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Post by empyreanVisionary on Mar 3, 2014 21:44:02 GMT -8
Bern took a deep breath, feeling a headache coming on at this whole situation. Normally he didn't mind Alex at all, but he was very well aware of her tendencies and he just had a completely ill feeling about her right now. He hadn't wanted to be interrupted today, though other days he might have been more okay with it. Well, he'd just be unable to do what he planned on doing, that much he could be sure of. He wasn't going to take her where he had planned on going, so he wasn't going to be going. At this point, it was clear that she wasn't going to take no for an answer, and that meant he was just going to have to change his mind. Well, he had needed to get his prescription, that had been part of the whole thing. He could... go to the library, though he wasn't sure he'd be able to read like he liked to. Well, maybe he could make an excuse out of that, too. If nothing else, he'd tell it like it was.
"...Alex, as much as I recognize and understand you want to spend time doing -something- with me... I don't think going to the library is all that much of a social thing. As I said, I generally sit and read, and... that's not really something I can do in the company of another. You're welcome to accompany me, but I'll be doing even less because you will be there." Yes, that was what was going to happen. He'd get there, and realize how awkward it was, and then find that he was unable to do so. "I'm sure you have plenty of other things you could be doing." Though, he did consider something. This was a perfect time to mention something that had been on his mind for a while... No, he'd finish his other thought, first. "...I suppose if you insist, you may come, but I doubt it will be of any use to you at all to accompany me."
After a short pause, he continued on with his new train of thought. "...Now, Alex..." He crossed his arms in front of him. "I got to thinking. You know that I have to take medication for my ADHD. This is because I have problems that I and others complain of. Though... you seem to have some things that you, too, complain of... Perhaps you could benefit from seeing a psychiatrist yourself. You might have less to be concerned about if they are able to prescribe you something." He might have sounded completely caring toward her, but... that wasn't something that Bern was. Clearly enough, he had ulterior motives, not that she knew it. "I think you should probably consider it, at least. It has done me a lot of good, so perhaps it could help you."
He tucked the medicine bottle away in his pocket, then, figuring he was going to have to wait for her, if she had anything else to do before they left. He was still kind of annoyed... But it really wouldn't be a big issue. He'd just have to take care of things like he'd anticipated, and maybe... he'd come home and crash for the night instead of doing anything else. At this point, he couldn't think of much else. Oh, he could return a couple of books to the library, that was right.
So, he stepped away from her, going back to his room to pick up those books and take them with him. It was a good thing he'd thought about it now, he figured... at least that would give him something to do at the library that he might not have done if he had gone alone.
Anyway, the two of them headed out, and it was extremely anticlimactic. If Alex had been looking for something fun and exciting to do, this wasn't it. It was merely a walk to the drugstore and the library. Bern hadn't even bothered to take the bus, though it wasn't such a bad walk, so it made sense that he would want to save money, and Alex wouldn't be spending any either. He got his prescription at the drugstore, and then set off to the library. He returned the books, spent some time looking around, but he didn't settle in to read anything; it was too awkward with Alex around. Then it was time for them to head back. Even if something important happened during that time, it probably hadn't made an exciting moment out of it. That was really it; there was no way Alex was going to have fun, just following Bern around like she had that night.
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Post by ActuallyFace on Mar 6, 2014 9:10:47 GMT -8
Alex hadn't really considered the possibility of Bern being able to do less with her around. He'd never referred to her as a burden, so she hadn't thought he thought of her that way... well, it was probably just this situation, right? Regardless, it was sort of upsetting... though she couldn't know how much she was really preventing him from doing.
But as he moved on, so did her thoughts. He'd only just barely mentioned it, so... it probably wasn't much to worry about, right? And now he was saying that she probably didn't want to, as it wasn't really an exciting social event, but she'd already decided she would. She knew the library wasn't exactly thrilling, but that didn't matter. The library was somewhere else, somewhere that wasn't this apartment, and Bern was someone else. That was all the motivation she needed. And no, she really didn't have much else to do. Well, she could watch her old movies and shows, and she hadn't really tired of them (she doubted she ever would) but that was an activity she did alone. And if Bern didn't want to do what she did, well, why couldn't she do what he did?
