... twice, now, at least.
No, Wess didn't want to leave him. And he didn't know anymore if he could imagine a life without him, if that would ever even be a life worth living. It hurt to think about it... it had hurt a moment ago, when he'd thought Bern was going to leave him. He wasn't sure about the future yet, but he knew he wanted to spend it with Bern... he knew he was committed to Bern, he knew he din't ever want to be without him. And he doubted, too, that he would ever find anyone that he could feel the same way about if he had to leave Bern. No... it was definitely the right time for this. It was the perfect time. And once he thought about it a bit, he knew for certain that he had absolutely no doubts about it. Who cared what others thought? They didn't matter, and they weren't a part of this relationship. He had already said yes, and he meant it. With every fiber of his being, he knew he meant it. He would marry Bern... he would be with him, forever. This was a commitment he wasn't afraid to make, not at all.
It took him a while to even think about the ring, and the fact that it fit so perfectly... how had Bern know what his ring size even was? Wess never really wore anything on his hands; no gloves, and no other rings. Had he figured it out some other way? taken a measurement while Wess was sleeping, or something? Or maybe he'd just... figured it out on his own. Analyzed his hands, deducted what would fit him... it was certainly a Bern thing to do. Strange, and definitely more than a bit wacky, but definitely Bern, too.
Bern really was his fiancé, wasn't he? Adopting the title of "boyfriend" had been strange enough, but this one was stranger... they were only 22 years old, and they had been together for a year. They were fiancés. When he finished covering Bern's face in kisses and let the other nuzzle into his shoulder, kissing his neck softly now, he rolled the word around in his thoughts; fiancé. It was so strange, applying such common and conventional terms to their... incredibly strange relationship. They had already decided that they weren't other couples, that they moved at a speed all their own and did things differently, developed differently, acted and loved each other differently. Which was why "boyfriend" had felt so strange; were they boyfriends? Others would call them that. But did it really fit them? Was that the role they filled to each other, too, or was it just a convenient term to describe their relation with one another to outsiders? And now, fiancé. That was even more strange, more conventional, an older term used to reference even more people, define even more couples to people that weren't a part of them. It didn't feel... wrong, per say. Just strange. It had an odd flavor on Wess's tongue.
It made him happy, though. Indescribably happy. He wasn't aware his heart could harbor so much joy, that he could experience this extreme volume of elation and of love without simply bursting. Was the human body even engineered to hold so much emotion? He felt like any more, just the smallest of drops, would physically kill him; tell his body that this was it, this was the happiest he was ever going to get, and therefore he didn't need to live anymore, because his purpose was fulfilled and he was done. He didn't need to seek anything more. But no, it wasn't that much... it was just enough to tell him that there would be more. Maybe a taste, he felt, of all the joy he would feel being with Bern in the future. Or maybe it was more like all the joy he'd already felt, in this past year of being with him. He couldn't tell; his mind wasn't quite working as it should, instead focused on all of this warmth, and on the now concrete certainty that Bern was his, that... maybe they could still leave each other if they needed, but they didn't think they ever would. They were committed to each other, and they loved each other. That was what this moment was. And Bern had been the one to tell him first. That was certainly something.
Wess held Bern close to him as the other kissed at his neck, returning slowly his previous shower. He tilted his head down a bit, like he was trying to touch Bern with his chin, too, or something... make as much contact as he could with the other, and hold him as close as possible. He curled his fingers up through the hair at the base of Bern's neck, the other arm wrapped sturdily around his back, pulling him that much closer, touching him just a little more, appreciating him... and he laughed a little, actually laughed at Bern's next question. His voice was a bit shaky, though, and obviously delighted.
"You just proposed to me, Bern..." It was both a statement of fact and marvel, and there was a clear smile in his voice. "And already, you want to plan for the future again?" He laughed again, just quiet chuckles; more because he needed to express his joy than because he was laughing at the other. Lightly, his fingers rubbed over Bern's scalp, and he turned his head to bury his face in Bern's hair. After a while, he sighed, and tilted his head away from the other's hair enough to talk without muffling his words. "I... have planned on going to the capital city, mostly. Finding a job as a notist, and an apartment somewhere... perhaps someplace to play in the city to earn some extra money too, as I do here; but only if it is needed. Noting jobs generally pay rather well, though they require some experience. I hope my job here has given me something of a leg up... I suppose I shall see, eventually. And I... I know my mother will not have the ability to provide for herself someday, so I wish to earn enough to take care of that, too. She is... not well off." He kissed Bern's head again, "Now, I want to bring you, too. Someday. I do not want to leave you here, not... not ever. Bern, I do not want to be away from you... I can stand a year or so postponing those plans and staying, as long as I have you. If it means we will get to be together someday, truly... and I am certainly prepared to move to another city with you, if that is what you want. It does not have to be the capital; there are noting jobs in plenty of places. As long as I do not have to leave you."
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