Alex had never contemplated the possibility of seeing a psychiatrist herself. Okay, so she knew she didn't really function like every other person did, but she dealt with it. It wasn't a problem, so why should she treat it like one? Or... maybe she hadn't thought of it before because her dad hadn't ever brought it up as something she needed to do. But her dad... as much as she loved her dad, she knew he didn't really pay a lot of attention to her. Bern, though... Bern was actually around her a whole lot more, and in a very different way. And he did things with her, he knew her fairly well, and if he was suffering from the same symptoms himself, he probably knew what it was like... no, he definitely did. So maybe she should listen to him. But... the idea of getting medical attention now for something that she had dealt with for her whole life was a little... strange. Maybe she would just have to think about it for some time.
Alex hadn't been expecting anything exciting, really, so it wasn't much of a let-down when nothing exciting happened. She was really just glad to be out doing something with someone else, even if that something wasn't really an interest of her's, and that someone wasn't the most obviously caring, thrilling person. But there wasn't anything negative in it, so she didn't see much of a problem... at least, not at first. Walking with him was fine, because it kept her moving and distracted, and she could talk to him as well, but when they got to the library it was... kind of boring. They couldn't really talk there, and she wasn't interested in the things he was, so she broke away to find her own books. As it turned out, the library offered a pretty interesting selection of sci-fi novels, some of which were based off of her favorite television shows and movies, but she didn't have a library card to check them out. And really, she didn't feel like getting one. She learned, in trying, that she would have to return the books not too long from now, and she at least knew herself well enough to know that that wasn't going to happen. And the money they charged for that would be much better in her pocket, she thought.
She was briefly upset when he didn't want to sit and read, but then they were leaving, and she was distracted again from that train of thought. She did her best to keep up a conversation with him on the way back as well, but it was a pretty meaningless one until they started nearing the apartment, and she remembered what he'd said earlier about seeing a psychiatrist.
"You mentioned seeing a doctor before, right?" she asked him, sort of suddenly, and didn't wait for an answer before plowing on. "Like, me seeing one? Well, I... I haven't really, like, thought of that before. I mean okay, I know I don't function like every other skinjob out there should, but it's never been a huge problem. I can deal with it, and my dad's never said anything about me going to actually fix it or anything. It's never been anything either of us worry about, right?" she tugged at a lock of her hair, less to get rid of any anger, this time, and more to try and calm herself down some. She was nervous about this. "But you say it like it should be. And you probably know what you're talking about, okay, 'cause you have it as well. But... like, why do you think I should? I mean, specifically?"
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Post by empyreanVisionary on Mar 7, 2014 2:13:27 GMT -8
At the same time, Bern hadn't really considered that Alex was suddenly going to change her tune and try to get in the way of the things that he -did- do. So now that she was, he was finding himself confused, and, sad to say, somewhat uncomfortable. He was too used to doing things privately, with the lack of others. He didn't spend a lot of time at home, but he didn't spend time with other people when he was out either, really. He just... went places. If he wasn't reading, he didn't really feel comfortable being at home a lot of the time; it felt like he didn't have anything to do. Sometimes he'd spend time on his computer, or study, but for the most part, he could find something to do elsewhere. He did a lot of his reading at the library; he even brought his computer, even sometimes did his homework and studying at the library, too. He just wasn't used to hanging around his home much; it was partially because of how his life was and how he lived with his grandmother and never had any privacy. Even when he did have it, it was hard for him to get used to having it. He'd just gotten really good at figuring out when he did and didn't have complete privacy. Mostly learning the patterns of when his grandmother was asleep, which was at any given time...
And he was beginning to learn about Alex, too. Her patterns, difficult to judge as they were. She was nowhere near as predictable as his grandmother had been. Though she did still have some patterns he could figure out... One of them being that she really did like to listen to shit at the loudest possible volume at 4 am sometimes... He'd had to come out of his room and yell at her a few times about that. Oh, and then invest in earplugs, because the complaining didn't really help; she'd just complain back about how much she needed to have it that way. And no amount of reasoning with her (about how he wasn't the only one bothered; she'd received noise complaints in the past from the people living nearby too), she never seemed to get it. He'd since gotten used to that, and he'd manage to negotiate with her a bit on it, too, which was wonderful. Better yet, he'd gotten her to tell him when she was planning on it so he didn't get woken up in the middle of the night so much (not that she was particularly consistent). Anyway, some of her habits made him worry for her health. Well, somewhat. There was a lot to be worried about, and he distanced himself from the problem quite a bit. He just did what he had to do, and it was innocuous enough.
What a shame that he wasn't always the same kind of person he seemed to be.
Anyway, he was annoyed that he wasn't able to do anything, but simultaneously intrigued. As he pressed through the library, separate from her, he found himself starting to really think. Thinking about -her-, about how she was and what she'd been doing. She was harmless; that much he was certain of. There was no reason to be concerned with her. But that did bring to mind the fact that she had a certain weakness about her. Stepping slowly down one of the aisles between the bookshelves, he found himself focusing less on the books, and more on the things that had occurred in his mind. He wasn't sure how interested he was in looking for anything at the library anymore... No, there was so much on his mind otherwise... His eyes narrowed as he focused on -her-, on everything he could determine about her from this distance. Yes, he was definitely beginning to see her potential... Out of the corner of his eye, he noted a book he passed; his whole mind focused on it for a split second. "The Art of Manipulation." His lips curled into a smirk as he kept walking, his short lived, but marked interest in the book invisible to anyone who might have seen him. She was persistent... but this wouldn't last long, would it? Not if he played his cards right.
A short while later, he'd picked out a couple of books... The History of Movable Type and One-Dimensional Man. The latter was a book that was certainly part of his interests; any manner of philosophy and personal opinions about life and the world fascinated him. Lately, he'd even enjoyed reading about religion. And before long, he'd borrowed the books, not realizing that Alex might have wanted to get some books, but didn't have a card. He would have offered to borrow them on his card... assuming that he could retrieve them from her to return them. As long as she didn't lose anything, he wouldn't mind it... He always returned everything on time, but she would be responsible for the cost of anything she lost. Oh well, it was something he could bring up with her later, if she mentioned that she would have liked to borrow some books herself. Libraries were a truly wonderful thing, and it was a shame that there were so few left. Bern didn't know how he'd function without libraries.
But he was a little surprised when she brought up his previous words on the way back from the library. He listened, all while walking, wondering what it meant. Did it mean... that she really did listen to him? That she thought his words had some honesty behind them? Some importance to her? It was good, he thought. It was promising. And he listened to her, patiently and in silence. That was probably one of the things she appreciated about him, after all. However, he did have a difficult question for her.
"...I see, you want to know because you've lived with this as long as you have... and nothing has stopped you from living." He closed his eyes, thoughtfully. "But it isn't for that reason. People go on living with severe mental disorders every day. Not to say that yours is terribly severe, but... I'd say you show signs of several disorders, and it's as simple as having a more full and satisfying life, being more of who you were meant to be without all the things that were holding you back..." He opened his eyes again, glancing to her slightly to see how she reacted to this. "I'm not a psychiatrist. But you do seem to have signs of ADHD... Maybe even borderline, or bipolar disorder." He was just throwing out a few things that seemed something similar to how she acted, to be honest... ADHD at the top of the list, of course.
They returned back to the apartment, and Bern unlocked the door, allowing both of them inside... He took a few steps in, but when Alex probably went to return to her room, he'd grab her shoulder, and encourage her to turn around. When she turned, she'd find he was looking down at her, his expression a bit grave. "...I know the idea is distressing. But it's not to hurt you." He let his hand linger on her shoulder for a moment... in a gesture that would probably leave her reeling with thought about what it might mean... Then, he lifted his hand, let it linger above her shoulder for about a second, then moved away entirely, brushing past her to pick up the pack of cigarettes and lighter he'd left on the side table. "I'll be back." He moved past her again, going outside to smoke. That was one thing he did that she probably really appreciated; despite being a moderate smoker, smoking about half a pack a day, he always went outside if he was going to smoke while he was there.
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Post by ActuallyFace on Mar 9, 2014 0:36:45 GMT -8
Usually Alex's attention was easily averted, but for some reason, Bern's words held her. It seemed like he cared... like he really wanted what was best for her here, and he cared enough to say it. He cared enough to notice it, too... And that was strange, and kind of... nice, to think about. She'd never had anyone treat her that way, not really. Her dad cared for her, but he didn't take the time to notice that anything might be wrong, that she might need something outside of what she realized and vocalized. And she'd never really gotten close enough to anyone else for them to notice anything, she... usually just drove people away. But she craved it, she really did, even though she did try to push it down as far as she could and ignore it all. That was the only way to cope, really. So this... just by doing this, Bern was doing something she could only see as incredible. Something that sparked a lot of happiness in her.
And not only that, but what he was talking about... she hadn't considered those things, not ever. Alright, maybe ADHD, to some small extent, but... fuck, she didn't even know what "borderline" was suppose to mean, or what kinds of symptoms someone with bipolar disorder might have. Maybe she'd look into them later, then... or just see a psychiatrist, as Bern was suggesting.
Alex was honestly surprised by the contact from Bern upon returning, and at first she tensed, unsure what to think... she wasn't exactly used to being touched. But she relaxed, looking up at him, when she realized he didn't mean her harm. In fact, he was... he was trying to make it clear that he cared about her, that he wasn't trying to hurt her. Which sort of stunned her, left her unable to really think, for a moment... there was an intensity to how he was doing it, too. Like he really wanted her to know he cared.
It didn't cross her mind that this might be because he had some other kind of intent. Of course it didn't! She was desperate for this kind of attention, so now that she was getting, in such force... she was shocked, sure, she was incredibly surprised, but she didn't think to doubt that it was real. Instead, she found herself suddenly clinging to that thought, latching onto it and trying to hold onto it as tightly as she could. She nodded at him when he finished speaking, and she was disappointed when he moved away, vaguely... when he went off to smoke his cigarette, Alex moved over to sit on the couch rather than returning to her room. She looked dazed for a while, but slowly, her thoughts managed to calm enough for her to think a little more about what was going on. Not that she really realized anything new or exciting, but... instead, she found herself growing excited with this new development. It really seemed like he cared... god, he cared!
Alex bundled herself up in some of her blankets and curled up on the couch while she waited for Bern to come back, still trying to think about was going on. Okay, so this new way Bern was acting aside, she... she was really going to have to consider what he was actually saying. All of this about her seeing a psychiatrist, getting some kind of help... well, she definitely had lived her life without any kind of medication, and she really wasn't doing too poorly... or, maybe she was. Maybe so many people avoided being around her because she had these problems, and she didn't get them treated. Maybe it really was something she needed to get taken care of. And surely, Bern knew what he was talking about! And if he cared enough to tell her she should do something about it, well, maybe she should listen to him. Really, she found herself leaning more and more towards that idea... but something did still hold her back. The fact that things seemed okay now, that, really, how much of a reason was there for her to change them now? And her dad... when she had been in middle school, and they'd recommended she get some kind of therapy to learn to control her anger, he had reacted so badly. He had said she didn't need it, she was fine, and he didn't want to pay for it. He had never noticed her having any kind of trouble, and he was her father. He lived with her, he'd raised her, and how could some teachers know more about her than he did? Alex didn't want to disappoint her dad, and she wanted to listen to him. She cared for him deeply, and so far, he hadn't been wrong, either. Not that she could see. Her dad was... he was her dad. He was always right. Why should he be wrong now?
She shook her head, frowning. She didn't know what to do... she needed more time to think about this. It was a big decision, it could make her dad really, really angry if she chose wrongly... and how would Bern react, if she chose not to listen to him? What if she lost that care he seemed to have for her? And her dad, he was... it was unlikely he was going to support her in getting that help Bern mentioned, she thought. Or maybe she could convince him to help pay for it all, to listen to her, let her do what she thought was necessary... she wasn't really sure. There was a lot to think about here.
When Bern returned, he would find her still sitting there, on the couch. She was kind of waiting for him... well, he'd said he was going to be back, so why shouldn't she? It seemed like he wanted to talk more, and she did, too. She wanted to figure this out. For once, she couldn't do this on an impulse.
"What are those other things you mentioned?" she asked him the moment he returned, her eyes curious while she looked at him. "The... borderline thing, right? And bipolar disorder? I think I've heard of them, but I don't really know a lot... or... anything at all. What makes you think I might have them?"
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Post by empyreanVisionary on Mar 9, 2014 11:58:42 GMT -8
Unbeknownst to Alex, this was exactly what Bern had wanted to happen. Enough observing, and he realized that it was a possibility. That he need only divert from his regular “uninterested, but accommodating” approach to have more control over her than he’d ever guessed. He’d had the suspicion from the start, but the more he’d thought about it the more he’d realized just how effective it could be. He knew the right things to say… They weren’t in any book he’d read, but he’d picked up plenty of interesting information over time. And some of what he knew told him that he had an absolutely beautiful amount of control over this girl if he really wanted it.
It was really only a matter of shifting his approach. He knew that she would listen to him. She already had. If he even showed the slightest bit of interest, she’d be intrigued. And then his suggestions had even more power, didn’t they? He might not have realized just how much his attention seemed to affect her at first, but now he was catching on, and he would take advantage of it. First order of business was making sure that she got her medication. He had no idea, unfortunately, about the obstacle that she’d never spoken to him about… that was her dad. Perhaps he thought that medication wasn’t the way to handle one’s problems, so he was uncertain about it… Perhaps he didn’t think she had problems at all. Though Bern would have probably said the same, even if he hadn’t been trying to manipulate her. She really did seem to have an assortment of mental problems… And maybe she would be better off with medication. He wasn’t sure if there was a medication for borderline, anyway, and he was pretty damn certain of that “diagnosis”. But as he’d said, he wasn’t a psychologist and he wasn’t a psychiatrist. However, that was someone that Alex could definitely benefit from seeing.
Here he’d figured that going outside for a smoke would put an end to the tension between them. Okay, so he’d been aware that he’d gotten a little forward in that attempt, but there had been a good excuse for it; at least if there was to say that he had any emotion behind what he’d just said, and it was a rather nice indication that he wasn’t just ignoring her… No, he wanted it to appear that there were emotions behind what he did, too. The situation was perfect for them to spill, and he was testing what he could and couldn’t do at the same time… What her reaction might be to a particularly stronger expression… And it was just the way he’d anticipated. He could see her reaction right away, and the way it evolved. Just the way he’d expected.
Though he hadn’t entirely expected that she would still be there when he got back, just sitting there and waiting for him. All wrapped up in a ton of blankets, like he usually saw her. She was kind of cute, sometimes, he figured. It almost made him guilty, but not quite. He wondered if she’d been thinking… He didn’t have much time to observe her or consider it before she addressed him again, though.
Sure, she had a big decision ahead of her… one that could have consequences to it. Though she would have to make it, now that the concept had been brought up to her. Her dad would disagree, but Bern had said otherwise. Her teachers had said otherwise. Who was she going to believe?
“Yes… they’re mental disorders too,” Bern replied, standing right where he’d come in the door, having closed it behind him. He didn’t go anywhere, didn’t come any closer. Just addressed her from where he was. “I don’t know how much of a valid explanation I would give of them without some kind of reference. Perhaps you could look them up, and see if they make sense to you.” He put his hands on his hips, after stuffing the pack of cigarettes into his back pocket, and his lighter right beside them in the space that was left. “It goes without saying that there are a few things you do, say, and very possibly feel that point toward certain conditions, that’s all.” He didn’t want to be too specific, even though these were things he thought he genuinely saw. He wasn’t lying. “But if I may point out a few. You have a really hard time getting along with people, but a great need to be cared about that isn’t getting fulfilled for you. You have some pretty bad mood swings. You can’t focus on things long enough to get them done. You get angry so easily, and it’s hard for you to come out of it… I think it will benefit you to take some time researching these things, and then you can decide whether or not you are able to go on dealing with the things that you have difficulty with, or if you think you should seek help.”
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Post by ActuallyFace on Mar 9, 2014 14:37:19 GMT -8
Bern really could have a lot of control over Alex, if he wanted it. She was... weak. She craved something simple, something that could easily be faked, and she craved it enough not to doubt it if she did get it. And even beyond that, she didn't do well under pressure. She made bad decisions, usually ones that benefited herself, without thinking things through. She looked for the easiest way out, and didn't give a thought to the consequences... if Bern picked up on that as well, he could probably make her do anything he wanted her to. All he needed to do was give her the illusion of pressure, present her with an easy way out, and otherwise act like he cared about her. She could be his, she could be... well, anyone's. It was really just how she was, and it was incredibly unfortunate for her.
Alex listened to him quietly, doing her best to keep as much of her focus on what he continued to say, rather than letting herself drift off on one point like she usually did. Which still wasn't very hard... she was kind of intrigued by the care he seemed to have for her... it really was strange, and new, and she wasn't sure what to do about it. Should she even react to it? She wasn't sure... she didn't know how to handle these things, really. And she already had to think about so much, with all he was talking about now, the suggestion that she see a psychiatrist...
When he mentioned those few symptoms, she looked away, turning her gaze to the wall in front of her. Thinking about those things, she couldn't deny that he had a very, very good point. They... fit. They made a surprising amount of sense, in the same way reading the results of a personality quiz bring to mind small things about yourself that you've never noticed before, but that you suddenly know are true. Well, okay. She'd noticed those things, in a smaller way, and she had tried to work around them, but... she hadn't thought to chalk them up to some kind of disorder or disability. She had always thought of them as regular personality attributes she couldn't avoid, though now, thinking about that, it was... kind of stupid. Of course they weren't just unavoidable parts of who she was! Other people got help for the same things all the time, she knew that, and she also knew that most people didn't have those problems. How could she have thought...?
Maybe she really would have to go in... but it still brought up the conflict of her dad, the problems that might arise with him if she did that. Even if he was wrong, which part of her still had trouble accepting, despite the evidence, he wasn't going to like this. Or at least, she doubted he would. She couldn't know for sure, but she really, really didn't think he would be okay with her doing exactly what he hadn't wanted her to do all those years ago in middle school.
Alex took a while to answer, for once... she wanted to think about this, she really did. She wanted to make a good decision. But finally she nodded a little bit, and the rubbed at her eyes. "I... yeah, okay. I can look some stuff up, I guess. I'll... I'll think about it. Yeah." She pulled her blankets a little closer around her, looking solemn for a moment. When she turned her eyes back to him a moment later, though, she looked kind of excited. "Thanks," She told him, kind of smiling now, and then hesitated a bit before she stood up off the couch. She wasn't really sure what to do, now... it was sort of late, but that didn't matter much to her, despite having school the next day. Alex rarely slept longer than five or six hours anyways, which wasn't the healthiest, but her body just didn't seem to want to let her have more. Maybe she would just watch some of her shows... that sounded good about now. Taking her blankets with her, Alex moved over to the television to set something up to watch.
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